Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Talking about Poly

Unlike most days, when I have only one thing going on in my head, and it is easy to write about, or I have nothing interesting going on in there and I skip writing a blog entirely, today I have so many things I don't know on which one to focus.

Perhaps the most important, over the weekend Master and Mystique talked about becoming somewhat more formal in our relationship in terms of labels.   I know they went back and forth a bit before deciding that what it was is a polyamorous relationship among all three of us.  A tripod is the image that pops into my head.  Three legs.  A sturdy holder of things.   No leg can be shorter or less important than the others (well not literally because I'm very short in stature- but hey this is a metaphor!).

It really is only a matter of labels, nothing else has changed, but making that declaration out loud was very significant to me and I have been thinking about it all week.  I even had a little twinge of jealousy (just to make it clear, it was a very small, brief twinge), but a friend, another slave with prior experience being poly,  reminded me to "Remember what you are".

 I am his slave.  He owns me, not the other way around.  When I told him about this conversation he had me repeat back to him several times "I am your slave", and he reassured me of my place in his heart.  

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow when Mystique will come over again.   She doesn't live far, like 15 minutes drive from us.  I still have certain rules and restrictions from my Master, about getting permission before going out, and not playing when he is not present, but we (Mystique, another friend and I) have been enjoying spending time doing things like meeting at the local diner for lunch or seeing a movie.   Just hanging out, you know, it is fun and important. 

We had sorted out the matter of hierarchy back in December when I had some questions and talked to both of them about it.   She is a top, a dominant, a sadomasochist.   When I first met her, about 1 1/2 years ago, I was intimidated both by her experience in the lifestyle and also by her personality.  After a short time of getting to know her, I realized I didn't have to be and we became friends, but the whole time I retained a submissive feeling toward her.

 This is part of my personality, the submissive part, which has always been a part of me.    I only recently recognized and labelled it.   I get feelings about people, generally only in person, not so much over the computer screen, about whether they are dominant or not and I react accordingly.   It has almost nothing to do with what they call themselves, it is simply a gut reaction from me.    I have realized that over the years I have had several mentors in various things, not kink related,  and all of them were highly dominant, but fair, good and kind people.    Looking back to my early teen years, I see how I had this same response to these qualities in my Master.  

Our conversation in December was resolved with the determination that I only belong to Master, and everywhere but during a specific scene, in which Mystique will top and I will submit, she and I are basically equals.   Now you can see how this might conflict with my feelings, but really it does not.  I have been dealing with such "theoretically equal, but feeling submissive" relationships since I can remember.  This is who I am and what I do.  This is just the first time it has been openly discussed and recognized by both sides in the relationship, which is a wild and wonderful feeling to me.

This has not changed:  I am obligated and desire to obey my Master in everything, above all.  

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