In an effort to make my slavery a more contented and peaceful place overall, I have been working on repeating several mantras for about the last week and a half. These are little sayings that I repeat to myself when discontent comes into my mind.
First off, I still have "peon" written on my arm. When it starts to fade I refresh it. I was a bit surprised that no one, not my mom, not people at the munch, not any of the friends we saw in Las Vegas, asked me why I had that written on my arm, or even commented on it. This is good, because I didn't really have any satisfactory vanilla-friendly explanation for it.
Peon is short hand for "You don't have as much influence around here as you think you do", so every time I look at it, that is what I remember. It is comforting, actually, rather than oppressive. Because as a slave I do not want to be in control, and do not want to have influence with my various moods over what Master does. I want to feel secure in my place as a peon, and this word helps me do that with its constant shorthand reminder.
We have actually been playing a lot lately. I thought there might be a lull, what with returning from vacation and everything, but Friday night was very intense. Then Saturday we did nothing at all together- Master was gone all day, I was gone for the evening and then we went to bed early.
Sunday was a day full of stolen moments. It seemed like neither of us could get enough of each other. It was all quick and here and there, but it seemed like we were on high arousal all day.
At night we were all excited to watch the second season of Game of Thrones which he just bought. But the remote was no where to be found. All Master's bad mood from before came roaring back, and even though I knew it had nothing to do with me I started to feel the weight of it pressing me down. It didn't make me angry or resentful, it made me feel like curling up inside myself like an armadillo with only a hard shell on the outside. I wanted to actually and emotionally protect myself. Distance, I thought, I want to be somewhere else, somewhere hidden. Instead, I had my obedience. I followed his orders, whether that was "Look for the remote", "Come over here", "Stand up", "Get me some water", "Cuddle up to me". It was all orders, all in the same gruff tone, and I just obeyed, the whole time feeling like the armadillo who wanted to curl up and hide but couldn't.
As the movie went on, Master pinched my nipples, spread my legs and slapped my cunt. I started feeling my shell dropping. Whenever I moved my hands down that direction, whether I meant to fondle myself or to try to cover and protect, he'd slap my stomach or thighs hard and repeat "Keep your hands outta there". I was flattening, opening, feeling that pressure of submission against my heart. I don't know if I'm explaining this at all well, but it is a good, comforting, lowering feeling. Instead of the armadillo I was the pup who rolls over to expose all in perfect trust that the dominant animal will see her submission and not harm her. It was in my heart, in my chest and just overwhelming me.
My other mantras, which I really didn't get to because I got side tracked by the emotions of last night.
-I am here for his pleasure, for his desires.
-Things will be done on his timeline.
-M/s is not the same as play, and by confusing them I will only set myself up for heartaches.
I have one more to add, that Master gave me:
-I am a good slave and my Master loves me.
M/s is everything of our lives, from accepting his orders as law, to bringing him tea, to rubbing his back or his feet, to making breakfast and helping kids with homework. It doesn't matter which of those I'm doing, every single action makes up our lives as Master and slave. Play and sex is just a part of that, not the whole thing. I would do well to remember that.
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