Sunday, September 30, 2012

What if... Question 30

If your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again?

I used to worry that my Master would change his mind, that he would not accept me as a slave, that something I would do would turn him off the whole idea and he would refuse.  I can't submit in a vacuum, I need to be dominated.   

I no longer torment myself with the "What if" game.   It has been over a year and he is even more into than I ever expected he would be.   He enjoys being able to tell me what to do and have it done, with no worries about me refusing or not feeling like doing something for him.   He enjoys the floggings and beatings and ass sex he gives me.   I just really don't worry anymore, and it is such a relief.   

Sure, I find other things to worry about, but not this one any more, because I don't think I would be as happy without this dynamic.   We would continue on, I suppose, but it would be a life lacking in flavor.  

Pain and Humiliation- Question 29

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

I'd say it is a big part of our relationship.   It is usually not something that I tolerate because I am submissive or a slave, it is something I need and crave with an intensity that scares me sometimes.    Both pain and humiliation turn me on.   They make sex more intense and enjoyable for me. They make me cum.  He sometimes uses flogging or other types of light pain as a reward for me.   One day he came home and said "The bathroom really looks great today, slave, I can tell you put in some time on cleaning that.  You'll get your reward tonight when I beat the shit out of you."

It also makes me feel more submissive to receive a daily flogging/caning/cropping.   It makes everything feel all right with my world and if I don't get that regularly I start to feel out of sorts and crabby.   

If he really wants to torment me he'll make be choose between flogging and fucking.  I beg to be allowed both, but he just likes to see me squirming in trying to make a choice.  I don't like having to choose.  If he picked one or the other for me and not both, fine, I'm happy.  If he makes me choose, I squirm and try to get out of having to decide.  

Then there are those other times.  I can't really ignore them in this discussion, although I'd like to.  Sometimes I don't really want pain.  Or it goes on longer/harder/more painful than I like.   At those times I do take it because I'm submissive and his slave.  I take it because I'm his and because it fulfills an even deeper need in me than just the need for pleasure.   It fulfills my need to submit to pain and humiliation for him.  This gets to the root of what it is really all about for me. 

Afterward, I'm usually in subspace, and floating around on a happy cloud of endorphins.  

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Dope Slap

Why is it that I need one of those over and over again for the same thing?   It's like I can't quite get it through my head that he can do whatever he wants and I don't get to be all butt hurt about it.

Wednesday night he gave me a hard flogging, and some other beatings, so I was all tenderized.  Then he lay back to read while I gave him a blow job.  Now this was rather humiliating for me.  I'm there, doing my darnedest to please.
And he's reading.   But I didn't get distracted, or break down, or whine.  I did my best.

Later he fucked me and made me cum, but the orgasm broke down my last bit of held back emotion and I broke down in tears. 

He stopped, made me tell him what was wrong.   So I told him.   His answer was the metaphorical dope slap.  Of course he can do whatever he wants.  It is not a reflection on me, it is what makes him happy that counts, and he is enjoying me his way.  If he wants to read during blow jobs he is damn well going to do that.   This made me feel all better, back to even keel.  He knows how I feel, he accepts that, and I can accept that is how it is too.    That is how I need it to be in fact.    I wouldn't feel it was right any other way. 

I know this, but I need reminders every so often.   Thus, the dope slap. 

Wanting it

This morning I woke up and could not get thoughts of violence out of my head.   As I lay next to my peacefully sleeping Master images of myself being thrown down, flipped around, beaten on the ass, the back, the face with his hand, a leather strap, the whip, kept running through my head.   Images being fucked hard, tied up, face down, of being used hard for his pleasure would not leave me alone.

Master was sleeping, and I'm not allowed to wake him up.  Anyway, I didn't want to ask for it.  I wanted him to demand it.

Finally, after lying there for an hour or so, I got up and had some coffee.   Still wanting it.  I am patience.  I am patience.  If I say it long enough I may believe it.  

Question 28: Decisions, mistakes, looking back

Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

Has my submission ever let me down?  In terms of making a bad decision about when to submit or to whom to submit?  No, I don't think so.   The only time I regretted having submitted was briefly after a major life decision when I thought perhaps if I had not be so submissive, if I had not been a slave either, the decision would have gone the other way, or would not have been necessary.  It was only for a day though that I was kicking myself around for it.  Before and after that I realized it could not have been any other way, nor would I have wanted to do anything differently if I had everything to do again. 

It was his decision to make, and we both took the consequences, although mine were more severe by a long way.   So to handle my submission going forward after that, I pretty much just fell back to my mantras "Just obey" and "I am patience".  

I find those two sayings cover just about every situation or problem I run across with my mind in slavery.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

It's only fantasy... Question 27

Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

My unfulfilled fantasies freak me the heck out.  You think I'm going to tell all the world about them?  Nope.  Master knows, that's enough for me.  Seriously.   We have fulfilled a lot of fantasies already.  The rest are, well, they may be better off under cover and in imagination than seeing the light.   If they didn't excite me they wouldn't really be fantasies, would they? 

Some pictures from Saturday night's Kinky Kamping

Stick tapping

Playing with his knife
Double floggers

Stupid slave question # 102

Because I can't keep my mouth closed.

I asked Master this morning "Did you really mean to hit me in the ears with the belt last night?"

He looked at me flat out astonished and said "Well, yeah...".   Then proceeded to demonstrate aiming with the belt (snapping like a twisted towel, not the more lenient flat slapping) until he was convinced that I understood.  Now I'm sitting tenderly again, and not just because Thursday is once again officially ass sex day.  

