So, in my periodically challenging life as a slave, Master has come up with some new fantasy ideas that he will implement. When he first brought it up, I had a lot of squicky feelings. I had a lot of internal resistance from other places too, though I didn't know exactly why. When he said it was what he wanted I told him I'd do it (of course, because it's not like I have a choice when he gives an order) but I wasn't sure I'd like it. That wasn't good enough. He didn't think my grudging acceptance, my "Whatever you want, Master", was good enough. At all.
On my walk today I was attempting to work some "slave magic" and come up with the reasons why I was so resistant. What came to me was pride. I have this certain idea of myself, my self concept, and things that mess with that hurt my pride.
I know some think that a slave who does this, that and the other lowly acts should not have any pride left. It's not true. Which is fine for some cases, like having pride in serving well.
But in this case, my pride was not in pleasing my Master to the best of my ability, it was about how I see myself, and not wanting to be seen as less than that by others (we aren't alone in his fantasy).
I don't think he meant the fantasy to make me feel that way, but in imagining it going down, that is how my mind was reacting to it.
I think the first step in getting rid of that is realizing it is there.
That's really enough steps for one day, right?
I haven't really figured out the next one, besides asking him for help.
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My master is the same in that he will not accept a "whatever you want" when it's actually something I don't want...it winds him up, says it's being disrespectful by not being honest.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I don't know if it will help but what I do is when I'm having a huge issue with something is I write bullet points of whatever negativity etc I'm feeling, I give it to him and we go through them one by one.
Other than that I just need a bit of time to process what's being asked of me and sometimes he will wait me out knowing I'm likely to go to him and beg him for xyz...to demonstrate I'm ready and willing.
X
Yes, processing time is a huge part of it. I feel a bit stuck now. See the bottom comment...
DeleteBy definition a slave has an inferior status and so the slave in a 24/7 M/S relationship is always being treated as inferior. How can someone who is willing to be a slave - especially in a relationship where she is regularly beaten (what are the long term health consequences of that?) - not avoid the reality of always being regarded as inferior? Of course, this does not exclude a certain sense of pride - but if she changes her mind and wants to be regarded as equal .. What about the master, whose ego will not allow him to give up his sense of absolute superiority - if it ever did?
ReplyDelete"what are the long term health consequences of that?"
DeleteYou should start a study! You could start by interviewing anyone who has ever played sports and gotten bruises that way. Maybe add in some skydivers to find out if the frequent adrenaline rushes caused cancer or something. Then finish up by asking the many MANY MANY aging kinksters in the world who are in their 70's, 80's, etc., some of whom still go to events and get their freak on, and find out if they are suffering any long term effects from having some mild (mild, in the world of extreme torture and heavy sports that cause concussions and broken bones,etc.) rough body play, a bit of spanking and a freaking awesome sex life for the last 50 years.
Then get back to us. We'll be waiting. In between awesomes, that is. :)
At least he doesn't punch me in the head. I could be like an aging boxer!
DeleteI did have a concussion once from a sledding accident (using a tree to the back of the head for sudden braking) when I was little, but no long term damage. I also used to jump off the garage roof just for fun. Not to mention riding barely broke horses.
DeleteSeriously though, my Master is a medical professional and is safety conscious to the highest degree, way more careful of me than I would be of myself.
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ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing these thoughts... always nice to know there are others who tackle the same questions!!
ReplyDeleteAlthough, @Anonymous, I think if you are in a quality M/S relationship, the slave, in theory, may be inferior (in so much as the acts/degradation/humiliation slave is having to perform), but in all actuality is completely equal. Without the slave, there is no master... and of course the inverse applies. But if you are in a relationship that is cognizant of the fact that a "good" slave is as hard to find as is a "good" master, and you both respect that.... the perhaps slave is no less inferior than master.
goodness me... does that ramble even make sense? giggle.
xoxoxo
polly
Sure, I get that idea. The philosophy we (Master and I) hold (because he told me this is our philosophy) is that I'm not inferior in general worth to anyone, but I am inferior to him in status. So, just because I'm lower than him on the pecking order doesn't make me worth less as a human being.
Deleteand that is why y'all are awesome. :) <3
DeleteAwwww, you're sweet!
DeleteI think I have to know what the thing is before we can discuss the next step. *cough*
ReplyDeleteSrsly tho, pride goeth before a fall. On the other side of that, though, is another, different sort of pride but one just as fulfilling- maybe more so since we're slaves and we're weirdly set up to find pride and satisfaction in a pleased Owner.
He said I worry too much about this stuff. It is a sort of role play that he's not all that attached to carrying out, actually, he told me, and so it may never happen. So I shouldn't worry about it.
DeleteLeaving me in limbo on dealing with the whole thing. So... hamster wheel overtime anyone?