The main point I was trying to make yesterday was not that self control is domming yourself. I guess I didn't state clearly enough that it would not be satisfying to me, or to most people who have a desire to be a submissive or slave.
Self control is not the point for me, it is the interaction with him, the connection, the feeling of being controlled BY HIM that makes me content to be his slave.
I was trying to say that the relationship will take both M and s working at it, otherwise, it is going to fall down or be be ultimately unsatisfying. That doesn't mean the Master has to dominate exactly how the s-type wants. That situation would put him out of the control seat. He (or she) will do it their own way. Perhaps he (I'm going to skip the she- please take it as implied if that is your dynamic- it goes for both) prefers a laid back macromanagement style rather than being on top of every little thing. He gets to decide if there is going to be punishment or not. But doing it his own way still means doing something.
The question I think in kaya's mind is "What if he's not?" Then what? What if she has talked to him,and said explicitly "I'm not feeling controlled. You don't seem to care. What you are doing is not working for me" and his response is something along the lines of "Suck it up, slave, I think things are going fine." Does she rebel? Does she say "Stuff it up your ass, Mr."? If she can't do those things, actually can't, because the programing to be a slave is too strongly ingrained, well, to me that pretty much says she actually is being controlled, maybe not the way she wants, but definitely the way HE wants.
Please correct me if I'm reading this wrong or applying it too personally.
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Well I can't say "Stuff it, we're doing it my way" but what I can (and do) say is "Well... I'll keep doing it your way but then don't get mad at me if you're not getting the results you want." He *can* do what he wants but I can't fix how it affects me, unless he trains me that way.
ReplyDeleteI'm not always convinced they quite understand the depth of their power.
I'm not sure they do either. But they haven't been where we are, and they don't have all the mind reading abilities either. I think I have said very similar things at times. Such as "My head is getting all broken-y- I don't think this is the result you were wanting. To feel right again, I need...." and so on. That was more common for me in the beginning.
DeleteI agree it is all about the connection, its why I could never do the whole online thing. I couldn't dom myself because it would be completely lacking. If i feel my needs aren't being met i know I can talk to Mr Hyde and he will take on board what i say. I might not get it when and how i want it, but he will take it on board. I just have to be patient and accept his control. I'm not always as good at this as I'd like to be.
ReplyDeleteI feel that way also.
DeleteReally interesting post.
ReplyDeleteI went back and read yesterday's post and I think your point was made very well.
But I do think self-control does play into the M/s dynamic on both sides, a great deal.
Sometimes, I don't *like* doing all that is asked of me.
And I can't control what is being asked of me because I decided to give over control to H.
But I do strive to control how it makes me feel (I might feel pissy or pouty about it but I try not to give in to those feelings and act on them because that's going against the grain) however, it is up to me to get myself on board with what H is asking.
Yes, yes and yes! There is a TON of self control that goes into this submission/slavery thing. But it is not self control for my/its own sake, it is self control in service to him.
DeleteYou make a good point that it's not self control for its own sake but in service to him. Does submitting sometimes when it is difficult for you make you feel more submissive or frustrated.
ReplyDeleteFD
It depends- sometimes a little of both. If what I'm submitting to is something like going to bed when I'm not sleepy, it can be frustrating. But eventually, submitting does make me happy and feel successful. And submissive, of course.
DeleteI have been brooding ok overthinking about this post since the one before, and honestly i think you explained it really well the first time, there needs to be ab element of self control i think in order for the dynamic to run smoothly, better i think to have active submission rather than passive likewise in dominance.
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I am going Thursday the same thing I sometimes don't feel as if he is controlling me enfough
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