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Question 25: Objects and rituals

Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

Some days every little object, every little action that I take, seems hugely invested with significance and meaning.  It is bringing a sense of the sacred into everyday life, except instead of worshiping god I have a sense of the sacred about serving my Master.   At those times, anything can be significant object or ritual, from hanging up laundry to washing dishes to kneeling at his feet.

Other days, I'm just happy to be getting by and doing what he wants without failing or getting in trouble.   

Monday, September 24, 2012

Humiliation, beginner level

It is so easy.   I don't know why, but I am easy to humiliate.  It doesn't take much effort from my Master.  He was reading a thread I replied to on Fetlife about which sexual position people find most humiliating.  I don't find any of them humiliating, it's that other stuff that goes along with it that does if for me, the little things that he says or does.  Before I get too far, you should know that this is not anything bad for me, it is very hot, and really flips all my little "on" switches. 

So last night I waited, as I do every night, kneeling on the floor in the bedroom, knees spread, naked except for my leather collar, holding the riding crop in my mouth.  The longer I wait the more my pussy begins to drip, feeling so open and exposed.  
  He entered the room and grabbed up the crop quickly.  For once I managed to open my mouth at just the right time to not have it pulled loose over my lips, just the perfect release.  I had some sympathy with those dogs who are trained to retrieve hard wooden dumbbells by people who grab them up too quickly.  It's not that easy to get right and not have your lips jolted.   He tipped me forward with the pressure of his foot at my back, so my face was on the floor.  Then he kicked me (hard) in the butt and cunt several times.  

"Is this humiliating?" he demanded.

I was not expecting questions, and I was caught out.  I didn't say anything for a long second and felt the crop strike hard on both upraised cheeks.  Matching ouchy places on each side, filling me with desire, but at the same time, shame at not having answered him promptly. 

"I asked you a question.  You'd better answer."

I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling the coursings of humiliation and pleasure going all through me.  I pressed my face hard against the floor.   

"Yes, Master it is."


He proceeded with a few lighter crop whacks, then switched to the floggers for a brief time before taking me to the bed and having me suck him, then ride him, giving me multiple orgasms that way, then he rolled me over on to my stomach, pinned my hands and fucked me til he was done with me. 

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Question 23: Attraction and Repulsion

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

I remember reading a story on the internet about 12-13 years ago about a D/s relationship.   In the story, it was just the beginning of the relationship and was about how she, the submissive, began to submit to a Master, to give herself up totally to his control.   It was heavy on degradation and humiliation, and the story (which I had found by doing a search on "bondage") both repelled and attracted me.  I couldn't imagine the thought of submitting myself totally to another person, couldn't imagine being degraded that way and loving it.  

But. But.  

At the same time it attracted me and thrilled me.  I didn't want it to happen to me at all and yet I couldn't stop thinking about it.   And being made totally hot by the idea of being in such a relationship.

It wasn't until last year that during another internet search for the same sort of story I discovered a website where people were actually living this way.  I started asking questions, joining in discussions and found that I really, really wanted this.   Not just a little bit, but wanted it in a way that was a fire inside me so hot I felt it must be attempted, and damn the consequences.  This was when I finally brought it up to my husband, and asked if I could be his submissive, if he would spank me and tie me up.  He said yes, he'd like that very much, although he didn't really want to hurt me.   As I recall I said something like "Oh, that's good, I don't want you to hurt me either, I'm not a masochist."   Which fills me with laughter these days.   If I only knew then.   

There is very little that repels me about other relationships of M/s or D/s.  I figure it is their relationship and it is up to them as adults to run it the way they feel is right.  There are some individual acts that I personally would fear to have done to me, but whatever floats their boat, ya know.  

Night Out and Morning Chaos

Good morning!   
Serving breakfast can be so stressful, then after it's done I just feel like "Whew, it's done, I don't know what I was so worried about".   

I had a disaster to clean up in the kitchen this morning- we got home late and the kids and babysitter had used every dish in the place and not cleaned up a bit of it.   It was too late to clean anything last night, so it all got left for this morning. 

I worked my way through the dishes and trash, and started in on making waffles.  Then I discovered that one of the dogs had barfed all over.  The kids were yelling, running around the house (amok!amok!), Master was asking where his tea was, the waffles needed watching in the waffle iron and I'm trying to get dog vomit cleaned up all at the same time.  

Just another typical madhouse Sunday morning. 

At least we had some fucking awesome sex earlier this morning, complete with many, many orgasms.   

The reason we were out late last night was we attended a BDSM outdoor camp party.  We didn't stay overnight (and a good thing too- it was REALLY cold last night).  

The tying up rack was close enough to a giant bonfire to provide a certain amount of warmth, even for a naked slave.   Master had me strip and wrapped me up partially in saran wrap, then tied me to the rack and hit me with various implements.    Saran wrap is really very warm- something to remember if you are ever in danger of freezing and happen to have some handy.   

About halfway through he started playing with his Buck knife, running it all over my back and butt, telling me to hold still if I didn't want to be cut.  Then he began cutting away parts of the saran wrap to allow better access for the flogging.   

I did hold very still, picturing in my mind that sharp knife slipping and what it would do to me.  

After he was done he untied me, finished cutting off the saran wrap and told me I could get dressed.  I was standing on one leg halfway into my skirt when I felt a sharp snapping on my ass- he was snapping me with the leather thong.    I turned and looked, and must have rolled my eyes at him.   He said I could pay for that later. 

