I always feel squeamish and guilty talking about actual punishments. Often I completely skip over them in this blog, or write the barest hint. It is not a subject with which I am comfortable at all. There are so many emotions, and I'm always afraid it will come out sounding wrong.
This morning I wrote about the reasons I was due for one. All evening Master had been perfectly pleasant to me, except for the hint every now and then that Uma (the smiley paddle) was going to get me.
This might have been funny except that it wasn't. I was dreading the whole thing, massively.
I went to bed early, had a little nap, and was just about to get up again when Master came in and told me to stay in bed. He went out. I waited. And waited. For over an hour I waited on the bed, not really moving, then I think I fell asleep again, and only woke up in time for him to tell me to put kids to bed and feed the dogs.
After that was all done I came upstairs and he was already in bed. I put my night time collar on and searched the drawer for the paddle. I told him I couldn't find it. He said I should come to bed anyway.
I didn't reply, but I was on edge as I walked to the bed.
"Lie down here" he said. And I did. He seemed half asleep as he told me perhaps the punishment could wait another night. I said nothing, but was thinking fast, my brain spinning those words round and round. Another 24 hours of waiting. Please no. Get it done and be done with it. But I didn't say anything.
"That would be really cruel, wouldn't it?" he said. His voice had a really frighteningly dangerous softness. I felt his touch on my back, and I tensed as if a pan of hot oil was poised over me.
"Making you wait a whole nother day, another day of dreading, that would be cruel, wouldn't it. Slave."
"Yes, Master". I was close to tears already.
"Lie on your stomach." Now I knew. He wasn't going to put it off, he was playing with me. Yes, the little mousie runs between the cat's paws. For now.
WHAP! The paddle came down hard. An unsteady rhythm of hard blows, then he had me put a pillow under my hips for a better angle. More hard blows. Then he gave me the talk, why I was being punished, did I think I deserved it (yes) and how I would do better in the future. Another rain of hard blows. It hurt. A lot.
Then "You are forgiven".
My heart was full of gratitude, and another emotion that I can't name, relief perhaps. No, that's not it exactly either. There was relief, and gratitude, and something else... overwhelming love. I curled up next to him and tried to sleep.
I guess I'd had too many naps though, because an hour later I was still lying there. I started to get up and he woke immediately with
"What are you doing?"
I asked if I could go downstairs because I couldn't sleep and he said yes. So, here I am with my tea, uncomfortable in my chair, but all right with my Master, and waiting to get sleepy again.
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