Thursday, March 31, 2016

Shower Selfie

One of Master's coworkers got a shower selfie from a girl with whom he'd been on one date.  So they were joking around and it led to Master telling me I had to send him a shower selfie (nothing revealing because he was going to share it). 

I told him it would be me and some friends, some cute bitches.  

So here we are: 

He said they had a good laugh about it.

And this is the picture I did not send to him where other people might see it (he doesn't have a private office at work, so people are always peeking over his shoulder).

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

New Phone

I got a new phone, because I accidentally washed my old one.  This is my first smartphone- the other was an old flip phone.  I had to call Master from the store to make sure it was all right, as he hadn't let me upgrade before.

 It came with all these accessories, and now I feel like such an old person. Get it away from me! Ack, ack, technology!

The guy at the store said "I know it's going to be scary having the new phone, but you'll love it after you get used to it."  

I told him, all full of confidence, "Oh, it's not scary for me!"  But then when I got it home and tried to use it alone it was scary.   

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Master of Bad Jokes

Last night the four of us were reclining in a post- beatings stage of lassitude, when he (Dom) made a comment about me liking to be beaten naked. 

Master replied "Yes, she is a wanton woman.  Or maybe a crab Rangoon."

  Oooh those thighs hurt.  Not as much as the front though.  The little speckles were from a wire grill brush. They brought out a little blood.

Today was just about the perfect day, along with last night.

Mystique came over and the three of us went for a long walk in the woods.  I ended up hugging a mossy rock and getting half naked (again!) and also a new handprint.  The picture may be too small to see that.  

An excellent soft mossy rock

Then later on, after Myst went home, Master fucked me in all my three holes very thoroughly, after humiliating me by making me pee out in the yard while he watched.  I am one lucky slave. 

Front of Thigh Caning

We had a dinner date last night with some friends and somehow I ended up with this. 

Don't worry, the backs were done too.  And the insides, and butt, and my cunt.  Good times.

Monday, March 28, 2016

In lieu of a post today, we bring you this:

I didn't write this.  I lifted it, given blanket permission, as below:

 There is no compromise to the below rules, if you want to do things properly you should follow everything I've outlined here.

If you missed that. This is the definitive guide for how to be a proper Slave.

You may re-post this as long as original credit is given in the following format: "These rules were originally posted by the Magnificient Fantastic Amazing T. They are a creation of his perfect understanding of everything and are the sole property of his deranged mind"

Editing is purely prohibited. Wherever you see the initial M insert Master/Mistress as desired.

(I slightly edited this)-ak (However, I left his misspelling of Magnificent alone.)

The rules:
1. All socks should be tripled, not paired.
2. Sheets must be folded exactly 33 times and resemble a paper airplane.
3. Mimes are only to be mentioned on Thursdays after 2pm.
4. If mimes are mentioned do not attempt to dislodge M from their death grip on the ceiling
5. Bubble wrap is meant to be popped, don't let it go to waste
6. The sky is not blue, it's purple, and sometimes green
7. M doesn't wear outfits, they wear clothes
8. Any shoes that overflow the shoe rack will be eaten by the spaghetti monster's evil twin unless they are kept well hidden
9. M is never wrong.
10. M isn't always right either, make sure they know when those times are
11. M accepts the compliments: handsome, awesome, strong, powerful ... hell anything other than cute and adorable work
12. When in doubt laugh, M was probably being funny
14. M is superstitious, and now so are you
15. If you have a collar it's important, if you take it off M will have to grip your neck instead.
15a. That's actually kind of hot, so in some circumstances taking it off is fine

16. If you don't have a collar, you must have lost it somewhere - so find the damn thing, they're expensive
17. If you don't have earplugs get some, you'll need them to block out the snoring
18. Don't stick anything in M's mouth while he's yawning
19. M doesn't make mistakes, they are doing things the long way
20. Sitting and staring at M is cute, and distracting - use it effectively to get attention when he's busy
21. A good M is hard to find, a hard M is good to find
22. If you come to M with a problem they are going to try and fix it, be prepared
23. Comments made 6 months ago are no long admissible in an argument - all comments expire after 7 days unless prior written permission is obtained
24. 42
25. Always have a towel
26. If you don't understand rule 25 look it up
36. Any missing numbers aren't missing, they no longer exist and/or M got tired of writing them out
37. M will put the seat down for you if you put it up for them
38. Make sure the pets are all fed before bed or they keep M awake all night
39. M uses a grunt the way many people use the word "Fuck" it can be used at any time and mean anything
58. It's never the wrong time for a blowjob
59. If you're running around naked, M is probably going to ravish you, use that to your advantage
60. Any time you want to say "But it's too big!" is fine with M
65. When M is watching sports they usually aren't paying attention to you, this is a good time to ask him questions and have them agree to random things you've been wanting
66. If something M said can be good or bad, they meant it the good way
67. M isn't always thinking relevant deep thoughts, make sure you really want to know if you ask
68. Attacking M's belly button is not an acceptable form of self defense
81. Everything with text on it must be organized in reverse alphabetical order
82. Only 1 candle may be burned at any given time
83. The torch of M must never be allowed to go out, don't blow on it
83a. THAT is not the torch of M and may be blown thoroughly and frequently

84. Don't reorganize M's things without warning them
85. Don't giggle when M can't find things, help them look
100. if you ever see an opportunity to rent a tank, take it. M will thank you later
101. M thinks you're sexy on your knees, so don't be shy about it
102. M thinks you're sexy in high heels
103. M just thinks you're sexy in general
104. Yes, M is always thinking about sex, you don't have to ask
120. All speech on Tuesdays must be in Iambic Pentameter
121. All speech on Fridays must involve sexual innuendo
122. The C-man didn't need directions. If M needs directions they will be demanded
123. Pumpkin is a fruit, not a color.
124. Clothing is always optional
125. When you say the word "fine" you are actually begging M to spank you
126. Having a shower is always at least a two person activity
127. Repeat rules 35, 52, 86 and 101. If you can't, read the list again.
128. These rules are subject to change without notice.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Haven't Quite Been Myself

I haven't really been feeling like myself for a few days.  Physically, I'm fine, but emotionally, meh, not so great.

