tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88663451062431763572024-03-13T00:33:14.429-05:00“Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.” -Ralph Waldo Emersonancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.comBlogger2226125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-88940795788231813512023-08-25T21:00:00.000-05:002023-08-25T21:00:11.377-05:00. You Never Know When They Will Catch Up To You<p> <span style="font-size: large;">I just made what would have been a hilarious joke on social media, if only the one other person who would get it would have been around to read it. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">There was a time, long ago, when Master and I were only dating, around a millenium ago, and we were shopping for some fruit. I was saying something about how I really only like perfect fruit and sometimes it's just bland but you don't know until you bring it home and then it's too late. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"> And he said "Oh, well, let's just taste these blueberries and then we'll know." He opened up one of the blueberry packets and took out a couple and ate them. I was horrified and said in a mock-whisper "Oh no, they are going to get you now!" and he said "Who? The blueberry police?" and that started a fit of giggles that went with us through the whole store until check out. They never stop. They always get you in the end. Yes, the blueberry police are still after us! And they have continued to be after us ever since. Only Master has outwitted them. But I was an accomplice and thus just as guilty. </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgD7R0JCeUGb4y3i-JvIWR7stbswlpgmOUolI4MClU6c9kWSj6_AT-ZjRXVSIiGXOFfyIh5SINiPrSsefSi2aZKBzCe74ka-6qkgGFg2mNmXKO8LtjuaemL8-SGyniBWQJgsM-pNLO539E_5asMLpDTMNBgySrGBXDI0Nh__XcFd1p4QUYh1Wqa5DMp1b-u" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgD7R0JCeUGb4y3i-JvIWR7stbswlpgmOUolI4MClU6c9kWSj6_AT-ZjRXVSIiGXOFfyIh5SINiPrSsefSi2aZKBzCe74ka-6qkgGFg2mNmXKO8LtjuaemL8-SGyniBWQJgsM-pNLO539E_5asMLpDTMNBgySrGBXDI0Nh__XcFd1p4QUYh1Wqa5DMp1b-u" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><p></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-92013738134028917992023-03-19T21:58:00.003-05:002023-03-19T21:58:30.350-05:00Hustlin and Hustlin<span style="font-size: large;">A lot of people have had to start their life over when the world ended on them in one way or another. A lot have had the crash hit worse than mine so I don't want to sound like I'm special or unique or anything. But. </span><div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;">In 2021 my world did come crashing down. In addition to being my love, my soulmate, my best friend, my Master, my Leader, my guide to living, he was also my physical, financial and emotional support. <br />I had a dependence on him that went through everything I did. Thank God for the therapist we went to while he was in treatment for cancer that gave me the confidence that I could face life like a warrior. Without her mantras and drawing things out of me... I don't know... I might be a collapsed butterfly in a hurricane. I might have given up on life entirely.</span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;">But today when I talk to family members who ask me how I'm doing I don't have to lie and say "fine" and "ok" even though really I was falling down completely emotionally or barely holding it together. Many days I actually am fine, ok, or even good. I still miss my Master unbearably, when I'm home, when I'm out and see something he would have loved to see or to hear about, at night, in the evening, just random times during the day. But when I'm not struck by those pangs of pain and lonlieness I do feel like I am pretty good. I feel like have great friends who have stood with me, cried with me, been there for me. My kids are doing well, growing up at a rapid pace. <br /><br />I started going to kink events now that covid is declared "endemic" instead of "pandemic". I went to an event in January and just yesterday, both of them with a couple of friends, and we played together. It was super fun. <br /><br />My work is going better than I imagined. I had been very dispirited and hopeless about finding a job back when my Master was encouraging (requiring) me to look for one. I rarely got any response to my resumes. But then after my Master passed away, his boss offered me a job. It didn't pay a lot and it wasn't anything prestigious, but I jumped at it as a step up from working for the temp agency with whom I had started a job the month before. <br /><br />Since then I have been hustling and hustling to make my budget work. In case you are wondering, the household finances took an 80% cut in income from the peak of Master's earning (before he was sick) compared to what I could get at a temp agency. Look at your current household salary and take 80% of it away. Kinda bleak, huh?<br /><br />We had spent a lot of our money on medical bills. Without being given a sum of money by my parents and also Master having life insurance I would have gone broke. But thankfully that didn't happen, and by budget slashing and various means (social security) I haven't really used very much of that money for the day to day living. Plus, the job with his old boss has several perks and raises already that really help me out. Last month I went from part time (32 hours a week) to full time (35 hours a week). According to the official poverty line I'm still below it, but I feel like I have enough to get by and do the fun things I would like to do. Fuck saving every cent for when I'm eighty though. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;">Maybe I won't live that long. </span></div><div><span style="font-size: large;"> We are only hear to find joy and help others, aren't we? </span><br /><br /></div>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-40106887435084892782022-11-28T18:30:00.007-06:002022-11-28T18:30:51.263-06:00tmi<p> <span style="font-size: medium;"><i>1. Compared to 5 years ago do you care more or less about what people think of you?</i><br /><br />Oh, less and less every year. One of the perks of getting older.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>2. What is the last self-help book, article or blog post you read? Did it help you?</i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I read some stuff on grieving.com. It's somewhat helpful to know that the ways of grieving are pretty universal, the weird thoughts we have and other odd things that people don't talk about or they try to shame people for them, but actually it's totally normal and typical. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>3. Tell us 3 people you must have in your life. My kids and my mom. I have a few others too, but it said three. My dad, Mystique, my brother. </i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>4. Does tech interfere with your personal relationships? How so?</i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Sometimes I get wrapped up in reading and don't pay enough attention to what's going on around me. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>5. When you want your partner or friend’s undivided attention, how do you communicate that?</i><br /><br />I don't. I'm pretty undemanding as a friend.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Bonus: What is your view of love? </i><br /><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">We should all love more. </span></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-60025309593803932942022-11-15T19:08:00.003-06:002022-11-15T19:08:36.603-06:00TMIT<p><i> <span style="font-size: medium;">1. Defend your splurge –</span></i></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Tell us why you bought that thing — we won’t judge.</i><br /><br />Electronic mousetraps: more expensive than normal mousetraps but I hope they work a lot better. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>2. What is one thing you always take from a hotel room?<br /></i><br />My luggage! Sometimes I take the little shampoo bottle too- they are so handy to have. Stealing anything that's not a consumable, like towels etc to me is the same as shoplifting. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>3. What is one thing in your pantry you know you keep for too long?</i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Herbs: parsley, dill etc. they are so old and bland and I hardly use them so I don't bother to buy more. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>4. Which game show sums up your life?</i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>a. Jeopardy</i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>b. Family Feud</i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>c. The Price is Right</i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>d. The Dating Game</i></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Jeopardy: everything is so trivial!<br /><br /><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>5. When all is said and done, will you have said more than you have done?<br /></i><br />Said more than done? Ummm I've probably given more dating advice than I have done actual going on dates. It's hard to come up with something for this one. </span></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-25871036457917534652022-11-12T06:46:00.002-06:002022-11-12T06:46:17.830-06:00Dreams<p> <span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes I ask my Master to come see me in my dreams and he does. I really feel close to his spirit that way. Last night I dreamed he called me from work and asked me to come pick him up because he was sick. I just said "I will. You can tell me about it on the way home". But that was the end of the dream because I woke up. </span></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-75935494518821290862022-09-24T08:02:00.003-05:002022-09-24T08:02:51.469-05:00TMI Tuesday: Hairless and Sexless<p> 1. If your chest is hairless would you have a chest hair transplant?<br /><br />That's funny, because no I don't want chest hair. I prefer less chest hair for men too. </p><p><br /></p><p>2. Are you the center of attention at parties?</p><p>No, I'm pretty introverted.<br /><br /></p><p>3. What libido-boosting foods do you believe in and use?<br /><br />I don't believe in this. I think heavy foods can make people too loggy to be interested, but just eat lightly if you want to have sex later. Unless it's chocolate. Chocolate definitely boosts libido. Bring me all the chocolates. </p><p><br /></p><p>4. Do you ever get tired of talking about sex?<br /><br />Yes, I'm totally tired of writing and thinking about sex. My mojo is gone. </p><p><br /></p><p>5. How do you think your attitude toward sex differs from your partner’s attitude?