Friday, September 21, 2012

Question 22: 30 days of submission

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

Speaking only for myself here, no, I would not feel submissive except in relation to another person who is more dominant.  I feel I have to be submissive to SOMEONE, not just submissive in general.  
I think dominance and submission are relative statuses, kind of like high and low.  Something is not just "low" in general.  It is low repsective to other items to which one compares it.  

The Great Wall of China may be high compared to other walls, but it is low compared to the height of the moon from the earth.  I feel the same about dominance and submission - they don't exist with out a relative comparison.  This probably comes from my animal behavior background, with animal pecking orders being my most common reference point.   To have a dominance hierarchy you need at least two animals.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Cabin in the Woods

For the last 6 months Master has been all excited about getting Cabin in the Woods and making me watch it with him. I am not a fan of scary movies, especially since his idea of super big fun is to wait until the tense buildup starts and then grab me and go "Raaaar!!!".

   As he says: "Your shrieks of terror are music to my ears".

Anyway, to last night.

I dutifully rented Cabin in the Woods, and was getting ready to watch it with him, then I needed to run upstairs for something.

Just as I started for the stairs he grabbed be from behind and "Raaar'd" in my ear. In spite of knowing it was coming and being semi-prepared, I still went instantly to full panic.

I peed. Yep. Scared the piss out of me. Then I realized it was him and instead of hitting back with an elbow to the solar plexus (which I did the first time he did that to me- a whole nother story there) I dropped to the ground and rolled up a ball. I don't know why I had that reaction- there was no thought process involved, just automatic response.

I adore my Master. I love him deeply with all my heart. And for the past 20+ years he has found it hilarious to frighten me.

The first time was when we were walking down a country road in Western Oklahoma. It was 1988.  It was dark. This was real country, no houses, no lights, a few dry twisted trees looming over the road. He started telling me the tale of the axe murderer that used to haunt these parts. Just when I was getting all creeped out he made some pretext to hang back and then grabbed me from behind and did the zombie growl.   I shot an elbow into his chest and knocked the wind completely out of him. I then cursed him out as he was at the same time trying to get his breath back and recover and laughing uproariously.

Anyway, back to the present.

He took me upstairs, made me cum with a word, then stripped off my clothes, including the soaked panties, forced me onto my knees and told me to suck. I did, of course.

He stuffed my pee soaked panties into my mouth, which was disgusting but extremely hot. "Come" he commanded. I did.

He put me on my hands and knees on the floor and spanked me hard, then took me and fucked me. Somehow he had grabbed the flogger and used it on my back as he thrust into my cunt from behind. I came and came. Fuck yeah!

"Now, get on the bed, slut", he stood up.

"Lie on your stomach". I obeyed quickly, panting hard.

He started dripping lube over my ass.

"You know what I'm going to do, right?"

"Yes Master."

He started easing his cock into my ass and it hurt like hell. I kicked my legs, tried to squirm out of the way, tried weakly to push back with my hands.

"Does it hurt that bad?" he asked, sounding only slightly concerned.

"Yes. It does". Hopeful.

"I'm going to stick it in your ass, slave. You need to breathe, breathe."

Something about the way he said the word slave made me go limp and relax. I breathed. Breathed again.

"Yes Master".

and again.

"Yes Master".

One more time into my ass, a little yip of pain, and it was going to be ok. Now it felt fantastic.  I pushed back, orgasmed hard, chewed the blankets, thrashed against him in ecstasy until we both came one final time.

As we lay back on the bed he comments "Surprise".

We watched the movie and during the first bit of suspense I grabbed him and startled him. He didn't let out any shrieks of terror (sadly) but didn't hit me either. He returned the scare tactic shortly after that. I probably did let out a girly shriek of terror. I would hate to disappoint. :)

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

"Here is a game that will be fun for us..."

I start to get a little nervous/excited when I hear him say those words, especially when I have already been very well flogged, and am bound and naked.

No, it wasn't this game:

That was "toss the coins at slave's cunt" from last week.

This time he told me I missed some hairs down there, was getting a bit fuzzy.  And he had some new tweezers.  

Ow. Ow. and Ow.  

Ok, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.   Just a little pinching. 

"Now turn over".

The miniblind rod caning was considerably worse than the hair plucking.

I was worked into a state of complete cunt-soaked, trembling sluttiness before he was ready for the sucking and fucking to begin. 

Another good night for us.  I am truly lucky to be so blessed, I know. 

Most submissive

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

The times I have have felt most submissive have not been in reaction to a physical position.  It has been because of something he said or did to me.  Saturday night was an example of that.  I think it was because I just felt so humbled and grateful to him for all that he does for me as my Master, and it made me feel like a groveling thing next to him.  I felt like a pup that is squirming on the ground and debasing itself before the Master.  I wasn't actually on the ground, I was in bed with him, but that is how I felt.

If I had to pick a physical position showing submission, I'd say this one:

I feel very comfortable and happy this way.  

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

French Toast Mind Fuck

 Heh, just messing with ya.   Really I have #20 of the Questions about submission today.

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

We never did the negotiation thing.  So, no, there has been no renegotiation of my submission, nor is there likely to be any.   To us it seemed very simple, if not easy.  I submitted, and that was it, he was in charge.  

As to the first question, yes there was definitely an increase in submission as we worked our way into a M/s relationship.   I never had a lot of external resistance, but I had to fight my way through the internal resistance.  

Many times when I did not get my way in something that was important to me I had to silently repeat a mantra to myself of "Just obey" or "I am patience" over and over just to keep myself from totally losing it.   I have noticed recently that I haven't had to use those mantras very often anymore, they are just naturally incorporated into me. 
No, I am not always patient.   But my impatience and resistance doesn't come in such overwhelming waves that it threatens to knock me ass over teakettle anymore. 