It started Friday night when Master used me.  I was feeling lost and confused by some of his actions.  It shouldn't have been a big deal, when I look objectively, but for some reason I just felt a bit broken by the whole thing.  It continued the next day.  I stayed off to myself and he did his game.  We went for a walk, but he wasn't feeling well so my promised reward of fucking in the woods didn't happen.  
S' ok, shit happens, you know?

At night we did the Easter eggs together, and talked a little.  I said I was considering going on strike.  He said he didn't think that would make me happy. 

I was feeling better when we were able to cuddle in bed.

Then this morning one of the kids threw a huge fit over nothing and I decided I needed some space or I was going to seriously lose it.  Feeding the sheep and walking the pastures was a good start, but not good enough.

I tried to sneak out with the car but Master followed me and asked where I was going. 

Shrug. Don't know.

Are you ok?


He told me to be back in an hour.

I started driving, making random turns.  I ended up in this park: 

Grey and chilly, like my mood

After a good hike with my dog, I felt better.  I went home.  It was exactly an hour.

A little later on the kids went out and Master ordered me upstairs.  I didn't even think of refusing.  I guess I'm not going on strike after all.  He tied me and beat me, then fucked me doggy style on the floor with a belt around my neck.  A little bit of torture for my poor sore breasts and some more orgasms and my attitude was thoroughly better.  It's amazing how that happens. 

Anyway, that's my Easter Sunday.  

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Naked in the Woods

Wednesday morning started with Master coming home and going straight to sleep.  He let me cuddle with him in bed (naked of course) for a few minutes before sending me out. 

When he got up he spent much of the day teasing me, giving me little touches, or harder touches, which kept me on a high arousal level the whole time.   

Eventually he took me upstairs and had me strip and suck him.  He beat me with the misery stick then laid me on my back and put the lighter between my legs.  Click. Click. Click.  He fucked me briefly, just enough to get me really excited.  Then he stopped.  It was time for our walk.  

A big snow storm was predicted to arrive any minute.  It was cold and windy, but no snow yet, so this was our last chance to walk for a while. 
In the park down the road from us, we walked way back into the woods. I'm not even sure we were in the park still, as that part wasn't sign posted.  There are huge granite rocks and huge old oak trees scattered through the more scrubby brush areas and among the pine plantations.  He scouted out many locations for future debauchery when it gets a bit warmer (then we have to deal with ticks, but so it goes).  

He found this spot:

He had me strip and pose for a few shots, but I was freezing so he let me get dressed again pretty quickly.  He hit me a few times playfully with a branch, and then we continued our walk.  

And then I had to wait again.  For hours.

Later that night I finally enticed him upstairs and begged him to fuck me, which he did, plus he made me all sore in all my bits: breasts, cunt, thighs- they all remind me of him now.  I had several of those "OH FUCK" crazy strong orgasms. 

Then the blizzard finally started. Well, I don't know if I'd really call it a blizzard, but we did get at least 6 inches over night. 

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Used Little Fuckhole

My Master is working an emergency medicine night shift tonight, which meant he got half of today and all tomorrow off.  I think this will be a weekly thing for a while? Maybe?

He had a nap, and then a few minutes before he was going to leave he told me to lock the bedroom door and get on my knees.  I sucked him, then on his orders stripped and got on all fours.  He fucked me and came.  I feel like his very useful and used little fuckhole.  This gives me a happy.

A TMI Tuesday Blog

1. If you died tomorrow, to whom would you leave all your worldly possessions?

Everything would go to my Master, of course.  (Even the sheep and the dogs and the cat-hahahaha! Ok, I shouldn't laugh).

2. What did you like to play as a child?

I was animal obsessed then too.  I had all the Breyer model horses I could acquire, all the little glass or rubber or plastic dogs I could find, a few Star Wars action figures and many stuffed animals.  My friends and I invented many elaborate games using this world of animals.  Luke Skywalker was the owner of all the animals, and the good guy.  Bob and Bud (stunt motorbike riders) were the bad guys and they were always trying to steal animals and kidnap Luke.  When I got the new (Return of the Jedi) Luke, the old Star Wars Luke became a bad guy and was roasted over a campfire.  Yeah, we melted him.

3. Have you ever gone on a rampant sex spree while depressed?

I have never been depressed.

4. Do you mind if your partner wants to have porn videos playing while the two of you are having sex?

I don't get a choice in minding.  He does like them sometimes. I'll just say I'm very used to it.  Occasionally he lets me watch too, but not usually.  It is part of being objectified, a nice wet hole for him.

5. What is the sexiest thing you did last week?

See the "Party Night" blog for a full description.  It was awesome.  Or last Tuesday, Whip Marks, which is still part of last week technically.  It is a toss up between those two.

Bonus: You have to give your lover a report card about your last sexual encounter.
– What would they score? A B C D F?
– What could he/she improve upon?
– For what would your lover be reprimanded for doing during sex?

It was last night, and it was wonderful.  Of course he gets an A.

I can't ever reprimand him.   However, if I could do that, it would be for starting up conversations about random non-sexy topics in bed.  Hey!  I'm trying to sex here! 

For the TMI Tuesday blog:

Monday, March 21, 2016

Party Night

Before we left home, Master fucked me but didn't let me come.  He teased me on and off all the way there, so I was really desperate. 

It had been a long time (last fall) since we went to a play party.  I was nervous about us not knowing anyone there except for the hostess, but a few days before the party a woman that we'd met at the last one like this messaged me and said she'd be there, so that was a reassurance.  Master had introduced her to floggers and rope like 2 years ago and she was still all excited about that!

On the way there, we stopped at a meeting of the MAsT group that is re-forming. It was pretty lucky that they wrote to me just that day to let me know about it, and also that it was right on our way to the party (a two hour drive!).  It's a very small group, but hopefully it will be fun for us.  We talked about doing a dinner together where the slaves would serve in various ways.  

We arrived at the party early, and spent a few hours socializing and snacking before Master said it was time to head to the dungeon in the basement.  We were the only ones there at first, but people trickled down until we had a large audience.  Still, we were the only ones playing.  I guess it is a good thing I don't mind an audience.  

Master told me to get the cuffs on and undress.  I could not find one of the wrist cuffs in our bag.  I searched and searched, but it was dim in there and everything in the bag is black.  We ended up having to make do with one regular cuff and then the leather strap I was already wearing.  It was lacking a D-ring, but the chain could still go through it and wrap around.   (The missing cuff was buried in the bag, when it should have been in the side pocket, but I didn't find it until the next day).   He also had me get some rope out so he could tie a harness on me. 

