A picture, and the rest of the story

This week I'm having a hard time letting you all into my head.  I have been posting snippets, none of which capture much of the up and down emotions I'm having.   So, here goes my attempt at an explanation.  But first, a picture that sums up my night last night:  

It had to have started with Friday, when Master and I had this conversation: 

Master: Your new kink is going to be abstinence.
Me: I don't think I like my new kink.
Master: Suffering is good for your soul.

sigh.

Never mind that we fucked like crazed weasels Friday night and Saturday morning, this thought still stuck in the back of my head the whole time.  But I figured he was just teasing me.  Then Sunday morning I gave him a blowjob as he commanded.   He let me use the vibrator for my own pleasure after I asked for it.  Monday, he was home all day and nothing, nada, zip in the sexytimes department.  I made a few suggestive comments, tried to lure him a bit without being obnoxious or demanding (this is hard to find the right balance where I won't get in trouble).   I was getting pretty desperate for him by bed time, but I tried hard not to show it.   I began to think this was the abstinence he had mentioned.  Or maybe I had done something wrong.  Or maybe because I was on my period I was undesirable.  Perhaps he was trying to teach me a lesson in patience and submission. 

 Then the really stupid emotions and thoughts began creeping in.  Like this one:  I just know that if I were someone new, someone younger, more desirable, prettier, he'd feel like fucking no matter what else was going on, even if it were a bloody mess.   The thoughts that hammer on my self esteem no matter how I try to push them away.  The emotions that come with PMS made it all seem so much worse.

I waited for him on the floor as usual.  He ordered me into bed.  He spanked me with the paddle pictured above, and then rolled over for sleep.  I cuddled up and pressed into him hopefully.  He said no, he was not interested.     I asked him if I'd done something wrong; he said no.  This was when I began to really work at submitting and trying to go to sleep (see this post Peon)... so hard to sleep when worked up and horny, with my ass stinging from the spanking. 

As I began to relax and start to drift off he got on top of me. That is when I felt his cock hard and pressing into me as he said "Your complete submission makes me so turned on".   But at that time I thought he was just teasing me more, turning me on only to drop me at the brink again.  I pleaded with him using only one word "Master, Master, Master, Master...."  I shook my head not to do this, but I couldn't say no to him.   I resisted him physically.   He ordered me to go get a towel, but when I started to struggle away from him he saw my resistance and thought I was really trying to get away and he threw me back down on the bed.  I was near to crying.   I wanted to have sex.  I didn't want sex like this.  But I couldn't say no.   I said I was going to get the towel, so he let me up.   

He fucked me then, and it felt SO. DAMN. GOOD.   But my feelings were all over the place.  Was this a pity fuck?  Had he given in to my lusts?  I said that, or he read my mind.  He berated me and slapped my face for thinking that way.  He was taking me because he wanted me, because I was his and he wanted sex.    He hadn't before and now he did and I could shut up and deal with that.   When he finished as I also came, it pushed me over the emotional edge as well and I cried.   Again he reminded me of everything in my "peon" post.   We went to sleep.
  
The next morning he asked if I needed him to write "peon" on my arm again and I handed him the marker.

Wednesday night he was home again and he tied my wrists with the strap in the picture and paddled my ass, singing silly songs as he did so, which made me giggle. This time there was no sex.  He let me suck his cock just briefly, then we went to sleep. 
  
I barely slept.  In the morning he gave me a quick orgasm with his hand and the command to cum.   I kissed him like I could simply devour him. 

Now he is gone until Friday night.   I miss him so :(. 

Your complete submission

Monday night Master said to me "Your complete submission makes me so turned on,"  right before he fucked me.   Ever since then I keep hearing those words over and over in my head.   I was totally submitting at the time, in my body, in my actions, in my words, to something I didn't want.  At. All.

I was attempting to subdue my mind also, to make my thoughts give in to what he wanted.   It was hard, oh so hard.   It meant so much to me to hear him say those words.

Comforting Ritual

I guess you could call this a ritual exchange.  
This morning I got out of bed when he came to get dressed. I knelt at his feet, he petted my head. I kissed his foot. He helped me get up. I said "I'm yours, Master". He said "I know. You're mine. I own you. Don't you forget it." I said "Yes, Master". And he kissed me.

Then he told me to go get his food ready to take to work.   

Peon

Master can change his mind.
Master can use me as he wants without considering my feelings.
Master can leave me teased and horny if he wishes.
Master can beat my ass as much as he likes.
Master can fuck me and use me as his hole if he wishes.
It is not up to me.
I should remember this.   
I am his slave, his peon, his property and I should remember that also.  

Sometimes the play on my emotions is a virtuoso violinist and sometimes it is a man kicking a banjo down the street. 

Perhaps I'm just having a bad hormone day.  

Coffee

We met another couple today in person today, after talking to them on the internet (Fetlife) for a while.  We met at Starbucks, and it is funny how you can recognize the ones who are looking for you when none of you has ever seen each other's face pictures before. 

