When the perfect storm of guilt, doubt and miscommunication come together, then what do you do?
I was talking to Master about trying something new on the far edge of my comfort zone with other people. I already had a huge doubt in my mind as to whether I wanted to do it at all. However, I get really excited when I'm making plans, so I probably didn't show the doubt.
I was also having doubts about whether he would want me to do it. I sometimes don't think what he will allow me to do and what he actually wants me to do are the same thing. I suppose this is a form of doubting him that I really should eliminate from my mind. It's just hard. If I ask "Would you let me...?" or "Would it be ok with you...?" I still haven't gotten at my real question, which is "Does this sound fun to you?" or even more insecurely, "Will you still be happy with me if I do this?"
And then we get to the guilt. I'm quite sure from everything previous in my life, society, everything I learned as a vanilla person, that what I'm asking to do is quite unacceptable to most people. So I have guilt that I want to do it at all. If Master would get even a little upset at the thought of it happening, it is not high enough on my list of wants to bother with and I would immediately lose interest.
With doubt and guilt already present lurking in my mind, then came the miscommunication. He switched without warning me from the talk about actual plans to wanting me to tell him a hot and sexy fantasy story. Only he didn't say it that way, and I didn't realize he'd changed, and I thought he was mad at me. I kind of stormed off and snapped a bit in hurt. He told me he wasn't mad, but I didn't really understand. It seemed obvious to me. Miscommunication pitfall #2.
He was still in "About to have sex" mode and told me to get my butt plug in while he was gone. I did this, all the while feeling confused and hurt and a bit mad. But being a slave is obeying anyway.
When he came home I was naked, wearing my leather collar and butt plug and ready to be at his disposal. I knelt on the floor and sucked him then he had me lie on my back and play with myself. Then more sucking and he came on my face. He took me upstairs and told me to lie on the bed, face down. He caned me then, which was painfully delicious.
Even later on, we talked again about the communication issue, and got it all sorted out.
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