Assignment: Fanfic- Ship two characters in 300 words or less

 Sam: "...folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something."

Frodo: "What are we holding on to, Sam?"

Sam: "That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for." 

Frodo: "Sam, we are worth fighting for".

Sam:  "I can't do this, Master."

Frodo laid his hand tenderly on Sam's breast, meeting his dark eyes with a firm look.   "Remember how you carried me when I was weak, Sam?  Remember when you stood by me at a time when no one else could?   I can carry you now, Sam.   Give yourself to me."

Sam laid aside his coat and began undoing the buttons of his stained, long worn shirt.  Frodo brushed his work roughened hands away with slim fingers and finished opening the buttons himself.  Sam panted slightly as Frodo slid the suspenders from his shoulders.   

"We shouldn't even be here".   

"I know, Sam, but we are, and I can make you feel like you're in the greatest story of all time". 

Sam leaned back as Frodo pressed forward with his parted lips.  The moss underneath them on the shady river bank was slightly damp and tickled his back as he moved underneath his former Master.   

A cool breeze brushed their foreheads and lifted tousled hair, relieving some of heat of the afternoon swelter.  Frodo's hands slid down between Sam's legs and parted them.  His formerly gentle fingers dug through cloth into the sensitive inner thigh, causing Sam to gasp.  

"Oh!"  

The fingers became gentle again and gripped Sam's shaft through the rough fabric of his dun colored trousers.  "Give yourself to me, boy".

"Oh. Master" Sam was panting with desire.  "Yes, I will," he groaned.  

The trousers were slid off, tossed aside, and Frodo's head move down to allow his mouth to encompass Sam's thickness.   

After they were spent, side by side they lay a long time on the shady bank, not think of rings, or orcs, or Nazgul, but only each other. 

Online Course

 I'm taking an online course in erotic writing, and since basically no one is reading this blog anymore, I thought I would just do my homework assignments in this space, for myself to keep track of.

First assignment:  Pick a symbol for your sexuality and write about it.  100-200 words

Then: Pick a motif in your own sexuality up to this point and describe why you think it is a motif.

Imagine a stress ball.  It could be blue or it could be pink.  It's about the size of a golf ball, made of a sort of latex rubber, filled with glue, and covered with tiny soft prickles.  Sometimes the prickles fall off if you are too rough with it.  But the temptation is always there to squeeze it.  The harder you squeeze, the more pleasure you can have with it.  If you press your thumbs into this stress ball, the outer skin becomes thin, almost liminally so.  You never want to press her so hard that you break her because then she'll be gone.  But when you press just hard enough, you can feel the ball and yourself sighing together inaudibly with taut pleasure.  

I have to think a little bit more and figure out what a motif is before I do the next one. 

Shepherd's Pie and Orgasms

 I can't believe it has been almost a year since I wrote anything at all on the blog.  I had a bit of a horrific time this spring with flooding in my basement and a lot of things being ruined, including the washing machine and shelves of books.   The washing machine was inconvenient and money, but the books... they were my Master's and some of mine, and I cried as I carried each load out to the trash can.   It was like losing friends.   But in the end they are just things.   But each one holds a memory of some kind.   In addition to the flooding I had a lot of other house related issues.  I had to replace a shower, the roof and gutters need work, etc etc. It seems never ending this year.  So maybe I will be doing that instead of a vacation.   

I have been keeping a busy social calendar in addition to working.  One big news is that I was a bridesmaid in Mystique and hasufel's wedding!  That was really, really cool.  She still claims me as a part of the throuple but we are not active in "that way", we just have a medium amount of hang out time.   I have many feelings, which I won't get into at the moment.  Just know

But I still very much the lack of someone to hold me after a bad day, or someone to flirt with playfully, or someone to just fucking rail the shit out of me.  Um, pardon my French, ha!

I had been meaning to message Dr. Peter for a long time (months) to see if we could get together but one thing after another (mainly the house projects) kept coming up.  But finally last week I did and he was feeling better so he said yes.   

I woke up early feeling super excited and already horny, and went to grief group, which you would think would bring down the energy level but I have a special technique thanks to one therapist and involving hot air balloons.   I was able to let the weight go easily.   

Dr. Peter had made a shepherd's pie from scratch and a salad to go with, but we first had a cup of tea and chatted, and then played. 

I stripped down and he checked in with me, making sure I didn't have any problem areas or spots to avoid.  I was feeling good.  Then I knelt on the couch over a towel, facing the wall.  There was a pillow for my face.  First he gave me a light warm up flogging.  I'm not positive of the order of implements, but I think next was possibly a really stingy little cane that had a different name than rattan.   He was telling me all about it but I didn't retain very much.  He caned all up and down my body from shoulders to ass to thighs, calves and the bottoms of my feet.  I was getting a bit wiggly and he reminded me that I must be still.  After that there was the leather cane (baton?) that I really like and a few more things, including fur rubs.  I lost track of the particular implements but I was feeling by overwhelming arousal.  I felt I might come at any second.  He stopped and I told him how I was feeling so he asked me to masturbate for him.   I asked if I should wait for the command and he said yes he would tell me when I could orgasm.   It took only a few seconds I think and then a second one right after because I was so close already.  At the same time he was talking dirty to me and smacking the fronts of my legs with the cane.  