<br /><br />Currently without partner. </p><p><br /></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-40849787106425728612022-09-24T07:18:00.000-05:002022-09-24T07:18:46.577-05:00Sad Anniversary<p><span style="font-size: medium;"> Today is a sad anniversay: one year since my Master died. It is currently 7:02 am, which was the time when he died too. Not the official time, that had to wait until the coroner got to our house and did the official call around 7:30. But it was the real time he took his last breath. I was there holding his hand, telling him I loved him, having been unable to sleep anywhere but in the chair beside his bed (we had a hospice bed brought in and placed in the living room). <br /><br />My theoretically good idea was that we would take shifts of being with him at nights- my mom and his dad and me. I tried to sleep in my bed when it was my turn to sleep, but I couldn't. So I ended up downstairs sleeping in the chair anyway. My mom woke up early that morning (like 2 am) to keep me company. She dozed off on the couch and I in the chair after a while. My Master was getting more medicine at least every two hours and sometimes more often, to keep the pain under control. He wasn't really responding much to anyone or anything the last two days of his life- his body was shutting down everything. <br /><br />There are still sometimes when I look at his picture, or think I hear his voice, that I'm sure he can't really be gone for good. I think he might just be on a trip and coming home soon, although I know that's not true. I just don't always want to accept it. </span></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-47905543794177593182022-09-15T12:49:00.003-05:002022-09-15T12:49:37.541-05:00Support<p> <span style="font-size: large;">I finally found a grief support group to join. There wasn't much in person going on, and then the group I found is still at a church. I was trying to avoid church groups because I feel like I can't be my authentic self there without the old patronizing "We'll pray for you... subtext... to stop being such a slut/heathen/hedonist..." <br /><br />But, anyway, my desire for going to a meeting like this eventually outweighed my fear of revealing too much and such. I can still pray in my own ways. I certainly am not buying into a different religion just by showing up there. <br /><br />In my small town, there just don't seem to be other options. Anyway, I've been to two meetings and they both went well. See, I don't really believe in Heaven and Hell, or the devil, or sin, or Jesus (as anyone other than a wise man from history). </span></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-33481031982480101142022-08-06T08:41:00.001-05:002022-08-06T08:41:38.159-05:00TMI Tuesday Why am I even?<p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"> <strong style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #751a1a; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">1. What is your go to question to ask in online dating?</strong></span></p><p><strong style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #751a1a; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></strong></p><p><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; border: 0px; color: #751a1a; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">This week it's about online dating and I don't do online dating. I don't have anything here. I'm not sure what I'm doing with these questions.</span></span></p><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; margin: 0px 0px 24px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; color: #751a1a; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">2. How old is the pic you use for your online dating profile?</span></strong></span></p><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; margin: 0px 0px 24px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">I don't have one. </span></p><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; margin: 0px 0px 24px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; color: #751a1a; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">3. What is your biggest dating pet peeve?</span></strong></span></p><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; margin: 0px 0px 24px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">The online part. </span></p><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; margin: 0px 0px 24px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; color: #751a1a; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">4. What are your goals with online dating?</span></strong></span></p><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; margin: 0px 0px 24px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; color: #751a1a; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">No dating, no goals. </span></span></span></p><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; margin: 0px 0px 24px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; color: #751a1a; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><strong style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">5. Have you ever slid into a stranger’s DMs? Did they respond?</span></strong></span></p><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; margin: 0px 0px 24px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; color: #751a1a; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;">Nope. </span></span></span></p><p style="background: rgb(255, 255, 255); border: 0px; color: #333333; margin: 0px 0px 24px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: medium;"><b><span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; color: red; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background: transparent; border: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Bonus</span></span>: Do you think a couple’s finances should be together or separate?