Knees Shaking and Ass Aching

Master got into my head this morning in a new but familiar way.   He used his sneaky mind tricks.  He wanted to force me, violate me, coerce me into sex and I got quite deep into my role as victim.   I wanted it and didn't want it at the same time.  He said he was going to keep hurting me until I begged to be raped.  

It took awhile.  

I think my bruises have bruises.  

And I have a permanent smile on my face. 

Dirty

I popped out of the shower, sans clothes, sans towel, and beamed over at my Master.

"I'm all clean!" I announced.

He came up behind me, wrapped me in one arm and said gently  "Sweetie, you are the kind of dirty that can't be washed off".   

Then he bent me over and punched me in the ass until I dripped down my leg. 

-----------------

Now I'm going to need another shower. 

Fireworks

Master being home is like having the oxygen pumped back into the room after days of barely enough.  It means everything is right in my world again.

Last night we barely had time for a hug and him to grab some dinner  before heading out to see a fireworks display. 

 That was great, a really nice private show from the fireworks club, and better than the one the city puts on.  The kids loved it, and fireworks bring out the kid in everyone, I think.

After their bedtime, we had our own private "fireworks" in the bedroom.  He caned me, used pressure points to hurt me and fucked me thoroughly until we both collapsed unconscious.  Mmmmm.  All is good now. 

Sample from the evening:

Punch, punch, punch, punch etc. on the same spot on my thigh.

Him:  "Are you sure you feel ok?  You don't look ok".

Me:  "I'm fine except for this big pain right here" (points to spot where he's been punching me).

Him:  "I know what will make you feel better" (spreads my legs and presses excruciatingly into the pressure point on my inner thigh).

Him: "See, that's better now, right slave?"

Me: "Owwwwwww".

Taking Care of property, a Schedule and Obedience

I have this schedule that he made for me:  Tuesday: clean fridge, grocery shopping, exercise, Wednesday: wash sheets, work a dog on sheep, and so on through the days.   

I feel like I need to stick to his schedule even when I'm tired or not feeling that great.   If I don't follow his schedule, then what?   It might as well be my schedule, or an optional, suggested list of tasks.   Also, I know if I completely blow it off I'll get punished. 

Wednesday I wrote him (he was gone from Tuesday morning until tonight) and said I didn't get one of my tasks done, I didn't work any of the dogs.   I didn't really have an excuse, so I didn't offer one.  I had been dreading telling him, and thought about going out to work at dusk, but I was feeling lousy and had no energy.  I figured whichever dog I worked would have a bad session because of my feeling bad already.  This is a "sport" where you really need your head in the game for it to turn out well.   I kept thinking "I should have done this earlier, when I was feeling good" and I could have too, I just didn't.  So, really I had no good excuse.

After I told him, he simply said "You'll do it tomorrow".    
Thursday I did, right away in the morning, before I was tired out.  
I talked to Master at noon and told him I felt dizzy and sick after working with Sprite (luckily not during) so he said he didn't want me to exercise if I felt bad.  Then I had to think all day "How bad do I feel?  Maybe I'm fine now.  Can I go for a walk? It is a lovely day for a walk, but will I get sick on the way? I want to stick to the schedule because if I don't I may never get back on it.  If he lets me get away from it, will he ever enforce it again?" 

These are all the thoughts that go through my head, making everything more complicated than it needs to be.  It's not like I can talk to him all day at work to see what he thinks, either. I get that one minute of chat and that is it.   He's busy working.

Finally I settled on the idea of him taking care of me, and me being obedient to his wish to care for me.   What is more important?  The schedule, or respecting his new order not to walk if I didn't feel good?  Obviously, it had to be the new order.   

 I gave up on the idea of walking, and spent a lot of time in the garden weeding instead.   It was still exercise, chopping with the hoe, but I could stop and go in at any time, rather than having to finish a walk.

Master gets home tonight!  I'm so tired of being on my own. 

Officially Signed Up

I registered us officially for Twisted Tryst!  No backing out now, not that we'd want to.   I've been busy making plans with friends to meet up/where to camp/etc.   There are so many things I want to do and sign up for, and ALL THE PLAY!    I can't really plan without Master being here to ask, but all things are going through my head!