  I was nervous at first, of course, I always am, but it ended up being a really good time, laughing together about this and that, and discussing anything and everything with them.   Not really caring if people at the other tables were listening in or not!    

I did blush a few times, but I didn't have to hide under the table or anything.     They are just beginning to convert a long time marriage into a D/s relationship, and have many of the same fears and doubts that we did in the beginning.    I think he (Dom) especially appreciated being able to talk these things over with my Master.  At least it seemed that way to me. 

Dom Questions

Sin, from Finding My Submission, invited all the Dominants out there in blogland to participate in answering her questions.   What is he thinking, many of us have wondered to ourselves, many times.  

 Haven't we?

The first one is "What does your submissive's submission mean to you?"  I assume this means slaves too. 

I asked my Master the question, and he said "It means I'm in charge of everything, now go make me tea and a sandwich".   While I was doing that I asked him to expand his ideas beyond a few words, and he said "Go reread Adam's Task by Vickie Hearne and everywhere she says 'dog' substitute in the word 'slave'."

So in thumbing through my copies of this book I come across this:

Koehler holds...that getting absolute obedience from a dog slave-and he means absolute obedience- confers nobility, character and dignity on the dog slave.

I asked Master if this is what he wanted me to say, and he said yes.   

Another passage of relevance:

The trainer (Master) has occasion to be aware, as few people are, that human authority is corrupt to the core, and that any trope of ascendency- and especially the trope of nobility- stinks of the immodest, the self righteous and the sadistic.  Yet the trainer (Master) must get on with training the dog slave.

In being able to command and be obeyed, in having the right to command, to demand absolute obedience, in return for that right, there is a huge responsibility.   This responsibility demands that the trainer (Master/Owner) is coming from a place of 

...something like reverence, humility and obedience

says Ms. Hearne. 

Does she mean obedience to a dog slave?  No, she does not, not exactly.  She means seeing and recognizing what is really there, not what the trainer (Master) would like to imagine is there.    Obedience to seeing the truth of the slave that he owns, the real situation and feelings and thoughts, not some fantasy or imagined version of such.   Hearne puts it as:

"We can command only whom and what we can hear and respond to".   

After writing this, I asked him again "Is this what you wanted me to get out of the book?" and he said "Yes, exactly".   

Master got home

Master got home last night, after a few days away, and I greeted him in a nice outfit, with make up, and with a tasty dinner ready for him- BBQ ribs, green beans and super duper fudgey brownies served with sliced strawberries.   I wore my apron while cooking to keep the food off the outfit.   He had a surprise for me:

He fastened it around my neck, whispering in my ear, "New collar, slave".

I am wearing it this morning, with a series of new bruises on my backside and a big smile. 

Kink of the Week: Naked Slave, Clothed Master

The actual topic this week is Clothed Female, Naked Male, but since that doesn't apply to us, I'm reversing it, as was allowed in the KOTW rules. 

Judging by the popularity of this post -- Clothed Male, Naked Female, this seems to be a very popularly searched term, or possibly a kink on its own.   

  As I remove each piece of clothing I feel a slight humiliation, a very strong sense of submission and more than a little excitement about what I'm about to do or receive from him.   Clothing can be a representation of power, and it is especially so when Master keeps his suit on and orders me to strip.
  If there are others present besides the two of us, I can't help but feel them watching me undress, even when I look down or close my eyes to try to hide my inner self just a little bit.  Ostrich syndrome: if I can't see you, you can't see me!   I still imagine them staring at me, perhaps with lust, or perhaps with sympathetic embarrassment for me (I imagine the other s-types thinking, "I'm glad that's not me that has to strip off in front of a crowd!").   

Both the humiliation and submissive feelings are intensified when others are around.   This makes it all the more interesting and exciting for my Master, besides that he thinks I'm beautiful and he wants to show me off, both my body and my submissive obedience.   Knowing that he might be (probably is) thinking such things turns me on, so by the time I have gotten down to the last few underthings, I'm getting tingly feelings down there.  

Often he will then have me kneel at his feet wearing a collar and leash while he chats with others or listens to a presentation, depending on the situation.   I feel shy and extremely focused on him at these times.  I don't want to converse with others or even meet their eyes.  I simply focus on my Master and listen and wait. 

  Other times he will have me sit on his lap, my naked behind pressing into his clothed crotch.  His hands will roam over my body, touching intimate places, pinching my nipples.  Again, I'm focused only on him and attempting to block out the rest of the world.  

Because I enjoy the humiliation and objectification aspect of being naked while he's still clothed, it is something that I do willingly, though there is always a conflicting additional feeling of being forced into it, because it is not something I would choose to do all on my own. I'm pretty shy, actually, and self conscious.  

 It excites me to be ordered, to be told I must, to have some threat of force behind his words, such as when he tells me if I don't hurry up and take my panties off he's going to cut them off.    

I'd say this "kink" pretty much hits a lot of the hot buttons for both of us.  

