Emotions and Stuff

 I've been taking a class on shadow work which has ranged from extremely emotional to flat out avoidance (the second session there was a group vote to just go home and not do it) to extremely emotional on the third session.   I had never heard about this before, but it's almost like getting therapized in a group setting with out going to therapy.   

It's honestly better than almost every therapist I've seen because these are my friends and I feel the caring from them unlike a therapist who to me feels like if I weren't paying her she'd rather be at home binging Netflix.  (I have been to 5 therapists now and I took away only 2 things that I still use from 2 of them).   Like "here's this bitch again with her boring problems".   

Between that and my other activities I feel like I've been taking on new emotional hurdles in openness.  

I got on a couple dating apps, and started some conversations.   The ones with women didn't go anywhere really, no spark of common interests I guess.  The first man was quite exciting but before meeting in person I did a quick CCAP ( looking up criminal record) and found out some absolutely no way am I ever meeting this person information.   I highly recommend this step.  I did not ghost, I cancelled the date without telling him the reason.   I felt really shaken after this and almost decided not to pursue the app thing, but after a few weeks I was willing to try again.   

 The second man, we found some mutual interests, and it turned out we'd met before at a munch, so that's a green flag for me (people that go to munches share something of the same level of openness about kink as I do- I don't want someone too timid to show their face anywhere ever. I mean I understand privacy but also I'd like someone to match my level of community engagement).   We went on a date, and he was really interesting and fun.  We didn't do anything,  just sat at a cafe outdoors and talked for a couple hours, but we got into some deep conversational territory.  We plan to meet again.  I'm really bad at texting some days though.  I just leave my phone and live my life, which is what I think we all should be doing.  So I need people to understand that speed of reply is not in any way a rejection.   

The emotional part, I'm getting to that.  I had some conversations with my daughter that I had been avoiding.  One, about death and some of my wishes for when I die, and also about what she wanted to do with her dad's ashes.  I had been wanting to talk about it for years with both kids, but I just kept putting it off as not the right time, or I just don't want to bring it up because I'm scared and uncomfortable.   I still need to have the same or similar conversation with my son. 

The other thing was I brought up that I was on a dating app.  I meant to reassure her that I wasn't planning on marrying or living with someone again ever, I just wanted a companion to do fun things with, but I didn't actually come out and say that.  What do you think?  Is it good to lay out those intentions, or just not say anything about the future because who knows what will actually happen?   For context, both kids are over 20 now.  My daughter is living with a girl partner.  My son lives at home with me and has been using dating apps and had one relatively serious relationship which ended.  

And the final emotional event happened at Thursday's shadow work class where I brought up my sexual assault.  I thought I had mentioned it before in passing, but perhaps no one heard me, or I was too vague.  Surely they wouldn't hear and then forget?   As an introvert, sometimes I think I have clearly said something but in fact I only nodded, made noises and had a full conversation in my head.  Does that happen to others?   

Courtesy of London Tanners

 I had a very emotional morning.  First was grief group for two hours, which was emotionally exhausting (but so worth it) and then lunch with my friends, and then a shadow work class with the same people.  They are so lovely.   This is hard stuff though, emotionally draining.   

Next, Dr Peter met me at the door for our beatings and lunch date.  We kissed and I told him about my emotionally tiring day.  We sat on the couch for a bit and just talked, then we moved downstairs to try out the new toys.  I stripped and knelt. 

We talking about health and feelings in my body, just to check in on how everything was with me.  He rubbed my sore back.   There was a warm up with some of the leather paddles.  There are 4 now- two dark and two light, two with holes and two without.  Each one had to be tried and each had a slightly different feeling.   Then he used a gentle flogger and a heavy thuddy flogger.  When he got to a really  stingy cane I began squirming and "ouching" and he told me in a firm but gentle voice "Take it for me darling".  I said "Yes..." and held still for a few more different canes.  Then he brought out this guy:  

I don't know if you can tell from the picture, but it is layers of very stiff leather.  It's about 2 1/2 feet long.   The feeling when used on me was mainly thud with a little sting.  I began laughing as he was beating my ass and thighs with it.  Oh yes.  My knees were spreading almost on their own.  I was getting very aroused.  Very close.  A few more hits and an orgasm- a paingasm- exploded out of me. 

 Orgasm courtesy of London Tanners! 

They are the makers of the leather "cane" as well as leather paddles.  

He asked if I wanted to sit and rest, which I did.  He brought me a blanket and hot tea and we sat on the couch and cuddled and talked.  
Then we moved up to the bed where I gave him a back massage and then we cuddled under the covers.   It's easy to become cuddle deprived when you don't have a live in partner.  

