This is for the late phoenix, who mentioned also feeling rudderless. It was a really helpful podcast to me. I haven't actually done the exercise mentioned, but even just thinking about there being an exercise that I COULD do has helped me feel less angsty, a bit. Maybe someday I will do the writing and see where it goes.
Sunday, June 12, 2022
I keep hearing journaling being recommended for mental health so I'm going to try to use this space for that. I'm just used to typing now and don't feel like using a paper book for it.
I just got back from visiting my parents. My dad has been having a hard time. Which means my mom is also having a hard time. He has some type of blood disease (cancer) which is rare and I keep forgetting the name of it. He's on various medicines for that which cause him other unpleasant side effects. It's not chemo but something else. I don't know why I can't remember these things. I suppose I am just too afraid of something serious being wrong that he's not going to recover from. In addition, he just found out that he has a broken foot that he's been limping around on for a month before finally getting an x ray. Both his feet were hurting from swelling so it was overlooked by the doctor and everyone else? It's distressing. He's still walking around without a cast or boot because they couldn't get one off the shelf and also it's already been a month. My mom has so much to take care of with the farm I don't know how she was doing it. Or will continue to do it. I know she has cut back a little bit on the number of animals just through attrition (they get old and die off and aren't replaced) but there are still something like 7 cows, 1 horse, several hundred sheep and 8 dogs. She brought up that my Master had always told her when she gets too old for farming she could move in with us and she hoped that I still had that invitation on the table. I regret that I merely looked startled by that and didn't immediately say of course. Maybe I should have said something. I was just so alarmed by the implications that this would be after my dad dies and I am not ready to face that at all. Although I could see that could happen sooner or later. We all die, of course. I just don't want to think about it. And then there is the problem of all the animals: my mom said she could just bring them with her. She said it might not be for another 10 years. Ok, but in 10 year if she still has 100 sheep and calculating...5 dogs are likely... where do I put them on 10 acres? Impossible. The other less major issue is that my mom is hyperactive and talks ALL the time. I dearly love her but I feel exhausted after too much togetherness. I like a lot of stillness and silence at home, which is why I like getting up at 5 even on weekends and I have hours to myself. She always wants to be busy, which means I try to keep up with her more than I do on my own. So I suppose I'd have to develop some strategies there for my own sanity. Anyway, I feel like telling her of course she can live with me if she needs to. There are ways around the problems, I know it. The women on her side live well into their nineties on average. She asked me what I planned to do with the second half of my life. I told her I don't want to live that long. But she said I should plan on it. I also told her I don't know what the plan is. Maybe I'll move, maybe not. I just don't know where the future is going to take me. I guess none of us really do, I just don't feel like making plans. One day at a time is where I am at.
Sunday, March 13, 2022
1. Under what circumstances would you fake your own kidnapping?
I think this sounds like way too much trouble. What if I just fake baking a cake? Look, I have a cake! I have baked it!
(just kidding, there's no cake)
2. Do you feel you belong?
Oh, yeah, probably. The pups have accepted me as one of them.
3. In your life, what is a fun thing you did that you will never do again?
Ice skating. It was fun when I was in my 20s, but I tried again a few years ago and it just made my feet hurt.
4. Do you listen to your inner voice?
5. What can you hear?
Right now, out loud or from my inner voice?
My inner voice says I should go watch that Last Kingdom show. Out loud I hear a bunch of dogs walking around the house. Click, click, click...
Bonus: Do you know yourself?
Yes, better than I know anyone else.
My Master left me an unofficial will, or list of things to give away, in addition to having a regular lawyer-approved will. It's taken me this long to even get in touch with one of the people on his list. It's really hard to face that he's not going to be using these things anymore. Some days I just feel like he's gone on a really long trip and I'm sick of it and I just want him to get back already, although my head knows that he's really not on a trip.
Master used to work with a guy who never had a proper winter coat. He would only buy a cheap one every year, because of not having money, and then it would fall apart by the time the next season came, not really having kept him warm. Master told me to give his good winter coat to this man. They hadn't worked together in several years and hadn't really been in touch. It's a really poofy LL Bean one, the highest cold rated coat they make, a real Wisconsin winter coat and it should last a decade.
We were originally going to meet for coffee but I have a cold (not covid, I tested) and didn't want to give him that too, so I said I'd just meet at a parking lot and give him the coat. We were wearing masks. He grabbed me and hugged me for a really long time. I know they were good friends but I didn't expect so much emotion in a hug.
He asked how I was doing.
"Oh, you know..." I trailed off.
Each thing is like a mountain.
Friday, December 3, 2021
1. With whom would you love to sing a duet?
My Master. :( :(
2. Have you ever cried over a pet? What kind?
Yes, of course. Mostly I've had dogs. Also cats, horses, sheep. I cry over a lot of things, though. Other people's pets included. I cried about a dog that came into the clinic and didn't survive because the owners waited too long to have her treated. I didn't even know the dog or the owner.
3. Do you think your personality needs polishing? Why?
No. I'm a sparkly, sparkly sunshine. Pthtllllpppt.
4. What is the worst injury you’ve ever had?
I got a concussion while sledding and remember being in the car on the way to the hospital and saying "Mommy, I can't see". I had my eyes open. That freaked her out more than it did me.
5. If you had a clone, what part or your life or tasks would you have it do on your behalf?
Cleaning the oven and stove. Hate that.
Bonus: Gifting supermarket flowers–good or bad?
Yes, they are good, if I'm getting flowers.
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