Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Transforming a Long Time Relationship

There was a question about the challenges of transforming an existing relationship in a M/s group on Fet., and I thought it might make good blog reading, so here is my answer, with a few details added:  

Master and I started dating in 1987.  We married in 1993.  We started up a D/s relationship in 2011, so that is a lot of time and practice we had in being vanilla together.    We had to figure all this new stuff out together and much of it was really fun.  

However, there were challenges as well. My most prominent issue in the beginning was that I wasn't sure he would want to continue down this path. I was frequently scared/nervous/paranoid that he'd just say "Nah, nevermind, it's not for me," because we'd been vanilla for so long and that was ok for us too.  I knew that I didn't have to be submissive and he wasn't an obligatory dominant, as in "born this way".  This led to a lot of hamster wheeling insecurity on my part.

 At the same time, unknown to me, he thought I might tire of it quickly, especially of always having to obey and do things I didn't like.  He really LIKED (and still does) having me willing to do anything for him, at any time.  Sometimes especially the things he knows I don't like. 

The more we did, the more control he took over, the better we both liked it. It took a while for us both to really settle down about that and be confident in each other's desires. He didn't tell me his doubts until much later, but I told him mine fairly soon after experiencing them. 

Some other issues:
 
I had terrible communication habits, one of them being that I really just didn't communicate when I was really upset. I'd feel like my voice was strangled off by strong emotion and I'd deny everything. Writing came in handy there, and also that he just refused to let me say "Nothing's wrong, never mind, I'm fine" when I obviously wasn't. He'd press me in a corner and just stand there looking at me until I finally came out with it. Yikes.

In a simpler matter, that of just obedience, there were times when I fell down on it.  For example, the first time he told me to do the dishes and I didn't think it was my turn.  I said no.  He punished me and I felt bad, apolgized and did better the next time.  Now, it is always my turn to do the dishes, and I feel that is right:  I'm the slave.  

There were other times when I thought I needed punishment and he didn't, and those were honestly the worst for me to get over, just to accept that it was ALWAYS his decision.   There was a lot of frustration and hamster wheeling over that and other things. Our nightly ritual helps me feel accountable for anything I might have missed or done wrong during the day, without making more work for him (he doesn't have to keep track, I have to keep track and report to him).  I'm not saying he doesn't pay attention, but I have more time to pay MORE attention to these things than he does. 

There were times when I argued about his decisions, in the way that I had always done, and he had to bring me down with a verbal slap (not usually an actual slap- but sometimes that came later).

There were times he worried that he wasn't good enough at this, and the same for me. We did a lot of communicating, and still do, to make sure that the things we do are good for each other.

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