Getting Unstuck, the podcast

 Getting Unstuck

This is for the late phoenix, who mentioned also feeling rudderless.  It was a really helpful podcast to me.  I haven't actually done the exercise mentioned, but even just thinking about there being an exercise that I COULD do has helped me feel less angsty, a bit.  Maybe someday I will do the writing and see where it goes.  

Sucks

 It sucks that all our private jokes for just the two of us are now just a private joke for me, no one to share it.  

Ugh people make me crazy.

 

Random Journal Thoughts

 I keep hearing journaling being recommended for mental health so I'm going to try to use this space for that.  I'm just used to typing now and don't feel like using a paper book for it.

I just got back from visiting my parents.  My dad has been having a hard time.  Which means my mom is also having a hard time.  He has some type of blood disease (cancer) which is rare and I keep forgetting the name of it.   He's on various medicines for that which cause him other unpleasant side effects. It's not chemo but something else.  I don't know why I can't remember these things.  I suppose I am just too afraid of something serious being wrong that he's not going to recover from.  In addition, he just found out that he has a broken foot that he's been limping around on for a month before finally getting an x ray.  Both his feet were hurting from swelling so it was overlooked by the doctor and everyone else?  It's distressing.   He's still walking around without a cast or boot because they couldn't get one off the shelf and also it's already been a month.    My mom has so much to take care of with the farm I don't know how she was doing it.   Or will continue to do it.  I know she has cut back a little bit on the number of animals just through attrition (they get old and die off and aren't replaced) but there are still something like 7 cows, 1 horse, several hundred sheep and 8 dogs.  She brought up that my Master had always told her when she gets too old for farming she could move in with us and she hoped that I still had that invitation on the table.  I regret that I merely looked startled by that and didn't immediately say of course.   Maybe I should have said something.  I was just so alarmed by the implications that this would be after my dad dies and I am not ready to face that at all.  Although I could see that could happen sooner or later.  We all die, of course.  I just don't want to think about it.  And then there is the problem of all the animals:  my mom said she could just bring them with her.  She said it might not be for another 10 years.  Ok, but in 10 year if she still has 100 sheep and calculating...5 dogs are likely... where do I put them on 10 acres?  Impossible.   The other less major issue is that my mom is hyperactive and talks ALL the time.  I dearly love her but I feel exhausted after too much togetherness.  I like a lot of stillness and silence at home, which is why I like getting up at 5 even on weekends and I have hours to myself.   She always wants to be busy, which means I try to keep up with her more than I do on my own.   So I suppose I'd have to develop some strategies there for my own sanity.   Anyway, I feel like telling her of course she can live with me if she needs to.   There are ways around the problems, I know it.   The women on her side live well into their nineties on average.   She asked me what I planned to do with the second half of my life.  I told her I don't want to live that long.  But she said I should plan on it.   I also told her I don't know what the plan is. Maybe I'll move, maybe not.   I just don't know where the future is going to take me.  I guess none of us really do, I just don't feel like making plans.  One day at a time is where I am at.