Monday, September 17, 2012


So we're sitting there, all cuddly and comfy on the couch, and he says to me:

"You know what I'm thinking about?" 

Already I'm worried.

"No, what are you thinking about." 

"How good these (squeezing my tits) would look with some nails through them."


Thanks Scott n Kaya.

Sunday, September 16, 2012


I don't know where that mood yesterday came from.  But thankfully it was temporary.   In order to try to change the scenery a bit (stop the kids from being so difficult) and give my Master some peace I took the kids downtown to the Polish Festival.   I didn't want to go.  I really, really didn't want to go because dealing with two kids who want to buy everything in sight and are already crabby with each other didn't seem to have much chance of lifting my bad mood.    But I went anyway, on the off chance I could eat some funnel cakes or something and life would magically be all better.

It didn't quite work that way, but close enough.   We listened to the accordion music, didn't go on the wagon rides but admired the draft horses, Belgians, I'm pretty sure, that were pulling them as we dodged out of their way.   We bought all sorts of unhealthy treats, including a pierogi for me, and pie and donuts for all of us.  There was an Amish tent and I picked up a pie in Master's favorite flavor ( strawberry rhubarb) to take home for later. 

When I got back home I still didn't feel great, I felt tired and sick, but at least it wasn't the "I hate everything" mood of doom and gloom anymore.

After the kids went to bed Master seemed to be in much better spirits and he was feeling a lot less sick.   He was very interested in doing stuff to me in fact.   Last night was so overwhelmingly emotional for me that I'm not sure when or if I will be able to put it into words here.   Or even if I want to.   I'll just say there was a lot of whackings with stuff for this slave, and I did find out that a dragon tail will break skin if it is well applied.    It was absolute bliss.

I woke up this morning with a heart full of song and practically dancing around the house.   Then there was bacon and coffee.   All is good in our world. 

Saturday, September 15, 2012

I hate everything.

I had to edit the title of the post for more accuracy.   Every now and then I think I may have approached the patience level of a normal adult, then a mood like this morning hits.  I feel a little stuffy headed.  My Master feels terrible.  The kids are fighting.  The dogs are barking.   I feel like I would rather strangle someone that submit gracefully or happily to anything.  I hate everything.
  I seriously need a long, hard tear- inducing beating.  I feel like it is the only chance of shifting this mood, and my Master just isn't up for it, too sick, not interested at all.  I snapped at him for standing in the doorway when I was trying to get the dogs to come in so they would stop barking- they come in, they go back out, and he's standing in the doorway preventing me from closing it when they come in.   I feel bad about that, but I also feel like snapping again.  It's just bad.  

Friday, September 14, 2012

Question 19- Social connection

Can I yell at the stupid computer now?  I had the blog almost done and the whole thing deleted itself and then immediately auto-saved the blank version.  

How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

My main social contact is my Master.  

I do look for friends and support on line, and enjoy reading the blogs and experiences of other people.    However, in the online world I find a lot more people who want to tear others down and tell people they are doing it wrong than I find support.   One has to have a bit of a thick skin to be in the online world and still have fun with it.  People tend to express their asshole tendencies more freely from behind their computer screens. 

We attend events/munches together sometimes.  Usually just one a month because of other responsibilities (kids).   We have a wonderful and amazing group of friends here in this state.  Twisted Tryst was an extreme immersion in the community, and if you have been reading along you know how much fun we had. 

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Question # 18 Just say it already

Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

 I have never been all that great at communicating my needs and desires.  This is the reason it took me so long to open up to him about my desire to be submissive.  Often I'm not even really in touch with what my needs and desires are, I just go around getting stuff done. 

  My Master sometimes tells me that he has to drag things out of me with 20- questions style interrogation.   It is my good luck that he cares and is willing to do that.   But I have been really working on this and think I'm getting better at communicating what I want.  That doesn't mean I will always get what I want, because it is still up to him, but at least he has everything that is floating around in my head available to him.   I am his and I do want to be transparent and open.  I'm just not always that good at it. 

A couple of sickies

Well, Master and I are a couple of sickies today.   I've been suffering a cold for a couple days and last night he came home tired and grumpy, saying his throat hurt.    I had managed to make a decent dinner and get it served, then washed the dishes, fed the dogs and went to bed straight after that.   Master got the kids put to bed on his own, lovely wonderful man that he is.  

I slept terribly, feeling all hot and fevered and constantly throwing covers around trying to get comfortable.  His sleep couldn't have been all that great with all my thrashing. 

In the morning I got up and stumbled downstairs for some cold medicine and coffee.   I made sausages and waited for his alarm to go off.   When I heard it I went back up to see if he wanted anything, trying to be a dutiful slave.  He said he felt awful and was going back to sleep.

I ate my sausages, made tea, drank my coffee and got the kids fed and packed off for school.    By then the coffee and meds had begun to kick in and I was feeling pretty reasonable.   Master came down and had his tea, but was not up for breakfast.  I brought him some medicine too.   

After an hour or so we were actually both feeling a lot better, and I was sitting at the laptop when he came up behind me and lifted me out of my seat with a tug on my hair.  I scrambled up and followed after him as he led me to the couch, bent me over it and fucked me, just briefly.   Then he wanted to get a blowjob while he watched porn.   Ok, not exactly what I wanted out of a Thursday sickie morning, but if it was what he wanted, I was eager to please him.  

He came down my throat and then held me in his lap and cuddled me. (Love!)  We took care of a few other things we wanted to do, then after a little while I asked him if I might have a bit of a beating.  He said he wanted to make me cum a bunch.  Then I think I did a happy dance.  Really, I didn't feel sick at all anymore :). 

