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It had to have started with Friday, when Master and I had this conversation:
Master: Your new kink is going to be abstinence.
Me: I don't think I like my new kink.
Master: Suffering is good for your soul.
sigh.
Never mind that we fucked like crazed weasels Friday night and Saturday morning, this thought still stuck in the back of my head the whole time. But I figured he was just teasing me. Then Sunday morning I gave him a blowjob as he commanded. He let me use the vibrator for my own pleasure after I asked for it. Monday, he was home all day and nothing, nada, zip in the sexytimes department. I made a few suggestive comments, tried to lure him a bit without being obnoxious or demanding (this is hard to find the right balance where I won't get in trouble). I was getting pretty desperate for him by bed time, but I tried hard not to show it. I began to think this was the abstinence he had mentioned. Or maybe I had done something wrong. Or maybe because I was on my period I was undesirable. Perhaps he was trying to teach me a lesson in patience and submission.
Then the really stupid emotions and thoughts began creeping in. Like this one: I just know that if I were someone new, someone younger, more desirable, prettier, he'd feel like fucking no matter what else was going on, even if it were a bloody mess. The thoughts that hammer on my self esteem no matter how I try to push them away. The emotions that come with PMS made it all seem so much worse.
I waited for him on the floor as usual. He ordered me into bed. He spanked me with the paddle pictured above, and then rolled over for sleep. I cuddled up and pressed into him hopefully. He said no, he was not interested. I asked him if I'd done something wrong; he said no. This was when I began to really work at submitting and trying to go to sleep (see this post Peon)... so hard to sleep when worked up and horny, with my ass stinging from the spanking.
As I began to relax and start to drift off he got on top of me. That is when I felt his cock hard and pressing into me as he said "Your complete submission makes me so turned on". But at that time I thought he was just teasing me more, turning me on only to drop me at the brink again. I pleaded with him using only one word "Master, Master, Master, Master...." I shook my head not to do this, but I couldn't say no to him. I resisted him physically. He ordered me to go get a towel, but when I started to struggle away from him he saw my resistance and thought I was really trying to get away and he threw me back down on the bed. I was near to crying. I wanted to have sex. I didn't want sex like this. But I couldn't say no. I said I was going to get the towel, so he let me up.
He fucked me then, and it felt SO. DAMN. GOOD. But my feelings were all over the place. Was this a pity fuck? Had he given in to my lusts? I said that, or he read my mind. He berated me and slapped my face for thinking that way. He was taking me because he wanted me, because I was his and he wanted sex. He hadn't before and now he did and I could shut up and deal with that. When he finished as I also came, it pushed me over the emotional edge as well and I cried. Again he reminded me of everything in my "peon" post. We went to sleep.
The next morning he asked if I needed him to write "peon" on my arm again and I handed him the marker.
Wednesday night he was home again and he tied my wrists with the strap in the picture and paddled my ass, singing silly songs as he did so, which made me giggle. This time there was no sex. He let me suck his cock just briefly, then we went to sleep.
I barely slept. In the morning he gave me a quick orgasm with his hand and the command to cum. I kissed him like I could simply devour him.
Now he is gone until Friday night. I miss him so :(.
Me: I don't think I like my new kink.
Master: Suffering is good for your soul.
sigh.
Never mind that we fucked like crazed weasels Friday night and Saturday morning, this thought still stuck in the back of my head the whole time. But I figured he was just teasing me. Then Sunday morning I gave him a blowjob as he commanded. He let me use the vibrator for my own pleasure after I asked for it. Monday, he was home all day and nothing, nada, zip in the sexytimes department. I made a few suggestive comments, tried to lure him a bit without being obnoxious or demanding (this is hard to find the right balance where I won't get in trouble). I was getting pretty desperate for him by bed time, but I tried hard not to show it. I began to think this was the abstinence he had mentioned. Or maybe I had done something wrong. Or maybe because I was on my period I was undesirable. Perhaps he was trying to teach me a lesson in patience and submission.
Then the really stupid emotions and thoughts began creeping in. Like this one: I just know that if I were someone new, someone younger, more desirable, prettier, he'd feel like fucking no matter what else was going on, even if it were a bloody mess. The thoughts that hammer on my self esteem no matter how I try to push them away. The emotions that come with PMS made it all seem so much worse.
I waited for him on the floor as usual. He ordered me into bed. He spanked me with the paddle pictured above, and then rolled over for sleep. I cuddled up and pressed into him hopefully. He said no, he was not interested. I asked him if I'd done something wrong; he said no. This was when I began to really work at submitting and trying to go to sleep (see this post Peon)... so hard to sleep when worked up and horny, with my ass stinging from the spanking.
As I began to relax and start to drift off he got on top of me. That is when I felt his cock hard and pressing into me as he said "Your complete submission makes me so turned on". But at that time I thought he was just teasing me more, turning me on only to drop me at the brink again. I pleaded with him using only one word "Master, Master, Master, Master...." I shook my head not to do this, but I couldn't say no to him. I resisted him physically. He ordered me to go get a towel, but when I started to struggle away from him he saw my resistance and thought I was really trying to get away and he threw me back down on the bed. I was near to crying. I wanted to have sex. I didn't want sex like this. But I couldn't say no. I said I was going to get the towel, so he let me up.
He fucked me then, and it felt SO. DAMN. GOOD. But my feelings were all over the place. Was this a pity fuck? Had he given in to my lusts? I said that, or he read my mind. He berated me and slapped my face for thinking that way. He was taking me because he wanted me, because I was his and he wanted sex. He hadn't before and now he did and I could shut up and deal with that. When he finished as I also came, it pushed me over the emotional edge as well and I cried. Again he reminded me of everything in my "peon" post. We went to sleep.
The next morning he asked if I needed him to write "peon" on my arm again and I handed him the marker.
Wednesday night he was home again and he tied my wrists with the strap in the picture and paddled my ass, singing silly songs as he did so, which made me giggle. This time there was no sex. He let me suck his cock just briefly, then we went to sleep.
I barely slept. In the morning he gave me a quick orgasm with his hand and the command to cum. I kissed him like I could simply devour him.
Now he is gone until Friday night. I miss him so :(.
Have you talked to him about it? What does he want you to get out of this? Is it to help you get those old tapes out of your head?
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Fiona
Yes, we have talked a little. He says there is no lesson, no message other that I'm his and I will submit to what he wants, when that is only spankings and he doesn't want sex, or if he changes his mind, I am his and I will submit.
ReplyDeleteThis is so hard! Wanting things and not being obnoxious about it, trying to talk oneself into acceptance and then landing in horrible jealous thoughts and despair insteag. Aaargh!
ReplyDeleteWe (or rather I) don't do this as much any longer, but it took ages for me to settle down and accept that Mistress is the one deciding whether we're having sex or not. And balancing on that edge of not shutting down in self defense, staying open and vulnerable, while still not get all crazed and "gimme gimme!".
It's hard. But thank you for writing about it, it gave me a chance to realise I've actually come a long way from the starting point. A lot less angst! And still a lot of good sex, though not always when I want it.
Every time I think I get a handle on this it comes back and smacks me in the head again! So frustrating.
DeleteI feel for you. Sometimes it's really hard to keep the self doubt at bay, especially at that time of the month. Hang in there, I'm sure you'll feel much better when he returns. Sometimes a little space and then some really great sex make all the difference :)
ReplyDeleteOh I know these feelings ... self-doubt is the most horrible creatures. Hope you can hang in for His return ava x
ReplyDelete