Monday, December 8, 2014

Craving Abuse

Abuse.
Domestic violence.

These things are bad, right?  Nobody wants to be abused.

So how come sometimes I crave that feeling?  Not that I actually want to be an abuse victim, or that I am at all, and I never have been.   
But occasionally I crave the feeling: the fear, the non consensual violence.   And something else besides just the force, but I'm not sure what it is. 
 I sometimes watch one of those movies where the "bad guy" comes home and beats up his wife for whatever pretext he's conjured up.  And I want to BE her.  I want to feel that feeling.  It trips all kinds of wrong and taboo buttons for me. 

That is what I was feeling last night.  Not wanting a spanking. Not wanting a flogging or a sensual experience or a "scene".  But wanting to feel that fear and receive that violence.  I couldn't come out and say it so plainly because I felt ashamed, and didn't want to tell him what to do (that takes all the fun out of this sort of thing, doesn't it?), but I did tell Master (after he gave me "The Look"tm ) that I would like him to be mean to me.

 "Not tonight," I said, "but sometime."  

Last night I was kind of tired and worn out and yet was still craving.  I didn't want just a fun spanking, but something really mean.  I like when he drags me around by the hair, throws me up against things, knocks me down.  I like it when he grabs my throat, calls me "whore" and demands to know what other men I have been fucking.  And I have to tell him. 

 I feel settled and happy afterward.   

Now I've been working on how to say it all morning, and am writing it out here for him, mainly, and also for me.  When I get these thoughts they won't leave me alone until I have written them down. 

He teased me that if he really wanted to be mean he'd call me schmoopie schnookums and kiss me gently and promise never to hurt me.  
And then he did just that.   Evil, huh?

But that was just the tease.  

Then came the main course.  He told me to get out of bed and strip.  I had worn a t-shirt (a wife beater- was this subconscious or circumstantial?) and PJ bottoms to bed, thinking (hoping?) we were going straight to sleep.
I started to make a noise of discontent, a moan of "Do I have to?" without actually saying the words, and he ordered me again to get up and strip.   I did. 

"Hand me the paddle and then suck my cock", he ordered.   I love/hate the paddle.   It hurt so good though;  I wanted to come. 
I was whimpering and sobbing around his dick a short time later.  

He fucked me violently, and I struggled.  He slapped me and hurt me with pressure points until I stopped struggling and gave in.   It was violent, and mean, and delicious.  Then he rolled me over and came inside me.  

I felt settled and happy after. 

He'd been planning to fuck me all along, but had been hiding his intentions because, I don't know.   He likes to keep me guessing.  And he does.

7 comments:

  1. i don't want to be the wife in domestic abuse film scenes, but i do crave him being mean and horrid, INTENTLY. He's really relaxed into letting his sadistic side out over the last couple of years and obliges beautifully, bless him. Like you, sometimes I get all ants in my pants and NEED it to feel satiated and settled.

    and fear - oh yeeeessssss. I need to feel the fear. I know I'm safe with him so it sounds like a contradiction, but the thing is if I DIDN'T feel safe with him I wouldn't let myself fully feel or experience the fear feelings, so I can only let go and do it with him. The adrenaline kick and the release and light feeling afterwards - whooo boy.

    and yet it is SO FAR from abuse. abuse would leave me feeling helpless and powerless, this leaves me cleansed and powered up and ready to take on the WORLD.

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    1. Yes, having real safety but playing with fear, is like the difference between falling out of an airplane with or without a parachute. One I can see wanting to try for fun, the other NO WAY.

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  2. I had a hard reading this and fully grasping the why of wanting this (not a negative judgement though). But Yes, after these comments.. yes I do understand. And consequently understand some more of me too.
    Thank you ladies ;-)

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  3. Oh goodness...thank you for putting this to such incredible words. I've always felt odd for craving this because of the taboo stuff running through my head.

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  4. Ah , I have tried to put this topic into words so many times. You just did way better with it! :) I believe it falls into the consensual non consent area, or so some people have told me. Just know you are very not alone in this. :)

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    1. Thank you for the comments! Our relationship is a CNC one, or total ownership, depending on how you want to call it. He is still often very nice to me, just because that is who he is.

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Mexico! I may get back to blogging eventually, but for now there is laundry to do, food to restock in the kitchen, things to put away......