  

A Tale of Two Chocolates

Last week I bought a bar of that Ghiradelli fancy dark chocolate with the raspberry filling which is so delicious.  I meant to share it with my Master, but for several nights in a row he wasn't feeling like eating dessert, so I'd have just a little tiny square without him.   Then Monday night he asked for his chocolate that I'd been "saving" him.   I gulped, and admitted that I'd just eaten the last of the bar that day.    Of course he would not let me forget about that.  

Tuesday I bought TWO bars when I was at the store and said now he had a whole one for himself that I wouldn't eat.  He said I meant that now he had TWO bars for himself.   Then he went off to work, will be gone for three days, and that chocolate is all sitting here staring at me.  I should have stuck it in his suitcase.  

A Caning and Hot Violent Sex Last Night

Master often seems to know when I could really use a beating.  Maybe it's a look in my eye, or maybe he judges by how long it has been since the last time I got thoroughly spanked.  Maybe it's just because he's headed off to work until Friday night and he won't get another chance at me until then.

Anyway, last night I was hopeful yet not too hopeful lest my expectations get out of control or my hopes become crushingly large.

I waited on the bedroom floor wearing wrist cuffs and collar, and my fluffy robe.  First I did my planking exercise, then a bit of stretching, then I knelt and waited.    He came in and patted me on the head, saying "Hi, slave".   I smiled up at him, "Hi Master!"

  He ordered me to strip and get into position.  

Master told me to stick my ass out more.   I did.  He tied my wrists tightly together and then my ankles more loosely and already the happy, excited feelings were flowing through me, tinged with a fear of his cane.   

He started out light, warmed me up, then gave me some hard smacks with the cane that made me wince and dance.   Master moved me to the bed and had me lie on my stomach, continuing to cane me and spank me with his hand until I could feel welts coming up when he slid his hand across my ass.

I shivered with the deliciousness of the pain and his stroking.

He had me turn over, spread my legs and he caned my pussy lightly.  Even going lightly it still hurt.  He began to tease and rub just the area around my cunt.  I strained my hips toward his hand.  He teased and gently stroked, telling me at any moment he was going to smack it really hard.   I moaned and shuddered and tried to press into his hand, but his touch remained feather light.   I had my eyes closed, but I felt him draw his hand back quickly as if for a strike.   None came.  Some more stroking.  Then another withdrawal of his hand and I was sure the blow was coming.

 It didn't.  I moaned again and shook with the anticipation. 

When the slap came it was hard.  "COME" he commanded, and the orgasm and pain together shook me to my toes.

He put my on my back again and pulled my legs up with the ankle straps.   A rain of hard stinging blows on the backs of my thighs nearly brought me tears, then he lowered my legs and slipped the ties off my ankles.   He entered me, making me come again as he plunged inside.   

Master slapped my face over and over, making me come even more, and making my jaw ache (it still is sore today, reminding me of last night, mmmm).  
 
He pulled out and knelt over my head, caning me again and using my mouth until I was coughing and gagging.    

When he fucked me from behind his cock was so deep inside it rubbed painfully, the bottoming out feeling.  

 I moaned in an ouchy way and he asked if it hurt.   I said "Yes, Master".  He pulled out and struck me hard on the ass with the cane many times. 

 "How's this?" he asked.

  It did make the other pain seem far less when he reentered me.  Obliterated it entirely actually.  Helpful man!

It was a wonderful night, thank you Master! 






 

A Non Sexy Post

This was the day to take the lambs to the butcher.  They were supposed to be there early, so I wanted everything to go smoothly in the morning.   In order to make that happen, yesterday I spend a couple hours making a chute/loading ramp thing out of old pallets and pieces of plywood.   Through trial and error I got the ramp  positioned at an angle that the sheep would willingly walk up it.   

I sorted out the sheep that were going on the trailer, getting my ankle trampled badly in the process.   Ignoring the swollen ankle, I spent some time with my good dog Hank training the sheep to load in the trailer until they would eagerly hop in there, and I rewarded them with a little grain each time.   Like I said, this took me a couple hours in all.

So this morning when Master and I rolled out of bed at 6:30 and began to hook up the trailer (pre-breakfast and pre-coffee, mind you) I figured that would be the hard part.  Our trailer hitch is a bugger and a half.   I don't know what they were thinking with this design, but surely there has to be an easier way to attach a trailer to a hitch than this.   Did I mention that it was -12F this morning?  Oh yes.  Lovely day.  At least it wasn't snowing.  

The hooking up of the trailer wasn't going well.  It was nearly on, but not quite seated right, so Master said I needed to load up the sheep, then he'd drag it a few feet and then it would settle on better once the trailer was broken out of the ice and was more manouverable.   

Ok.

  I took Hank to the barn, brought the sheep over and they walked right into the trailer with Hank herding them just like we'd taught them.  Yay!  Victory, right?   Oh no.   

