Kaya's blog gave me the inspiration to write about this topic, since my own day today has been uninteresting. It is not exactly a response to her writing, but more a journey through my own experiences.
Can one dominate oneself? I guess it depends on what exactly that means. In a flip, glib way, I could say that if I'm craving a piece of cake, but there is no rule against cake, and I can resist temptation and not eat it, I could say I'm "domming myself" or mastering my impulses. Really it is just the self control that most of us have. I have less than most. If there is cake, I eat it. Heh. But I do have it sometimes. I did not get interested in being a slave or sub to have my self control enhanced. That didn't enter my mind at all, which is a good thing, I guess, because that only occasionally appears on my Master's radar as something he's interested in doing.
This is not the sort of dominating (self domming) that lead me to want submission and slavery. There is nothing interesting at all about not eating cake because it's not good for me. Boring. Boring. Boring. I'd rather have cake.
It is all about the interaction between the two of us.
Relationships take two people to work. In a M/s relationship, one has to dominate and the other submit. If the dominant doesn't do anything, doesn't take control, merely floats along 'whee dee dee', well, they are just not doing their part.
The dominant has to step up to the plate, in my opinion, or it just isn't going to work as a D/s or M/s relationship.
The same for the other side. I will not to divest the s-type of responsibility. If the slave or sub isn't submitting, isn't obeying, well, they are not doing their part. It takes two.
Exactly HOW all this plays out in a relationship varies as much as people are different from each other. Early on in our relationship I thought this would be a huge problem for me. If he wasn't yanking me by the hair every other minute, hitting me and forcing me to do things, I felt a lack of being dominated. Then I saw that I was just wanting titillation at all times. More experienced slaves were always saying these same things to other newbies, that it is not about your wet bits. It is about being the slave that he wants.
I don't feel I am domming myself if I get off my comfy chair and make him breakfast before he has to speak sternly to me. And he's sure not going to physically correct me in front of the kids. I feel like I'm being the slave he wants, even if I'm not in the mood. I'm pleasing him instead of myself.
He enjoys the more direct physical/mental acts of domination, and I need them, but I only need a little bit of patience to receive those on his schedule instead of mine. As soon as I start thinking "I don't NEED such and such...I can get along just fine without...", he'll do it again and I'll remember "Oh, fucking yes, how I do need that."
But I don't get to call the shots, and weird as it may sound, sometimes that is hard to accept.
"Don't you want to be controlled, to not make the decisions?" I hear myself asking inside my head.
Well, sure. Sometimes. Other times I need it more than I want it.
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i went in search of Kaya's post after reading yours. i think that in some relationships that there is an element of "self-domming" that occurs. The "success" depends on the strength of the relationship. With Master away and our communications limited (going on 7 months with 2 more to go), i am left to my own devices much of the time. It would be easy for me to do whatever i wanted and then only submit when we were in contact or i was executing a task. But i don't. i wouldn't be true to my submission if i ignored His rules or His desires the rest of the time. Maybe it's a bit like your cake analogy, but there are times where i come across situations and i have to make a decision without His direction. i can't call, email, or message. i have to use what i know of Him and make my decision, then inform Him of it afterwards and hope that i chose something in line with what He would have chosen. Most of the time i chose well, a few times poorly and i've faced consequences. Our situation is temporary and when he returns, i won't have to make these decisions on my own. In fact, i'm sure there will be swift consequences for trying to, lol.
ReplyDeleteI still have to make some decisions on my own. Basically, he has delegated some things to me, while he's gone (only a couple days at a time). Anything that seems important I ask him about first, if possible.
DeleteI have a hypothetical:
ReplyDeleteYou said: If the dominant doesn't do anything, doesn't take control, merely floats along 'whee dee dee', well, they are just not doing their part.
How long? How long does the dominant get before s/he gets called on it. I know you can't give me a specific. 69 hours, 7 minutes and 45 seconds, lol. But seriously, how long, approximately? A week, a month, a year? Or the ever-popular "As long as s/he wants"?
On the flip side "If the slave or sub isn't submitting, isn't obeying, well, they are not doing their part." How long? How many times before s/he's tarred and feathered as being unslavelike? Disobey one time? Twice?
Meh. I'm surly.
It varies. That's all I got. How many times can you tell your dog to sit, they don't do it, and not enforce it before they think sit is optional and not required? It depends on the dog. Some dogs you get one freebie where you fail to be consistent and let them slide by without obeying. They they are all "talk to the hand, lady". Others, you get a lot more than that, they are a lot more forgiving, and if you don't enforce it a few times they will continue to obey mostly just on general goodwill, or perhaps not being so bright.
DeleteI just wanted to add in here, for shits and giggles, no matter how inconsistent the owner or disobedient the dog, it is still your dog. :) Whatever that means for slaves, I don't know.
Delete"There is nothing interesting at all about not eating cake because it's not good for me. Boring. Boring. Boring. I'd rather have cake."
ReplyDeleteuh huh, that sums up sooo much of why M/s is good for me. in more ways than just cake...
Now I'm really craving a slice of cake!
ReplyDeleteInteresting point though, I never thought about the little things he now expects of me that I just do on autopilot without the need to be told as any kind of self domming, but maybe that is the best way to describe them. I like being able to make my own decisions but I like it even more when he tells me they are the right ones.