Master said a while ago, that I need to write a slave angst post every now and then. He wasn't meaning that he WANTS me to write them, just that I seem to have these moments every now and then and it is ok if I get them out in writing. Also, he doesn't want anyone to think my life is all sunshine and unicorn flavored rainbows.
This time my angst was about his teasing. He loves to tease me, about most anything, whatever he thinks will get the most rise out of me. If he can tell I feel like kicking him in the shins, then he's accomplished his aim. I consider it part of my role to put up with it. Master would not be himself if he wasn't teasing. If he's teasing, he's in a good mood, so usually I just laugh along. Or glare and threaten to kick him. Then he laughs.
However, when he touches on certain subjects, it makes me feel bad. Like when he teases me that I'm actually the one with the power here. That he's just doing it all for me. That he's really not into this. It makes me feel like I'm failing. Like somehow if I were a better slave, more submissive, he wouldn't have to tease me about that. I rack my brain for any episodes recently when I might have seemed too forward or demanding or lacking in submissiveness.
The words of subjugation, of oppression, of control and Mastery are the juiciness of slavery? The stuff I live for?
Well, when he teases me like that, when he says the opposite sorts of things, it sucks away my juiciness. It leaves me half hollow, pierced, popped like a balloon and deflated, trying to prop myself up by telling myself "He doesn't mean it, he's just teasing, of course you have none of the power here." In order to prop myself up again, I point out to myself several recent examples when if I really had any control, things would have gone very, very differently. I use this as a prop to retain some of the juiciness for myself before I become hard and bitter.
Even though I know he's not serious and I know that what I'm feeling is silly (because he tells me "Don't be silly, of course you are not in charge here".) It doesn't matter if I feel silly feeling that way, I'm still feeling it. I can't just vanish feelings, can I? I have to have them talked away, either by myself or by him.
But how much easier and nicer would it be (for me) if he just didn't say those things?
And then there is the thought creeping in that since this would not be the first time I've said I didn't like that sort of teasing, and so he knows it makes me feel bad and he still does it, how much much power do I think I have, really? That gives me a helpless feeling. Then the helpless feeling turns to a minor subjugation, a little degradation, which comes to me like a small reassurance.
Not as much as if he'd gripped my hair and said "You have no power. You control nothing. You are my slave". But still something.
So there is my slave angst of the week.
Master read what I wrote before I published it here, after I asked him to read it to make sure it was all right and he thought it was "cute and funny". Just so. I guess.
However, nothing gets rid of slave angst quite like being dragged upstairs for forceful surprise ass sex.
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