More tests

I decided today I really don't care for hospitals.  Sure the people are nice enough, but overall, I just don't like it there.

Plus, if you've never had to drink it, barium is extremely disgusting.  I managed, barely, to get it all down (like 5 cups) without vomiting.

Not that I need any reminders, but I know for sure I'm a slave when I only went in and got this done because Master ordered me to do it.  For sure I would have cancelled if it had been my own choice to go or not.   I'm feeling a lot better, and beginning to think that whatever my tummy problem was it is getting better on its own.

I had a bit of flash of realization pulling out of the driveway about internal enslavement and what it means.  I doesn't mean (yet?) I joyfully obey every order, but it does mean that obedience is inevitable.

   I don't know if there are any slaves who never get that "I don't want to" feeling ever at all.  I still get it.  Maybe if one is super-duper slavey one doesn't have that.  Honestly I don't know any slaves like that.  But I know I'm going to do it anyway, whatever it was that he ordered.  

------------------------------------------

Last night I waited in my usual spot for him to come to bed.  He first told me to get in bed, but then before I could move from my knees he'd changed his mind and ordered me to lower my head and raise my ass.  He took one of the switches down and used it on me quite painfully for a few minutes before we went to bed.  He had me give his cock some attention, then it was lights out time.  

This morning I got up early with him so I could let all my dogs out before the Dr. appointment.  When he was done with shower and breakfast (I was fasting- ugh.) he told me to come up and keep him company while he got dressed.  I knelt on the floor and kissed his foot.  He told me to be more naked when I do that, so I slipped off my robe and did it again.  He told me to display for him.  I rolled over and did this.  It is a bit humiliating, but also pleasurable. He nudged me a few times with his toes, then sat to put his socks on.  I knelt at his feet.  Then it was time for me to get his lunch ready.

I think this is a fine way to start the day.

If there had been coffee and breakfast, anyway, it would have been a fine start.

And Yet More Changes...

Master has taken a relief work job which will use up all his formerly free Mondays for a while.  While we do need the money (and it is GREAT money for the amount of time spent) it is one day less that I get to spend with him and less time for him to relax (boo).

On the positive side, things are looking hopeful in his regular employment realm.  I'm not going to say anything more until it is a done deal for sure. 

His hole

"Do you like being my hole, slavegirl?  Being used?  Being my hole just to give me pleasure?"  he asked this morning, after doing just that.

"Yes, Master".

I do.  I really, really do.   I have much soreness this morning, from all kinds of fun, but I love being his well used slut.  No surprise there, hey? 


In other, non sexy but still hole-related, news, all my biopsies came back normal, my polyp was benign, and basically they can find nothing wrong with me.  So I have more tests on Tuesday.  I have tried like heck to talk Master out of making me go back, but he's firm.  Suck it up and do it, he says.  The back of my head says he's right, I should, but the front says "No no no no no no and NO!!!"  

Not that it does me any good at all.  My holes are always his.  

Force

Master and I had a discussion today on how much force, or threat of force, is actually present in our relationship. 

It started with me bringing up the current debate on surrender vs. submission on Fetlife, to which he gives an exasperated sigh and says "Haven't they heard of a dictionary?" 

I won't get into that whole thing, but it turned into a discussion on the morality of force in his view.   He would not force me to be a slave, because that would be wrong in his mind, from a higher law than just the conventional government laws.   He also thinks it would be WAY too much trouble to force me into every little thing he told me to do.  I want to submit, more than anything, so it doesn't often come to that.   My submission is voluntary.    All the beatings here are for fun.   My fun is optional, his fun is mandatory.

  BUT.  I feel like the threat of force needs to be there for me to be a slave.  Why do I feel that way?  I don't know, I just do.

I got into the rocky and dangerous territory of "What if one night I decided not to obey?"   To that, he said "Well, why don't you try it and find out?" with an certain kind of sadist grin.

Call me a wimp, but that sounded like a threat of force to me.   Especially since I have had more than one real lesson in that vein. 

I don't think I need to try that after all. 

"Get Me the Cutting Board"

"Get me the cutting board".