We went up where the toys are, and he gave me a hard flogging, so much that I was feeling wobbly on my feet.  I held on to the dresser.   He caned me on the backs of my thighs, where it is so tender and good.   Then got the dragon tail and whipped me.   This left a few little marks, which are not so evident in my pictures but were pretty plain for me to see.   One really big one on my thigh too.

He gave me the Hitachi wand and true to his word, made me cum a bunch!  I have no idea how much, but it was wonderful.  Then he fucked me again and came all over me.  

Not bad for a couple of sickies!

We took a shower together, with its attendant rituals, and then went for some lunch out.   We did some shopping  at a new store downtown whose motto is "modern frippery"- I couldn't resist such an excellent motto (Master ok'd the purchase of a spiffy new purse!!) and he got a haircut.   

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

It means the same thing in that context that it does anywhere else.  If I trust someone it's because I believe what they tell me, and believe when they say they are going to do something they are going to do it.  

I trust my Master.  When he seriously tells me something, I know he means it.   He does joke a lot, and most of the time I can spot those coming and going. 

  I think it is a little strange when a new submissive or slave says "Oh, I've known him online for 3 weeks and he's just the best Master ever, and I trust him completely".   Three weeks?  Really?  

Sweetheart, deary, love.   

Trust is not some blind leap of faith that you throw out there just because it sounds wonderful.   

"You must trust your Master" is the biggest crock of horseshit I have read all week.    If he is trustworthy, you will know.   After you get to know him, after he has been trustworthy. Then you will know.    I couldn't say exactly when I began to trust my Master.  I know it was not an overnight thing, and I know I fully loved and worshipped him before I had complete trust.  Especially after the Mongol story, talk about a trust shaker, and right after we started dating.  I was 16, innocent as the driven slush.
  But even with that story, he was telling me who he really was, one who could be trusted to tell a great story while winking at the listener and hoping they would believe it.   Eventually I learned to see and hear the winks. 

The Mongol story: 

He said:  "Did you know the Mongols trained their horses to all poop only at night in one area so their enemies could not follow their trail?"

I replied "No, they didn't, nobody does that, that is so silly."

He says, "They really did, I was reading about the Mongols and archeologists using geosatellites actually can go out and find these giant piles of now buried horse excrement dotting the Mongolian steppes. The grass is even a different color over them because of the soil enrichment.  Those were the Mongols' night camps."

Me:  "Really?  That is kind of cool.  I wonder how they trained the horses like that."

Him (chuckling) "Yeah, really." 

Me:   "You *&^%, you're just teasing me, aren't you?"

Him:(now laughing)   No.  

Me:    "God dammit,  I hate you!"

Him: (hysterical laughing)

And that was the beginning of our beautiful courtship.   

Monday, September 10, 2012

Evolution of Submission, Ok, not really

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

This is covered pretty thoroughly in my first blog post "Beginnings".  

Which you can read HERE

and also in the second post "The next chapter".

Does anyone else notice how after I committed to answering all of the 30 Days Of Submission questions I am now weasling out of them?

No, you didn't notice?  Oh, good.

We have had a wonderful past four days.  Master finally got a couple days off work, and with the kids at school, well, we had two wonderful days together, then he went to play his game with friends on Saturday, and Sunday we had a lovely family outing.  

I would love to write a long and erotic story of our sex life, but at this point it all kind of blends together and I don't remember any details.   There was buttsex, and much other sex, so much that I'm entirely sore still.  

This morning we were snuggling in bed and he starts poking down there with his fingers.  "Ow" I say.   "Oh, are you too sore for this?" he says, still poking.   "Yes, I'm sore",  I reply.    "That must be why you are so dry".    Yeah, I guess so.   And Ouch. 

He got on top of me and contined stroking.  He made me cum so I was not so dry anymore, then he took me hard and fast.  I gasped a bit but after a minute the pleasure was taking over the soreness and I was responding back to him rather than trying to shrink into the mattress.   

He made me turn over and fucked me from behind.

"Come!"  he commanded.  I couldn't.   I said "Master, I can't".    Well, he knows how to fix that.   He covered my mouth and nose with one hand and wrenched my head back with his other hand in my hair.   He allowed a quick gasping breath, then stopped my ability to breath again.  More hard fucking.    One more quick breath, then no air.   And again.  "Come!"  I orgasmed so violently I just about threw him right off.   

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Sodomy n Cake, the unanswered question

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

Well, this question is not applicable to me at all so I'll have to come up with my own topic for the day.

Instead, lets talk about anal sex.  It's more interesting anyway.

Sodomy n cake

First read this link :).

Do not be fooled into thinking this is real and for truth serious website as I was at first, no matter how much they sound like what the religious rightwing fanatics in this country really do say.    Really and truly.  It is hard to believe for me too.   Christwire  is evidently a satire site.

I especially like this bit: 
The sodomized woman becomes totally unmarriable. She is a used object, not the pretty nice girl a guy wants to take home to mother. Once a woman submits to this arrangement, there is no going back. The man will demand anal activity again and again. The only answer is for the woman to avoid talking about the subject at all costs and if confronted with the idea directly, to say with complete authority: Never!  
See, even with the satire they are getting at some hint of truth.  My Master's parents always suspected I was not a "pretty nice girl" and instead was some wanton wench leading their son into temptation.  How right they were.   And about the again and again, no going back once he has tried anal-- this crazy website is right about that too!     However, they are dead wrong about the woman getting no sexual pleasure from it.  Just saying.   Oh, and being a "used object"-  totally panty-soaking hot!!!

