Sunday, September 2, 2012

Invisible

Some days I feel invisible, ghosting around the house unseen, making food, washing up, bringing drinks, cleaning up messes. 

I learned about being invisible, or at least unseen, in grade school when it was the safest thing for someone who was small, wimpy, different and often oddly dressed.   It is possible to dampen body language,  to the point where one is almost not there at all.   I don't do it consciously.   I don't even notice I'm doing it until later I wonder if I am really there at all.

We seemed like we were disconnected yesterday, in the same house but not really together. 

Until last night.  There is something about my Master's belt heavily applied to my ass that brings physicality back into focus.  It says "I see you there, naked thing with raised welts".    I cried, not from pain but from mourning a lost day.  A day lost to invisibility and disconnection.  

And I made a resolution last night.  Today I will write down 10 times when I am seen, noticed or appreciated.  As a reminder to myself that I am.

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