Abby's Question, Follow up Questions

I know there are other questions ahead of this, and I haven't forgotten them, but I feel like I should do the follow up right away.

Kaya asked:  

I feel like this needs more detail. Like, how did that conversation go? How has it matched up to your previous slave fantasies? Had he already been checking out bdsm porn, too, or how did he know what he wanted or what you wanted? Has there been a learning curve? Did you jump in the deep end, full on non-con, 24/7 or did you start slower, lighter? What parts have been better, and worse, than your fantasies?


I didn't write any of this down at the time, so I don't remember details about what I said or what he said, but I will try to get the general flavors of what happened.

 I asked if I could be submissive to him in the bedroom, which to me meant bondage and spanking (hand spanking).  He said he'd love that. It was very far from full on power exchange, at least in our minds at first.  It was being kinky in the bedroom.  But also, in my mind, being submissive meant not saying no.  So I didn't.  And he wanted A LOT of sex at first, basically because I had always been the sexual gatekeeper.  I felt I had to, because the guy just couldn't get enough!  For the first few weeks I was very sore from over use, but I still didn't say no, and he got a lot of blow jobs too.  This convinced him that I was serious about being submissive.  And then we had anal, which I had NEVER done and he'd always wanted.

  He was not serious about "I must have all the power!" in the beginning.  To him it was just a lark.  Which is honestly where all my fears of "What if he doesn't want to keep doing this forever?" came from, because once we started and I felt those submissive feelings, it became something I really needed.  I felt going back to the way we were would utterly destroy me.  Like being given a taste of paradise and then cast out.  Luckily for me, he has become as serious as me about the whole thing.   I don't really worry much now, except when I read about someone else's power exchange falling apart and then I get all "Oh noes!" again.  Though I try not to.

  He didn't and still doesn't watch BDSM porn.  He likes Scooby Doo parody porn, and Casting Couch (I admit I love Casting Couch too, that guy is just evil) and he likes blow job videos.   He's gotten most of his ideas for new play from watching other people in person, or from you and Scott with your pictures and stories! 

In the rest of our relationship, he already did control the financial aspects.  I had some input, but that was basically how we worked at that time. There wasn't a lot for me to give over to him there.   There are a lot of other aspects to our relationship, and the control in these crept in much more gradually.

I wrote about some of the pivotal incidents we had in Beginning of the Beginning, the first blog entry here.  There was the thing with the dishes, and another thing with accepting a command I didn't feel like following and being happy with that just because he said so.  Those sorts of incidents and my own feelings led to it becoming a 24/7 total authority transfer.  This process took about 3-4 months.  We had many, many conversations about it, and there was way too much to even remember.  He also had me write out my fantasies in my journal, because I had a really hard time talking about them.  Writing was easier.   I still remember one conversation when I asked him if I was allowed to say no.  His answer was that I could say no all I wanted and to him it would be like the wind in the trees. 

His thoughts in the beginning:  he thought I'd get tired of it after a while,  but he was hoping I didn't.  He thought I might get resentful and grouchy with him for having to serve, and he's happy it didn't work out that way either.  It just got better and better.  

My fantasy was pretty much nothing like reality.  In it, I was a slave to this big guy (it was important in the fantasy that he was big- not fat, just big) on some sort of plantation.  I lived in a harem house with a bunch of other slaves, and we were all chained up at night.  Every day he'd come in and get me, and I'd follow him around all day and serve him, but it was never sexual.  Sometimes he would hit me with a crop for some little mistake.  The sexual part only came about when he would give me to some of his friends and they would all hold me down and gang rape me.  

So, that is basically nothing like how I live.  But the feeling of being a slave, serving, having no control, being used, those are all the same in fantasy and reality.    Everything is better in reality.  

Abby asks:  
I love His answer to your question...was it unexpected or did you have an inking?

I did not have an inkling.   I remember being utterly filled with fear that he'd say no, or tell me that's weird and freaky and I'm not doing it, or any number of negative reactions to the BDSM part.  I never doubted that he'd love being in charge of when/where/how we had sex.  He had occasionally, throughout our history, made comments to me like "We should become Baptists/Muslims/Other fundamentalists so that you have to do everything I say."   And I would laugh that off. The joke is on me, right?

The other thing I once asked him out of curiosity was "What if I had come to you and said instead that I wanted to be the dominant one and tell you what to do all the time, and what if I was the sadist?" and his answer was "No way in hell would that be happening."

Somehow we blundered into being a good fit, through luck or effort or whatever.