Have a nice Sunday ya'll!  Wishing you as much cake and buttsex as your hearts desire.

Credit for inspiration for this post, and showing me the Christwire site goes to ropeslut_bells.  :)
This is her blog:
His Good Girl (TM)

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Question and Answer 13 and 14

Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Yes, this is the basis of where we started with dominance and submission, and continues to be a major feature of the relationship.   I can't say it is alway easy.  As much as I enjoy sex, there are times and places I don't want to be available, I want to be able to say "No, not now, not here, people are looking" or whatever reason I have.   This doesn't mean he is compromising our safety by having sex in public, but there are certain places and parties where you can be sexual in front of people and it is allowed.   My inhibitions don't always realize this, but because I have to, I'm getting over them.   Yes, I was fucked over a cooler in a campsite with all sorts of  (kinky) people standing around watching or walking or driving by.   Sometimes I think "Was that really me, did I really do that, who is this slutty woman anyway?" 

Having no limits on him is the basis for our Master/slave relationship, though, and I will and have held to that even when it has been difficult.  

At the same time as it was difficult, it was totally freaking hot. Closet exhibitionist maybe? 

 Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

For us, it has nothing at all to do with religion.  My Master is an atheist, and an outspoken one.  He'll debate religion or lack of religion at the drop of a hat, unafraid to go into that taboo topic at all if the other person is at all interested in discussing it.   
I believe in God, but do not follow any particular teachings or religion.  I'm somewhat of a Deist. 

I am familiar with religious based submission in Christianity and Islam.  It is just not part of our lives.

At the same time, before we were in any sort of dynamic, my Master used to tease me that we should become Baptists (or other fundamentalist religion) because that religion required wives to submit to their husbands.   It wasn't the religion he wanted, it was the willing submission part.

Question and Answer #11 and 12

Do you include service as part of your expectation of submission?

To begin with, I did not.  I thought this was going to be about the bedroom stuff, the hotness factor.  Turned out he had other ideas, in that "slave" actually meant slave, as in WORK, and he had a lot of expectations about what I was going to do.   I was brought to heel rather quickly on that issue.  So yes, service is definitely a part of my submission. 

Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and, if yes, how does it manifest itself?

This question had  me kind of confused.   I have heard of financial dominantion, and to me it meant simply taking advantage of a submissive's desire for control by a dominant, getting them to send a bunch of money as "domination tribute" or whatever.   

This applies not at all to us.  For a start, Master makes way, way, way more money than I do.  Secondly, we are married, so officially everything we have belongs to both of us.     But he does control what happens with our money to a large extent.   Other than routine things, such as groceries, clothes and supplies for the family, he makes those decisions.  Even to the point that if I'm planning to spend a lot on a present for him, I ask ahead of time, which doesn't leave much surprise. 

He takes care of the finances, pays the bills, balances the checkbook, all that good stuff. 


Bus throwing for fun and profit

Ok, there really is no profit in throwing one's fellow submissives and slaves under the bus.   It tends to make everyone hurt more in the end.   This is because of the number one rule, which is that the Dominants always win. 
 But it is fun, bus throwing,  and it always seems like a good idea at the time, whether it is done intentionally to deflect painful attention from myself, or unintentionally from passing comments that I tend to make all the time.

The basic principle here is that misery loves company.  And a bit of schadenfreude.

Another one under the bus

Walkin' Funny

Yes, I had THAT much fun while Master has been off work the last two days. Thank goodness he's going gaming today and I will have a chance to recover.

Friday, September 7, 2012

I get to shave!!!!

That is all.   He's tired of the fuzz.
Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission?
How do you feel about them?

Yes, he has rules, with "obey" being the most important.
Some other examples:  no country music if he's in the car (driving or riding).   Don't give out our phone number without permission.  Get the mail in every day.   There are a bunch of other ones, too, that have passed very much into my habits so I barely think of them as rules anymore.
I feel they are important in that they let me know what he expects from me.    If he took away all the rules and structure I would feel more than a little loss.

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships?
How do you feel about BDSM?
Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Yes, BDSM is a very important and enjoyable part of our relationship.   I like it very much, and even at the times when I'm not actually liking it, I still crave it.  
Bondage- yes, absolutely wonderful!  Discipline- very much required from me.   Domination- this is the stuff.   S/M-  I really get off on a bit of this.  I'm not into huge amounts of pain, and he's not really a sadist (well, maybe a bit), but yeah, we both really enjoy it. 

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Question and Answer: #7 and 8

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission?

Yes, I do.  I feel that my giving up power and submitting to him is only half of the way there to a power exchange relationship.  By taking control and enforcing discipline, and even giving out punishments, he makes this work for both of us.   If I did not feel he would back up his rules, I can see myself letting things slide, feeling lost at sea and unsure of my place and responsibilities.   I might get to feeling "meh, whatever" instead of "I have to do this". 

How do you feel about it?

I feel it is necessary for us.   When I have done something wrong, and it is honestly not often that I  break a rule and deserve punishment, I feel very guilty and have a hard time letting go of  the guilt without him taking steps to make me let go of it. 

Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission?

Why or why not?

This one is a bit tricky.  Spanking is for fun. I love it.  I crave it.  Yes, it makes me feel submissive, but it also makes me extremely hot.  I would by preference have some kind of spanking/flogging/beating/whipping every day.  It puts me in a great place, and gives me what I crave.  It is like sex to me.   Of course, the when and how and what of this is up to my Master, so sometimes I do not get what I want, and this is good for my mind also.  I have a hard time with patience, and patience is a big part of being a slave.