</b><br /><br />Separate unless they are either married or living together and close to being married. </span></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-12037612616699610262022-08-06T08:09:00.000-05:002022-08-06T08:09:01.434-05:00 Play<p><span style="font-size: medium;"> It has been 10 months since I lost my Master. Every month or so I was going to breakfast or lunch with Dr. Peter, and we had once discussed whether I would want to play again. At that time I wasn't ready. I couldn't think of playing without being overwhelmed by sadness that my Master wouldn't be there too. </span> <span style="font-size: medium;">A couple weeks ago I started thinking about playing again, and this time without so much sadness. It started to sound appealing again. I brought it up to Dr. Peter and we arranged a date for me to go over to his place for lunch and play. <br /></span><br /><span style="font-size: medium;">Beforehand, I was worried that I'd have a sudden attack of sadness during play. Or that I'd go home and have a serious subdrop with no one at home to hug me. But I decided I was ready to try, willing to take that risk and just go for it. Because I really missed playing, and I missed playing with Dr. Peter too. </span><br /><br /><br /></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-16560776955013651052022-06-16T05:25:00.004-05:002022-06-16T05:25:33.921-05:00Getting Unstuck, the podcast<p> <a href="https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/getting-unstuck/">Getting Unstuck</a></p><p><br /></p><p>This is for the late phoenix, who mentioned also feeling rudderless. It was a really helpful podcast to me. I haven't actually done the exercise mentioned, but even just thinking about there being an exercise that I COULD do has helped me feel less angsty, a bit. Maybe someday I will do the writing and see where it goes. </p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-687666728767079272022-06-12T21:55:00.004-05:002022-06-12T21:55:48.051-05:00Sucks<p> It sucks that all our private jokes for just the two of us are now just a private joke for me, no one to share it. </p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-36298275210779185232022-06-12T08:58:00.001-05:002022-06-12T08:58:04.691-05:00Ugh people make me crazy.<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiAOLwHlqNX6QndUJR4HB6pEdpfF-sAso3zuP-mmfCbowfao15Wn5unKRPri8J-1Iw6EVxaJ1hIgzMO7iTJGxvkoxn7AsZaTC6D0oFW9SOqtlk80fW5PHxTFHkvcjOFZu6eZVy1uBF20Q_H8FbvkIHa6SefRXteJUygM3gzY5RSOSD5rAbdAotlJqh8HA" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="881" data-original-width="720" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiAOLwHlqNX6QndUJR4HB6pEdpfF-sAso3zuP-mmfCbowfao15Wn5unKRPri8J-1Iw6EVxaJ1hIgzMO7iTJGxvkoxn7AsZaTC6D0oFW9SOqtlk80fW5PHxTFHkvcjOFZu6eZVy1uBF20Q_H8FbvkIHa6SefRXteJUygM3gzY5RSOSD5rAbdAotlJqh8HA" width="196" /></a></div><br /><p></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-19022096588833700492022-06-12T08:33:00.001-05:002022-06-12T08:33:22.121-05:00Random Journal Thoughts<p> I keep hearing journaling being recommended for mental health so I'm going to try to use this space for that. I'm just used to typing now and don't feel like using a paper book for it.</p><p>I just got back from visiting my parents. My dad has been having a hard time. Which means my mom is also having a hard time. He has some type of blood disease (cancer) which is rare and I keep forgetting the name of it. He's on various medicines for that which cause him other unpleasant side effects. It's not chemo but something else. I don't know why I can't remember these things. I suppose I am just too afraid of something serious being wrong that he's not going to recover from. In addition, he just found out that he has a broken foot that he's been limping around on for a month before finally getting an x ray. Both his feet were hurting from swelling so it was overlooked by the doctor and everyone else? It's distressing. He's still walking around without a cast or boot because they couldn't get one off the shelf and also it's already been a month. My mom has so much to take care of with the farm I don't know how she was doing it. Or will continue to do it. I know she has cut back a little bit on the number of animals just through attrition (they get old and die off and aren't replaced) but there are still something like 7 cows, 1 horse, several hundred sheep and 8 dogs. She brought up that my Master had always told her when she gets too old for farming she could move in with us and she hoped that I still had that invitation on the table. I regret that I merely looked startled by that and didn't immediately say of course. Maybe I should have said something. I was just so alarmed by the implications that this would be after my dad dies and I am not ready to face that at all. Although I could see that could happen sooner or later. We all die, of course. I just don't want to think about it. And then there is the problem of all the animals: my mom said she could just bring them with her. She said it might not be for another 10 years. Ok, but in 10 year if she still has 100 sheep and calculating...5 dogs are likely... where do I put them on 10 acres? Impossible. The other less major issue is that my mom is hyperactive and talks ALL the time. I dearly love her but I feel exhausted after too much togetherness. I like a lot of stillness and silence at home, which is why I like getting up at 5 even on weekends and I have hours to myself. She always wants to be busy, which means I try to keep up with her more than I do on my own. So I suppose I'd have to develop some strategies there for my own sanity. Anyway, I feel like telling her of course she can live with me if she needs to. There are ways around the problems, I know it. The women on her side live well into their nineties on average. She asked me what I planned to do with the second half of my life. I told her I don't want to live that long. But she said I should plan on it. I also told her I don't know what the plan is. Maybe I'll move, maybe not. I just don't know where the future is going to take me. I guess none of us really do, I just don't feel like making plans. One day at a time is where I am at. </p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-11928367115672235502022-03-13T08:18:00.002-05:002022-03-13T08:18:05.908-05:00TMI<p> </p><p><br /></p><p> 1. Under what circumstances would you fake your own kidnapping?