Master chained me up to the cross on the wall, and gave me a painful flogging.  He let my have my first orgasm during the flogging-- after so much waiting and teasing it was a good one.  

 He turned me around, put the clover clamps on me and flogged my front- belly and thighs, between my legs.  I was really paranoid about having the chain between the clamps snagged by the flogger!  After a few minutes he put the chain in my mouth so it was tugging tight but a little more out of his way.  He never snagged it!

He took the clamps off, turned me back facing the wall and went even harder with the flogger.  I might have yelped a few times.

 Then he took me down and put me on the massage table.  I sucked his cock with my head over the edge as he whacked me with the misery stick.  Master pulled me on to the floor and fucked me quickly.  Back up to the table for more misery stick.  It was really, really hurting.  He paused to see if I was ok. I was, but it was hurting pretty bad for some reason.   That was about when people started to come downstairs.  I heard from them later that we'd already been down there 40 minutes when they came in.  The really intense part was soon about to start.  

There was the leather paddle, and my favorite, the tire tread paddle.  Master went harder and harder and I began to fall into subspace.  I was also desperately wanting more orgasms.  He just kept telling me to wait.  Then he went back to the misery stick, and the wavy long paddle, and who knows what else.  I just remember his voice counting down from a hundred, pausing at the half way point to tell me I was doing well, that we were halfway there, that my orgasm was building from my toes to my nose... and then him starting back up at a higher number... over and over again we reached the half way point.  He mindfucked me until I didn't know up from down, or anything at all, but was just desperately hoping for sexual release.  Finally, the audience gave my cue (I don't know when or how he told them- I missed that bit) and I had a huge orgasm.  

There was more beating after than, for how long I have no idea.  When he helped me off the table I could barely walk.  I was flying high.  He gave me a blanket and set me in a chair in the other room while he cleaned up everything.  Then we had a long snuggle time while I came down.  Eventually I stopped shivering.

We went back upstairs, but shortly were back down again with our friend and her Dom (from the top of this blog).  Master tied us two together and we made out as we were flogged by both the men.  It was really hot.  Way more hot than painful, and both of us came several times.  

That scene was certainly a happy surprise to all of us!

Saturday, March 19, 2016


That little speck is one of my dogs.   The woods are beautiful this early spring, and there is no snow for a change.  

Last night Master used me again, soreness and all.  It was delightful. And painful.  

Tonight we are going out to a party!  I'm nervous (about not knowing very many people there) but excited about playing.   I need to make a cake.   

Kink of the Week: Kidnapping/Captive

Most of my fantasies involve being captive.  It is a necessary part.  Captive. Taken by pirates. In a cell. Tied up. Enslaved.  All these are great fantasy beginnings, not to mention great in reality. 

I would love to try a scene sometime where I'm captured and "forced" to do things by masked men/women.   I wasn't so sure about this sort of thing last year, but this year, I'm thinking I could handle it and it would be really hot.  In part, this has to do with how well both the gang bang and the Hunger Games went at camp.  And part of it is just me getting used to the idea. My Master suggested it several times, but wasn't going to force it on me if I didn't feel ready.

However, to have such a scene you need a good team who wants to do it, and I don't have one of those, so for now it will just be fantasy...


Friday, March 18, 2016

Tied and Helpless

Last night Master came home so horny he could barely keep his hands off me.  Sneaking into the kitchen to grab me where no one could see...

Finally at bed time he had me rub his feet, and suck his cock, before caning me and then sending me to bed.  He took the leather strap from my wrist (I'm still wearing it) and changed it into the cuffs that it so handily provides.  Then he took our old leather strap and tied my ankles together. Pulling my feet up to his shoulder, he took me like that.  He slapped me and told me he was taking me whether I wanted or no.  He told me to say no to him.  I did that, and then he slapped me harder and told me "Take it, bitch.  Cunt. You have no choice."   (not that I want a choice, shhhhhh, don't tell).

He ground the vibrator into my cunt and made me come over and over.  I was getting really sore, but I just kept coming and grinding into it.  It's still sore today, but in that really pleasant way that turns me on all over again.  

He pulled out the nipple clamps, attached them and held the chain up.  When he removed them he let me come.

He took off the restraints, then had me ride on top, fucking him, and he put the clamps back on.  He wanted me to really bounce, which hurt with the clamps bouncing around, tugging my poor nipples.  He wanted me to make him come that way, and I did.

Then he rolled me over and gave me a thorough spanking with the cane, the paddle, then cane again, and then the far more painful misery stick.  And after that, more caning, which felt positively peaceful compared to the aptly named misery stick.

My nipples are still quite sore, as I found out when he was pinching them today, and of course the poor cunt, abused by vibrator-enjoyment.  :)


Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Tuesday, March 15, 2016


With all the writings and groups that discuss the subjects of polyamory, polyfuckery, jealousy, and cuckqueaning out there I don't feel like I fit in anywhere with my feelings.  Which is ok.  I'm working on being better at letting myself accept my own feelings without thinking they have to be the mirror of anyone else.   The problem comes when I try to express them, I have no mirror to help me, and I worry that it will come out sounding all wrong or really messed up.   Because of that, I have really avoided the topic of how Master deals with this issue. I also haven't found any group where I really fit in to discuss this, and I'm naturally a joiner, not a loner.

So, just to start out with this:  my feelings are complicated, but they are not really messed up in the sense of torturing or upsetting me.  This piece of writing is intended to be an exploration of my feelings.

A discussion with my Master recently (while we were in the woods that one day) provided me with some much appreciated clarity on his motives and what he's been doing to me, which in turn provided me with relief that my own feelings were not confused for no purpose.  He has a definite purpose, and hearing it made me get the butterflies in the tummy and a dampness in the panties.

It comes down to one simple word:  power.

Having it gives him a hard-on.
Not having it, and especially having him rub in my face that I don't have it, gives me the lady equivalent. 

So many times when you read about poly, it is all about fairness.  How the s-type will feel horrible things if they aren't allowed the same freedom in relationships outside the M/s relationship if they aren't allowed some sort of equality there.   I don't feel that way.  Others might, but I don't.   Don't want it, don't need it.  He can tell me to fuck others or not (which is a total kick for him, btw), but I have no desire to go out on my own. 

