What Do You Do When You Can't

What do you do when you can't wait any longer?

Take matters into your own hands.  At least I did.  

I was thinking how long it has been since I've worn these:   

October?  August?  Not really sure.  But anyway, today I decided that this huge empty pit inside me that makes feel unsatisfied by ordinary things, or even fun things, and lately cannot be filled with sex, or food, or Him, or kink is just going to have to be filled by myself.  Not long after I came to that realization, and before I have thought of exactly what that means, I decided that if I wanted to be bound so bad I'd just do it myself.  I put on my collar, and ankle and wrist cuffs, and the leash, and tied them all together and just lay on the floor.  I didn't even feel sexy at all, just comfortable.  Then I shuffled around the house that way for a while and took some pictures.  It feels nice.  I might wear the cuffs to the store, underneath my heavy coat.  

I don't know what Master is going to say about all this, but I hope he doesn't mind too much.  Or else I hope he beats me for being naughty (unlikely).  

The Universe and Me

So, Master normally gets 1/2 a Wednesday off per month.   That was supposed to be today. So we had scheduled a playdate.  Then the schools decided to cancel because of cold weather.  It is cold here, and I guess some parents would make their kids walk to school at -35F (windchill) because they are idiots. 

So the kids are home.  Playdate is cancelled, but I'll still get to see him early, right?    Then I got a call from him saying they have him scheduled all afternoon so he doesn't get the time off anyway.  

Also, the dog ate one of the kid's new Christmas toys, Mr. Flufflebun the hamster (toy hamster).  

 

Used holes

Last night we were lying in bed snuggling to keep warm, and I asked if I could suck him.  He said yes, so I burrowed down under the covers and enjoyed myself with him in my mouth.  I love the pleasure groans he makes when I'm doing it really well.   After a bit he pulled me up to the head of the bed and slid between my legs.  He fucked me hard and fast until he came.  I was happily his used holes as I felt his come drip from me.




As he was recuperating, he looked down at me with a grin and said "I really have the urge to hit you right now".  I looked back expectantly, wondering where it would be.



"Turn your face this way" he positioned my face the way he wanted and I closed my eyes and gripped onto the sheet.  Wham! His fist crashed into the pillow next to my head!   Just as I spent a second wondering "What the....?"  A hard slap caught me on my cheek.  "Come!" he commanded, and I did.

Cold cold cold

It is cold as fuck here.  

That's all.   

Demo Munch

Yesterday was our monthly munch, and since our leader Mystique was sick, she put Master in charge of leading the group, with me as his helper.  It didn't take much this time, mostly a willingness to talk in front of a group (which I don't have- I have stage fright about speaking).  Master had fun with it though.  He used me as his prop.  (I got introduced as a thing!  Hot! I know, I'm weird).

 It was a show and tell munch, so he talked about how he trained me to orgasm on command, and he demo'd that.  Let me tell you, I don't know that anything beats the humiliation of everyone watching that!  Gaaaah!  Ok, some things are worse, but I did want to hide behind him.  He didn't let me.  

It was fun though.  A bunch of other people demo'd their favorite kinky things as well.

We went to dinner with the group afterward, and then later at home Master hit me with his belt, and fucked me, doggy style, one hand on my collar tight held and spanking me with the other.  After that, he beat on me for a long time using only the misery stick. 

 He did the ladder trick - you know that one, right?

That is where he starts at one, then does one, two (each number gets a whack) then one, two, three, and so on up the ladder.  He told me we were going all the way up to twenty on the ladder.  Then once you are at the top of the ladder, you have to climb back down. 

  It hurt pretty good, especially when he beat my calves.   I was wondering why in the world I'd ever asked for a spanking (I did!) until afterward when I was flying high, and then I remembered why. 

Waking Up In the New Year

It was morning of the New Year.  I could definitely see some light breaking in the windows.   I know the rule is to never wake Master up, but I was filled with wantonness.  There was also angst (see previous post), but mostly wantonness. 

And besides, it was morning.  Technically.

  I'd tried everything I could think of the night before, flirtation- wise, and he deliberately avoided or ignored my every effort.   "Down, girl".  Sigh.

  This was our New Years Eve:  eat at the Golden Corral with Mystique and hasufel, watch some Orange is the New Black at her place, barely make it awake until midnight and then go to sleep. 

Yeah, we're old, so what, it was a good time. I always enjoy seeing them, and this was a special occasion. 

Round about midnight, the junction between 2014 and 2015, I was kneeling in our room waiting for Master to come up. 

He came in, gave me a little kiss and told me to get in bed.  I climbed under the electric blanket, all nice and pre-heated by me.  He climbed in, we luxuriated about the warmth of it.  I rubbed and pressed against him.  I stroked him.  He got hard.  Then he told me that's enough, go to bed.

Why?  Oh, yeah.  Because I'm his slave.  I'm here for his desires and not the other way around.  I reminded myself of this mantra for about the tenth or hundredth time that night. 