  I don't feel like I took a lot of pain but I felt like the stored up and frustrated pleasure was really coming out.  

Beating and Eating

 A while ago we were trying to come up with a cute name for our Thursday meetings (me and Dr Peter).  Today we came up with "Beating and Eating" which sounded funnier when I was high on brain chemicals and subspace than it does right now, later in the evening. 

What do you think?  Funny? Too silly?  Beating and Eating.  Tea and Canes. Whacks and Snacks. 

Last time, which I think was in early July, he asked me if there was anything I would like to add to our play sessions.  I wasn't sure in the moment, but I thought about it all month and asked if we could add in some bondage.  He said he'd like to do that also, although he's not an elaborate rope lover.  He asked me if I'd be ok wearing a play session collar and I said I would.  

This morning I dug through my bags of toys and found my leather cuffs which I haven't worn since before my Master was getting sick.   It gave me a stab to the heart to even pick them up and look at them again, but I felt I was ready so I powered through the feeling, acknowledging it along the way, and packed them in a bag with some rope.  

Over at Dr. Peter's house we talked for a few minutes on the couch and then I undressed and he placed a leather collar with a large ring which lay flat against my neck.  The tightness and weight was strange and familiar at the same time.  He put the cuffs on me, an extremely familiar feeling, almost like no time had passed since I last wore them.  They are quite emotional for me at this point in life, which is part of the reason I wanted to bring them.   He wrapped me in a quick body harness and tied my cuffs to the rope at my sides.   I knelt awkwardly (without hands) on the couch with some pillows to prop me up. 

He draped an implement I couldn't see against my back and asked me to guess its identity.  I immediately thought flogger but it wasn't sliding quite the way the leather ones do so I made a guess and said "Rubber flogger?" which was the right answer.  It is very hard and intense feeling for a few minutes and then he went back to using a gentler flogger.

The second guess was not as successful:  "Wood?" I guessed, because it felt smooth like a paddle.  But it was the smooth leather cane, also very hard and intense on my backside.   I began to whimper but I stayed still. As he exhorted me to take it for him I gave a sigh of pleasure.  After a few more canes he had me turn around and I was feeling subspacey and just a little loopy.  It was time for a little rest and then lunch, which was delicious.  

Emotions and Stuff

 I've been taking a class on shadow work which has ranged from extremely emotional to flat out avoidance (the second session there was a group vote to just go home and not do it) to extremely emotional on the third session.   I had never heard about this before, but it's almost like getting therapized in a group setting with out going to therapy.   

It's honestly better than almost every therapist I've seen because these are my friends and I feel the caring from them unlike a therapist who to me feels like if I weren't paying her she'd rather be at home binging Netflix.  (I have been to 5 therapists now and I took away only 2 things that I still use from 2 of them).   Like "here's this bitch again with her boring problems".   

Between that and my other activities I feel like I've been taking on new emotional hurdles in openness.  

I got on a couple dating apps, and started some conversations.   The ones with women didn't go anywhere really, no spark of common interests I guess.  The first man was quite exciting but before meeting in person I did a quick CCAP ( looking up criminal record) and found out some absolutely no way am I ever meeting this person information.   I highly recommend this step.  I did not ghost, I cancelled the date without telling him the reason.   I felt really shaken after this and almost decided not to pursue the app thing, but after a few weeks I was willing to try again.   

 The second man, we found some mutual interests, and it turned out we'd met before at a munch, so that's a green flag for me (people that go to munches share something of the same level of openness about kink as I do- I don't want someone too timid to show their face anywhere ever. I mean I understand privacy but also I'd like someone to match my level of community engagement).   We went on a date, and he was really interesting and fun.  We didn't do anything,  just sat at a cafe outdoors and talked for a couple hours, but we got into some deep conversational territory.  We plan to meet again.  I'm really bad at texting some days though.  I just leave my phone and live my life, which is what I think we all should be doing.  So I need people to understand that speed of reply is not in any way a rejection.   

The emotional part, I'm getting to that.  I had some conversations with my daughter that I had been avoiding.  One, about death and some of my wishes for when I die, and also about what she wanted to do with her dad's ashes.  I had been wanting to talk about it for years with both kids, but I just kept putting it off as not the right time, or I just don't want to bring it up because I'm scared and uncomfortable.   I still need to have the same or similar conversation with my son. 