After a bit we got up and had a delicious meal.  I feel so good and relaxed now.   My ass is marked up with stripes and all is right in my world.  

Picture You

 Do you picture me like I picture you?

Am I in the frame from your point of view?

Do you feel the same? I'm too scared to say

Half of the things I do when I picture you

So tell me now (tell me now)

All your perversions

Am I doing research in a mini skirt

At the library in your hometown?

https://youtu.be/EqUHnojFH5Y?t=2

All of my blogs are titled with Chappell Roan songs lately, because of... reasons.   The slow, leisurely, seductive pace of this song perfectly fits my mood today.  

I had a hard time getting out of bed and getting going this morning. I have been pushing myself to do too many things lately.  The gym. Marches. Community organization meetings.  Work. Driving to Eau Claire in a snowstorm. 

 I made it to Sad Friends Happy Hour group a little bit late, looking "out of it" and feeling worse.

   

Then I had lunch with Dr. Peter.  He asked me if I wanted to eat first or play and I said either way was fine.  He said he'd very much looked forward to beating me.  And in fact a new implement had just arrived in the mail minutes before I got there, a beautiful dark leather custom made paddle from a craftsman in the UK.   It turned out to be like a shot of liquor- stiff and warming.  

All the other implements were laid out just waiting for me and I began to be excited as I threw off my clothes (so modest- not really!).  I knelt on the couch.   I very much liked the leather paddle.  It felt different than the older tan one which is softer, thinner and more flexible.   After I was good and warmed up with both leather paddles he switched to canes, laying down some marks on my upper thighs which are still visible.  He went lighter and harder with various implements in a pleasing sine curve of sensations.  Heavy flogger, light flogger, light caning, heavy caning with the Australian school cane, the stingy cat o nine tails and the even more stingy single tail whip.   

Afterward we laid down for a long time, just relaxing. I gave him a massage.  I was feeling very lazy and sleepy and pleasant. 

Lunch was absolutely delicious:  Sambar, dosas (like a pancake, sorta), Kerala mix (crunchy-spicy) and coconut chutney and vegetable dal curry (I think it had a name but I forget).   And of course spiced tea with milk.    

All the way home and through a quick trip to the store I was floating in a cloud of pleasant feelings.   All the good brain chemicals were mine to enjoy.  And I still have some stripes to look at in the mirror.  Now it's time to have another cup of something warm and lie under a blanket.  Perhaps a nap.

Red Wine Supernova

Another song has been been bringing back memories for me.  This is a post from 2013, slightly re-written because I couldn't help it.   

https://youtu.be/WOg93THAyE0?t=13   I recommend putting this song on before reading further.  

 "You should let her bite you"  Mystique declared, as she opened the hotel room door for her friend, Ms. J.  

Master nodded at me.  I sat on the bed and this beautiful woman, a stranger with long, dark wavy hair, pulled a chair up close to me.  All I could see were her eyes as she drew me in.  My heart beat faster and my eyes widened as she stroked my hair.   

We were balanced in a moment of excitement and strange tranquility. 

Her hand found the back of my head.   With practiced grace she tightened her hand in my hair.  My breath caught as she pulled my head firmly to the side to expose the side of my neck.  I was inflamed by desire.   She leaned in, her eyelids lowering, and took hold of the top of my shoulder with her teeth.  She bit down hard and just as I began to wince her hand tightened and gave a slight shake hand holding the hair at the nape of my neck, refocusing my attention and taking away some of the pain.

Mystique told her I would come on command to the name of a state. 

 Ms. J began naming states seductively in my ear.  "Wyoming.  Utah.  Alaska".   Imagine a breathy phone sex voice, full of temptation, promise.

I gave her a hint, not quite daring to give it away, but wanting to hear it.

 "It is one close to us.  In the Midwest". 

"Ohio.  Indiana.  Minnesota"..................

Then, as if she had known the right one all along, her voice grew stronger, commanding, but still a whisper in my ear: 

"Iowa." 

 I bucked and rocked in ecstasy; her hand was still in my hair.  Then she repeated the whole thing on the other side, leaving two matching bitemarks on me.  

When I had recovered my senses I smiled and introduced myself to her. 

Some women know how to make a first impression.  

The Pink Pony Club

 In the past day I have become obsessed with this song:  https://youtu.be/GR3Liudev18

I can't stop listening to it, and when I do have to stop listening to it, because I'm walking into work, it floats around in my head, I'm gonna keep on dancing at the Pink Pony Club.

