It's been three years

 It's been three years, which seems both like a lifetime and a blink of an eye.  I still feel the heavy weight of the unfairness that a wonderful, intelligent, generous, fun, funny person like my Master is gone from the world forever.  

I desperately miss sex and BDSM and BDSM involved sex.  It's not that I've had nothing in the past three years, it's that while I have had a few playdates they have been very few and far between.  By which I mean I can count them on one hand.  I feel very self centered even saying that.  But I miss just falling into bed on a whim and doing... whatever he had in mind.   

I have found an in person grief group which I really vibe with.  The first one I tried was in a church and it was just way too churchy.  I felt like I would be very judged there if I opened up too much.  I guess I have enough secrets that I feel like most people would be able to judge me quite harshly and this makes me afraid of saying the wrong thing, which then makes me afraid of saying anything.   

The new grief group is very small, all lean to the left politically and are open minded about sexualities and genders.  I still have a lot of secrets from them even though in some ways I do let my guard down and share.  I feel like I am constantly on the verge of sharing way too much which I then could not take back and then they would dislike me.  However, some of them have shared even more than me and I still like them. 

Overthinkers Anon. anyone?  

 Most of them are married/ have a significant other still.  Which makes me slightly alone in a way.  But I really, really like the group.  We meet every week, and also have a book club that meets monthly.  And now a private online group called Sad Friends, which is a joke because one of the members introduced the others as "these are my sad friends" which her wife hated and then it became a goofy thing to us to say we are the sad friends.   We laugh way more than most grief groups.  It's one way to cope.  

 

. You Never Know When They Will Catch Up To You

 I just made what would have been a hilarious joke on social media, if only the one other person who would get it would have been around to read it.  

There was a time, long ago, when Master and I were only dating, around a millenium ago, and we were shopping for some fruit. I  was saying something about how I really only like perfect fruit and sometimes it's just bland but you don't know until you bring it home and then it's too late. 

  And he said "Oh, well, let's just taste these blueberries and then we'll know."  He opened up one of the blueberry packets and took out a couple and ate them.  I was horrified and said in a mock-whisper "Oh no, they are going to get you now!" and he said "Who? The blueberry police?" and that started a fit of giggles that went with us through the whole store until check out.  They never stop. They always get you in the end.  Yes, the blueberry police are still after us! And they have continued to be after us ever since.  Only Master has outwitted them.  But I was an accomplice and thus just as guilty.  

Hustlin and Hustlin

A lot of people have had to start their life over when the world ended on them in one way or another.  A lot have had the crash hit worse than mine so I don't want to sound like I'm special or unique or anything.   But. 

In 2021 my world did come crashing down.  In addition to being my love, my soulmate, my best friend, my Master, my Leader, my guide to living, he was also my physical, financial and emotional support.  
I had a dependence on him that went through everything I did.  Thank God for the therapist we went to while he was in treatment for cancer that gave me the confidence that I could face life like a warrior.  Without her mantras and drawing things out of me... I don't know... I might be a collapsed butterfly in a hurricane.  I might have given up on life entirely.

But today when I talk to family members who ask me how I'm doing I don't have to lie and say "fine" and "ok" even though really I was falling down completely emotionally or barely holding it together.  Many days I actually am fine, ok, or even good.   I still miss my Master unbearably, when I'm home, when I'm out and see something he would have loved to see or to hear about, at night, in the evening, just random times during the day.  But when I'm not struck by those pangs of pain and lonlieness I do feel like I am pretty good.  I feel like have great friends who have stood with me, cried with me, been there for me.  My kids are doing well, growing up at a rapid pace. 

I started going to kink events now that covid is declared "endemic" instead of "pandemic".   I went to an event in January and just yesterday, both of them with a couple of friends, and we played together.  It was super fun.  