I don't act up to get spankings.  This wouldn't work because he knows how I love them and is smart enough not to reward bad behavior with "funishment".  
  Actual punishment can be physical, but it is mostly mental, and it is from a totally different headspace and it not something I ever wish for or attempt to bring upon myself.   

Movie or porn?

"Movie or porn?" was his question to me last night.

"Whatever you want, Master".  Really the only acceptable answer.

"Make us some popcorn, we're going to watch Logan's Run.  At least until I remember what a bad movie it is".  

I love the bad movies- it means I don't miss out on anything important when he starts "distracting" me halfway through them.  Unless they are zombie or horror movies, those put me right out of the mood and I want to run off and hide.    Just as a small aside, he's really looking forward to getting Cabin in the Woods and making me watch it.

We watched the movie, and he had a good old time tweaking and pinching my nipples, making me squirm, and getting me covered with salty, buttery, popcorny goodness.   He laid me over his lap and found me extremely wet.   One finger went into each hole, then his other hand wrapped around my mouth and he bent me backwards, making my back arch.  Then his grip shifted to my hair and he pulled my head back and made me cum.   Several times. 

We did not make it to the end of the movie, but zipped off upstairs to fuck.   I had the collar and leash on then and every time I got close to orgasm, he'd pull the leash up tight and send me right over the edge. 

I'm so glad he picked the movie.  Actually, it would have been about the same with the porn.  Either way, a great time. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012


Some people say they have a hard time finding the motivation they need to get housework done. 

I have all the motivation I need. 

Motivation One

Motivation Two

Motivation Three

Not My Own Body, or, Attack of the Pit Hair

Before camp, Master decided I was to stop shaving my armpits.   I have been shaving them ever since any hair started growing there, but from a combination of wanting to see what it will be like, and wanting to control every part of his slave, he told me to stop.    I moaned and groaned a tiny bit, but ended with "Whatever you want, Master".  As usual.   And not sarcastic.  At all.  Really. 

For camp, because of all the other people who might not want to see and would be subjected to fluffy armpits, I got a reprieve, but as soon as we got back shaving them was on the proscribed list.   Shaving everywhere else is still required.  

I have to say, as much as I don't care much for the hair, being out of control of my body, giving it over to him to make all the decisions, is undeniably hot n sexy to me.   So grow on, you pit hairs.    This is what slavery is all about.  Right?  Right?   Echoing silence.  

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Dragon Tails

Dragon tail whip

A couple of marks on my back from last night
"Are you ready for a little light flogging before bed?" Master asked me last night.  Obviously rhetorical, since I am always ready for pre-bed smackings.    Flogging turned into whipping soon enough.   And ohhhh, it was good.  Stingy enough to make me hop and dance around, but good.  

 Afterward I lay in bed and started getting a tingling in my back, then it went with a rush to my brain and I felt quite high.   I could feel the happy chemicals bathing my brain.  I told Master I was getting a delayed rush, and wondered aloud how anyone could not enjoy this stuff.
"Mmmhmmm" he said sleepily. 
"Thank you, Master".  
"Go to sleep, slave". 

A happy conclusion to a very enjoyable day.  

Question/Answer 5 and 6

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you?

It has been a little over a year, so fairly new, but no longer brand new.  I think we have lived pretty thoroughly in the last year, that is, I think we have come a long way together.

Have you been in more than one D/s relationship?

No, actually, in my whole life I have only been in one serious romantic relationship.  Master and I started dating when I was 16 and he was 18.  Before that I had one not-very-serious boyfriend. 

How were they the same? How were they different?

I have no comparisons.

 What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

We are two unique individuals, and how we approach this is going to be different than how others conduct their relationships.    Some things about us:  we have a strong sense of humor that tends to infect every part of our lives.  We believe in work and duty coming first before fun (well, he believes this more than I do, and I have to go along with it).    We get along incredibly well when he makes the decisions and I follow them.   I enjoy harmony, and hate making decisions.  He is very decisive, and likes to be in charge.  His leadership style includes asking for input and opinions from me, but he makes the final decisions.   I sometimes think our entire relationship, vanilla and equal as it seemed at the time, was more based in something of an unacknowledged  D/s format than I want to admit.  I was just always fighting back against it.   Sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much.  

What do you feel are the roots of your submission?

This is one of those unanswerables that drives me crazy.  I have no idea, and endless speculations have not led me anywhere near an answer.  

Do you think it has something to do with childhood?

I don't think so.  If anything, this is just how I am.  Or how I have become over time.  Oh heck, I don't know.

Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline?

I'm thinking the answer is probably not.  We are not primarily about discipline.  My Master has not that much interest in punishing me for real.   When it has to be done, he does it, because I need it, but it is not something he enjoys. 

 Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

It absolutely is about the sexual thrill, for both of us.  Yes!   Submitting, and being forced to submit,  gives me a thrill, and power does the same for him.  Months ago I asked him what his favorite thing about having a Master/slave relationship was and his answer was "Bending you to my will". 

The big question for me is how did we get by with only vanilla for so long?

Who am I anyway?

Monday morning, Labor Day, I got up bright and early as usual, and went to check on the computer stuff while drinking my coffee.   A little later, Master came down and told me to make some pancakes, so I hopped up and went cheerfully and unsuspectingly off to make breakfast. 

Midway through the making of the pancakes, I hear uproarious laughter coming from in by the computer.  I run over to see what is so funny.  He has changed my Fetlife profile name to SluttyWaffleTwat, and is the process of writing a note on my profile explaining the new name.   You know, just because I thought it was hilarious that someone else's Master went in and changed her name to be punitive (or amusing) doesn't really mean that I wanted my name changed.  

