Punishment

There is nothing about What We Do that twists me up inside as much as punishment.  Or, to be more specific, a lack of punishment messes with me in a bad way.  If  I know I deserve a punishment, because he's told me I will be getting one, and then he changes his mind for what ever reason and doesn't do it, or does it in way which is more rewarding than punishing (like hitting me without telling me the beating I'm getting actually IS a punishment) I feel lacking my mooring, all twisted up inside, confused, just bad all around, like my footing has been yanked from under me. 

  If he says "You are getting a reward today, and the reward will be no punishment," when I knew it was coming to me, I don't feel that as a reward.  I feel it like a kick in the stomach.  

I know, because he's told me a dozen or more times, that it is ALWAYS his right to decide these things for me, that I have no say at all in when or if I get punished, so that is not even a question in my logical mind.   I know he wants to do something nice for me by getting rid of something I don't like (punishment).  I try to appreciate that.

But in my emotional mind I still can't help feeling bad.  I will continue to and have tried my best to get rid of that bad feeling, to accept and surrender to his decision, and yet I go on feeling bad.  

The best I can do is pretend that I do not feel bad, and attempt to dodge talking about it, but that NEVER flies.  He can always tell when I'm upset and he always pries it out of me.  And then I feel bad again for bringing up the same old issue that he's sick of hearing about again.    

Last night I got double or triple punishments (I lost track) and I cried. I haven't cried real tears (more often I sob dryly) during anything he's done in ages, but last night I did.

But afterward I was calm and relaxed. I felt it had a resolution. An absolution and expiation. 

I thanked him, and I really meant it.  I am grateful.