Thursday, September 24, 2015

I Feel Horrible

I haven't been writing anything lately because we haven't been doing anything.  He hasn't been feeling well, so it is perfectly understandable. 
I get frustrated anyway.
I feel guilty that I'm so frustrated.
I feel guilty that I'm so needy.
I feel like a bottomless well of desire and this makes me hate myself.

I try to cram all this stuff aside and just be good because I know he doesn't feel good and I don't want to be more burden or obnoxious.

And then Master wakes up this morning and uses my mouth and my cunt and it is just so GOOD, but it isn't enough.  He has to be off to work right away.  As soon as he leaves I dissolve in a puddle of tears, everything that was held back and unsaid over the last few days coming out on my pillow.

Then he comes back in, is immediately solicitous and asks what's wrong.  I can't answer for a long time, but then I say I'm a terrible fuckhole, always wanting more.  

He leaves to get ready.  I make breakfast.
When he sits down I apologize and he takes one look at his food and tea and storms off upstairs again.  I don't know if he's feeling too ill to eat, or he's just that angry with me, but he sure storms like he's angry.

The plate of food and tea is still sitting there, he's gone to work, and I'm not sure if I should save it or throw it out. 

He said I'm forgiven, but I still feel like the worst slave ever. 

11 comments:

  1. But...doesn't he like you wanting? And insatiable? I mean, to me, it seems like he appreciates that.

    I think you are being WAY too hard on yourself. Dry those tears and know that, whether you feel like it or not, you're a great slave. (I've been reading here long enough to know that!!)

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    1. I think it sounds great in theory, but when faced with the reality, it sucks for him too. :(

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  2. Him storming off, no matter what the reason, I would find hard to deal with.
    I have a hard time dealing with changes in routine, whether it is a cold or because work keeps us from play and try my best as I can to keep all the emotion in, there is a breaking point! Its sucky when you are both off.
    Hope you are feeling better and *try* not to be hard on yourself.

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    1. Tell me about it. I chased after him and was bawling and wrapped around his leg. I have no dignity.

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  3. You're lovely and he knows it. He may not give into that pit at the bottom of your stomach, but your dynamic is based on just that. You'd not have that pit if he gave in to your every whim :)
    It's ok and necessary for the slave to want more and to be super needy. In my opinion, it's a fundamental part of the dependency and love and will to bend for the owner. It it actually beautiful and romantic and I'm happy for you.
    You're quite charming in your neediness. :)

    -tara

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, you are right. It is really hard to think of this as a permanent state though. I keep thinking I'll get over it, be like "oh, pain, I can take it or leave it". But it doesn't really work that way when you are getting your (irregular) fix.

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  4. It (is) actually beautiful....
    (correction, sorry :) )

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  5. It does suck for both of you....but you are not only slave, you are human. I have been reading here long enough that i am mostly in awe of you...and your devotion and service to your Master. I hate the being so needy part too......but it is part of the package..and I can sit back and say that to you, because at the moment i am at a good plsce with it.
    hugs abby

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  6. * It is really hard to think of this as a permanent state though. I keep thinking I'll get over it, be like "oh, pain, I can take it or leave it". But it doesn't really work that way when you are getting your (irregular) fix.*

    There is wonderful consistency in being in that state. The part of you which views things as "irregular" will be modified. It's good for a slave to be needy. It's great for the owner to use the slave as he sees fit. Clearly, he loves you and has care for you, and impressively doesn't give in to coddling you. After some time, it will be a reassuring feeling, full of love in the desperation for him, and it will make you wet and open and even more pliable.

    It's really beautiful.

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  7. Mine rarely gets sick or really visibly upset or off - but when he does it is completely destabilizing to me. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that this whole thing works for us largely because i am always needy. i didn't used to be - he made me into this. It gives him something to manipulate me with, it's a huge power for him to hold. But it still floors me sometimes. When things happen and my needs have to go on hold - or worse yet, he throws them back at me, it crushes me, i can't just pick myself up and move on. He knows this - he made me this way. But very rarely he chooses to let me be crushed in this way. It screws with my head and my heart in a huge way - but in the end it fixes things that had been going out of whack. I hope you guys are back on solid ground soon.

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  8. Actualy I am glad you posted this and the comments. I notice when I'm off, my sub destabilizes rather fast too. Some things said here are insightfull. Stuff to think about and talk through. Thanks.

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We've been on vacation

Mexico! I may get back to blogging eventually, but for now there is laundry to do, food to restock in the kitchen, things to put away......