I'd been fetching things for him most of the evening, and so pleased to have him home again, but when I heard that one I figured it was going to be a special night.

It is not just any cutting board, but a heavy one with a handle which is only for spankings, not food.  We keep it in the kitchen.

I bent over a kitchen chair and he paddled me, pausing now and then for a stroke, but never, not yet, touching my eager wet pussy.

I'd have to wait for that.

In between paddlings I was on my knees sucking him.

When we went upstairs, he took up one of the new switches I'd made for him, a very thin springy one, and began lashing my ass and thighs with it.  It hurt a lot, but then he made me come.  After a few minutes recovery time I was wanting more of that kind of hurt again.  He had me lie on the bed for a caning with a stouter switch.  I had been craving this all day, needing some of this pleasure and pain again.  

When he rolled me over and took me I was already in ecstasy from the beatings.   He let me come over and over, with and without the magic wand, and then fucked me long and hard from behind as I gripped the blankets and just held on for the ride.

I have a picture.  This was all from the switch.

 I love having marks to look at.

 Now I can't wait to get more of the same again.

Correction

Note to myself:  
It may not be such a good idea for me to teasingly say mean things to our friends even if everyone knows I am just teasing them, especially when Master is holding a dog leash and standing right next to me.  

The result will be getting slapped on the leg with the leash and told to "Be nice" even we are in the middle of a busy park.  O.o

I was back tracking pretty quick!  Heh. 

What I have

Twisted Tryst South (in Indiana) just ended and I'm reading through the stories of my friends who went and I'm wishing I could have been there.  I'm hoping for Tryst North in August, but just don't know what life is going to throw at us before then.

Instead of longing and jealousy, I should focus on what I have.   It really is true that desire is the root cause of suffering.  If I didn't want to be out doing other things then I could be content here, right?  So today I'm counting my blessings and trying not to wish for what I don't have.

Master, who loves me, owns me, hurts me often (in fun ways) and treats me very well.

We have two great children.

My Mom and Dad, who are wonderful and supportive (though they know nothing of our M/s or other activities).

We have a beautiful farm and our animals.

We have enough money to buy food.

Good friends who love us, care for us and support us, even in all our kinky fucking activities.  

I'm sure there is more, but that is enough, isn't it?   

 

 

Being Normal

Normal is serving him.  That is my normal day to day life, which I need to feel right.  If I don't feel good enough to do that, and I ask if I can lie down for a while, he will hardly ever say no.  

 I teased him a little in the blog yesterday about having me doing the dishes and laundry, but in truth he did the heavy lifting, carrying the basket down the steps, bringing in the 100 lbs of dog food from the car, and putting it away.  If I really needed him to make dinner or wash dishes he would.   But after the stuff yesterday I just wanted to be normal again.  Being useful to him by making his lunch plate of warmed up leftovers, bringing him tea, cooking dinner and washing dishes, it is all being his servant  and I actually do appreciate that he doesn't get carried away with pampering me.   I'm not a lap dog or a pillow princess :). 

The washing machine does NOT count as heavy machinery, I guess, and I don't think the Hitachi should either.   Last night neither of us felt up to anything sexy though.   I was up at an ungodly 4 am when a headache woke me up this morning.    I crept back into bed when his alarm went off at 5 and made myself available to him (er, seduced him).  I could not come myself until afterward when he caned me though.

The Things He Says

I was pretty nervous going in to the hospital today.    I had gotten up early this morning, let dogs out and then gone back to sleep until it was time to get ready.  I guess without coffee I really could sleep all day.  I think Master was worried for me too, but he doesn't show it as much.  He told me to stop picking at my fingers (nervous habit). 

The nurses and doctor had zillions of questions for me, most of them repetitive.   They asked if I wanted the light sedation to be left aware of what they were sticking up my orifices, or the full nap time (moderate sedation actually, not general anesthesia) treatment where I probably wouldn't notice anything.  I chose full nap time, and Master says "Oooh, propafol, you'll like that, it is a good drug."

Then the nurse is sticking these pads to my chest and untangling my hair from them, and she says "I don't want to pull your hair".

