Monday, May 27, 2013

Emotional Masochism

I've been having some thoughts inspired by a book I've been reading.   It is Power Circuits, Polyamory in a Power Dynamic by Raven Kaldera.  You may recognize the name RavenK from Fetlife, and if not, he is a pretty smart guy, which is why I bought his book.  

In addition to the great stuff he writes, he includes a bunch of essays of the personal experiences of people in different types of poly power dynamic relationships.  Reading most of them, I was  academically interested.  "Oh, yeah, that is one way to do it."  The same things I think about when I read detailed stories of other peoples lives.

Then I got to one chapter, near the end, and I couldn't get through it.  I must have started it 5 times and had to quit and go do something else each time.   It was just too emotional for me.   I'd be totally wet and frickin' horny, but disturbed at the same time.   It was about woman who gets off on being in emotional pain about the fact that her Master is fucking someone else.   She describes how the more painful it is, if she is insulted and degraded at the same time, degraded in certain ways, but not every way,  it makes it all the hotter for her.    She said she also felt a lot of shame that people accused her of "doing polyamory wrong" because it is supposed to be all happy and friendly with everyone unhurt as much as possible.  But for her the pain was the whole point.   Once her Master collared a male sub and she became comfortable with him, and no longer jealous, the hotness factor of seeing them together went out of it for her.

I'm not saying I want to be in her place, not by a long shot, but I kinda sorta do identify with those emotions a bit.   My emotions are much less intense.   That is, I don't really feel hugely jealous or in pain.   I feel very submissive, very owned, and one specific time, the first time I watched him with someone else, the time at Tryst, I felt rather humiliated in very erotic way.  This is something he plays with all the time in fantasies, describing them to me, having me describe scenes to him.   

An aside:

Master says polyamory is the wrong word for this thing that we do.  It should be either multiamory or polyfilia, to avoid mixing Greek and Latin roots.   I suggested that it was really more multicultural to mix the two languages, and how could that be a bad thing?   He suggested that perhaps some time in the basement with my nose stuck in a corner would make me rethink that theory.   O_o


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