When something drills in that hard and fast it's trying to unearth some things.  At least that is what I suspect.  Right in the middle of the song, on my 51st (or so) listen, I started crying.  All the memories of the leather bars at Tryst had been flooding back while watching the video.   It was exactly like that, although we were in the woods of Wisconsin or Michigan, not West Hollywood.  They did a good job of creating the atmosphere.  I had to go back and read some of my blog entries of those times and soak in them.   I will link them here, because they were somewhat hard to find.   

Nipple Torture Scene at a Leather Bar  2016

Dirty, Dirty Girl  2016

There are only certain memories I dare to revisit right now.  You probably won't notice First Choice Cunt in there, and that's for a reason.  My heart is tender and I'm not ready to go there. 

This one was only the final third of a really long post, so I'm just going to copy the whole thing in here:  

2015 Leather Bar

We almost didn't go.  I was tired, uncomfortable, whiny and getting on Master's nerves; he wasn't sure he wanted to deal with cigar smoke.   We sucked it up and went. 

Missing it would have been a huge mistake.

The leather bar was huge this year, made of canvas and lights and pvc, but transformed into a hot and sexy magical space.  Also, we were visited there by the Scotch fairy.  I bet you didn't know there was a Scotch fairy.   She's a fairy... that brings you Scotch.  So, Yay! 

We met PK there, and did a quick negotiation for a scene that we'd be talking about in vague terms since before Tryst. Master told me I should speak for myself this time.   I thought right then and there would be the perfect time and place to do it.  He threw me to the ground, in the gravel and dirt outside the leather bar, surrounded by crowds of people, and began slapping and hurting me.  It was intense, and hot, and violent.  Then he began pinching and twisting my breasts.  It hurt so bad I tried to push his hands off, which didn't work at all.  I was on the ground, and he was over me.  A wave of primal fear and anger swept over me, caused by the pain.  I had the impulse to hurt him back, to do anything to try to escape from that pain. It was in my awareness that my fingernails are almost 1/4 inch long and tough enough to be used as screwdrivers in a pinch.  I could just dig them in...then it flashed into my mind just as quickly that this would be a stupid thing to do.  This is what your safeword is for, dummy.  I said RED as clearly as I could, and he stopped.  Master also heard me in the midst of the crowd noises and came to see what was wrong.  I could not explain what was wrong, so I just lay on the ground trying to catch my breath.  I wasn't sure I could continue, but I also wasn't sure I wanted to stop, so I just waited.

Eventually they helped me up and we talked again.  The boob torture placed off limits for now, we started up again.  I loved the face slapping, and other places slapping, and being thrown all about.  And having my butt punched as I bent over a chair.   Then there were big hugs all around and I went off  feeling a certain smiley glow.  

 We entered the leather bar proper.  And the backroom, where there was a big sign saying "Entrance here means consent".   

Master and I did stuff together.  Naughty backroom stuff. It was fun.

I was wearing my thigh high boots, and was at the bootblack station in time to witness an incredibly powerful moving occurrence there.   I waited in line, as WM had invited me to have my boots done, and they are new but they had gotten a little scuffed and dirty when I was thrown around in the gravel.  It was really wonderful, comparable to a leg massage, and she is so damn sexy all the time anyway.  But then her owner/master/husband (Travis) told her to put the conditioner on with her tongue.  The conditioner is non-toxic, mainly beeswax (as I learned in class earlier).  She started licking it on and it was even more amazing, sensual, almost sexual.  Which was not something I would have ever imagined feeling.  Anyway, I need Master to get some leather boots now so I can learn this. 

After that, we stopped by the sex swing for some fucking, then back to the tent for more fucking.  

And that's the end.  I didn't bring in the field trip to the Mr. Leather contest, or any of the other wild things.  

But when I was going through the Tryst entries I found 

The Hunger Games

It's hard now looking back on it, to believe that was something we did, something they pulled off and everyone had a great (or painfully bad, as the case may be) time.  If you've read the Hunger Games, just imagine trying to organize it in real life with a bunch of BDSM lovers, and of course nobody gets killed.  

Made a new friend

 This friend has nine tails and is a cat that doesn't meow:   

I visited Dr. Peter's for lunch and this surprise was waiting for me.  Before any eating, first comes the beating.   We have decided to make it more of a regular event instead of just occasionally, so we have been getting together every month.   I didn't write a blog last time, but then people were asking and I need to please, evidently.  

We got straight into the fun, with me stripping off everything but my socks (I like to have warm feet, you know) and kneeling on the couch facing the wall.  We had a little chat during the warm up of my back, about the implements and about various friends and how they are doing.  Maybe not traditional, but whatever works.  The Smoked Dragon Cane has a name full of mystique, and now I can't remember what it looks like, but I imagine it looks like a dark swirly marble, only wooden.   I had my back to it and also my glasses off and mostly my eyes closed.  But for the Australian school cane, Dr. Peter had me turn around and look at it after a few strikes.  It's a massive thick thing, with a beautiful braided leather handle.  It feels... like a thick heavy cane.  How do you describe the feeling to someone who hasn't experienced it?  The Smoked Dragon is lighter and a bit stingy.  A bit of fire.  The Australian Cane hits you like the weight of a demanding teacher's expectation.   