</p><p><br /></p><p>I think this sounds like way too much trouble. What if I just fake baking a cake? Look, I have a cake! I have baked it! </p><p><br /></p><p>(just kidding, there's no cake)</p><p><br /></p><p>2. Do you feel you belong?</p><p><br /></p><p>Oh, yeah, probably. The pups have accepted me as one of them. </p><p><br /></p><p>3. In your life, what is a fun thing you did that you will never do again?</p><p><br /></p><p>Ice skating. It was fun when I was in my 20s, but I tried again a few years ago and it just made my feet hurt. </p><p><br /></p><p>4. Do you listen to your inner voice?</p><p><br /></p><p>Yes. </p><p><br /></p><p>5. What can you hear?</p><p><br /></p><p>Right now, out loud or from my inner voice?</p><p>My inner voice says I should go watch that Last Kingdom show. Out loud I hear a bunch of dogs walking around the house. Click, click, click...</p><p><br /></p><p>Bonus: Do you know yourself?</p><p><br /></p><p>Yes, better than I know anyone else. </p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-1189223789893218922022-03-13T07:26:00.001-05:002022-03-13T07:26:11.029-05:00I gave away his coat today<p><span style="font-size: medium;"> My Master left me an unofficial will, or list of things to give away, in addition to having a regular lawyer-approved will. It's taken me this long to even get in touch with one of the people on his list. It's really hard to face that he's not going to be using these things anymore. Some days I just feel like he's gone on a really long trip and I'm sick of it and I just want him to get back already, although my head knows that he's really not on a trip.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Master used to work with a guy who never had a proper winter coat. He would only buy a cheap one every year, because of not having money, and then it would fall apart by the time the next season came, not really having kept him warm. Master told me to give his good winter coat to this man. They hadn't worked together in several years and hadn't really been in touch. It's a really poofy LL Bean one, the highest cold rated coat they make, a real Wisconsin winter coat and it should last a decade.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">We were originally going to meet for coffee but I have a cold (not covid, I tested) and didn't want to give him that too, so I said I'd just meet at a parking lot and give him the coat. We were wearing masks. He grabbed me and hugged me for a really long time. I know they were good friends but I didn't expect so much emotion in a hug.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">He asked how I was doing.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">"Oh, you know..." I trailed off.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Each thing is like a mountain.</span></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-50043253067901746052021-12-03T18:17:00.000-06:002021-12-03T18:17:24.815-06:00TMI, ummm, Friday<p> <span style="font-size: large;">1. With whom would you love to sing a duet?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">My Master. :( :( </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">2. Have you ever cried over a pet? What kind?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">Yes, of course. Mostly I've had dogs. Also cats, horses, sheep. I cry over a lot of things, though. Other people's pets included. I cried about a dog that came into the clinic and didn't survive because the owners waited too long to have her treated. I didn't even know the dog or the owner. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">3. Do you think your personality needs polishing? Why?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">No. I'm a sparkly, sparkly sunshine. Pthtllllpppt. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">4. What is the worst injury you’ve ever had?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">I got a concussion while sledding and remember being in the car on the way to the hospital and saying "Mommy, I can't see". I had my eyes open. That freaked her out more than it did me. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">5. If you had a clone, what part or your life or tasks would you have it do on your behalf?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">Cleaning the oven and stove. Hate that. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: large;">Bonus: Gifting supermarket flowers–good or bad?<br /><br />Yes, they are good, if I'm getting flowers. </span></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-60444245276997183082021-11-16T06:31:00.001-06:002021-11-16T06:31:25.334-06:00TMI Tuesday<p> <span style="font-size: medium;"> 1. You went to dinner on a first date, and your date took care of the bill. But when you get home you get a text from your date that is a Venmo request (money transfer app i.e., TransferWise, Paypal Worldremit Azimo) for half the cost of dinner. Do you;</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">a. Pay the Venmo amount in order to up your chances of a second date</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">b. Only pay for what you actually consumed</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">c. Pay nothing because the date supposedly picked up the tab and did not discuss halfsies when you were face-to-face</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">d. Call the date and yell “WTF?!”</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">C. and also never see them again because that is some passive aggressive bullshit that they can't ask to split the check in the restaurant if that's what they wanted. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">2. Does anyone owe you over twenty dollars? How many different people?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">No. I don't lend money except to my kids and I haven't at the moment. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">3. Are you one to sneak food into movie theaters?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I have, but not often. I don't buy food there hardly ever. And I haven't been to a theater since oh, 2019. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">4. What do you want to brag about?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">How cute my dogs are. SOOOO cute. And cuddly. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">5. What do you get in trouble for the most?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Trouble? What, me? </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Bonus: What is in your attic?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I have never been there. Could be a mummy or a bat civilization. </span> </p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-58587233372195249322021-11-09T18:43:00.002-06:002021-11-09T18:48:20.610-06:00TMI Tuesday<p><span style="font-size: medium;"> 1. Traditions. We all have them. Some good and, well, some not so good. Think for a minute. When you were a kid, what were your holiday traditions? Do you still follow some of them today?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">When I was a kid, we'd open the presents usually the day before Christmas eve, at night, and then my parents would drive all night to get to the first set of grandparents house. Me and my brother (and later on, a couple dogs) would sleep in the back. The seats would all fold down to make a cozy bed. Then we'd wake up to breakfast and Grandma and Grandpa's. They would spoil us with sausages, sweet rolls, all sorts of attention, while my mom and dad slept to make up for the night. Christmas morning my aunt and uncles would be there, and all the cousins and we'd open presents and have another big breakfast. Then we'd drive to the other grandparents' house and do it all again.<br /><br />I don't follow those traditions, especially not the driving at night because I just can't. Sometimes we go visit my kids' grandparents and sometimes we stay home.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">2. How would you describe this stage of your life?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Uh, mourning and bullshit? </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">3. What is next for you?<br /><br />I'd say recovery of equilibrium. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">4. What will you do this month to nourish you?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Hug my friends, play with my puppies. Hug my friend's puppies. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">5. Are you participating in Movember?<br /><br />Nope. I try to walk when I have energy, but that's not every day. My job involves a lot of walking most days. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Bonus: What is your motto?<br /><br />I don't know, what's the motto with you?</span></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-4902342053225693012021-11-07T17:11:00.001-06:002021-11-07T17:11:13.732-06:00Weird lost feelings, reprint with easier to see color<p><span style="font-size: medium;"> I feel weird about still being in all the Master/slave groups on fetlife, seeing as how I'm no longer a slave and am not seeking anyone. I don't know if I'd ever want to be a slave again. Right now, my feeling is no.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">But I can't really stand to leave the groups either, and I still read the topics. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">But also, I am still wearing my "vanilla" collar every day because it feels important to keep. I stopped wearing the night or play collar because it was bothering me, I don't know why. All these little decisions that have no real right or wrong answer, I just answer with my gut feeling on what I want to do at the moment. It's a weird sensation having no real answer and just do what I want though.</span></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-35834170883679429672021-11-07T07:56:00.001-06:002021-11-07T07:56:10.805-06:00Puppies! <p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxrDkCSHouakFu2fLtjsD1oF91sgsCcENmvvOOC3YLzWGIh56MJSLKuRzFfBxmcQ4vEL_EGsonAAzdINmrI_WIQsfbzqrb5j2nLOekMXywx-D_NllKlqAj997YWEsFZdYHuOc1RBslCW2H/s2048/253858441_10158211803420974_672183694119028912_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1596" data-original-width="2048" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxrDkCSHouakFu2fLtjsD1oF91sgsCcENmvvOOC3YLzWGIh56MJSLKuRzFfBxmcQ4vEL_EGsonAAzdINmrI_WIQsfbzqrb5j2nLOekMXywx-D_NllKlqAj997YWEsFZdYHuOc1RBslCW2H/s320/253858441_10158211803420974_672183694119028912_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>They are big! Still so cute though. <p></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-43771237596729633292021-11-07T07:52:00.000-06:002021-11-07T07:52:06.461-06:00Weird lost feelings<p> </p><ol aria-label="Messages in emotional-support" aria-orientation="vertical" class="scrollerInner-2YIMLh" data-list-id="chat-messages" role="list" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: Whitney, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; list-style: none; margin: 0px; min-height: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" tabindex="0"><li aria-setsize="-1" class="messageListItem-1-jvGY" id="chat-messages-906899877236199516" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><div aria-describedby="" aria-labelledby="message-username-906899877236199516 