The other thing was I brought up that I was on a dating app.  I meant to reassure her that I wasn't planning on marrying or living with someone again ever, I just wanted a companion to do fun things with, but I didn't actually come out and say that.  What do you think?  Is it good to lay out those intentions, or just not say anything about the future because who knows what will actually happen?   For context, both kids are over 20 now.  My daughter is living with a girl partner.  My son lives at home with me and has been using dating apps and had one relatively serious relationship which ended.  

And the final emotional event happened at Thursday's shadow work class where I brought up my sexual assault.  I thought I had mentioned it before in passing, but perhaps no one heard me, or I was too vague.  Surely they wouldn't hear and then forget?   As an introvert, sometimes I think I have clearly said something but in fact I only nodded, made noises and had a full conversation in my head.  Does that happen to others?   

Courtesy of London Tanners

 I had a very emotional morning.  First was grief group for two hours, which was emotionally exhausting (but so worth it) and then lunch with my friends, and then a shadow work class with the same people.  They are so lovely.   This is hard stuff though, emotionally draining.   

Next, Dr Peter met me at the door for our beatings and lunch date.  We kissed and I told him about my emotionally tiring day.  We sat on the couch for a bit and just talked, then we moved downstairs to try out the new toys.  I stripped and knelt. 

We talking about health and feelings in my body, just to check in on how everything was with me.  He rubbed my sore back.   There was a warm up with some of the leather paddles.  There are 4 now- two dark and two light, two with holes and two without.  Each one had to be tried and each had a slightly different feeling.   Then he used a gentle flogger and a heavy thuddy flogger.  When he got to a really  stingy cane I began squirming and "ouching" and he told me in a firm but gentle voice "Take it for me darling".  I said "Yes..." and held still for a few more different canes.  Then he brought out this guy:  

I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but it is layers of very stiff leather.  It's about 2 1/2 feet long.   The feeling when used on me was mainly thud with a little sting.  I began laughing as he was beating my ass and thighs with it.  Oh yes.  My knees were spreading almost on their own.  I was getting very aroused.  Very close.  A few more hits and an orgasm- a paingasm- exploded out of me. 

 Orgasm courtesy of London Tanners! 

They are the makers of the leather "cane" as well as leather paddles.  

He asked if I wanted to sit and rest, which I did.  He brought me a blanket and hot tea and we sat on the couch and cuddled and talked.  
Then we moved up to the bed where I gave him a back massage and then we cuddled under the covers.   It's easy to become cuddle deprived when you don't have a live in partner.  

After a bit we got up and had a delicious meal.  I feel so good and relaxed now.   My ass is marked up with stripes and all is right in my world.  

Picture You

 Do you picture me like I picture you?

Am I in the frame from your point of view?

Do you feel the same? I'm too scared to say

Half of the things I do when I picture you

So tell me now (tell me now)

All your perversions

Am I doing research in a mini skirt

At the library in your hometown?

https://youtu.be/EqUHnojFH5Y?t=2

All of my blogs are titled with Chappell Roan songs lately, because of... reasons.   The slow, leisurely, seductive pace of this song perfectly fits my mood today.  

I had a hard time getting out of bed and getting going this morning. I have been pushing myself to do too many things lately.  The gym. Marches. Community organization meetings.  Work. Driving to Eau Claire in a snowstorm. 

 I made it to Sad Friends Happy Hour group a little bit late, looking "out of it" and feeling worse.

   

Then I had lunch with Dr. Peter.  He asked me if I wanted to eat first or play and I said either way was fine.  He said he'd very much looked forward to beating me.  And in fact a new implement had just arrived in the mail minutes before I got there, a beautiful dark leather custom made paddle from a craftsman in the UK.   It turned out to be like a shot of liquor- stiff and warming.  

All the other implements were laid out just waiting for me and I began to be excited as I threw off my clothes (so modest- not really!).  I knelt on the couch.   I very much liked the leather paddle.  It felt different than the older tan one which is softer, thinner and more flexible.   After I was good and warmed up with both leather paddles he switched to canes, laying down some marks on my upper thighs which are still visible.  He went lighter and harder with various implements in a pleasing sine curve of sensations.  Heavy flogger, light flogger, light caning, heavy caning with the Australian school cane, the stingy cat o nine tails and the even more stingy single tail whip.   

Afterward we laid down for a long time, just relaxing. I gave him a massage.  I was feeling very lazy and sleepy and pleasant. 

Lunch was absolutely delicious:  Sambar, dosas (like a pancake, sorta), Kerala mix (crunchy-spicy) and coconut chutney and vegetable dal curry (I think it had a name but I forget).   And of course spiced tea with milk.    

All the way home and through a quick trip to the store I was floating in a cloud of pleasant feelings.   All the good brain chemicals were mine to enjoy.  And I still have some stripes to look at in the mirror.  Now it's time to have another cup of something warm and lie under a blanket.  Perhaps a nap.