On the opposite side, when the writing from a cuckquean point of view, it is always about how much they desire to see their Master off with someone else, how much they want to feel the pain of being rejected/humiliated, how they hope for it, long for it.  I have toyed around with those feelings, but I feel like a reluctant masochist at best there.  Very reluctant.  

I love the fact that he can do what ever he wants without consulting me, and he can rub it in my face.  He can talk about others, and make comparisons and I hate that part, hate being compared in any way, but at the same time I love my powerlessness in that situation.  I just have to take what he's dishing out in terms of emotional sadism. I have to feel those feelings. Maybe sometimes it is hot (ok, it is always hot, but for different reasons) but other times it makes me sad.  But either way, I have absolutely no say.  And THAT is what turns me on.   He knows all this, and in fact he explained it to me.  He explained my feelings better than I could myself.  

I asked him if he'd always longed to have this power over me.  He said yes, but he'd always tried to squash it down before I asked him to take me over, to be my Dom.  Just as I'd tried to get rid of my submissive feelings!  It seems silly now, but after all it is how we were brought up.

From his end, when he sees me not showing any overt jealousy, being positive and encouraging, he knows it is still there under the surface.   And the slightly twisted thing is, it turns him on to know that I'm submitting myself in that way- that I'm not saying anything, or that I'm encouraging him to do whatever he wants out of a pure submissive impulse.   He pokes at my feelings just slightly, whenever they seem too blase, because he wants to know that they are still there.  And he reads the truth in my face.  I will never be unfeeling or purely altruistic. Yes, I have felt compersion a lot, but I also even more strongly have that emotional masochism that says "Yes, debase me in every way possible!"  Even though I try to deny it.

It is a complicated dance of emotional sadism/masochism.   His explanations really helped me know my part in all of this a little more clearly.

I'm going to differentiate here between times I feel jealousy (perhaps envy is a better word?) and the times we have had group scenes or swapping or group sex.  None of those cause me jealousy/envy because I am right in there having ALL THE FUNS! with him.   It is the times when he tells me he's going to go off and do things with someone else without me that I have a hard time with my feelings.  

It doesn't matter if that "thing" is lunch or sex.  I still have a hard time with it either way.  I told you I'm not altruistic.  And I'm just going to say that the times he talks about doing those things without me outnumber the times that he actually does them, by like 100 to 1.  

I find it fascinating that my number one all time popular blog post continues to be Cuckquean Fantasy
so a lot of people must be searching for that sort of thing.   I wrote it back a little over two years ago and since then I have searching myself for a better understanding of what is going on inside my murky innards.  
I feel like I have a much better grasp on those feelings now and their relationship to power, and also more comfort in knowing more about Master's desires and objectives.  My feelings are distinctly less mixed up.  


Monday, March 14, 2016

It's not even the first of May!

This week I walked and /or jogged 15 miles, mostly walked.  The weather has been beautiful here, way warmer than a normal early March.   Master's foot, which has been sore all winter, is finally feeling better, so this weekend he walked with me. 

Sunday he led me off into the woods, and after we'd climbed a big hill he started looking for a good stick.  I obligingly pulled down my jeans and undies, but winced when I saw the one he had found.  It wasn't the slightest bit smooth, having all kinds of sharp points twigs sticking off of it. And it hurt like that too.   He didn't use it on me for long, maybe ten or twelve times, before continuing our walk.  

We went another 1/4 mile or so back into the woods.  He found a good tree to lean up on and made the familiar gesture.  I got on my knees.  A few minutes later he had me bent over in a three point stance and was fucking me hard.  It felt so good!

One of my favorite spring songs:  First of May.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Master's Answers

For Fiona's Questions:  

 My question for your Master is can you see a time that you go back to being vanilla-ish? What would you say to your kids if they asked you (when they are older) about your kinkiness?

Would I ever give up being kinky?
No. This is one of those strange questions to me. Why would we give it up? Even if circumstances changed dramatically, we would still find ways. Just as we don't give up being married when one of us is away or our kids are sick.

What would I tell my kids if they asked me about it? That we do it because we both enjoy it, and that we love each other very much.

DM, Master of ksst

Saturday: Rafters/ Butt Plug Reprise

The kids being gone, Master had a plan for me.  It was to be similar to the Tuesday before his trip, but this time with pictures and video.  I don't know if you all remember, but that was the butt plug/rafters scene.   He wanted to do it again. 

 We only had a short time to play with, so the first thing he said to me when I got back was "Go get your butt plug in".   He tied my arms to the foot of the bed and pulled me back until I was bent over uncomfortably and he tied the butt plug string to the rafters with another rope.   He made a humorous video of me in this predicament, telling me to try to "Exert yourself, try to escape, this is a Peter Rabbit situation" and such things.  I wiggled slightly but was pretty well trapped there.  It was uncomfortable to pull on the plug so I didn't want to struggle too much.   He beat my ass with the cane, while he made another video as he sang "Top of the World" in time with the smacks.  He did more smacks on my arms, another short video of that, including me orgasming.  Watching these of myself is a bit trippy.  "Oh, I look like that.  Well. Ok."

After putting the camera away he used his belt and then the single tail on me, a sharp, bright pain.  I still have a few marks from that one.   

He took me down and fucked me, still with the butt plug in, and then it was time to go already.  Just a quickie, but oh so satisfying ;).  The whole thing was slightly over an hour.   

Noise Questions

Fiona asks:

You have beatings and kids in your house. How do you handle the noise that it makes (hands/belts/canes, etc. hitting flesh)? and...are you, or have you ever been vocal during sex?

 Mostly we play when they are asleep or out of the house.  Master checks on them to make sure they are sleeping before he does anything noisy.  Our room is down the hall, well separated from the other rooms, so we don't share a wall.  
 Yesterday, for example, they were both out (one at a birthday party and the older one is still on a school trip to Washington DC until Monday).   
There are also things we do which are much quieter than the belt or whip, like nipple clamps, pressure points, punching etc.

  I can be quiet during all of that, and during sex, if I have to be.  I have sometimes had to bite my arm or the pillow.  It is such nice thing when I can let go and make all the noises I want because that doesn't happen as often.  Even then, I don't think I'm normally very loud with my noises.  

Saturday, March 12, 2016


Beating for me :)

Master followed me into our room last night and, not waiting for me to get ready, gestured for my clothes to come off.   He quickly knocked me to the ground by buckling my legs.  I was holding on to him at the last second to prevent falling hard, so it ended up a combination of being knocked and lowered.    I'd already given him a blow job and he'd come in my mouth, but he wanted me again.

