Master just looked right into my mind, read all my thoughts and frankly, it scares me a little.
He wanted to come in my mouth and while I knew I would be very happy to serve him and be used for any purpose he desired, and besides I wasn't getting out of it ... I still had this little tickle of resistance in my mind that perhaps I'd be happier just sitting around with my coffee doing nothing.
Not that that was an option.
Don't tell me you've never felt that way, to the other long time slaves, my friends!
I wouldn't believe it anyway.
I didn't SAY that of course, and was careful in every single action and look to be as pleasing as possible, and to do everything he told me to do. I took the laptop up to the bedroom, and was just getting my collar on (the leather one, generally required unless he takes me by surprise) when he came in.
He told me to get in position, and caned me, and told me he could see my resistant thoughts, though I had done nothing wrong. I admitted my thoughts, of course, but said mainly I just wanted to please him, which is also true. It was kind of one of those want/don't want situations. And then the misery stick came out. All those little resistant places were smacked the heck out of me. I was all softened up, compliant and extra-super eager to please. The backs of my calves are especially sensitive.
This peering into my head though, it is just a little bit scary, no?
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In all seriousness, because it think about this more than a little bit, is it possible to not have those resistant thoughts sometimes?
ReplyDeleteI'm not mother of the year in anyone's book - but i love my kids fiercely I still have had the passing thoughts of resentment (to be really honest about it) at putting their needs ahead of my wants. The women who didn't really wish they could sleep instead of 4 AM feedings - better mom's than me I guess.
Is it the same kind of thing with him? I love him fiercely. And i want to give him what he wants. But yea - my desire to sit and enjoy my coffee and read - that's there too. And try as i might - he can certainly tell 'serving because i know i should' from 'serving because that's where i most want to be at that moment.'
And yea - the depth of his seeing me is scary, and wonderful.
I doubt it is possible to have a perfect attitude all the time. If someone claimed they did, especially after more than 6 months together, I would be suspicious. The other important thing was, the caning wasn't a punishment. It actually took me from slightly ambivalent to "This is where I want to be most in the world right now". So it was more of an attitude adjustment or encouragement to me.
DeleteI'm not in it as long term as others, and I get those feelings. Ugh, now? I think to myself. Difference is, I've let it be seen, when I should put him first. That's my struggle now. You've seemed to overcome it, but you still have thoughts. Its your decisions, your actions in spite of those thoughts that count.
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