I have so much to write. This may be a bit rambling today.
Yesterday I was back to sadness. Crying for next to no reason. Stupid hormones.
I had what seemed like a terribly busy day. I felt overwhelmed by all the things I had to do all day. I really just wanted to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers. I kept plugging away anyway.
The bright spot was that I met a friend (another submissive) for lunch. I had a good time. She's going to make me the "I dream of Jeannie" costume that Master has always wanted me to have, so we also went fabric shopping. The saleslady was amused at the idea of making "Halloween" costumes now, especially since we were going to have matching ones in different colors. I wonder what she thought.
After that I did errands most of the afternoon, then got home and still had many chores to do. I did hide in bed for a while. "I'm not napping... I'm meditating in bed with my head buried under the covers." I finally dragged myself out with the thought that all I had to do was boil some potatoes and then I could go back to bed. This was a lie, but sometimes I have to lie to myself to get things done. After I started the water heating I went and did the outside chores. Then I felt a bit better, that I had accomplished everything on my "must do" list, although nothing that was on my "want to do" chore list. At least Master would be happy and I wouldn't get punished. I couldn't stand the thought of punishment on top of everything else. Honestly, I considered not doing any of my work and just staying in bed. I didn't know what the punishment for that would be, but I doubt it would be the fun beating I was looking forward to. Maybe there would be nothing. Maybe he'd ignore me and I simply couldn't bear the thought of that.
When he got home, Master wanted me to tell him about everything that was going on with me. I didn't really know. Just sad is all. We talked a lot, but he didn't think I was telling him everything and I didn't either, but every time I tried to think of what I was not saying my mind would turn completely blank.
He told me he's been thinking of having a gang rape scene. With people I don't know, or at least who are wearing masks. At an unspecified time at some event, Tryst most likely. The thought scares me, in an exciting-scary way, but I'm willing to do whatever he wants. If that is what he wants, then he'll get it, if he can find willing accomplices. Frankly, I have my doubts about that. I mean, play rape with someone you barely know? That is serious shit. I can't think of anyone who'd want to be in on that.
Besides which, other group scenes he has tried to arrange have not worked out. People bail. The only thing more humiliating than being publicly used is not being able to find people to publicly use/abuse/humiliate you. I try not to dwell on it, but at some level it is a pretty crappy feeling. Mostly I just think that a lot of men are way more shy than they pretend to be.
Then he told me to arrange other playdate. He told me, as he has in the past, to reassure me, that he won't think less of me if I desire to fuck other men.
I told him, as I have in the past, that what really gets
me off, what really turns my crank, is that he's ordering me to do it.
Yes, I like the physical part of fucking, of course I do. But for the emotional part,
which is a very important thing, I need to know that he
desires it, that he orders it, that I'm doing it because I am his property to dispose of as he
wishes. That is where the real hotness is for me. It is the same when I watch him fuck another woman. It turns me on because it makes me feel at a very base level my property status. Plus, I enjoy watching him have a good time.
So when he asked me if I wanted it, I said "I want it if you order it, Master". He pressed me to say if I actually wanted it. And I said I did. Because he said he would order me to do it, willing or not.
I feel like we have some kind of communication glitch going on there.
While writing to SirQ'smlb on her blog, I realized that he needs to know from me that it is at some level consensual for me. That if he makes me do these things that I'm not going to hate or resent him. That couldn't be farther from the truth for me. I couldn't hate him for that. I want to know that he wants me to do it bad enough that he'd back it up with the force of an order. And so we go round and round in our glitchy way.
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