The car could not pull the trailer out of it's frozen position.  This was one of the many times I wished for a four wheel drive truck instead of a minivan.  We threw some gravel under the tires, but still no luck.   The trailer was just too heavy with all those sheep, and the ground was too slick.  So Master said unload the sheep, then we'll move it forward and re load them.    I knew it wasn't going to be as easy without the ramp and set up that I had built, but I unloaded the sheep anyway.   About that time my toes were really starting to hurt from the cold. 

Then I tried to shut the trailer gate and CRACK the piece of wood that it was attached to split straight down the middle.  I just about cried.   Master told me to go get him some tools and warm up in the house a little while he fixed the trailer gate.   After I got the tools and warmed up I went back out to hand him screws and things.    

He fixed the gate, got the hitch attached with much pulling and prying and lifting, then managed to get the whole thing moving down the driveway.  Now we just had to put the sheep back in.   

The ramp was now too steep, without the snow bank I had prepared to flatten out the angle, and there was no chute to funnel them up the ramp, so they wanted nothing to do with it.  In fact, they looked at it and you could see in their little dopey sheepy faces "That's just not possible, lady, we are not mountain goats!"    The only other choice was to grab them one by one and lift them in.   So that is what we did.  Hank contained them in a corner while Master and I bodily hauled each sheep up and set it in the trailer.  Some of those buggers are fat and heavy too!

This worked ok until we got down to only two lambs left- of course they were the two flightiest ones because that is how these things work.   First they dodged away under the barn and Hank brought them back.  Then they dodged away into a shed and we cornered one and grabbed it.  Master put it on the trailer while I worked the gate.   The last lamb was no where in sight now.  I sent Hank one direction to look, but he knew better and ran off in the other direction- quickly coming back with the missing sheep.   We cornered it, grabbed it and got it in the trailer.  

So, they were finally on their way, only two and a half hours after they were supposed to be gone. Luckily the butcher was very understanding of our disasters and didn't give us any grief.  

 

Tongue Biting

A few days ago I talked to my mom on the phone.  She's concerned about her sister, my aunt, who wants to have a risky and not very frequently successful surgery to combat her chronic pain.   

My mom thinks her sister is just being a wimp about the pain, and would be better off learning alternative methods of dealing with it than this surgery.

So then we ramble off into the territory of pain management through mental processing.   My mom thinks (though she says it in nicer words) that I'm a giant wimp when it comes to pain.  That may be true, for some things.   For my part, I keep trying to get her interested in joining me in yoga and tai chi for strength and flexibility.   She says she doesn't have time for that.   She is not your average grandma.   She and my dad run a farm, and without most sorts of machinery, so she works dang hard and nearly constantly.   She has the constant aches that accompany hard work and being older. 

Anyway, this is the long way to explain how I was biting my tongue over explaining my "research" into acute rather than chronic pain management, my experiences with subspace, and the colors that go with different pain levels and how that helps my mind adjust and accept more.    

I think that these are two different sorts of pains, but I'm wondering if the same sort of mental imagery would work for both. 

Furtive Fucking Fun

Our kids both had sleepovers at friends houses this weekend.  It is a maddening frustration that I could not manage to arrange for them to be gone the SAME NIGHT so that we could have some alone time to do the noisy fun stuff.   We settled for much furtive fucking instead, which was fun and left me quite sore on Saturday, especially after getting kicked in the cunt a few times.  I loved it so much I squirted all over Master's house slipper (Thanks be that he doesn't do it with boots on, right?).

There was also some hard paddling of my butt both Saturday and Sunday, covered by noises of the TV and the radio.     Master had hoped to beat me Saturday night, but when I fell asleep watching TV and then he had a stomach ache that plan was abandoned.   Instead I went to be early and he stayed up late feeling yucky.  

Decisions, Decisions

Last night Master asked me what I really wanted.  Not for me to say whatever would please him, but what I actually wanted.  He told me he'd give me until today to tell him.   This is so hard for me.  It means I have to make a decision. 

 I know all those strong willed, decisive, competent subs and slaves out there are shaking their heads.   But I really, really hate this.   Being a slave evidently doesn't relieve one of all decision making agonies.   I don't get the final say, but I do have to give my opinion to him.   I don't know how much, if any, weight my opinion will have in his final decision, but just by being made to declare it I feel it must have some.  

It does make sense to me that he is better able to master me if he knows my mind and what my feelings and opinions are, but on some topics they are just so confused and mixed up.   Not an easy yes/no.  

At 5:30 am I woke up and my mind was clear.  I lay there for about an hour thinking of exactly how to phrase it correctly so I could get all my feelings heard and leave nothing important out.   When I heard him waking slightly and telling me to roll over, I told him my opinion.   

He said he would tell me his mind and decision when he finished thinking about it.   The question concerns a third person, so I can't really say what "it" is. 

The Same Wavelength

Last night, sitting at the kitchen table, I asked Master,

 "How about some hot sex?"  

He replied, "That sounds great, especially if it is hot butt sex."

Without asking, he knew I was talking about some of this:  

And I knew he was talking about mixing it with some of this:

And it was delicious!