  He spread my legs and used the lighter to frighten me and burn some of my hair.  I could feel the heat but he didn't burn my skin. I could smell the burnt hair, though.  It's always scary.  He fucked me with his fingers and made me come.

He then pinned my hands above my head and fucked me, just for a minute, before telling me to stand up for my flogging.  The floggers felt really good at first, but quickly he was swinging harder so it hurt pretty bad, and I was yipping and dancing forward.  He grabbed my hair, shook me lightly and commanded "Stand there and take it, slut."  
 Ohhh!  Puddle girl makes a puddle.  :)

I stood still like my feet were rooted after that. 

He switched to his belt and gave me a good sound beating with that.  For the last part I was on my knees in front of him, sucking, and I could see his arm raising and the belt coming down fast and hard from out of the corner of my eye.   My head was all into warm fuzzy space land when he kissed me and shoved me toward the bed.  

I tucked under the covers smiling happily, thinking we were all done, but he wasn't!  He pulled the covers back and asked what I was doing, shouldn't I be grabbing a towel or did I want to sleep in a puddle?
There was still the fucking and the many orgasms, along with the boob slapping and nipple tortures to go before time for sleep.  

Such a good night!  Thank you, Master! 

Questions From Fiona

My question for you is can you imagine ever going back to being vanilla? How have your D/s choices effected your parenting?

I only imagine going back to completely vanilla with the utmost horror.  I'd do just about anything rather than that.  This style just suits me so much better; I know I would miss it desperately.  

As far as parenting, I don't think it has been affected, at least not in any way that I can see.  Perhaps the kids get more video games because dad is in charge and not mom.  We have a similar feeling on almost all parenting decisions, and a similar style.  Master listens to me a lot with regard to when the kids are having troubles and any solutions I come up with are generally at least tried. I'm greedy. What's your current favorite toys?

His belt! I received a hard belt whipping last night and it sent me into fuzzy-fluffy head land.  I'm going to write more about that today. 
Not greedy, I really love the questions!  

Friday, March 11, 2016

Questions From An Annonymous Reader

They asked:
 I was wondering if your play ever consists of piss play or ass to mouth etc....specifically things that risk infection, and with his background as a vet, if he takes any certain precautions with these. Or maybe that's just not his style of kink? Also you mentioned a daily ritual and I wondered if you could share an example of that. Also what is the one thing you wish you could change or find difficult. Are you both animal lovers and are the animals you currently have pets or farm type on animals?

Yes, we do piss play quite often, generally with him marking me in the shower.  Back when the weather was good sometimes he would take me out and make me go in the yard.   Urine is fairly safe as far as things to get in your mouth go.
Ass to mouth is not one of his favorites to demand, but he has had me do it a couple times- to prove a point, possibly, or enforce our respective statuses.  Not that it was a punishment, they were just "You'll do this now" moments.  But it isn't a regular thing here.   I have no yea or nay feelings on that.  I just did it without thinking about it.

I guess he feels, like I do, that all of us are getting a little bacteria with our daily life anyway, and that's what we have immune systems for. 

One of our daily rituals is that I kneel on the floor after he has sent me to the bedroom, and I wait for him to get there.  Then he lets me get in bed, if he's not going to beat me, and snaps the leash on my collar.  He asks if I have done all my tasks for the day.  If there is anything we need to talk about that is a good time to do it.  There used to be a more formal question/answer session at that time, but it has been abbreviated with time since we both know what sorts of things I should bring up. 

One thing I wish to change or find difficult?  This is the hardest question.  I guess most difficult for me is "topping".  Every now and then he wants me to be in sort of a take charge mind set during sex and tie him up to pleasure him.  I find this very difficult, and though I can sometimes get in that mindset and make it fun, sometimes I just can't get the right mood, especially when it is sprung on me suddenly without warning.  I still comply, but it is reluctantly done, which obviously takes away from his enjoyment.  

Animals!  I have been an animal lover forever, and he obviously loves them too.  He has a tank of fish, cichlids, and those are his pets. He does all the care for the fish.   Also, he has Pepper, who is his #2 bitch.  We have 7 dogs (all Australian Shepherds) in total right now.  We also have the sheep, of course, and a cat who lives with them and thinks he's a sheep.  I take care of the dogs, sheep and cat, except for medical stuff.  We used to have chickens and ducks, but haven't had any for the last few years. 

Thank you, those were great questions!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Wait, no.... and Yes! Again

Master's plane was right on time.  I'd bought a new skirt, and to meet him I  wore that with boots and a red silk button down top.  Nothing underneath.   I wore a jacket just in case I had to get out of the car for some reason because my top left NOTHING to the imagination.  And I brought my towel, as he had instructed.

He drove on the way home and had me read out loud a letter he'd written to me, which started with conference stuff, meandered through politics and then got into sex fantasy territory.   I had written a fantasy story for him too, but I'd sent it on the computer.  Having a paper letter is really special these days, and I have tucked it away in my dresser now.

The drive from the airport to our house is all back roads.  Very shortly my skirt was hiked up above my waist and my top buttons were undone.  When we passed a house with a stop sign, he'd say "Look demure now" and I'd pull my jacket shut.

When we got in the garage he shoved me up against the wall by neck and kissed me.  He undid his pants and I knelt in front of him.  That was a cock that really missed me!  He turned me around and as I gripped the rough, splintery boards of the garage interior he took me right there, bent over, just a quick in and out.

Later that night, he fucked me for the third time of the evening, the second one having been just a few stolen moments in our room after dinner.   

He put the nipple clamps on me, and used the paddle a bit.  As soon as he came he was fast asleep.  I was happily used, happy to have pleased my Master.  And then minutes later I realized that rather than being sated, my desire had only peaked.   I snuggled up to him in THAT way, you know, the one that says "More please Sir?" and he woke long enough to tell me to wait until morning.  

Well, I couldn't sleep.  My brain started doing horrible things to me, tormenting me with unhappy thoughts (this is the "wait, no!" part) and I tried many things to quiet it.  Finally I took my fingernails and raked them over my inner thigh.  That felt good.  Painful. Good.  I knew I was breaking a rule.  Didn't care. I did it again, and it calmed my brain demons enough that I could sleep.  I had bad dreams about having to tell my Master that I broke his rule.  I woke up early and lay quietly so as not to wake him.  I still had more brain demons going on, so I quieted them by repeating my mantra dozens or hundreds of times silently in my head "I am here for his pleasure and his desires, not my own" until I fell back asleep.  