My work is going better than I imagined.  I had been very dispirited and hopeless about finding a job back when my Master was encouraging (requiring) me to look for one.  I rarely got any response to my resumes.  But then after my Master  passed away, his boss offered me a job.  It didn't pay a lot and it wasn't anything prestigious, but I jumped at it as a step up from working for the temp agency with whom I had started a job the month before.  

Since then I have been hustling and hustling to make my budget work.  In case you are wondering, the household finances took an 80% cut in income from the peak of Master's earning (before he was sick) compared to what I could get at a temp agency.    Look at your current household salary and take 80% of it away.  Kinda bleak, huh?

We had spent a lot of our money on medical bills.   Without being given a sum of money by my parents and also Master having life insurance I would have gone broke.  But thankfully that didn't happen, and by budget slashing and various means (social security) I haven't really used very much of that money for the day to day living.  Plus, the job with his old boss has several perks and raises already that really help me out. Last month I went from part time (32 hours a week) to full time (35 hours a week). According to the official poverty line I'm still below it, but I feel like I have enough to get by and do the fun things I would like to do.  Fuck saving every cent for when I'm eighty though.  

Maybe I won't live that long. 

 We are only hear to find joy and help others, aren't we?    

tmi

 1. Compared to 5 years ago do you care more or less about what people think of you?

Oh, less and less every year.  One of the perks of getting older.

2. What is the last self-help book, article or blog post you read? Did it help you?

I read some stuff on grieving.com.  It's somewhat helpful to know that the ways of grieving are pretty universal, the weird thoughts we have and other odd things that people don't talk about or they try to shame people for them, but actually it's totally normal and typical.  

3. Tell us 3 people you must have in your life.  My kids and my mom.  I have a few others too, but it said three.  My dad, Mystique, my brother.  

4. Does tech interfere with your personal relationships? How so?

Sometimes I get wrapped up in reading and don't pay enough attention to what's going on around me. 

5. When you want your partner or friend’s undivided attention, how do you communicate that?

I don't.  I'm pretty undemanding as a friend.

Bonus: What is your view of love? 

We should all love more.  

TMIT

 1. Defend your splurge –

Tell us why you bought that thing — we won’t judge.

Electronic mousetraps:  more expensive than normal mousetraps but I hope they work a lot better.  

2. What is one thing you always take from a hotel room?

My luggage!  Sometimes I take the little shampoo bottle too- they are so handy to have.   Stealing anything that's not a consumable, like towels etc to me is the same as shoplifting.  

3. What is one thing in your pantry you know you keep for too long?

Herbs: parsley, dill etc.  they are so old and bland and I hardly use them so I don't bother to buy more. 

4. Which game show sums up your life?

a. Jeopardy

b. Family Feud

c. The Price is Right

d. The Dating Game

Jeopardy: everything is so trivial!

5. When all is said and done, will you have said more than you have done?

Said more than done?  Ummm I've probably given more dating advice than I have done actual going on dates.  It's hard to come up with something for this one. 

Dreams

 Sometimes I ask my Master to come see me in my dreams and he does.  I really feel close to his spirit that way.  Last night I dreamed he called me from work and asked me to come pick him up because he was sick.   I just said "I will.  You can tell me about it on the way home".  But that was the end of the dream because I woke up.  

TMI Tuesday: Hairless and Sexless

 1. If your chest is hairless would you have a chest hair transplant?

That's funny, because no I don't want chest hair.  I prefer less chest hair for men too.  

2. Are you the center of attention at parties?

No, I'm pretty introverted.

3. What libido-boosting foods do you believe in and use?

I don't believe in this.  I think heavy foods can make  people too loggy to be interested, but just eat lightly if you want to have sex later.   Unless it's chocolate.  Chocolate definitely boosts libido.  Bring me all the chocolates. 

4. Do you ever get tired of talking about sex?

Yes, I'm totally tired of writing and thinking about sex.  My mojo is gone.  

5. How do you think your attitude toward sex differs from your partner’s attitude?

Currently without partner.