Saturday I had one of those Alexander days. You know, a No Good Horrible Awful Very Bad Day.
Which was weird because it started out so well. Perhaps I should say I had about 8 hours of badness surrounded by the good parts. I have debated with myself heavily about even sharing the bad part because now it just seems like unreasonable, nonsensical whining, but what the heck. The good the bad and the ugly, we all have it. So I'm sharing it in the interests of not thinking my life is one big pile of rosy sex (ok, sometimes it is :) ).
Master started the day by kicking me out of bed before 6 to make his breakfast, which is normal and expected. He had a sausage burrito and I had Cheerios. When he was getting dressed, since he was working a half day, I went back upstairs. He told me to get the Hitachi and use it while he watched. He sat on the settee, continuing to dress, putting his socks on, while I lay on the floor playing with the wand and my pussy. He came over and stepped on my neck, pressing down until I went light headed. He told me to come, several times, before he moved his foot to my chest and I coughed at the release of pressure.
Then he was off to work, and I was ok until I started trying to look at job listings. See, Master has ordered me to get a job. So far I have sent two resumes, got an offer to speak to someone more about one, but they only had second shift, which I can't do. The other... well, that was a problem. I don't want to go through the whole thing, but problems with my email vanishing and our phone being dead and lack of taking notes on paper meant that I don't know what happened with that resume. Anyway the job is not posted any more. So after an hour of frustration, during which the kids were constantly talking to me and I got way more snappish with them than I should have, I started looking at more postings.
This is so depressing. Nothing appeals to me in the ads. I have no idea what I want to do. I might as well be 19 again with no clear ideas at all of where I'm going. He's not going to tell me where I'm going or what I'm supposed to be doing in this area. Maybe he doesn't know either. I'm qualified for practically nothing. I have huge (11 year) gaps in my resume. I feel like an utter failure. I want to obey Master and get a job, and feel like I've failed so far in making any progress toward this. When I read the descriptions of what employers are seeking all I can think is "That is so not me... I'm just going to have to fake it to get hired for anything at all" and I'm not talking about the experience/training which I obviously wouldn't fake, but the personality qualities they describe. So, after several hours of this I have found nothing to even apply for.
I had promised the kids we would go to the park, but Master messaged me and said he'd be home soon. We could wait for him to eat lunch and he would go with us. This sounded like a nice plan.
Then the guy who sells us firewood called and said he could come over. I knew Master would want the wood, so I said yes.
I made Master's lunch in preparation. After he had eaten I wanted to talk about my problems with the email and job things, but he was too busy and kept putting me off, and my car had to be moved out of the driveway. He was on the phone for work when the firewood guy came. I helped unload the trailer full of wood on to the back porch. Master and the kids came out after a little while and we got it done pretty quickly all together.
When the neighbor left for another load, I tried to talk to Master again, but the kids still also wanted to talk, and I was snappish to one of them. Then Master corrected me and I apologized to both. I felt stupid and horrible and awful, not to mention embarrassed. Talking with him about the job stuff didn't really help either, I just felt worse that I hadn't accomplished as much as I thought I should have. I just felt completely lousy about the whole thing. I thought he was disappointed with me also. Plus I feel guilty that he is working seven days a week and I'm not working at all.
He told me to quit moping and take the kids to the park, that he would do the other loads of wood himself rather than have me sulking around. So I did that. It was all great until the kids started throwing sand, got in big fight with each other and I told them we had to leave. I'm just sure that my crabby attitude had made them crabby too. So that was all my fault as well.
When we got home it was time to make dinner and Master was still stacking the rest of the wood (we got 3 trailer loads). He was hot and worn out, so I made him some cold lemonade and cooked dinner.
He told me he was not disappointed with me and he knew it was going to be hard, but I should not get discouraged and I would find something, even if it was very entry level, that was ok.
After the kids were in bed we watched a small bit of a silly movie, then went to bed.
He told me to get up and face away when he came to the bedroom. He couldn't find his old belt, so he used the newer one that he wears every day. It was heavier, and hurt like a son of a gun, with no warm up or anything. When he told me to get in bed I was rubbing my sore thighs. Feeling that pain and rubbing it put me into such a heat of desire. Master pushed my legs apart and slid on top of me.
It was a good ending to the day.
And today, I'm filling out more applications on line. Master is at work, again.
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