When his alarm went off, he was getting ready to fuck me again, and I told him everything.  He said we would talk later, but for now he meant to have my cunt again.  I had half a dozen, at least, hard orgasms as he humiliated me painfully and used the vibrator on me, and by the time he came, much later, I felt sated.   Content. Except for the fact that I'm a crappy slave who can't follow a simple rule when upset about meaningless, imaginary things in the night.  Except for that, I'm all good.  Anyway, tomorrow is another day.  I'm going all Scarlett O'Hara on this day because I'm just so happy he's home. 

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Keeping Busy

Today: fed sheep, cleaned up poop in the yard (which is blooming with the melting snow), cleaned the bathrooms, washed all the sheets, ran one mile and walked two miles. 

Now I'm going to clean out both the cars.  

Six hours.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Master Has Been Gone

He's been gone since Saturday, down in Las Vegas having a grand time, I mean learning lots and lots of stuff because it is a conference.  Having some fun too, I imagine.

I have been pretty good here on my own so far.  I've kept very busy. Saturday was our munch, and then I went out to dinner with everyone.  It was a small group, and the topic was restraints that aren't rope.  We've done lots of rope demos, but this was the first one on everything else:  manacles, shackles, cuffs, zip ties, chain, handcuffs, anything else you can use to restrain a person.

During the meeting, Mystique gave me this:

 I have been wearing it most of the time since then.  It feels good. It also comes apart and flips around to act as a quick double hand restraint system.  If needed, you know. 

Sunday and Monday I kept busy.  The weather was great and I had tons of work and errands to finish. I also started jogging/walking outside again.  I have sore legs and a blister to show for that.

  Today, I'm slightly freaking out about him not being here.  I should do some things, but instead I just fret.  

Monday, March 7, 2016

TMI Tuesday: Sexual Confessions

1) Have you ever devoted an entire day to sex and sexual activity (with breaks for eating, etc)? Was it planned or spontaneous? Any kinky fun?

Yes!  Sometimes whole weekends, too.  If we go to an event, I count that, because we don't go just to watch, and there is lots of kinky fun going on the whole time.  

 There was one day when it was just sex, back when we were much younger, and I still have fond memories of that day.  It wasn't really planned, but after the first few times, we decided to go for a record.  By the end of the day we'd had sex eight times.  And that meant 8 orgasms for him, not just sticking it in and pulling it out.   So that's our record.   We were both sore by the end of that marathon!

2. Have you had sex simultaneously with two or more people in a private residence? Did you know them well or was it a setup casual encounter?

Yes, I have.   Did I know them well?  That's a question I don't know how to answer.  Kinda, sorta, maybe, some of them but others not so well?  We weren't "dating", so it was casual that way.  But it wasn't a just have sex and then never see them again thing either (well, I've done that too, but not in a private residence).  
 If  you have been reading for a while I've written about it here.

3. Have you gone out in public wearing an anal plug or vibrator device?

No, I never have.  Surprised?  I am too I guess.  I've gone out in public wearing a leash, wearing rope, but never any insertables.

4. Have you ever fantasized about or practiced orgasm control/denial

Yes, we do that.  I never fantasized about it, but we like it.   It is much more about his control than denial.  Neither of us are at all into denial, so if he denies me it is generally only for a short time.  I think the most was three days.

5. Do you like being called dirty names during sex? What names get you off the best?

Oh heck yeah.  That is really good for me.  I like being called degrading names. My Master does it all the time.  My absolute hottest one is during sex he'll sometimes tell me that I'm nothing but a used tissue for him to masturbate into.  A dirty, nasty tissue.  It is gross, yes, but it hits my buttons in a big way.  The more typical ones: whore, slut, hole etc.   I really like being his hole. 

Bonus:  I have no bonus.  I confess nothing!

TMI Tuesday blog

Mouse's Question

When did you realize you were a masochist? Do you ever find it confusing? 

I first admitted it out loud in the summer of 2011, right when I realized it myself.  I find it constantly confusing.  It is always a battle of want vs. don't want in my head.  I just accept that it is that way, and not just for me, but for a lot of other people too.   It may always be confusing in that way for me, but I'm ok with that.  

My Master's answer to me saying "Hey, I think I'm a masochist"?

"No shit." Considering he'd been whacking me with crops and things I'd been totally getting off on it for at least a month at the time.   

One of the big questions for me is "Why now?" How could I go through 20 years of adult life and not know that I was a masochist?  Or did I suddenly become one when I wasn't before?  It is a mystery that may never be solved.   

Sunday, March 6, 2016

How to be a Dom

This post was suggested by my Master, as the second part of his answer to the question on how to be a Dom or Master, and did he ever have doubts about what he was doing. 

"Just wing that mother", he says.

And it has to come with a cartoon, per instructions!  

Thank you, Berkley Breathed!  And hey, no one tell him about this because I didn't ask to use his cartoon. 

Abby's Question, Follow up Questions

I know there are other questions ahead of this, and I haven't forgotten them, but I feel like I should do the follow up right away.

Kaya asked:  

I feel like this needs more detail. Like, how did that conversation go? How has it matched up to your previous slave fantasies? Had he already been checking out bdsm porn, too, or how did he know what he wanted or what you wanted? Has there been a learning curve? Did you jump in the deep end, full on non-con, 24/7 or did you start slower, lighter? What parts have been better, and worse, than your fantasies?

I didn't write any of this down at the time, so I don't remember details about what I said or what he said, but I will try to get the general flavors of what happened.

 I asked if I could be submissive to him in the bedroom, which to me meant bondage and spanking (hand spanking).  He said he'd love that. It was very far from full on power exchange, at least in our minds at first.  It was being kinky in the bedroom.  But also, in my mind, being submissive meant not saying no.  So I didn't.  And he wanted A LOT of sex at first, basically because I had always been the sexual gatekeeper.  I felt I had to, because the guy just couldn't get enough!  For the first few weeks I was very sore from over use, but I still didn't say no, and he got a lot of blow jobs too.  This convinced him that I was serious about being submissive.  And then we had anal, which I had NEVER done and he'd always wanted.

