After Thursday I have had a serious case of sub drop. I think. I'm actually not sure what is going on, but there are have been a lot of emotions running around in my brain after I got over the high of the experience.
All these questions keep nagging at me, and I can't figure out how to deal with them. I have talked to my Master, but when I ask things like "I am too slutty?" he says "No, of course not, don't be silly." Then I don't know what to say. I can't say "But what if I really am too slutty?" and then to add to that: "What if I shouldn't have written it all down for everyone to read? Wouldn't it be better to just keep it all in my head? What will people reading this think of me? Will they demand things from me or take liberties, and what if I want to say no and I don't? Are you sure I'm not too slutty?"
Of course what I really want is for him to slap me around and tell me to shut up and do as I'm told. This seems to make everything better, because then it's not ME being slutty, it's him commanding me. But this time he didn't.
Instead, we had a conversation. No, neither of us want to change course or do anything differently. Yes, we want to do the same things again, and more. Yes, his rules for me regarding other men are still in place. His conflicting emotions about that revolve around whether his willingness to share me means that he doesn't value me. Yes, he values me. Yes, he shares me without jealousy, and how do those things go together? It was causing him some cognitive dissonance. He finally decided that it is because sharing me doesn't devalue me in any way. We both have a good time. He still knows he owns me, and I know it.
This is my own analogy. It's like eating a big bowl of ice cream but sharing some with a good friend. It brings more enjoyment to the experience to share, not less, because there is a lot of ice cream there, more than one person could eat.
I think it is enviable how he manages to sum up and deal with his emotions that way. It seems neat and tidy from here. In my own head, I don't feel upset or unhappy today, I'm just having these thoughts spinning around in my head. I have questions, and I know the answers, but still the questions keep nagging at me.
The answer, I know, is the same one it always is: "Just obey".
It simplifies things down to the bare level of what this is about. It is what I do.
If he says this is what we are doing, then this is what we are doing. Obey without over- thinking things. Enjoy without guilt. I can do this.
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I've had some of the same thoughts. Especially when I have dreams involving fantasy. In my mind, is be more worried about myself if I wasn't concerned with being too sultry. I think You have the best solution: obey. How can we be too surety if it's what our Masters command and what they want?
ReplyDeleteAdding to my prior comment.I also get that 'sutty' feeling during any group 'therapy'...I've started to look at it as Master showing me off...being proud of his slave and wanting to show others his toy, his pet, his devoted slave.
ReplyDeleteThat's true. Also, his opinion is the one that counts. He likes that I enjoy it (and I'm not going to say I don't- even if I get shy or uncomfortable at certain times, later I'm always enjoying it and happy).
ReplyDeleteI was also just thinking back to the very first party we went to, at the cabin, and how huge a thing it was just to lift the skirt a little, undies still in place, and get a spanking in front of other people that were not my Master. I mean, it was a HUGE deal and HUGE step for me. And that was just last winter. One year ago.
I dont think its slutty at all, i see it as liberating, it doesnt devaluate me in any way, if it was something i really had problems with then i know my state of mind would come first and he wouldnt do it (and that applies to anything)
ReplyDeleteBut if its enjoyed then heck embrace it.
x
tori, I absolutely should just enjoy and embrace it, because it is fun. I get these self doubts sometimes though. It's not always about this issue, sometimes it is something else entirely, but that is a part of sub drop for me. Insecurity, self doubt, fears... and so on. I haven't had it this bad before, I guess because Thursday was sooo intense for me. Well, for all of us. Master doesn't get "drop" of any kind after playing.
ReplyDeleteHey, ancilla,
ReplyDeleteWe are all doing things that some people would disapprove of, right? i don't think anyone here has any right to be judgmental of you. It's excellent when your Master requires you to do the things you want to do, IMO. It does make it much easier.
i think that being able to recognize your own "ok-ness" with what you're doing is helpful foo, but it sounds like you are in touch with your own wants, and that's what matters. i've had have those "am i too slutty?" worries too, and think it just refelcts the negative tone our society takes toward sex.
aisha
aisha,
ReplyDeleteWhat you say is true, and no one I know has been judgmental. It's all in my head, from society, whatever.
Master read this and says I should just embrace my inner slut.
We both have these feeling, because what we do is so socially unacceptable. We don't tell our vanilla friends. We don't tell our siblings or our parents. The Christian bible says some unkind things about me, but is fortunately silent on lesbian activities. Although the people we play with aren't married, so technically they are not my neighbors' wives. If only I could just enslave them and make them concubines or handmaidens; the Bible would be OK with that. But they are a lot of fun, and there is no harm done.
ReplyDeleteDM