Kaya's blog gave me the inspiration to write about this topic, since my own day today has been uninteresting. It is not exactly a response to her writing, but more a journey through my own experiences.
Can one dominate oneself? I guess it depends on what exactly that means. In a flip, glib way, I could say that if I'm craving a piece of cake, but there is no rule against cake, and I can resist temptation and not eat it, I could say I'm "domming myself" or mastering my impulses. Really it is just the self control that most of us have. I have less than most. If there is cake, I eat it. Heh. But I do have it sometimes. I did not get interested in being a slave or sub to have my self control enhanced. That didn't enter my mind at all, which is a good thing, I guess, because that only occasionally appears on my Master's radar as something he's interested in doing.
This is not the sort of dominating (self domming) that lead me to want submission and slavery. There is nothing interesting at all about not eating cake because it's not good for me. Boring. Boring. Boring. I'd rather have cake.
It is all about the interaction between the two of us.
Relationships take two people to work. In a M/s relationship, one has to dominate and the other submit. If the dominant doesn't do anything, doesn't take control, merely floats along 'whee dee dee', well, they are just not doing their part.
The dominant has to step up to the plate, in my opinion, or it just isn't going to work as a D/s or M/s relationship.
The same for the other side. I will not to divest the s-type of responsibility. If the slave or sub isn't submitting, isn't obeying, well, they are not doing their part. It takes two.
Exactly HOW all this plays out in a relationship varies as much as people are different from each other. Early on in our relationship I thought this would be a huge problem for me. If he wasn't yanking me by the hair every other minute, hitting me and forcing me to do things, I felt a lack of being dominated. Then I saw that I was just wanting titillation at all times. More experienced slaves were always saying these same things to other newbies, that it is not about your wet bits. It is about being the slave that he wants.
I don't feel I am domming myself if I get off my comfy chair and make him breakfast before he has to speak sternly to me. And he's sure not going to physically correct me in front of the kids. I feel like I'm being the slave he wants, even if I'm not in the mood. I'm pleasing him instead of myself.
He enjoys the more direct physical/mental acts of domination, and I need them, but I only need a little bit of patience to receive those on his schedule instead of mine. As soon as I start thinking "I don't NEED such and such...I can get along just fine without...", he'll do it again and I'll remember "Oh, fucking yes, how I do need that."
But I don't get to call the shots, and weird as it may sound, sometimes that is hard to accept.
"Don't you want to be controlled, to not make the decisions?" I hear myself asking inside my head.
Well, sure. Sometimes. Other times I need it more than I want it.
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