Sunday, September 23, 2012

Question 23: Attraction and Repulsion

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

I remember reading a story on the internet about 12-13 years ago about a D/s relationship.   In the story, it was just the beginning of the relationship and was about how she, the submissive, began to submit to a Master, to give herself up totally to his control.   It was heavy on degradation and humiliation, and the story (which I had found by doing a search on "bondage") both repelled and attracted me.  I couldn't imagine the thought of submitting myself totally to another person, couldn't imagine being degraded that way and loving it.  

But. But.  

At the same time it attracted me and thrilled me.  I didn't want it to happen to me at all and yet I couldn't stop thinking about it.   And being made totally hot by the idea of being in such a relationship.

It wasn't until last year that during another internet search for the same sort of story I discovered a website where people were actually living this way.  I started asking questions, joining in discussions and found that I really, really wanted this.   Not just a little bit, but wanted it in a way that was a fire inside me so hot I felt it must be attempted, and damn the consequences.  This was when I finally brought it up to my husband, and asked if I could be his submissive, if he would spank me and tie me up.  He said yes, he'd like that very much, although he didn't really want to hurt me.   As I recall I said something like "Oh, that's good, I don't want you to hurt me either, I'm not a masochist."   Which fills me with laughter these days.   If I only knew then.   

There is very little that repels me about other relationships of M/s or D/s.  I figure it is their relationship and it is up to them as adults to run it the way they feel is right.  There are some individual acts that I personally would fear to have done to me, but whatever floats their boat, ya know.  

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