An hour ago I was in the shower, curled at the drain, crying. Watching the clear water swirl around the drain and thinking how much better it would look in deep red.
I imagined Master pissing on me, lifting my chin and covering my face, hair, lips, nose, eyes, stinking piss everywhere. "Man, that smells bad", he said- that was Sunday, wasn't it? And Saturday too. I silently agreed with him then.
I am worth pissing on. Otherwise, why would he bother. I pulled myself up, away from the mesmerizing drain, shaved half of one leg (who is going to see my legs, who cares?) and got out to dry myself. I considered going collarless (who will notice? who cares?) but I put it on after all. I considered not being a slave anymore, but I know that is what I am and I can't do otherwise.
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This sounds like the bottom of a low part of the cycle of things? At least - it's pretty similar to my conversations with myself at those times. You know it will pass, right? It sounds like you know he values you ('otherwise why would he bother'). I hope things swing up and away from this place for you quickly.
ReplyDeleteYes, I know. It hadn't been that bad for a few months, but I was getting like that in a certain point of every month. Normally I avoided writing at those times, but yesterday something prompted me to write anyway, no matter how depressing. Anyway, I used all my coping strategies yesterday and was a lot better by the end of the day.
Delete(((Hugs))) are you ok? Whats happened?
ReplyDeleteI'm ok. Nothing happened, just sad.
Delete(((hugs))) I'm sorry. cycles can really really suck xx
DeleteMe thinks it has something to do with "kaya withdrawal syndrome". I am going through it now.
ReplyDeleteSeriously speaking, I think it's PMS. And about kaya and scott, I would just like to know that they are OK and still together. If it's the case, can you please say "yes", they are"?
Yes, they are still together. Their M/s has been put on hold for now, so I don't know what is going on that way for them.. I did have a bit of kaya disappearance shock, but I don't think that was most of the problem. Master and I hadn't been connecting all that well over the weekend, though we were together, and even having sex, it just didn't feel like a close connection. Like we were "off". I don't know.
DeleteI hope it helped to write about how you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteFD
It does, maybe, I think. Normally when I feel this way I stay far from the keyboard or only post little nothings.
DeleteI'm sorry, my comment was selfish. Really glad you're feeling better now.
ReplyDeleteI'll tell myself to take a hike.
What? No, it wasn't. You are fine.
DeleteI think it is a brave thing to post not just all the good points, the beatings, fucking etc, but to show the inner self, the emotions and struggle with internal enslavement and a life of servitude. It is not all sunshine, happy smiling faces, wet cunts, hard cocks and a whip by the bed side cabinet. So, good on you for having the courage to open up and show exactly how you felt and feel. It is easy to say, re worthiness and you would not be his if you were not, at the end of the day you are his wife, life partner and mother to his children, his confidant and slave. He chose and chooses you. Sometimes, we NEED to feel we are worthy and no amount of people sometimes saying, of course you are, I think it is personally something we have to work through, when the demon raises his little head. It passes it always does, but at the time, as you rightly show, it is horrid, tears flow, we feel a bit lost, but the path is always at your feet, your journey ahead set. I hope you feel better soon, but know you are not, by far, the only person to feel this way periodically. I know I do and not always hormonal either. Thank you for posting and showing the real you.
ReplyDeleteYou know why I don't normally post this? I am just sure everyone out there will think "Oh what a whiner, she has nothing to complain about".
DeleteI don`t think it has to do with complaining or not, life is never perfect, hell I wish it were. The "perfect" relationship, slave, Dominant, pffttt. not for those that live in the real world. WE all have bad days, fair days and those bloody fantastic, omg I love my life days. I for one was glad to see your post, if I read someone`s that is all glorious, I often wonder what is behind the front door. We ALL have shit days ancilla_ksst. Doubt follows, then it gambols, our mind makes the mountain out of the molehill . . . It is how we get through them, learn from them and continue our paths. I enjoy seeing the, bastard days, how Master is irritating me mornings, real reactions and the follow on, it is real, raw and emotive. Even helpful to those of us that struggle also. If this was easy everyone would be doing it! lol. You will be fine, onwards and upwards, sod those that think re a whiner, what do they matter in the great scheme of things, absolutely bugger all . .
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