Slave

Why is the one word such a big deal?  Why so much importance and emotional impact, and consequences?  

We have attached a lot to one short word, slave, and there has been a lot of soul searching for me in the past few weeks thinking about what I want and don't want.  After writing the previous post, and weighing my fears versus what I want, and what my Master wants, I decided that those fears didn't justify throwing off the label "slave".  If I feel unappreciated and unfulfilled, things can possibly be changed that were making me feel that way.  More appreciation, more help with household things, more of the good sexy fun stuff I enjoy and not having to see sex as an unwelcome "You must do this" chore.  If that happens, being a slave doesn't have to suck.  It doesn't have to be a stupid choice.  However, there are two things in my mind.  1. This is how a slave acts.  2. This is how a free person acts.   Being a combination of those things?  Very confusing for me.  Being halfway between, how do I function without rules? I have in theory thrown off all the rules, and we are starting from scratch.   But what if I still feel submissive?  What if I still feel I am a slave even if I said I'm not?  I guess I'll go back to saying I am, but still with an asterisk "slave*".  

The State of the World and the State of Our Relationship (TW)

This is somewhat too much. 

When the world is frightening, I feel like grabbing a little safety for myself by imposing hard limits.  There is too much real fear.


When the world and people in it seem out of control and deliberately trying to endanger the country, I feel like grabbing back some personal control for myself.  There is too much real chaos.


When there are so many restrictions on things I can't do any more, imposed by the larger society, I feel like I need the freedom to choose when to wash the sheets and how much toilet paper I can use.   There is too much real outside restriction.


Most frightening of all, I fear most for my Master's health. He's working with many people every day with inadequate protection measures.  He's got several health risk factors for worse outcomes from covid.  Our state is not even close to the peak of where this disease is going, and we've opened it up again (thanks, Supreme Court assholes) and people are acting like the plague is over.   The fear is like a hard ball in my stomach that never goes away.  If I lost him, I don't see how I could go on.   The worst is feeling like I need to take back some real autonomy. 

Not In A Hurry

Neither of us are in a hurry to redefine or come up with new terms for our relationship.  We talked a bit yesterday, and we're going with we are us for now, no terms or labels.  Now, normally and eventually I am a label person, but it seems to make more sense and discover what we are doing first, and then label it later rather than try to label now and then become that. 

Kiss Me Like You Own Me

Kiss me hard, push me against the wall, softly, firmly, tenderly. 
Bite my lips until it hurts so much I want to push away, but I won't because I'm being sucked into your whirl of desire. Pull my head back with your hand in my hair, forcing my face upward and kiss me like it is all the air we need to breathe.  Grip the base of my neck in your hand, above the collarbone and take my mouth with yours like you own it.  Pull away and look into my eyes, to see me looking back at you with the wild, panting, open mouth desire you have created.  Kiss me like you own me because you do own me.

TMI Tuesday

1. How replaceable are you?

Not at all.

2. Does jealously have value in driving humans to improve themselves or is it a purely negative emotion?

I don't think of it as positive or negative.  I think you can make it negative by how you handle it.  I have a very deep aversion to using jealousy to try to "improve" someone though, it just really squicks me out and I think it would lead to the more negative sides of jealousy.

3. A section of your life’s memories needs to be erased, which era will you elect to have erased? a. childhood memories – age 3 to 12 b. teen and young adult years – age 13 to 23 c. adult – age 24 to 35

That would definitely be 3-12.

4. With no laws or rules to influence your behavior, how do you think you would behave?

Well, isn't that a pertinent question this week?  It turns out the answer is "about the same".  

5. Does anonymity encourage people to misbehave or does it reveal how people would choose to act all the time if they could?

You don't have to face the social consequences of bad behavior if you are anonymous.   

Bonus: In the time of coronavirus pandemic, what are you rocking–homemade face covering or manufactured mask?

I have two masks that my Master made for me.  I alternate wearing them.

What Do I Want To Be?

I still want to be his sexually submissive wench/slut/bitch.   Grabbing my hair, pinning me down, taking me, spanking, tying me, these are what is hot to me, what gets me turned on. The slave label is still up in the air.  I just don't know if I can do total slavery anymore. Although I am still calling him Master and he's still calling me slavegirl.  I don't know if that is bad or good.  It feels ok for me though. 

Living Without Rules

I'm trying to take one day at a time, and not to get to wound up in my head about this change in status.  However, that is a complete joke, or, not a joke, but what do you call something that is completely futile?  I will call it futile.

Of course I'm completely wound up in my own head.  I have tried talking to other people to help sort my head out, but each of them has had such a vastly different reaction, I don't even know what the right response is. It just makes me more mixed up.  To basically the name news, some people acted liked someone died or that they would never see me again, and others like I should be having a happy freedom party. These are my friends, who I assume know me, not random strangers.

As I go through my normal day, I run into regular things that used to be rules, that now I guess are not, and each time I have to decide "Well, is this a good habit to keep? Should I just keep doing it this way? Is it helpful for me or someone else? Or should I just do what I want? Do I even know what I want?"  And that is how it goes most of the day. 

So far I have got:
Floss my teeth- yes, good habit.
Get the mail- probably, good habit.
Pick up dog poop- sure, someone has to, but maybe not every day.
Make the bed- it looks better made and takes 5 minutes, so, sure.
Ask before masturbating- hmmm, do I even want to masturbate? I do not know. Anyway, I haven't in a quite a while.
Ask before donating money to a charity- undecided.  
Laundry- yes, this is needed.
Wash the dishes- maybe. Sometimes. 
Don't get arrested in Las Vegas- this seems like good life advice for any one, any time.  Especially when we can't travel.

Not a slave anymore

Still deeply in love with my husband/Master, I'm doing pretty well.  Feels weird and free?