tmi

 1. Compared to 5 years ago do you care more or less about what people think of you?

Oh, less and less every year.  One of the perks of getting older.

2. What is the last self-help book, article or blog post you read? Did it help you?

I read some stuff on grieving.com.  It's somewhat helpful to know that the ways of grieving are pretty universal, the weird thoughts we have and other odd things that people don't talk about or they try to shame people for them, but actually it's totally normal and typical.  

3. Tell us 3 people you must have in your life.  My kids and my mom.  I have a few others too, but it said three.  My dad, Mystique, my brother.  

4. Does tech interfere with your personal relationships? How so?

Sometimes I get wrapped up in reading and don't pay enough attention to what's going on around me. 

5. When you want your partner or friend’s undivided attention, how do you communicate that?

I don't.  I'm pretty undemanding as a friend.

Bonus: What is your view of love? 

We should all love more.  

TMIT

 1. Defend your splurge –

Tell us why you bought that thing — we won’t judge.

Electronic mousetraps:  more expensive than normal mousetraps but I hope they work a lot better.  

2. What is one thing you always take from a hotel room?

My luggage!  Sometimes I take the little shampoo bottle too- they are so handy to have.   Stealing anything that's not a consumable, like towels etc to me is the same as shoplifting.  

3. What is one thing in your pantry you know you keep for too long?

Herbs: parsley, dill etc.  they are so old and bland and I hardly use them so I don't bother to buy more. 

4. Which game show sums up your life?

a. Jeopardy

b. Family Feud

c. The Price is Right

d. The Dating Game

Jeopardy: everything is so trivial!

5. When all is said and done, will you have said more than you have done?

Said more than done?  Ummm I've probably given more dating advice than I have done actual going on dates.  It's hard to come up with something for this one. 

Dreams

 Sometimes I ask my Master to come see me in my dreams and he does.  I really feel close to his spirit that way.  Last night I dreamed he called me from work and asked me to come pick him up because he was sick.   I just said "I will.  You can tell me about it on the way home".  But that was the end of the dream because I woke up.  

TMI Tuesday: Hairless and Sexless

 1. If your chest is hairless would you have a chest hair transplant?

That's funny, because no I don't want chest hair.  I prefer less chest hair for men too.  

2. Are you the center of attention at parties?

No, I'm pretty introverted.

3. What libido-boosting foods do you believe in and use?

I don't believe in this.  I think heavy foods can make  people too loggy to be interested, but just eat lightly if you want to have sex later.   Unless it's chocolate.  Chocolate definitely boosts libido.  Bring me all the chocolates. 

4. Do you ever get tired of talking about sex?

Yes, I'm totally tired of writing and thinking about sex.  My mojo is gone.  

5. How do you think your attitude toward sex differs from your partner’s attitude?

Currently without partner.  

Sad Anniversary

 Today is a sad anniversay:  one year since my Master died.  It is currently 7:02 am, which was the time when he died too.  Not the official time, that had to wait until the coroner got to our house and did the official call around 7:30.  But it was the real time he took his last breath.  I was there holding his hand, telling him I loved him, having been unable to sleep anywhere but in the chair beside his bed (we had a hospice bed brought in and placed in the living room).   

My theoretically good idea was that we would take shifts of being with him at nights- my mom and his dad and me.  I tried to sleep in my bed when it was my turn to sleep, but I couldn't. So I ended up downstairs sleeping in the chair anyway.  My mom woke up early that morning (like 2 am) to keep me company.  She dozed off on the couch and I in the chair after a while.  My Master was getting more medicine at least every two hours and sometimes more often, to keep the pain under control.  He wasn't really responding much to anyone or anything the last two days of his life- his body was shutting down everything.   

There are still sometimes when I look at his picture, or think I hear his voice, that I'm sure he can't really be gone for good.  I think he might just be on a trip and coming home soon, although I know that's not true.  I just don't always want to accept it.  

Support

 I finally found a grief support group to join.  There wasn't much in person going on, and then the group I found is still at a church.  I was trying to avoid church groups because I feel like I can't be my authentic self there without the old patronizing "We'll pray for you... subtext... to stop being such a slut/heathen/hedonist..." 

But, anyway, my desire for going to a meeting like this eventually outweighed my fear of revealing too much and such.  I can still pray in my own ways.  I certainly am not buying into a different religion just by showing up there.   

In my small town, there just don't seem to be other options.  Anyway, I've been to two meetings and they both went well.   See, I don't really believe in Heaven and Hell, or the devil, or sin, or Jesus (as anyone other than a wise man from history).  

TMI Tuesday Why am I even?

 1. What is your go to question to ask in online dating?

This week it's about online dating and I don't do online dating.  I don't have anything here.  I'm not sure what I'm doing with these questions.

2. How old is the pic you use for your online dating profile?

I don't have one. 

3. What is your biggest dating pet peeve?

The online part. 

4. What are your goals with online dating?

No dating, no goals.  

5. Have you ever slid into a stranger’s DMs? Did they respond?

Nope.  

Bonus: Do you think a couple’s finances should be together or separate?

Separate unless they are either married or living together and close to being married.  

Play

 It has been 10 months since I lost my Master.   Every month or so I was going to breakfast or lunch with Dr. Peter, and we had once discussed whether I would want to play again.  At that time I wasn't  ready.  I couldn't think of playing without being overwhelmed by sadness that my Master wouldn't be there too.   A couple weeks ago I started thinking about playing again, and this time without so much sadness.  It started to sound appealing again. I brought it up to Dr. Peter and we arranged a date for me to go over to his place for lunch and play.  