Of course I woke up just as horny as the night before.   So, back to the breaking light.  I didn't think it was just the moon.  It had to be morning.  I pressed up against my Master, rubbing, stroking, sending him my desperate thoughts by osmosis.   Mind waves... your slave is horny, please please please don't say "Down, girl" again.   I was taking a chance on being corrected for waking him... but it WAS morning. 

He threw back the covers and shoved my head down to his cock.  Turns out he was just as awake as I was.  Praise jebus and hallelujah!  I sucked that fucker in hard.    He thrust his hips up to meet me, filling my throat, taking my air.  Who needs air when you have cock?   

He pushed me down on my back then and said he had four things for me to do:
1.  Get a blanket (absorption)
2.  Go use the bathroom
3.  Get the Hitachi
4.  Put my butt plug in

I rushed around doing those things, and hooo boy that butt plug was cold.  I didn't want to keep him waiting while I warmed it, so I just shoved it on in.  I think our bedroom was about 50 degrees this morning.  That may be an exaggeration, but it was COLD.  He took me immediately and even he could feel the coldness of the plug, through my ass walls on his dick.  I barely noticed though, I was so excited, and after a minute it was all warmed up anyway.  

I believe somewhere in there was a slap of 10,000 exploding suns.  I had the Hitachi, he was fucking me hard, he slapped me so my head rang and my eyes were filled with the exploding suns of light and caused monstrous orgasms.   

I was sore and wrung out by the time he was done fucking, but he wasn't done quite with the paddle.  I was propped up, ass in the air for a hard set of blows, then another orgasm.  

After that we went back to sleep for a few more hours - we finally rolled out of bed at 10:30.  I made pancakes and bacon for breakfast, washed up and then wrote the blog. Most of the angst was already gone by then. Serving him will do that.   Then he read what I wrote and dragged me right back upstairs and fucked my ass for a LONG time.  Since he'd already come once, hours before, he lasted and lasted.  And some more.  I didn't scream at all, I couldn't, just bit down on my pillow.  I really loved it.  

 I went with him to buy a new dishwasher, all sore-assed and well fucked, pissed on and washed clean (in body anyway) and every trace of my angst is gone.   I felt all self conscious at the store, like people could peer into my mind and see what we'd be up to, so I avoided looking at anyone except Master.  

This was much better than any New Year's brunch.  

While I cooked dinner he wanted me to read him The Miller's Tale (Chaucer) so I did.  Such a naughty one!   

Slave Angst

Master said a while ago, that I need to write a slave angst post every now and then.  He wasn't meaning that he WANTS me to write them, just that I seem to have these moments every now and then and it is ok if I get them out in writing.  Also, he doesn't want anyone to think my life is all sunshine and unicorn flavored rainbows.  

This time my angst was about his teasing.  He loves to tease me, about most anything, whatever he thinks will get the most rise out of me.  If he can tell I feel like kicking him in the shins, then he's accomplished his aim.  I consider it part of my role to put up with it.  Master would not be himself if he wasn't teasing.  If he's teasing, he's in a good mood, so usually I just laugh along.  Or glare and threaten to kick him.  Then he laughs.

However, when he touches on certain subjects, it makes me feel bad.  Like when he teases me that I'm actually the one with the power here.  That he's just doing it all for me.  That he's really not into this.   It makes me feel like I'm failing.  Like somehow if I were a better slave, more submissive, he wouldn't have to tease me about that.   I rack my brain for any episodes recently when I might have seemed too forward or demanding or lacking in submissiveness. 

The words of subjugation, of oppression, of control and Mastery are the juiciness of slavery?  The stuff I live for?   

Well, when he teases me like that, when he says the opposite sorts of things, it sucks away my juiciness.  It leaves me half hollow, pierced, popped like a balloon and deflated, trying to prop myself up by telling myself "He doesn't mean it, he's just teasing, of course you have none of the power here."  In order to prop myself up again, I point out to myself several recent examples when if I really had any control, things would have gone very, very differently.   I use this as a prop to retain some of the juiciness for myself before I become hard and bitter.    

Even though I know he's not serious and I know that what I'm feeling is silly (because he tells me "Don't be silly, of course you are not in charge here".)   It doesn't matter if I feel silly feeling that way, I'm still feeling it.  I can't just vanish feelings, can I?   I have to have them talked away, either by myself or by him.   

But how much easier and nicer would it be (for me) if he just didn't say those things?

And then there is the thought creeping in that since this would not be the first time I've said I didn't like that sort of teasing, and so he knows it makes me feel bad and he still does it, how much much power do I think I have, really?   That gives me a helpless feeling.  Then the helpless feeling turns to a minor subjugation, a little degradation, which comes to me like a small reassurance.  

Not as much as if he'd gripped my hair and said "You have no power.  You control nothing.  You are my slave".   But still something.  

So there is my slave angst of the week.  

Master read what I wrote before I published it here, after I asked him to read it to make sure it was all right and he thought it was "cute and funny".   Just so. I guess. 

However, nothing gets rid of slave angst quite like being dragged upstairs for forceful surprise ass sex.