Why is it so difficult? Why do we go to such great lengths to avoid asking for things, and especially in the case of many slaves and subs I know, asking for kinky play?
My Master has made it clear from the beginning that I have to ask for things if I want them. Suffering in silence is NOT ok. Unless he's beating me and tells me not to make a sound. He's not a mind reader and he doesn't like me to go around deprived of things I crave for long periods. Sometimes he says no, because he's in charge, and I can accept that gracefully (now). He generally has reasons, such as he doesn't really feel like it.
But every time I find myself in that position of having to ask, I find it embarrassing, somehow, like it is shameful to admit to having these desires. Then there is the complicating factor of being in the middle of a beating and thinking "I asked for this? This hurts! What, am I nuts?" It is easier to think "Oh, I'm doing this for him... I'm such a good slave", which happens a lot here, and I have to admit, it is waayyy easier on my brain processing.
Very few slaves I know are absolutely not allowed to ask for play. Most of them, even when allowed or encouraged, hesitate to do it, especially if they are fairly new to the dynamic, but sometimes it gets the long timers also. I think some of us see it as too forward? Maybe we see a simple request as making demands? Maybe we are afraid to hear "No"? Or even more afraid to hear "Yes" and think that maybe he didn't really want to?
I have had to learn new ways to think about it, because my Master insists that I do. He likes to know that I want it. It turns him on to know that I want to do sexy things with him. So it is not all about me and my wants; by letting him know my desires I'm also fulfilling his wish and desire.
Last night he made me ask. I believe he already knew I wanted it, but he still wanted to hear me ask.
After the twinge of embarrassment, I do ask. Perhaps he also likes that small humiliation. I suck his cock first, then he has me fetch him the long wavy paddle and he gives my ass a thorough smacking. It is so delicious when he goes from pounding on me to gentle stroking, then poking his finger up between my legs to see if I'm wet.
Then later, he's on top of me, fucking me, and slapping my face, harder and harder, making me fear each next coming slap. Making me come repeatedly, sending me into bliss, and he says to me:
"You're not supposed to be enjoying this".
See, he's reading this book for a book club, "A Billion Wicked Thoughts", which I actually brought home from the library, but I gave up on it really quickly because it pretends to be scientific while being filled with wild assumptions and stereotypes. Evidently women don't like sex. Nor do they like graphic pictures or descriptions of hot fucking action. Women like romance novels (gags quietly). Uh huh. Sure. Master wants to discuss (er, rip apart) the book in the club, so he's still reading it even though it is terrible. The book is practically a nefarious example of the sort of social programming women receive that liking hot and dirty sex is unfeminine, trashy, WRONG. I admit I'm not immune to the social programming, but I'm trying to get over it.
When he says I'm not supposed to enjoy it, I know he's joking and I giggle, thinking of the spanking scene on Big Bang Theory. If you haven't watched the show, you must google it and watch that scene at least.
HI-LARIOUS, especially to those of us who love spanking.
Then, of course, I must say the response (Amy's response):
"Well, maybe you should do it harder then."
Because it is from the show he doesn't see it as cheeky. He raises his hand and full out hits me in the chest. And again, and again, on both breasts and in between. Damn it hurts. He makes me come and I buck and thrash under him, coming hard at his command. I'm whimpering softly when he asks if it is better, harder. I squeak out a pained "Yes, Master".