Quickie Before Bed

Master got home really late last night.  He had things going on at work which made him stay late so I was very glad that he drove home at all.  The kids had already gone to bed.   I warmed up his dinner when I saw his headlights coming, then as he ate I brought his slippers from upstairs.  He had me put them on his feet as I knelt on the floor.   I washed up the dishes and we chatted for a while.    He answered some of his messages while I rubbed his back and did some acupressure on his sore shoulder.  It seemed to help. 

We went upstairs and I waited for him on the floor of our room, as always.   When he came in he told me to get in bed.   He rolled on top of me and asked what I wanted.   My answer, of course, was, as he requires "What ever you want, Master".   He asked again what I really wanted.  I knew I should have an answer, but all I could think of was to give him what he wanted.  "What ever you want, Master" I repeated.   

He tried to slip his cock into me, but I was perfectly dry.   He forcefully rolled me over and spanked me hard with his hand, then tried again, but it was not much better.  He rolled me over again for more spanking.  Still I wasn't all that wet and it wasn't going to be comfortable for him, even less so for me.   Then as I lay on my back he raised my legs in the air, both of them in his one hand, and spanked me really hard in that most sensitive of positions.    I could feel my twat getting wet.  He told me to come as he entered me this time, and there was a big squirt with my orgasm (my side of the bed dampened for once!).     

He slapped my face a bunch, made me come more times, then he was done and ready for sleep.  It was so cozy cuddling up next to him that I was asleep almost instantly.   I barely noticed lying in the damp spot.

Changing Minds

I was thinking about a statement someone made.  Paraphrased, it was "One can force a slave to do something, but they can't make the slave like it."

Does this hold true for you, or are there times when you have been convinced/conditioned/other wise had your mind changed about an activity or situation?
How did this occur?
Was it a deliberate plan that both knew about? Was it a plan that the slave did not know about?
Did it just happen through adaptation/becoming more alike in tastes?
Does it go the other way, that you can change your Master's mind?


Here, he has a mix of purposeful conditioning by him, and adaption by myself, in wanting to please and wanting to be on his page. There are many things that I started out not liking, or fearing without having tried them, that I end up liking. I could probably take up way too much space with listing them. I also like to do things for him that I don't actually like, but often that eventually evolves into a love of the task/activity as well, over time and seeing him pleased with me many times.

He doesn't discuss any of these plans with me, so I don't know when they are coming, but sometimes I can see them as they are happening- as in "Hey, I used to hate that but now it's ok. Oh damn, now I really want it."

One example for me was a couple of years ago, actually.  He wanted me to give him a blow job while he watched porn.  I was new to the whole slaving thing, and objectification had not been a big part of our relationship before then.   I tried, but eventually became so upset and emotional during the act, and reacting to being used and objectified that way that I broke down, cried, and asked him not to do that anymore.  

He kind of shook me up and told me he'd use me the way he wanted to because I was his property. (Eeee hot, BTW).  So I obeyed and kept at it.  The fact that he was ordering me to do it for his pleasure, regardless of how I felt, was a very powerful thing for me. 

 Now, it is a regular feature of our life, and I and enjoy it, especially in the sense than it objectifies me to the status of just a mouth for his pleasure.   He doesn't even look at me.  I revel in the objectification.   I get wet from it. 

That was one way he took something that was a negative experience for me and turned it into a positive one.

Fucked Happy

Post house cleaning and pre-lunch time yesterday,  Master told me he needed me upstairs to move the stocks under the bed.  I had kind of hidden them behind a dresser for the visit from relatives (they had to be removed from the guest room), but they were still visible, it just wasn't obvious exactly what it was (spanking bench with stocks, all taken apart).  It could have been any sort of project, really. 

However, my sad and unsuspecting mood began to turn as soon as I arrived upstairs.  He told me we'd both feel a lot better if he gave me a spanking.   I dropped my pants and turned away from him, bending slightly.  He whacked me HARD with the leather pig slapper.   I moaned.  That really hurt.  A few more hard whacks, then he eased up and began a steady rain of lighter blows.   He pushed me to my knees and had me suck him while he kept up the beating.   

Soon he stopped me, tied my hands together and pushed me on to my back.  He took me roughly and fucked me hard, slapping my face repeatedly, making me come and sob, and sob and come.  It felt brutal, but just what I needed.   By the time he finished, with me on my stomach on the carpet, him violently thrusting into me from behind,  my previous mood had lifted.  


After a quick shower we headed off to a nice lunch of Japanese food, then some errands, which was a fun time.   I felt much more energized after the good lunch.   On the way back home we both started getting a bit frisky again.  He started telling me a story, semi autobiographical, of a woman who decides she wants to be submissive to her husband and get into spankings and things of that sort.  She ends up naked in the yard beaten raw with birch switches.  The story was getting me excited again, tingling my bits.  I asked if he might like to beat me until I cried.   

He said, "I could make you cry, all right, but it wouldn't be in a good way".  