Master says "But she likes that".   I just laughed.   The nurse laughed and said "Probably not when I do it".  I liked her, very much a reassuring sort of person.   I refrained from saying anything like "Maybe I would", though it did go through my mind.
 
I had a slight panic when the drugs went in and the room and everything got very, very weird, but then I was out.  I didn't know anything else until I was in the recovery room and Master was holding my hand.    

They went over the going home instructions, and said "No operating heavy machinery today."

Master quips "Does that include the dishwasher and washing machine, because... ?"  

The funny part is they thought he was kidding.
 
Then he called dibs on the cookie they gave me in my lunch.   I didn't really want a cookie anyway, I was more in the mood for the sandwich. 

They took some biopsies and stuff, but so far have not found anything out of the ordinary.  

I'm really hoping my stomach will tolerate pancakes for dinner, because I have a serious craving for them. 

Fasting

Today I'm beginning my something like 36 hours of no solid food.   Also I have to take all sorts of laxatives.  No, it is not some kinky torture scenario, unless you count having a colonoscopy/endoscopy tomorrow as being in that realm.  I feel in my gut (ha-pun!) that they won't find anything wrong with me that way, but the doctor recommended it and my Master has ordered me (I tried to talk my way out of it once or twice) to go through with it.   I'm not dreading the procedures so much (twilight sedation actually sounds kind of trippy) but the prep part, where I can't eat and take all this purging stuff sounds horrific. 

I'm not good with fasting.  Really not good.  It has always led me into emotional meltdown territory, or at least makes me extremely grumpy. 

I'm doing ok so far, just really craving some good food.  Like bacon.  I cooked bacon for Master for breakfast, a bacon burrito.

I had some jello, which is ok to eat, and Master made broth for me.  I guess there are some calories there, but I'm still hungry.  

I have been his fucktoy twice already ths morning, and I also went out to the woods to cut some new willow switches.   That is what he's getting for Father's Day from me, as I have no money.

 I have smoothed some of the sticks down with a knife and file and he tried them out- even over my jeans it was painful! 

 

Just Neatening Up a Little Bit

I had a request to see, so here it is in pictures anyway:

 

Show me, show me, show me

One of his favorite songs is the music of today's blog:

Show me, show me, show me 

Master got home last night, and the first thing he wanted was to see my newly growing out fuzz.  

"Show me your cunt".  I dropped my shorts and lifted my robe, but he raised an eyebrow said sternly,

"That's not how you show me.  On the floor." 

 I hit the floor so fast there was a great thump, and lay with my legs open as he inspected.  When he was done he let me get up, rearrange my clothes and get his dinner plate.

A few hours later we were upstairs.  He was holding my wrists above my head as I rode him, wiggled on him, brought him pleasure that made him throw his head back and moan...

He began slapping me, then rolled me over and fucked me hard from behind, telling me I was his worthless hole, only good for fucking, his cocksucking whore.  It was my turn to moan with incoherent pleasure...

A few hours after that I waited prostrate on the floor for him to come upstairs again.  He came in, went round behind me and started kicking me, right, left, right, sometimes catching my feet in there as well, then a really painful kick directly between the legs that made me leap halfway up before I got control of myself and went back to position.

Then we were back in bed once again.  He started with the paddle, spanking my butt red and making me squirm and whimper into the bedclothes. He got on top of my legs as I lay face down and punched me, rapidly, like working out with a punching bag.  While the paddle is a sort of pain that I struggle to take, this butt and thigh punching is more pleasure than pain.  It hurts, and the hurting lasts deeply until the next day, but there is a lot more pleasure deep inside.    Soon I was wanting to come again, but I didn't ask. I gripped the sheets hard, bit the pillow and waited.  He kept punching and slapping until he finally told me to come. I exploded.  I tried to twist all around, but he held me down, still sitting on my legs.   He took me quickly and fucked me just a little bit before telling me it was time for bed.   

It was so delicious curling up on the corner of his shoulder after all that and drifting off.   

 

Guess what I'm growing

If you guessed cooch fuzz, you are right.

In his ongoing efforts to keep me on my toes and obeying his
 whims orders, not just coasting along with the routine, Master ordered me to stop shaving my pussy last weekend.  

