Friday, January 20, 2017

Kink Of The Week: Safewords

What we have here is a semi safeword. 

I think safewords can be a valuable tool for play for many people, especially if they like to do any CNC or rape play where the submissive is allowed to say "No, don't, stop!" and not mean it.  The safeword gives them a way to clearly say they need to stop.

However, for all the people who don't use safewords, it can be equally good to simply use "Stop" or explain the problem and expect their partner to stop.  

Because it can't be said enough:

A safeword will not make you safe.  Having a trustworthy partner will go a lot farther to that end than any "magic" word. 

Also, having a safeword is not enough.

There are times when I have gone non verbal during play, and this actually happens to a lot of people.  We become unable to use a safeword, or explain any problem we are having, so it is important that Tops and Doms (and subs for that matter) realize this can happen and do check ins with a new partner if in doubt about their situation, and keep a close eye out on any partner they play with, new or not. 

The reason we have a semi safeword is that to most people, a safeword gives them the absolute right to end the play right there.  I don't have that right with my Master, so mine would be more like a quick warning to him that something is going very wrong with me.  

He would definitely check in with me at that point and then decide where we go from there.   There have been times he has completely taken it away for a session (as a bit of mindfuckery, since I don't actually use it anyway) or he's changed it to something impossible like antidisestablishmentarianism

We use the traffic light system, and there have been times especially while playing in public that he's asked me "What's your color?"  If I can't say green, or I say I'm not sure, he knows where my head is at (muddled).  

If I play with someone else, then my safeword means stop absolutely right now to do a check in.  My Master gives me that right because he wants me to be safe and have a non-traumatic time with others.  It might be OK to continue after the check in, depending what the problem is.  I have used "red" exactly one time now with someone other than my Master.  I have used "yellow" a few times in play with other people. 

Using a safeword is a big deal to me.  No matter how many times I hear people say that using a safeword is not a failure of any sort, deep down inside I partially feel that I have failed if I have to use it.  I feel I have failed to "just take it."   I have tried to talk myself out of this feeling, because intellectually I know it is not the best way to feel, it is not productive or helpful, but sometimes feelings will not be reasonable.   The time I used it, it was my best alternative in the moment, so that is a success, right? 

Read more about the Kink of the Week here:


  1. Thank you for bringing up "going non-verbal" - words (safewords or otherwise) only work when you can articulate them, and if a person is unable to do so, the words are useless. Not being able to speak is a side effect of intense pleasure (the "high") as well as an indicator of distress or confusion, and both parties need to be aware that it's not always clear which direction the mind is floating when that happens.

  2. I used to feel that saying it was failing but he taught me how to see it as a communication tool that allows us to explore our limits. There is no failing, there is only communicating and being honest


    1. That is what my head says too, but sometimes my feelings disagree.

  3. Totally agreed. And not being able to remember even Yellow or Red does happen. Doms shouldn't be waiting for safe words but actively checking the sub is ok.

    It's not a matter of constantly asking, "are you ok?" because that takes a lot of the fun out of it. It's about the dom keeping his or her eyes open, and paying attention.

    I've been safeworded twice, though I can go pretty hard and enjoy myself. Each time I felt that I'd missed something in front of me when I got the "red". So that wasn't good: I had to mark myself down for that.

    But I was incredibly pleased that she did, rather than have a miserable time. Doms who are worth your time want you to safeword rather than feel lost or frightened or unhappy. (Or even just have a sorer arse than you're able to deal with.)

    Safeword when you need to, without any doubts or guilt!

    1. I am a very stubborn person. And there has never been a scene in which I thought I took too much after it was all over the next day. I have loved and appreciated every mark, bruise, cut, and soreness that I've been given. There have been times when I safeworded because my own emotional state had been pushed, by the level of pain, from acceptance or pleasure to anger and reactance and I didn't feel that would serve either me or the dom to continue on. Basically, I was willing and able to fight back but didn't feel I had that right, so I used "red" instead.

  4. Like you, I feel like using my safeword is a disappointment, but I also know that it is better for me to do so than to push too far.

    And going non-verbal is a little scary no matter how m uch trust my partner. I'm considering finding a safe signal to see if that helps.

  5. I'm with you on the feeling of failure. Deep down I know it's a necessary communication but that doesn't stop me feeling like I've let him down if I've had to use it!


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