I'm not sure if I should write this blog. I'm not in a very happy place right now.
We had plans today. We loafed around, well, not really loafed, but Master made a fire and hauled wood while I cleaned house, until 11:00 when our friend was close to arriving. Then work called and needed Master to come in. So he went. I understand, I really do, that he has responsibilities. I know that I will always be below that. But damn is it hard to accept some days.
I was so ready, so horny, so keyed up with excitement at having playtime. I heard him on the phone say he'd come right in and I was instantly shaking with disappointment and anger. He called our friend, and she said she'd come over anyway and we could just hang out. Master was not going to let me play without him being there.
So we chatted, and baked cookies, and had a fun time, but it was not the playdate that I had been looking forward to. I don't know if you remember, but last week it was cancelled because of work also.
The worst part is that with this anger and disappointment comes a crushing guilt that I can not be the slave I want to be. I can't shrug it off with a casual "Oh well, maybe another day." Or "I'm only a slave and should have no expectations". Dang it, I do have expectations. I do get my hopes up. I don't know how to deal with it, I don't know where to put it. I just feel crappy. So. Anyway. Maybe tonight. Or not. Damn it.
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Its disappointing when plans go awry, and its only natural to have expectations and to be gutted when they are not met.
ReplyDeleteHope the evening was better.
x
Thank you Tori. I am much better now. Sadly, my Master, who felt just as bad about the whole thing, is not feeling any better today. I told him next Thurs. I'll just leave the phone off the hook :).
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