  He was not serious about "I must have all the power!" in the beginning.  To him it was just a lark.  Which is honestly where all my fears of "What if he doesn't want to keep doing this forever?" came from, because once we started and I felt those submissive feelings, it became something I really needed.  I felt going back to the way we were would utterly destroy me.  Like being given a taste of paradise and then cast out.  Luckily for me, he has become as serious as me about the whole thing.   I don't really worry much now, except when I read about someone else's power exchange falling apart and then I get all "Oh noes!" again.  Though I try not to.

  He didn't and still doesn't watch BDSM porn.  He likes Scooby Doo parody porn, and Casting Couch (I admit I love Casting Couch too, that guy is just evil) and he likes blow job videos.   He's gotten most of his ideas for new play from watching other people in person, or from you and Scott with your pictures and stories! 

In the rest of our relationship, he already did control the financial aspects.  I had some input, but that was basically how we worked at that time. There wasn't a lot for me to give over to him there.   There are a lot of other aspects to our relationship, and the control in these crept in much more gradually.

I wrote about some of the pivotal incidents we had in Beginning of the Beginning, the first blog entry here.  There was the thing with the dishes, and another thing with accepting a command I didn't feel like following and being happy with that just because he said so.  Those sorts of incidents and my own feelings led to it becoming a 24/7 total authority transfer.  This process took about 3-4 months.  We had many, many conversations about it, and there was way too much to even remember.  He also had me write out my fantasies in my journal, because I had a really hard time talking about them.  Writing was easier.   I still remember one conversation when I asked him if I was allowed to say no.  His answer was that I could say no all I wanted and to him it would be like the wind in the trees. 

His thoughts in the beginning:  he thought I'd get tired of it after a while,  but he was hoping I didn't.  He thought I might get resentful and grouchy with him for having to serve, and he's happy it didn't work out that way either.  It just got better and better.  

My fantasy was pretty much nothing like reality.  In it, I was a slave to this big guy (it was important in the fantasy that he was big- not fat, just big) on some sort of plantation.  I lived in a harem house with a bunch of other slaves, and we were all chained up at night.  Every day he'd come in and get me, and I'd follow him around all day and serve him, but it was never sexual.  Sometimes he would hit me with a crop for some little mistake.  The sexual part only came about when he would give me to some of his friends and they would all hold me down and gang rape me.  

So, that is basically nothing like how I live.  But the feeling of being a slave, serving, having no control, being used, those are all the same in fantasy and reality.    Everything is better in reality.  

Abby asks:  
I love His answer to your question...was it unexpected or did you have an inking?

I did not have an inkling.   I remember being utterly filled with fear that he'd say no, or tell me that's weird and freaky and I'm not doing it, or any number of negative reactions to the BDSM part.  I never doubted that he'd love being in charge of when/where/how we had sex.  He had occasionally, throughout our history, made comments to me like "We should become Baptists/Muslims/Other fundamentalists so that you have to do everything I say."   And I would laugh that off. The joke is on me, right?

The other thing I once asked him out of curiosity was "What if I had come to you and said instead that I wanted to be the dominant one and tell you what to do all the time, and what if I was the sadist?" and his answer was "No way in hell would that be happening."

Somehow we blundered into being a good fit, through luck or effort or whatever. 

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Abby's Question

Which came first...the M/s or a vanilla relationship....did you always know you wanted to be in a M/s life style?

No, I didn't always know about this.  I was quite vanilla for many years, and really didn't know anything about D/s or M/s and I was completely lacking in the curiosity to find out about anything related to it.  I had a few fantasies, which cast me in the role of slave, but those were fantasy, not something one could actually DO.

  Or so I thought.

We met when I was 15.  He's a couple years older.  We started dating the next year, then eventually moved in together.  We got married when I was 21, nearly 22.  We were happy, had a good relationship, not with out ups and downs, but basically good.  But we were quite vanilla, aside from a few things that Master suggested that were a bit more spicy, up to the summer of 2011 when I got online, looked up some porn, discovered this whole D/s thing and people who lived it- and I asked him if we could try it.  His response was not just yes, but "Oh hell yes!"  and we didn't really look back.   


Friday, March 4, 2016

Why Blog? How About Them Clover Clamps?

I have a group of questions for tonight:

JZ asks what made me want to blog. 

 It started with just doing some writings on Fet, some on scenes, my life, things that happened, and fantasies.  One of the people whose blogs I read, Master's piece, told me how easy it was to have an off-Fet blog, and how she didn't think Fetlife should be entirely trusted with all my content.  She helped me get started, and poof! I had a blog.  I have always written things down- in my journal, in a journal for Master- somewhere.  I have a terrible memory and I like to keep track of things, and writing helps that.  First the process of writing makes things stick, and then having it to go back for reference does too.   When we have an amazing scene, I don't want to forget it!

How much do you love those clover clamps right now? :D

I'd say I have a love/hate relationship with them.  I love it after they come off, after the initial shock wears off, and I'm all tender still.  I love that they are a ridiculously easy way for him to truly torment me.  They also really, really hurt. A lot.  I have wimpy nipples because it seems like everyone else loves them more than I do. Or maybe I'm just whinier.  I like them on my cunt more. 

If there was one societal stereotype about bdsm that you could change, what would it be?

Probably the one about us all being nuts, and perverts (of the bad sort), and it being abusive.  Is that one or three?  I'd like it if I could just say to relatives, "Hey, we're going to kinky camp," and not be worried that they'd stage an intervention. 

What is something that you wish you could do/wear/be/say but can't because of having kids in the house (I only ask because we're so recently empty nesters that its been pretty heady. :D) ?

 We have a month long taste of this every year when the kids go to see grandparents during the summer, and there are many things I love about that time.  Playing on the couch, or all over the house, for one, as loud as we want, whenever we want.  Also, having the parties at our house- just invite people over and do kinky stuff- it's great fun.  

Question from McKitten- What was that one thing??

These are exerts from a few posts I made on Fetlife, which I thought would make a good topic for discussion.  I never brought it up here, I don't know why, but anyway, here it is because McKitten had a question about what is this thing I couldn't do?  I am very hesitant to bring it up, it is kind of gruesome and still disturbing to me, but after talking to my Master, he said he said it would be fine with him if I wrote more about it. 

Here is the background:  

What happens when you discover a limit?

