For the record, going along, pretending everything is fine and dandy and you haven't a care in the world, and only good things will happen, only works for so long. Then you start waking up at odd hours feeling a crushing worry, or letting the fears peek out at odd times, so your Master asks "What's wrong, you look sad, is everything ok? Do you like being a slave still?"
And then I say I'm ok, I'm not sad, and it's not exactly a lie because I don't feel sad at that moment, but something gives me away to him. I tell him yes, I can't imagine being anything else. Yes, I like being your slave.
I do talk to him about all my fears, but that doesn't make them magically go away. Mostly I try to hide them from myself because I want so badly to be happy and positive thinking.
But today I needed a little rant. So. Sorry, here it is.
It is not about Master and I and our relationship that way, it is about the rest of life and how we are facing major upheavals, which I can't really talk about yet. I hate the uncertainty. It is a helpless feeling, and not the hot 'n' horny helpless feeling of being bound and waiting for something awful to happen. It is the helpless feeling that the last 10 years of my life were a perfect heaven, and what I'm facing from now on is going to never be as good again. That is in my down moments. Then I go back to pretending that hell yeah, I'm strong enough to take whatever comes at me. Maybe it will be better than I think. Maybe change is good. But that treacherous, sneaking worry will come at me in the middle of the night when I can't defend myself. I can't do a thing about it but wait, and sometimes I feel like it is tearing me up.
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