uid_1 message-content-906899877236199516 uid_2 message-timestamp-906899877236199516" aria-roledescription="Message" aria-setsize="-1" class="message-2qnXI6 cozyMessage-3V1Y8y groupStart-23k01U wrapper-2a6GCs cozy-3raOZG zalgo-jN1Ica" data-list-item-id="chat-messages___chat-messages-906899877236199516" role="article" style="-webkit-box-flex: 0; background-color: var(--background-message-hover); border: 0px; flex: 0 0 auto; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 1.0625rem 0px 0px; min-height: 2.75rem; outline: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding-bottom: 0.125rem; padding-left: 72px; padding-right: 48px !important; padding-top: 0.125rem; position: relative; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline;" tabindex="-1"><div class="contents-2mQqc9" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: static; vertical-align: baseline;"><div class="markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC" id="message-content-906899877236199516" style="border: 0px; color: var(--text-normal); font-family: inherit; font-size: 1rem; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.375rem; margin: 0px 0px 0px -72px; outline: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 72px; position: relative; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: break-spaces;">I feel weird about still being in all the Master/slave groups on fetlife, seeing as how I'm no longer a slave and am not seeking anyone. I don't know if I'd ever want to be a slave again. Right now, my feeling is no.
But I can't really stand to leave the groups either, and I still read the topics. </div></div><div class="buttonContainer-DHceWr" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: absolute; right: 0px; top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><div aria-label="Message Actions" class="buttons-cl5qTG container-3npvBV isHeader-2dII4U" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; opacity: 1; outline: 0px; padding: 0px 14px 0px 32px; pointer-events: auto; position: absolute; right: 0px; top: -16px; vertical-align: baseline; z-index: 1;"><div class="wrapper-2aW0bm" style="-webkit-box-align: center; -webkit-box-pack: start; align-items: center; background-color: var(--background-primary); border-radius: 4px; border: 0px; box-shadow: var(--elevation-stroke); box-sizing: border-box; display: grid; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; grid-auto-flow: column; 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border: 0px; flex: 0 0 auto; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; min-height: 1.375rem; outline: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding-bottom: 0.125rem; padding-left: 72px; padding-right: 48px !important; padding-top: 0.125rem; position: relative; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline;" tabindex="-1"><div class="contents-2mQqc9" style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: static; vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="latin24CompactTimeStamp-2V7XIQ timestamp-3ZCmNB timestampVisibleOnHover-2bQeI4 alt-1uNpEt" style="border: 0px; color: var(--text-muted); cursor: default; display: inline-block; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0.6875rem; font-style: inherit; height: 1.375rem; left: 0px; line-height: 1.375rem; margin: 0px 0.25rem 0px 0px; opacity: 0; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; pointer-events: auto; position: absolute; text-align: right; user-select: none; vertical-align: baseline; width: 56px; z-index: 1;"><time aria-label="Today at 7:40 AM" datetime="2021-11-07T13:40:51.895Z" id="message-timestamp-906901017151545374"><span aria-hidden="true" class="separator-2nZzUB" style="display: inline-block; opacity: 0; position: absolute; width: 0px;">[</span>7:40 AM<span aria-hidden="true" class="separator-2nZzUB" style="display: inline-block; opacity: 0; position: absolute; width: 0px;">]</span></time></span><div class="markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC" id="message-content-906901017151545374" style="border: 0px; color: var(--text-normal); font-family: inherit; font-size: 1rem; font-style: inherit; line-height: 1.375rem; margin: 0px 0px 0px -72px; outline: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; overflow: hidden; padding: 0px 0px 0px 72px; position: relative; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: break-spaces;">But also, I am still wearing my "vanilla" collar every day because it feels important to keep. I stopped wearing the night or play collar because it was bothering me, I don't know why. All these little decisions that have no real right or wrong answer, I just answer with my gut feeling on what I want to do at the moment. It's a weird sensation having no real answer and just do what I want though.</div></div></div></li></ol>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-86148540121229980002021-11-02T05:14:00.003-05:002021-11-02T05:14:58.111-05:00TMI Tuesday. <p> <span style="font-size: medium;">1. You found bags of money, in an empty storage room. It appears to be around $100,000 cash (usd). Do you:</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">A. Take the bags home, count the money, roll around in it, and day dream about how you will spend it</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">B. Get the hell out of the storage room, leaving the money behind.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">C. Take a little money to pay some immediate bills, and maybe enough to cover one nagging debt.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">D. Call someone whom you trust and ask their advice on what to do.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">E. Take the money to the police and explain how and where you found it.