So, you are going along thinking you don't have limits and then BAM! something comes up and you just can't do it. You explain and beg tearfully that you just can't (for whatever reason) and he gives you another option, which you gratefully take.
Does this shake you up? What if you Master decided to allow it? Do you get kicked out of the no limit groups? (I'm sorta kidding on that one). But what does it mean for your relationship? Is there just the one exception or do you have to re-think everything? Does it make a difference that he decided to allow you to get out of it, or not? Does the fact that you were in a state of emotional breakdown at the time of refusing to do that thing (and there was no time to ease into it) make a difference or not?

 BTW, this was something that did happen, it was unrelated to kink or sex, and it took me a full week to even think "Oh, hmmm, I totally refused to do that, didn't I?"  When I did think that, it bothered me a little, but not unduly.

 At the time it happened, I didn't argue with Master, or use reasonable arguments, or have a discussion, I simply cried and 
said "I can't, I can't." And I probably would do the same again in the exact same situation. He didn't make a big deal out of it, because to him it wasn't, but it bothers in my brain a little bit with my actions not matching up to what I thought/said about myself.

What happened was one of our sheep had been fatally injured and I called Master and asked him to come home and deal with it.  But he couldn't leave in the middle of a surgery.   So he told me "Go get the sharpest knife..."
I was already on the edge of panic, but I pretty much lost it there.  I couldn't do it, I couldn't even think of doing it, and I couldn't even imagine how I would know which was our sharpest knife.  What if I picked the wrong one? What if I did more harm than good?  Panic, panic. 

Eventually he called around town and found another vet that would come out here and put the sheep down.  Even that was hard, I was crying, and because with that dangerous drug in it, the carcass couldn't be left out where wild animals (or my cat) could eat it and also be killed.  So the three of us rather small women: the vet, her helper and me had to lift this 200 lb deadweight into a wheelbarrow and haul that through deep snow to the barn.  Master and I were able to bury it several days later, even through the snow and frozen ground.  

  So, I'm not a perfect human or perfect slave.  I never thought I was. So, I couldn't do one thing. So what? I can still do/have done a lot of other things.  

I did talk to my Master after I wrote the post, and he hadn't even given that day one more thought, other than feeling bad that he wasn't there with me. There is nothing to forgive, nothing has changed, he said. He said he tried to get me to do one thing, and then seeing the state of mind I was in (panic/hysterical) he decided he would be unwise to continue pushing for that and he gave me another option. He didn't think I was able, in my frame of mind, to do what he was telling me to do. There was no option of force because we were on the phone. He couldn't leave work (in the middle of surgery).

Possibly, it is a limitation, or maybe just being a human and having human type reactions to things that are traumatic.   I'm not worried anymore, but for a few days I was unsettled.  It gave me a sense of worry about "How could he tell me to do that?" 
But I know that he could do it himself.  I've seen him.  

And then finally it gave me a sense of confidence in him, that if I can't do something one way I'm not failing him, he will simply come up with another option and we will go on just as strongly. 

Thursday, March 3, 2016

The Four Most Hated Words

The four most hated words in this slave's life are simply "You have to fast".

I've had an on and off again sore throat for months and finally this week it got bad enough that Master made me get a doctor's appointment.  It was keeping me up some nights and now and then I'd get a feeling like I was being strangled (not in a fun way) which would pass after a minute.

Yesterday he said I should fast just in case they wanted to draw fasted blood from me this morning.  

My heart sank at those words "You have to fast", but I was proud of myself, that I didn't whine or argue or try to talk him out of it, but simply accepted my no breakfasting fate.  It filled me with dread though, and I worried that it would mean no coffee too.  I am rather pitifully attached to my regular meals, and also my coffee.

Finally last night as we were tucking into bed I asked if I could have coffee in the morning and he said a little bit should be ok.  Then a minute later he told me he didn't think they would bleed me after all and I shouldn't fast.   Much relief filled my mind, I can tell you!

The doctor said all I have is a sinus infection and got me some pills, no biggie.

In other news, in two days Master is leaving for a work conference in Las Vegas.  I'm hoping he has a great time (learning new stuff, getting CE credits!) but I know I will miss him.  I asked this morning if I should leash myself up at night when he's not here and he said yes.    

Question: Doubts and Master

Misty's Question:

It would also be kinda cool if your Master would answer the same question...was he always comfortable liking and doing what he does? If no, what helped change that?

No, he wasn't/isn't always perfectly comfortable with things.  He tends to hide his doubt from me most times because he knows it sends me into a tizzy (his words).  

The things that have helped him the most are going to events, classes and workshops and learning by watching others and listening to them.  In particular he mentioned that Travis (Shaman) has had a lot of influence on his learning and becoming comfortable with all sorts of things: communication, mindfucks, types of play. 

  Master doesn't spend the time online that I do, or get into discussion groups, so for him it is much more about the demo/munch/event learning.

When I asked him, he says that when he has doubts he just muddles through and does it the best way he knows.  Also, he said that talking to me is really helpful, to find out whether what he's doing is working.

I hope I explained well enough here.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Comfortable Being a Slave?

 For March Q/A the first one comes from Misty, thank you!

I think I've read here that you weren't always completely comfortable being a slave (I get the impression this happens to everyone at some point), what are some of the things that helped you be okay with liking what you like and doing what you do? 

One of the main things that helped me get over any doubts I had was talking to other slaves online and finding out they had the same worries and struggles I did.  Or they had different and even more problematic struggles.  Or they had long ago gotten past those things and everything was peachy now.  Any of those options gave my doubts a rest.  

There have been very few times when I doubted my decision to become a slave was the right one.  I can only think of a couple instances, actually.  There were times in the beginning that I seriously doubted whether my Master would want to continue in this lifestyle.  Those were intensely frightening times for me, because I was soooo addicted by then. 

There were more times when I wondered if I was completely fucked in the head for wanting to do the sorts of play that we've done.  Because pain hurts!  But now I consider that this is just who I am. I like the things I like, normal or not, and there are enough people like me that seem just fine so I don't worry about the state of my head just because I'm a masochist.  It took me a full month of almost daily spankings, btw, to even admit that I was a masochist.  It's not something I've always been, or at least not consciously. 

On the same question for my Master, he said he'd think about it and get back to us.

. You Never Know When They Will Catch Up To You

  I just made what would have been a hilarious joke on social media, if only the one other person who would get it would have been around to...