So for the first time in three years, I'm growing it out.  At least until he gets tired of it and wants me to change back.   

He said I should still keep it neatly trimmed, so yesterday I spent a good long time on my back on the settee plucking any unruly hairs from the edges with a pair of pliers.  It was kind of entertaining, actually, and the needlenose pliers seemed to work even better than tweezers, which isn't saying much for the tweezers we have.

Master's "I Dream of Jeannie" Fantasy

This is typically how I wait for Master every night at bedtime.  Not always with a whip in my hands, and usually naked, but a friend made me this outfit at Master's request, and last night I was told to wear it.

Master enjoyed making me do some belly dancing as he whacked me with whips and sticks and such, then ordered me to strip.  I did kind of a teasing dance even though he was getting impatient and kept grabbing and hitting me. 

Then he gave me a thorough beating and fucking.  It was wonderful, especially when he was treating my butt like a punching bag.  Ooof, it is sore.  :)  

Kicking and Punching

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Rough Body Play

This morning I've been choked with a strap, slapped, bruised with the paddle and fucked silly.  Soon we are going to our local munch to hear about the topic "Rough body play".  I don't think I need to be in the demo this time around.  

A Spanking Is All It Takes

A spanking is all it takes... to move me from fairly horny to wildly turned on and lust-mad.  Then after a bit of cock sucking, Master says, "Ok, bedtime." 

What else is there to do but turn out the lights and try to sleep?   I didn't sleep well at all, not more than a few winks I'm sure, before it was morning (if you can call before 5 am morning). I was lying in wait for him to wake up.   

When he awoke he told me to get ready to be fucked.  And I was, oh so ready.   I was so ready if I tripped and fell anywhere near his dick if would have ended up inside me through some kind of magnetic or gravitational pull.

I lay waiting on my back, all uncovered, for him to get back in bed.  He came down on top of me and entered me quick and hard.  After some time he turned me over.   He pinned my hands behind my back and came inside me, then grabbed my throat tightly and made me come.

Just a couple more spanks and it was time to get ready for work.

What I Want

One of the big myths in M/s on line land is that slaves don't want things.  Sure we want things, as much as any other person does.  Above that, I want to be controlled, to know that my wants are in his hands, which means that I don't always get what I feel needy for right at the moment.  But right now I'm feeling particularly needy for him anyway.   

I need to feel his hand in my hair, the back of my neck, my throat, shoving me against the wall, leading me up the stairs.  

I need his shoulder to lean my head on.

I need to feel his eyes looking at me with approval at least, or even better, with lust.

I need to be taken.  I need to hurt. 

I need marks that linger and pains that remind me.  

 

Part Two of Daily Life Post

  I worked Tessa with the sheep.  Took her out pretty close to them, as she is not an advanced dog.  Sent her on an outrun, which she did nicely.  She was a bit too pushy then and I told her to lie down, which she didn't do.  I had to step in and get her attention, getting between her and the sheep and cutting her off.  Then she would lie down.  I took the sheep between empty fence posts as if they were weave poles.   This teaches the dog to balance, cover, pay attention to my body language and stick, and also settles them and slows them down.   After that I tried to start her driving the sheep away from me, but she was mainly flanking back and forth.  So I picked up the rope she was dragging and led her along where I wanted her, giving her the left, right and "there, walk up" commands on the rope.  Soon I dropped the rope and she was driving on her own.  Now I was getting bit by too many mosquitoes so I did a couple more little outruns and called it a day. 

I scooped up the dog poop from the yard and moved about 6 downed trees that were in my way before I could start mowing.  I also filled up water buckets.

Then mowed the grass, and my stomach started aching.  After I finished mowing, I said hi to the kids and  went and laid down for a bit, and fell asleep.  I woke up and it was time to make dinner.

I made some red sauce and pasta.  We talked (me and the kids) and the little one showed me his new favorite music video.  Which is this one.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktvTqknDobU&feature=kp

After we ate I washed dishes, then Master called and we talked.

I was still feeling sick.

I started feeding dogs, and couldn't find Luke, one of my two 14 year old littermates.  I got a bit of a panic.  Looking for old dogs is a thing here.  Even though the yard is fenced it is easy to misplace dogs that don't hear/see/walk very well and sleep a lot.   I looked upstairs, then felt really sick.