Ulp.   I didn't say anything.  He knows exactly which tender feeling buttons to push to make that happen without involving physical pain.  I didn't want to cry that way.

However, when we got in the house he grabbed the "cutting board" with the handle and smacked the heck out of my butt.  It is still sore today.  Bending me over the counter he fucked me again, and it was sooo good.  My pants, pulled down to my knees, were soaked. 

 After that interlude I made his tea and we settled on the couch to watch some Breaking Bad.  Periodically he'd pull me over his lap for more spankings, or shove his fingers deep into my cunt.   When they came out bloody he asked if I were sore, but I wasn't.   Not on my period either, so I'm not sure what that was from. 

After one episode of the show he told me he was going to watch porn while I sucked him.   He put some on the laptop and I went to work, his cock banging the back of my (sore) throat.   I enjoyed pleasing him for a good long time, until he allowed me to get the vibrator and use it as he fucked me.  I was on top.   He made me wait to come for several eternities, but when he finally gave the command, the orgasms went on and on for minutes, one after another, never really letting up.   A few more times, he told me to come, and it started to get painful on my clit so I tried to lift up off the vibrator and in the process, off of him.  He jerked me back down again, commanding me to ride him, holding my collar tight in his hand so I couldn't budge.   I did as he said, and soon the pain went back to pleasure, and he told me to come again.  When he came, he told me to turn off the Magic Wand and I collapsed on his chest in exhaustion.  

Fucking can't cure a cold, so I'm still sick today.  He's let me off all but the most urgent of my duties for the day if I don't feel up to them, so I can get some rest. 

Sicky Grumpy Rant

This weekend my inlaws came to visit,  Master's dad and step mom.  While they are lovely people and I very much enjoy seeing them, me getting sick at the same time did not lend to the ease of cooking and cleaning for extra people.   I have had zero energy all weekend, and have still been cooking two or three meals a day, and washing up.   

Sunday was Master's birthday, and my schedule was sex, make blueberry pancakes and sausages, serve breakfast, wash dishes, clean the kitchen, then some people came to buy sheep, so I sorted the sheep out that they wanted and loaded them in the trailer with my good dog Hank.  Master helped with that also. 

Selling the sheep was a big deal for me, as part of that money is going to go toward buying tickets for Twisted Tryst this year.  

While we were outside one or two of the dogs, maybe Sprite or Pepper, ate a bunch of grapes that were on the table.  I didn't think too much about it, cleaned up the stems and went on.  Totally forgetting to mention it to Master until today.  Well, grapes are possibly toxic to dogs, and not mentioning it to him has landed me in big fat trouble with him.  Now there is nothing to do but wait and see if she/they are ok.   I feel like a stupid ass, but I can't go back and redo yesterday now. 

After the sheep deal, I was fully exhausted, and dizzy, what with being sick.  I asked Master if I could stay home from the movie.
We (inlaws, kids, Mystique, Master) were going to see the Hobbit but he said if I did I would have to spend the whole time cleaning the house (possible buyers are coming to look at it today).   Plus, he really wanted me to come with them, so of course I did, that being not much of a choice.  

The movie was good, and I managed to stay awake thanks to a large iced tea.  Mystique was treating us.  I sat by her and we held hands during the show (me feeling slightly naughty for this).   And no, Master's relatives do not know about our relationship.   

After that, we had dinner and birthday cake and ice cream, and I never did clean the house except for a little vacuuming, so now that is left to do today.  I still feel like utter crap, Master is mad and we are both worried, and we are using up our only free day of the week together on this cleaning and being unhappy.

So, there is my rant.  Not all sunshine and roses here today.  
  

Strange Situations

The strange situations in which I sometimes find myself. 

We were upstairs, my pants were around my ankles, and I was kneeling on the floor.  He told me I needed to send a text to ______ about this and that.   He handed me his phone (I don't have one), one of those out dated ones that are really hard to text on because they don't have the full keyboard.    So as I started texting, he pushed me forward and entered my rather tight, dry and totally unprepared pussy.   Owwww, I moaned.  You know that water slide thing without the water?  Yeah.  Like that.

So anyway, I start to put the phone down and he says "No, keep texting".  So there I am, trying to write a message and also brace myself on my elbows against his thrusting onslaught...

A quick note

Master and I had a lovely reunion last night.  Starting with some serious (but good) discussion and getting my head on straight, then a quickie, after which I went to him on my knees with a cane across my palms and a begging look in my eyes.  He took the cane and I lowered my head to the floor.  

Then later there was more sex, he came in my mouth,  and then a long session with the wood paddle which has left me pleasantly sore today.  

Ahhhh, such a lucky and happy slave.  :)  

How To...

I was reading a post over on Fet that asked the question "How do you build a better submissive?" and under it were all kinds of suggestions on how to keep her/him hot all the time- how to spice up the relationship, so to speak.  

Then some of them addressed the meatier question of "How do you dominate someone in daily life, not just the bedroom?" and it made me think of some of the simple things my Master has done that really rock my submissive world, without actually being kinky at all.  

