Talking and Ovesharing

 This may be oversharing, but I'm trying to get things straight in my mind so I can figure out what is going on in the jungle wilderness I call a brain.

 

We talked a lot last night.  I've been grumpy much of this week. I said I haven't been feeling very slavey. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to, but not very well, and I'm not feeling good about it. I said I am having thoughts like "Sometimes I think it was a dumb idea to be a slave".  He said a lot of people throughout history have felt the same way.  I feel like he picks on me, I can't do anything right. He punished me, which made me feel worse, like I shouldn't have said anything. But he also told me some things I had done well this week, and made me come up with three more things that I thought I had done well. He apologized for picking on me about my sewing (it hasn't gone well). He told me I have to see a dr about my arm, and if I need to stop fencing because it hurts too much all the time I can. I really enjoy fencing, but I don't enjoy being in pain all the time. He told me if I feel like I need to renegotiate some things then I should come to him and tell him that so he can "Shut that shit down" which oddly (or perhaps not) makes me feel good that he's not willing to give up on me just because I'm feeling negative.
Also, we had sex but I didn't enjoy it. When he asked if I enjoyed it I told the truth, not really, and why, and he said that's ok because he enjoyed it and it's good to use me. Which makes me partly sad but partly content that at least I pleased him. It's so complicated having feelings. They don't all go one way or another. I got pretty much everything off my chest, and it was ok. I got lots of hugs and reassurances.