Friday, June 14, 2013

Worries and pain

A few days ago I started getting twinges in one hip, mainly while walking down stairs.   It felt like a hot needle.  I have no idea why or what I did to it.  I'm always doing stuff, so it could be any number of things.   A nurse said it was most likely a pulled muscle or pinched nerve.   The next day it hurt to walk.  I found that applying pressure would make it better, so I tied a sash tightly around my hips and was able to do everything that way.   The day after that, yesterday, it didn't hurt nearly as bad.  

Last night he wanted to use me, and I was desperate for him as well.
  I drew a big black circle around my sore area so he could hopefully avoid hitting it with the paddle.  This is not the target.  It may look like a target, but really, if you hit there, I'm going to cry and and fall over.  He didn't.

  We had sex.  I felt a few twinges during, just enough to keep me a bit subdued and prevent fully experiencing pleasure.   Finally, he just let me give him a blowjob.  But then afterward I rolled over on the hip and the pain daggers shooting through the hip were bad enough to make me gasp and cry.   He was already asleep, practically before I turned out the lights, but since I was waking him up with my noises, I told him what was wrong.   He went and brought me ibuprofen.   I tied the sash around my hip again, and after a little while it calmed down enough that I could go to sleep.

This morning it feels not too bad, hardly a twinge, but I'm finding myself a little afraid at the idea of having sex again.  It was not a good kind of pain, not a pain that a only-somewhat-of-a-masochist could enjoy.     I don't know if one position would be worse than another, because pain only hit me afterward.  For all I know, it could have been the rolling over on it that did it, but I suspect that was not the case.

Even worse than that, I feel guilty having this fear.   I enjoy my state of constant wanting and desire, and I know he does too.  I love being available and eager to serve however he wants.   This fear makes me feel like I'm failing a tiny bit. 

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