He also brought the Cat O Nine Tails (we counted to make sure) around for me to admire and I already started falling for it, before feeling it, if one can fall for an implement of pain.  I love leather, I love whips and I loved the craftsmanship that was stamped all over this one. 

He started out whipping me with it lightly, getting me used to the feel, and I was really enjoying falling into the trance of the rhythm, but I kind of wanted it harder, and I was about to say "You can go harder" when he really started to ramp it up and then I was past trance level and getting into euphoria territory.   Come on baby, make it hurt so good, my theme song of the day.   When I started to shift and move and yelp he had me turn around, seated on the couch and he used a much softer implement, a flogger, on my front side.   

Then he asked me to use the toy I brought (glass dildo, many ribs) on myself.  I started out doing well, but after a while I was feeling not as pleasurable.  I just couldn't do myself by myself.   So he helped me get there. And there again.  And a bunch of multiple there's all run together. 

It was quite the afternoon!    Maybe February is the Month of Joy after all.  

Have Yourself a Slutty Little Christmas

 Overall, I have been doing kind of badly, in terms of mood and getting anything accomplished beyond the bare minimum.  For a start, I came back from my family Thanksgiving trip sick and was dragging with low energy from that.  There is so much darkness this time of year, and so much darkness in politics and the news.  I've really been missing my Master, and thinking about playing and sex and thinking about doing something about that thought but then not actually calling anyone or seeking out play in any way. 

 Like it's just going to fall in my lap, as a surprise, right?  

Tuesday night was extremely nice.  I have joined a knitting club,  or a loose (not that kind of loose) association of crafters, anyway.  Mostly women, but not all women.  Tuesday was the regular get together but also the Christmas party, so first we went to a bar (don't all knitting groups start this way? maybe only in Wisconsin).  I had the best drink, which I highly recommend, although I do not know how to make it.  It's called Spanish coffee and it's salty and sweet and alcohol laden, and creamy and beautiful. The ribbons of cream float down the clear glass through the coffee like diaphanous jellyfish tendrils.   Also it involved fireballs in the glass because we were at a fancy place.   

And then at knitting people brought samosas and cookies and strawberries.  Another person played Christmas songs on a violin and we all sang along as best we could.  And we knitted.  It was thoroughly enjoyable and cozy.  

Today I had my grief meeting, and then we had planned a group sauna a couple hours later.  It was snowing and I didn't want to drive all the home and back, and I needed lunch.  I didn't feel like eating in my car alone, so I called Dr. Peter, who lives near there, thinking he was probably busy, but he wasn't and he did want to eat with me, so I picked up some food and took it to his house.   As we ate we talked about playing, and he suggested we could do it right away!  I thought for about one millisecond and then knew that was exactly what I wanted. Surprise!

He has an all new house, moved into not that long ago, so finding the implements was the first thing, while I undressed in the basement.  It was warm compared to most basements, and quite cozy with thick rugs and many bookshelves.  While I was waiting I perused the titles on the shelves, which is one of my favorite things to do at a book lovers house.  When he located the bags of canes, he had me kneel on a towel on the couch and he warmed me up with the floggers.  The first one was soft and friendly, and the second one was heavy and thuddy and began to heat me up. 

He stepped away and then stroked my back lightly and sensually with a cane, bringing a delicious anticip...

...

ATION!  

the cane strike was familiar and yet so long ago I was almost starting to forget the feeling.  It had been months, years, whatever, a very long time.  The whippy little one to the whangee to the thuddy Australian it was all wonderful.  

Afterward we went up to bed and got under the covers, and I gave him some pleasure too.  It was so nice and cuddly I didn't want to get up for a long time.  It was past time that I was supposed to be in the sauna so I did bolt for my clothes and zip away in an undignified way when I realized the time (and with a very inappropriate number of good byes for Wisconsin- we normally require 10 minutes of good byes at least).   But I felt bad leaving people waiting for me.   

The sauna was great, with the snow outside it was made even better being so warm and roasty in the little building.  We kept going in and out, getting cold in the snow and back to the heat.  My head was really buzzing by then.  With the play, and then the heat, I felt quite "high"- although I didn't take any drugs I felt like I had.  I assume it was the endorphins.  

So, all in all it was an extremely good day and I'm feeling a lot more like Merry (Slutty) Christmas to everyone!