Master had been saying he wanted to change my name for a while, but I really did think he was just joking about that.   I also had been thinking he was joking about getting me branded "Property of..." but now I'm just not so sure about that either.    0_o

 The name can't be changed again for 28 days because of site rules.   He is also taking bids on the right to choose the next new name. 

Last night came in here with "that" look. "You're not going to like what I'm going to change your avatar pic to later this week", he says. "You will be making waffles." I got a chill. Then I flapped off into denial land, la la la.   I sure do like waffles. 

Monday, September 3, 2012

Question and Answer #3 and #4

How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive?

This was something I never really thought about doing before.  I didn't know I wanted it, I didn't admit to myself that I would be able to accept or enjoy it, other than the occasional role play/tied up during sex thing that we have been doing for a long time 

How do you feel when you express your submission?

I feel good, safe, comfortable, sexually turned on, just all around happy.    It makes me hot, is the simple answer. 

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time?

No, I am not a dominant person in general.
I have never sought out positions of power or leadership in any part of my life.   The only time I feel a bit dominant is while training dogs, if I have to.   I can dominate dogs- wooo- hoooo!  But that's about it.   I generally train the dogs through positive reinforcement, but that doesn't get the job done in every case.

If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over?

I don't consider us "domestic discipline" really.  We are Master/slave.   No, I don't control anything except with his direction or permission.    He may allow me to do many things on my own, or make some decisions, but any of them are within his right to over turn or revoke at any time.  

Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms?

No, I have no desire to switch with anyone and be the top rather than the bottom in terms of playing or scening.   I have been in scenes with other people besides my Master, since he allows and encourages me to do this, and have always been the bottom.  I don't have any desire to be anything else.  
If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

It is not for me because the thought of doing it, of being the inflicter, makes me feel bad.  Almost sick to my stomach bad.  Nothing about switching roles turns me on.  Everything about being beat/whipped/tied up turns me on.  

10 Things by 10:30

This is a continuation of yesterday's journal, where I promised to write down 10 ways in which I was seen, noticed or appreciated.

1. Hug attack from the little kid
2. Little kid telling me about his exploding guitar guy (this was him pretending to be that)
3. A good morning hug from Master
4. Master told me to make him espresso
5. Then he sang U2 songs to me (With or Without You and All I Want Is You)
6. Butterfly kisses from the little kid
7. Some alone time: Master squeezed my tits
8. And had me show him my cunt.
9. He told me to make some tea.
10. Talked about this (Sept.2) being the anniversary of our first date (25 years ago). We had gone to see the Monkees, with Weird Al opening for them.

Sunday, September 2, 2012


Some days I feel invisible, ghosting around the house unseen, making food, washing up, bringing drinks, cleaning up messes. 

I learned about being invisible, or at least unseen, in grade school when it was the safest thing for someone who was small, wimpy, different and often oddly dressed.   It is possible to dampen body language,  to the point where one is almost not there at all.   I don't do it consciously.   I don't even notice I'm doing it until later I wonder if I am really there at all.

We seemed like we were disconnected yesterday, in the same house but not really together. 

Until last night.  There is something about my Master's belt heavily applied to my ass that brings physicality back into focus.  It says "I see you there, naked thing with raised welts".    I cried, not from pain but from mourning a lost day.  A day lost to invisibility and disconnection.  

And I made a resolution last night.  Today I will write down 10 times when I am seen, noticed or appreciated.  As a reminder to myself that I am.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Question and Answer #2

Describe who you might submit to and how.
Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom?
Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life?
Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

This set of questions is pretty simple to answer for me.  I am only submissive to my Master, but am submissive in all of me, in all areas of life, to him.  We did try the bedroom only submission for a short while, but it just didn't work for either of us.  He wanted to tell me to wash dishes and not get any lip back.   I felt confused and unsure about when to be submissive and when I didn't have to be.    So very quickly it began to encompass everything from the BIG decisions to the tiny little ones.   It feels more natural and comfortable, more black and white that way.  

Outside of my relationship with my Master I am generally an easy going and agreeable person, and hardly ever will take a leadership role on a project or at work.   So, I guess that could be a sign of submissiveness, but with other people it only goes up to a point, then they will run into a wall of stubbornness like a fortress.   I am not a push over, and I have no problem saying no and meaning it.  

Question and Answer #1

I'm stealing, er, borrowing, this idea from Masterswildfilly on Fetlife.  
This it the location she has been posting questions daily and will for 30 days.

It is called 30 days of submission and is meant to get more of an in depth knowledge of myself and also to share with others who may be interested. 

Not every slave also identifies as submissive, but I think I am both submissive in nature and a slave, as I belong to my Master.  

Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label?

Not really, I just call it submission.  To me, it just means submitting to what he wants.  It doesn't have anything to with my other relationships outside of Master and myself.   It doesn't mean I will submit to anyone else.  I chose to submit to him and that was my choice to make.    It doesn't even mean I am always graceful and unresistant.   But that is my goal and what I work towards.   Since I have years of practice at being stubborn and contrary, sometimes this is hard work for me. 

Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination?

It is definitely Master/slave.    We started out more as Dominant/submissive, but somewhere along the way he decided I was his slave, and I was owned completely, and that has how it has been.   Another term that I use less commonly is Owner/property, which to me means about the same thing.   A slave is property and my Master is also my Owner. 

Just a little update

I'm still doing the weight watchers program, and am down a total of 6 lbs, 4 of which of course were the first week.   I am fitting into...