For example, the other day I was complaining about my glasses being all scratched up and he told me to call about making an eye appointment.  What with one thing and another, I never did it, and a few days later he asked me if I'd made the appointment yet.

"No."

He put down what he was doing and looked hard at me.  

"Well, why not?"

"I don't know, Master". 

He simply said "That is not an acceptable answer."  

That was pretty much the end of it, except for me calling as soon as they were open to make that eye appointment.  

Accidental Toys

For last Saturday's kinky gift exchange I had planned ahead and bought a couple of little toys online the week before.  I figured just over a week would give them plenty of time to arrive.  But no.  

The package actually came on Saturday after we had left for the party, and was waiting on the porch for us when we got home.  Before the party we had to stop our local porn shop for some other gifts to take. 

 We ended up with two adorable teddy bears dressed in fetish wear, one boy bear with ass less chaps and one girl bear with a little lace hat and some chains.   They were pretty cute, and ended up being popular items to be "stolen" during the gift exchanges.  

It was one of those games where everyone gets a number, and they can choose whether to open a new gift or steal one from someone that already has one, until the end when everyone ends up with a gift, but probably not the one they started out with.   That is how I ended up with an inflatable goat.   Nobody wanted to steal my inflatable goat either, darn it.    Master got a bottle of Hot Sex booze (tasty!) and joke glasses with a rubber penis for a nose (gaaaaak!).  

I asked Master what I should do with the gifts that came too late, and he said to return them.  Well, when I looked up the return policy, anything that was designed to come in contact with any bodily fluid can't be returned.  From a fetish toy supplier- doesn't that include everything they sell?   Anyway, it looks like we were stuck with them.   Not that I'm complaining too much (new toys!), but Master was not happy.   

Edited to add:  I almost forgot the funniest part of living in a small town as a kinky person!   At our local porn shop we ran into not one,  but two of our friends who were headed to the same party we were, also buying gifts last minute.  And the cashier said there had been quite a rush of us perverts shopping that day.   

New Nickname. plus a serious topic

Master calls me all sorts of things which would not be acceptable in public.  Hole.  Slut.  Slave. Whore.  Fucktoy.  Cocksucking whore.  Slutty slut slut.

  Last night he started trying to come up with one which wouldn't cause shock and outrage among the people, but would be a private code between us and mean the same as "hole".   

  So now, I'm nicknamed "Sunshine", which to us will mean the same as "hole" (as in "Sun shines out her ass") but sounds better.   Hole is the shortened form of "holes for Master's pleasure".  

 This gets so complicated! 

------------------

And now for a serious topic.    Sometimes I worry that I'm not a good slave.  I spend too much time thinking of myself and not enough of him or his needs and desires.  I don't hesitate to be obedient, but sometimes I worry that I fall short in other areas.  I worry that I'm too much trouble, or not worth the effort it takes to be my Master.   In spite of his reassurances that this is not the case, sometimes my worries and doubts creep back up.   Now and then an innocuous or off hand comment makes my fears coming crashing in, and I have to fend off that feeling again.  He tells me that is not what he meant, and orders me to stop worrying.  Sometimes he takes my mind off it by giving me a few swats, or throwing me up against the wall for some light molestation.   Sometimes I just have to remind myself that we are both ordinary people, not some kind of super human Master/slave entities that never flub up, and we always will be just imperfect humans.  

The Year 2013 in Review

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

   

 We went to visit Scott and kaya (twice).  

 

Watching other people fucking on top of me as I lay under them, that was a new thing for me!   Sunday Morning Whores.

 

Master and I hosted our very first kinky event, which was mentioned in a post HERE.

 

Having hot wax poured on my bits was new.

 

I played with WiDomher for the first time, and wrote about that experience HERE.

 

Peeing outside while Master held my leash, that was a first.

 

Horseback riding in the mountains was also something new for me.

 

Master officially got rid of my safeword.   

 

I guess I did have an eventful year after all.  

 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

 

    I didn't make any resolutions last year.   I have already broken my 2014 one.  I'm not very good at this! 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 

 

   Not super close, but some of my cousins and my friends' children had babies.

 

4. Did anyone close to you die?  

 

    A couple of my friends died, but they were not close friends.

 

5. What countries did you visit? 

 

   I stayed in the US all year.   Our big trips were to Colorado and Las Vegas.

 

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? 

 

   I would like to know where I'll be living, and to have some confidence in the future.

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 

 

I can't think of anything.  I don't remember dates as a rule.  Not in history class and not in life.    

  

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

 

    I didn't have any big achievements.  I just keep on keeping on.  I made some pies, and scones, and I gave my best to pleasing my Master.  That is about it.

 

 

9. What was your biggest failure?

    

The sheep.   Last year's lambing season was the worst ever, and I blame myself, though maybe I shouldn't.  Also, I wanted to have some of them sold by now, and I haven't managed that either. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

 

  I was sick a few times, but no major injuries last year for me. 

