Friday, March 4, 2016

Question from McKitten- What was that one thing??

These are exerts from a few posts I made on Fetlife, which I thought would make a good topic for discussion.  I never brought it up here, I don't know why, but anyway, here it is because McKitten had a question about what is this thing I couldn't do?  I am very hesitant to bring it up, it is kind of gruesome and still disturbing to me, but after talking to my Master, he said he said it would be fine with him if I wrote more about it. 

Here is the background:  

What happens when you discover a limit?

So, you are going along thinking you don't have limits and then BAM! something comes up and you just can't do it. You explain and beg tearfully that you just can't (for whatever reason) and he gives you another option, which you gratefully take.
Does this shake you up? What if you Master decided to allow it? Do you get kicked out of the no limit groups? (I'm sorta kidding on that one). But what does it mean for your relationship? Is there just the one exception or do you have to re-think everything? Does it make a difference that he decided to allow you to get out of it, or not? Does the fact that you were in a state of emotional breakdown at the time of refusing to do that thing (and there was no time to ease into it) make a difference or not?

 BTW, this was something that did happen, it was unrelated to kink or sex, and it took me a full week to even think "Oh, hmmm, I totally refused to do that, didn't I?"  When I did think that, it bothered me a little, but not unduly.

 At the time it happened, I didn't argue with Master, or use reasonable arguments, or have a discussion, I simply cried and 
said "I can't, I can't." And I probably would do the same again in the exact same situation. He didn't make a big deal out of it, because to him it wasn't, but it bothers in my brain a little bit with my actions not matching up to what I thought/said about myself.

What happened was one of our sheep had been fatally injured and I called Master and asked him to come home and deal with it.  But he couldn't leave in the middle of a surgery.   So he told me "Go get the sharpest knife..."
I was already on the edge of panic, but I pretty much lost it there.  I couldn't do it, I couldn't even think of doing it, and I couldn't even imagine how I would know which was our sharpest knife.  What if I picked the wrong one? What if I did more harm than good?  Panic, panic. 

Eventually he called around town and found another vet that would come out here and put the sheep down.  Even that was hard, I was crying, and because with that dangerous drug in it, the carcass couldn't be left out where wild animals (or my cat) could eat it and also be killed.  So the three of us rather small women: the vet, her helper and me had to lift this 200 lb deadweight into a wheelbarrow and haul that through deep snow to the barn.  Master and I were able to bury it several days later, even through the snow and frozen ground.  

  So, I'm not a perfect human or perfect slave.  I never thought I was. So, I couldn't do one thing. So what? I can still do/have done a lot of other things.  

I did talk to my Master after I wrote the post, and he hadn't even given that day one more thought, other than feeling bad that he wasn't there with me. There is nothing to forgive, nothing has changed, he said. He said he tried to get me to do one thing, and then seeing the state of mind I was in (panic/hysterical) he decided he would be unwise to continue pushing for that and he gave me another option. He didn't think I was able, in my frame of mind, to do what he was telling me to do. There was no option of force because we were on the phone. He couldn't leave work (in the middle of surgery).

Possibly, it is a limitation, or maybe just being a human and having human type reactions to things that are traumatic.   I'm not worried anymore, but for a few days I was unsettled.  It gave me a sense of worry about "How could he tell me to do that?" 
But I know that he could do it himself.  I've seen him.  

And then finally it gave me a sense of confidence in him, that if I can't do something one way I'm not failing him, he will simply come up with another option and we will go on just as strongly. 

8 comments:

  1. wow
    I never thought of things out side of kink/sex to be limits.. there are "human" things like this that I couldnt do or handle but I never put the "limit" label on them.. good thing to think about..
    thank you for writing this.. and kudos to a loving master who just changes the plan when something cant be handled

    ss

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    1. The thing about being a slave, for me, is that it is ALL the time, not just during sexy fun times. Those times can be hard, though.

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  2. Oh golly (((hugs))) I dont think I could have done it either :(

    'If I can't do something one way I'm not failing him, he will simply come up with another option and we will go on just as strongly.'

    YES! So much this.

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    1. I am of conflicted minds about this. On one hand, I really DON'T want him to be easy on me or give me latitude. But then on the other, I really do want him to. Especially for stuff like this.

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  3. Thanks for posting this, it is an interesting dilemma...one that I have wondered ...what if. What if i just couldn't obey....How would i live with myself after....Knowing Master, He would find a way to make it OK for both of us....but what if??
    hugs abby

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  4. I have considered the same question, though not with an example to draw from. But limits or not, your Master saw that the situation wasn't right to push you. Maybe if he had been there with you and could support you as you had to do it, it may have been easier. But those decisive moments are a difficult time to discuss limits.

    And not that my opinion matters, but I still think you are an amazing slave. As someone who has had to 'find the sharpest knife' on our farm before, I can completely understand it being a limit.

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    1. Mystique came to visit me today. She's amazing all the time, and today she told me that if I get in this situation I should call her. She has a gun and knows how to shoot. I mean, damn, where else you going to find a friend like that? I'm pretty much floored and speechless at the same time.

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  5. I didn't worry about this because I find it useful to think of ksst as a tool. I would not take the sharpest knife in the house, however useful it is for cutting onions and try to cut down a tree with it, nor hammer a nail, nor tighten a screw as it would at best be tiresome and at worst wreck the tool. ksst couldn't do it. She wasn't going to do it. Yelling at her or trying to make her would only wreck her. It would be a sign of poor judgement. It would not be useful.
    Nor did I think this was a horrible betrayal of my trust or a sign that she really had limits and had to turn in her 'NO LIMITS SLAVE' card. If it were important enough to me, I would train her to do this. I would prefer for it to just not happen again.
    DM, master of the wily twuntalope

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