Last night was all about him, his pleasure. It felt good being able to do that for him. I was happy to make it all about him. Even, or perhaps especially, when I was wanting more for myself, being used as a couple of holes for his pleasure felt good. This is part of my deeper desire, deeper than just the surface pleasure. Giving myself to him is a huge part of slavery.
He said something to me the other day about cultivating a feeling of, what was it? I can't actually remember his words, but it was something about having "peaceful resignation" in the face of events not going my way, of facing disappointments. This is soooo not my natural state. Resigned is something I have never been. To seek, to strive, but not to yield. Except to him.
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I really liked this post. I think sometimes we like to pretend that if you're a "good" submissive or slave, it's all easy. We ask, and you give, and do so willingly and happily, all sparkles and unicorns and marshmallows.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it is. It's like anything else, sometimes it probably is easy, everything works and it all feels right and it's as easy as it can get, and other times, it's a struggle to say "As you wish," when that isn't what you want.
Great post.
You're right. There are times when I have no real strong desire for anything other than pleasing him, but there are definitely other times when I do want something specific and it's just not going to happen.
DeleteI have coping strategies for frustration. Sometimes they work, other times, not so much.