 

11. What was the best thing you bought? 

    

 I'd have to say it was the tickets to Twisted Tryst.  That was such a fun experience.  I'm really hoping to go back again this year if we can find the money.  The posts about that event start HERE.

 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

    

   Our kids.   They are great kids, and overall are doing really well, I think.   The little one is doing much better in school with the help of Ritalin, and the older one is succeeding at making a difficult adjustment to middle school.

 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 

 

     Kim Jong Un, dictator of North Korea, who executed his uncle.  There was a story about the uncle being eaten by dogs, but that turns out to be probably fake.  Firing squad is bad enough.  

 

14. Where did most of your money go?

 

    Most of it went to health care --related to accidents and injuries in our family.   

 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

 

    I was really excited about all the kinky events and parties to which we went.  I had a great time at all of them, too.  

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

 

Probably none.  I don't really associate songs to years.

        

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? 

 

    I think I'm a bit happier and more content.  

 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 

    

    Earning money. 

 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? 

 

    Worrying about everything.

20. How did you spend Christmas? 

 

    We stayed home this year and had a quiet family Christmas with just the four of us.  It was nice and peaceful, though I missed seeing my relatives then.

21. Did you fall in love in 2013? 

    

Nope, I've been in love with Master the whole time, though. 

 

 

 

 

   

Christmas Party

Our local munch group had its Christmas party last night. 

Before the party, I was getting dressed and Master was helping (I did ask for help picking something).  He handed me an outfit and told me to put it on.  

I said "I just have to get a bra..." and he sternly replied "Did I hand you a bra?"   

Ok, no bra I guess.

I asked if I could wear long johns under my skirt, but that was a no go also, even with temperatures predicted to be below 0 that night.  Instead I wore stockings and garters, which I admit are a lot sexier when having to disrobe for the spankings!

  There was a kinky gift exchange, and some spankings for various people.  It was just all kinds of food and fun.  There was even pie cake. 

Quote of the night came from Master, when he said to me "Go get the (inflatable) goat and the penis glasses".  It was all downhill from there.  

Master gave me some pretty hearty paddlings, and we did some stuff with other people, which I won't go into, but it was really fun, and I'll just say that today started with a whole lot of soreness and a little bit of sub drop.   We talked and cuddled extensively. 

The kids were gone to stay with friends all night and much of the day, so in the morning I made an egg bake casserole for Master and me, then we had sex, then we rested, then we had sex again and I got my ass fucked.   It was a pretty nice day here, sitting/lounging/sexing by the fire!   

Also, I have rug burn on my face.  

Little dogs make good blankets

It's cold here, stupidly cold.  And it is getting colder.  It certainly gives some excitement to life when any exposed skin could freeze in 10 minutes.  It was -18F here last night.  So, anyway, my New Year's Resolution to spend more time outside (hahahahhaha!) has already been broken.  I should have made it a spring resolution. 

Yesterday I went out to water the sheep, as one must do, and since I have to disconnect the hose each time and drain it, I hooked it up, and it was not completely screwed in. When I turned on the water the nozzle sprayed a fine mist over everything- my face, my coat, my gloves, my glasses. The mist instantly froze so I was covered with a sheet of ice.

Yeah, winter is awesome.

We're having our local munch group Christmas party on Saturday, and then a few friends are coming over to spend the night after that.  The kids will be gone on a sleepover with their friends, so who knows what we'll do??   Hopefully some fun stuff! 

The one good thing about cold weather is snuggling on the couch.  Last night we went over to Mystique's house (just me and the kids, Master is out of town until tonight).  She made dinner for us, and then we cuddled on the couch under a pile of dogs.  Little dogs make good blankets. 

New Years Activities

The evening of the 31st Master spent grumping at a particular website for not cooperating with him.   He had been trying to get some work done, and it was not going to work no matter what.

When he's grumpy I (rightly or wrongly) assume that he has lost any interest in doing anything fun with me.   We turned in, and I snuggled up to him, but I had no real hope of anything beyond going to sleep.   

After a couple minutes of silent snuggling he told me he wanted a blow job, and if I did really well I might get a beating.    I think I did pretty well, anyway, I had to go to brunch the next day with a bruised upper lip and sore behind.  *Grin*  


We drove down to visit some friends that we see every few months.  They had hosted a New Year's party also, but because of Master's work we didn't attend that.  Brunch started about the time we got there (almost noon) and lasted all day.   There were all sorts of games for adults and kids alike.  Master wanted to play bridge, and I was nearly enlisted to play (I don't really mind, but I'm not that good at it.  He'd rather win).   He found some others who wanted to play that game more than I did, so he was happy to trade me out for a different partner.  He and his partner kicked butt, too.  

Instead, I played this game--  The Great Dalmuti  --with a large group, including our older kid.   The object is to try to attain and keep the highest rank you can, and to avoid being one of the "peons".     Funnily enough, I managed to do really well and keep the Great Dalmuti chair for several rounds.   I mostly avoided being a peon, unlike at home, where I'm always the peon.