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Probably E. With that much money, it's got to be trouble to just take it.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">2. Have you had your wallet stolen?</span></p><p>No, but I had someone attempt to take my purse when I was in high school, a kid. He ran by in the hall and grabbed it, but I just held on to the strap and glared for a few seconds until he ran off. I didn't know him. </p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">3. Have you ever been a victim of identity theft? What happened?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Does having a credit card used fraudulently count? That has happened a few times, and we got the charges erased and got a new card. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">4. How do you let loose?</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">I don't really. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">5. Finish the sentence: People often say to me _____ .<br /><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">You're so quiet. I don't say anything in reply. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Bonus: Do you have a lot to say?</span></p><p>See above. </p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-67025860369469853592021-10-22T19:10:00.000-05:002021-10-22T19:10:12.467-05:00Blessing for the Dailiness of Grief<p> <span style="font-size: medium;">Sorry I am to say it, but it is here, most likely, you will know the rending most deeply.<br /><br />It will take your breath away, how the grieving waits for you in the most ordinary moments.<br /><br />It will wake with your waking.<br />It will sit itself down with you at the table, inhabiting the precise shape of the emptiness across from you.</span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">It will walk down the street with you in the form of no hand reaching out to take yours.<br /><br />It will stand alongside you in every conversation, nearly unbearable in its silence that fairly screams.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">It will brush its teeth with you at night and climb into bed with you when finally you let go of this day. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Even as it goes always with you, it will manage to startle you with its presence, causing you to weep when you enter the empty kitchen in the morning, when you spread fresh sheet on the bed you shared, when you walk out through the door alone and pass back through it likewise.<br /><br />It is here you will know it best- in the moments that made up the rhythm of your days, that fashioned the litany of your life, the togethering you will never know in the same way again. <br /><br />But I will tell you it is here, too, that your solace lies. It will wait for you in those same moments that stun you with their sorrow. <br /><br />I cannot tell you how, but it will not cease to carry you in the cadence that has forever altered but whose echo will persist with a stubbornness that will surprise you, bearing you along, breathing with you still through the terrible and exquisite ordinary days. </span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">A poem by Jan Richardson</span></p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8866345106243176357.post-27904296325554789892021-10-22T18:51:00.003-05:002021-10-22T18:51:22.384-05:00I never thought <p> Washing my Master's body.</p><p><br /></p><p>I never thought that I would be the one. </p><p>I never thought that I'd be there. </p><p>I never thought I'd want to. </p><p>I never thought I'd be able to. </p><p>I certainly never thought it would be an unspeakable combination of sacred and horror.</p><p><br /></p><p>My Master died at 7:00 am on Friday morning. We had him home on hospice, where he wanted to be, before he became incoherent. Death is a horrifying thing up close, probably no matter how it happens. I had been sleeping next to him in the living room, he had one of those hospital beds there. His breath was getting more and more labored. With a rattle sound the hospice nurses had warned us about. I have seen enough animals in the process of dying that when he started the gasp death reflex I called the hospice nurse. I got Matt, who was also on call the night we brought Master home and called him in a panic because we were having trouble with medications. He came to our house at 9 pm and spent almost 2 hours with us, figuring out the right dosages. He wrote out a schedule and I stuck to it day and night, taking night shifts with other family members, but still barely sleeping. I could only really sleep in the recliner chair right next to his bed. When I tried to go upstairs to sleep during someone else's shift I mostly just lay awake.</p><p><br /></p><p>It was again Matt on the phone when I called that Friday morning and I remember my exact words: </p><p>"He is doing that gasping thing that animals do when they are dying". </p><p>His reassuring, confident voice said, unsurprised by my weird comparison, "It's time to wake everyone up so they can say goodbye". Which I did.</p><p><br /></p><p>Another hospice nurse and some other people came out to the house to establish the official time of death, but it was 20 minutes later than my Master's real, true time of death. She was the one that suggested we might want to wash him, but she was ok doing it if we didn't want to. My Master's mother and I did this sacred duty. To wash him. Before he was taken away.</p><p><br /></p><p>I never thought it would be me.</p><p>His mother, I'm sure, never thought it would have to be her.</p>ancilla_kssthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10968994155747861194noreply@blogger.com1