Beforehand, I was worried that I'd have a sudden attack of sadness during play.  Or that I'd go home and have a serious subdrop with no one at home to hug me.  But I decided I was ready to try, willing to take that risk and just go for it.  Because I really missed playing, and I missed playing with Dr. Peter too.  

Getting Unstuck, the podcast

 Getting Unstuck

This is for the late phoenix, who mentioned also feeling rudderless.  It was a really helpful podcast to me.  I haven't actually done the exercise mentioned, but even just thinking about there being an exercise that I COULD do has helped me feel less angsty, a bit.  Maybe someday I will do the writing and see where it goes.  

Sucks

 It sucks that all our private jokes for just the two of us are now just a private joke for me, no one to share it.  

Ugh people make me crazy.

 

Random Journal Thoughts

 I keep hearing journaling being recommended for mental health so I'm going to try to use this space for that.  I'm just used to typing now and don't feel like using a paper book for it.

I just got back from visiting my parents.  My dad has been having a hard time.  Which means my mom is also having a hard time.  He has some type of blood disease (cancer) which is rare and I keep forgetting the name of it.   He's on various medicines for that which cause him other unpleasant side effects. It's not chemo but something else.  I don't know why I can't remember these things.  I suppose I am just too afraid of something serious being wrong that he's not going to recover from.  In addition, he just found out that he has a broken foot that he's been limping around on for a month before finally getting an x ray.  Both his feet were hurting from swelling so it was overlooked by the doctor and everyone else?  It's distressing.   He's still walking around without a cast or boot because they couldn't get one off the shelf and also it's already been a month.    My mom has so much to take care of with the farm I don't know how she was doing it.   Or will continue to do it.  I know she has cut back a little bit on the number of animals just through attrition (they get old and die off and aren't replaced) but there are still something like 7 cows, 1 horse, several hundred sheep and 8 dogs.  She brought up that my Master had always told her when she gets too old for farming she could move in with us and she hoped that I still had that invitation on the table.  I regret that I merely looked startled by that and didn't immediately say of course.   Maybe I should have said something.  I was just so alarmed by the implications that this would be after my dad dies and I am not ready to face that at all.  Although I could see that could happen sooner or later.  We all die, of course.  I just don't want to think about it.  And then there is the problem of all the animals:  my mom said she could just bring them with her.  She said it might not be for another 10 years.  Ok, but in 10 year if she still has 100 sheep and calculating...5 dogs are likely... where do I put them on 10 acres?  Impossible.   The other less major issue is that my mom is hyperactive and talks ALL the time.  I dearly love her but I feel exhausted after too much togetherness.  I like a lot of stillness and silence at home, which is why I like getting up at 5 even on weekends and I have hours to myself.   She always wants to be busy, which means I try to keep up with her more than I do on my own.   So I suppose I'd have to develop some strategies there for my own sanity.   Anyway, I feel like telling her of course she can live with me if she needs to.   There are ways around the problems, I know it.   The women on her side live well into their nineties on average.   She asked me what I planned to do with the second half of my life.  I told her I don't want to live that long.  But she said I should plan on it.   I also told her I don't know what the plan is. Maybe I'll move, maybe not.   I just don't know where the future is going to take me.  I guess none of us really do, I just don't feel like making plans.  One day at a time is where I am at.  

TMI

 

 1. Under what circumstances would you fake your own kidnapping?

I think this sounds like way too much trouble.  What if I just fake baking a cake?  Look, I have a cake! I have baked it!  

(just kidding, there's no cake)

2. Do you feel you belong?

Oh, yeah, probably.  The pups have accepted me as one of them. 

3. In your life, what is a fun thing you did that you will never do again?

Ice skating.  It was fun when I was in my 20s, but I tried again a few years ago and it just made my feet hurt. 

4. Do you listen to your inner voice?

Yes.  

5. What can you hear?

Right now, out loud or from my inner voice?

My inner voice says I should go watch that Last Kingdom show.  Out loud I hear a bunch of dogs walking around the house.  Click, click, click...

Bonus: Do you know yourself?

Yes, better than I know anyone else.  

I gave away his coat today

 My Master left me an unofficial will, or list of things to give away, in addition to having a regular lawyer-approved will. It's taken me this long to even get in touch with one of the people on his list. It's really hard to face that he's not going to be using these things anymore. Some days I just feel like he's gone on a really long trip and I'm sick of it and I just want him to get back already, although my head knows that he's really not on a trip.

Master used to work with a guy who never had a proper winter coat. He would only buy a cheap one every year, because of not having money, and then it would fall apart by the time the next season came, not really having kept him warm. Master told me to give his good winter coat to this man. They hadn't worked together in several years and hadn't really been in touch. It's a really poofy LL Bean one, the highest cold rated coat they make, a real Wisconsin winter coat and it should last a decade.

We were originally going to meet for coffee but I have a cold (not covid, I tested) and didn't want to give him that too, so I said I'd just meet at a parking lot and give him the coat. We were wearing masks. He grabbed me and hugged me for a really long time. I know they were good friends but I didn't expect so much emotion in a hug.

He asked how I was doing.

"Oh, you know..." I trailed off.

Each thing is like a mountain.