I knelt in my "spot".   I started with a prayer for myself.  I leaned forward so that my head was on my hands.  I know these dogs won't live forever.  I don't try to pray for the impossible.  I prayed for nothing to happen to them while Master is gone so I don't have to handle it on my own.

  I thought of all the bad stuff that has happened to my friends lately.  I prayed for every one of them, then went through it again.   My stomach ache was going away.  I stayed in that position a good long time.   My stomach was better.

Eventually it was time to put kids to bed.  I found Luke, sleeping under the deck.  He woke up for dinner.

I put kids to bed and fed the rest of the dogs. 

Master won't be home until Thursday night (now tonight!).

I went to bed before 10:30.  

A Day in the Life

Because so many people ask "What is the daily life of a slave?" I'm doing a little round up of today's excitement.

At 5:00 I got up with Master and made his tea and breakfast (sausage, bread, grapes).  He got the grapes and bread, really, I just did the sausage and tea.   We chatted a tiny bit before he left for work.  I asked if it was ok if I helped Mystique today.

I got the kids ready and off to school.  I stripped all the beds and started doing laundry.  I let dogs out, then back in, then more dogs out.   

I swept and vacuumed the downstairs part of the house.  Then read some things on the internet.  I switched over the laundry.   I loaded and ran the dishwasher.


I got the dogs to come back inside and gave them all their heartworm preventive. 

I had a shower.

I stopped by the hospital (again!) but briefly around 10:30.

I helped Mystique move some stuff out of her house.  Then we went to Fleet Farm together where I bought mosquito larvae killer,  dog food and the fence posts that Master will need to fix a fence this weekend.   

I thought about buying some probiotics but realized I should ask Master first.  

Then it was 1:00 and I dropped her off at her place and headed home to eat lunch. During lunch I talked to Master on FB very briefly but he had to zip off back to work without answering any of my questions.

 After lunch I finished up the laundry, made the beds and folded all the clothes.  

I emptied the dishwasher.

I unloaded the dog food and fence posts (4x4x8 treated lumber) from the car and then stomped around in the woods adding the mosquito killer to both ponds.   It is supposed to only kill their larvae and not any good insects or amphibians.   If we had fish it would safe for them too.  I managed not to get any ticks (I got one tick) or get stung by nettles.


Next I need to work one of the dogs and finish mowing the lawn, which I started yesterday.   We have maybe 1-2 acres of lawn. 

Then the kids will be home and I'll make dinner.  Perhaps I'll do a few more things around the house.  Or maybe not. 

Maybe I'll have a nap.

Muck

Master was fucking her hard, missionary position on the floor.  I knelt just in front of them, at their heads, close enough to touch, using my vibrator and looking into his eyes.  He stared at me with a fierce intensity and I knew what he was thinking.  No words were needed.   I was spiraling down, deep within myself, experiencing a fantasy as intensely as I ever have.   There was a lot down there, deep in the muck of my fantasy.  On the surface there was joy and pleasure, voyeurism, sharing, service and slavehood. 

 But that was only the surface.  
Deep down in the muck was where I was going, inexorably as the pleasures of vibration roared through me.   His fierce eyes were driving me down, allowing me to wallow and hurt, driving me hard. 

 I felt the muck swirling around me.  I closed my eyes, getting further inside myself and away from his eyes.  I started to bend forward with impending orgasm, waiting and waiting for him to tell me to come.   He said her name, told her to come, just her specifically, not me, and as she did I was perched on the brink. 
 I had to ask him.  The final humiliation was that I had to ask, "Master, can I come too?" and he said yes.   The orgasm rocked me as the muck of my humiliation swirled around me.

It was hard coming back out of that place.  I kept trying to pull away from both of them, wanting to be left alone on my own with my thoughts and my muck.  But Master kept pulling me back to him, knowing that he needed to keep me there with him, not to let me pull away.

Master's "War" Wounds

He's very proud of them, so I took a picture for him.   This is his back after today's fucking/play session:

PS.  None of it was from me.   We had a visitor.  :)