After Thursday I have had a serious case of sub drop. I think. I'm actually not sure what is going on, but there are have been a lot of emotions running around in my brain after I got over the high of the experience.
All these questions keep nagging at me, and I can't figure out how to deal with them. I have talked to my Master, but when I ask things like "I am too slutty?" he says "No, of course not, don't be silly." Then I don't know what to say. I can't say "But what if I really am too slutty?" and then to add to that: "What if I shouldn't have written it all down for everyone to read? Wouldn't it be better to just keep it all in my head? What will people reading this think of me? Will they demand things from me or take liberties, and what if I want to say no and I don't? Are you sure I'm not too slutty?"
Of course what I really want is for him to slap me around and tell me to shut up and do as I'm told. This seems to make everything better, because then it's not ME being slutty, it's him commanding me. But this time he didn't.
Instead, we had a conversation. No, neither of us want to change course or do anything differently. Yes, we want to do the same things again, and more. Yes, his rules for me regarding other men are still in place. His conflicting emotions about that revolve around whether his willingness to share me means that he doesn't value me. Yes, he values me. Yes, he shares me without jealousy, and how do those things go together? It was causing him some cognitive dissonance. He finally decided that it is because sharing me doesn't devalue me in any way. We both have a good time. He still knows he owns me, and I know it.
This is my own analogy. It's like eating a big bowl of ice cream but sharing some with a good friend. It brings more enjoyment to the experience to share, not less, because there is a lot of ice cream there, more than one person could eat.
I think it is enviable how he manages to sum up and deal with his emotions that way. It seems neat and tidy from here. In my own head, I don't feel upset or unhappy today, I'm just having these thoughts spinning around in my head. I have questions, and I know the answers, but still the questions keep nagging at me.
The answer, I know, is the same one it always is: "Just obey".
It simplifies things down to the bare level of what this is about. It is what I do.
If he says this is what we are doing, then this is what we are doing. Obey without over- thinking things. Enjoy without guilt. I can do this.
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