These are exerts from a few posts I made on Fetlife, which I thought would make a good topic for discussion. I never brought it up here, I don't know why, but anyway, here it is because McKitten had a question about what is this thing I couldn't do? I am very hesitant to bring it up, it is kind of gruesome and still disturbing to me, but after talking to my Master, he said he said it would be fine with him if I wrote more about it.
Here is the background:
What happens when you discover a limit?
So, you are going along thinking you don't have limits and then BAM!
something comes up and you just can't do it. You explain and beg
tearfully that you just can't (for whatever reason) and he gives you
another option, which you gratefully take.
Does this shake you up? What if you Master decided to allow it? Do
you get kicked out of the no limit groups? (I'm sorta kidding on that
one). But what does it mean for your relationship? Is there just the
one exception or do you have to re-think everything? Does it make a
difference that he decided to allow you to get out of it, or not? Does
the fact that you were in a state of emotional breakdown at the time of
refusing to do that thing (and there was no time to ease into it) make a
difference or not?
BTW, this was something that did happen, it was unrelated to kink or
sex, and it took me a full week to even think "Oh, hmmm, I totally
refused to do that, didn't I?" When I did think that, it bothered me a little, but not unduly.
At the time it happened, I didn't argue with Master, or use reasonable
arguments, or have a discussion, I simply cried and
said "I can't, I
can't." And I probably would do the same again in the exact same
situation. He didn't make a big deal out of it, because to him it wasn't,
but it bothers in my brain a little bit with my actions not matching up to what I
thought/said about myself.
What happened was one of our sheep had been fatally injured and I called Master and asked him to come home and deal with it. But he couldn't leave in the middle of a surgery. So he told me "Go get the sharpest knife..."
I was already on the edge of panic, but I pretty much lost it there. I couldn't do it, I couldn't even think of doing it, and I couldn't even imagine how I would know which was our sharpest knife. What if I picked the wrong one? What if I did more harm than good? Panic, panic.
Eventually he called around town and found another vet that would come out here and put the sheep down. Even that was hard, I was crying, and because with that dangerous drug in it, the carcass couldn't be left out where wild animals (or my cat) could eat it and also be killed. So the three of us rather small women: the vet, her helper and me had to lift this 200 lb deadweight into a wheelbarrow and haul that through deep snow to the barn. Master and I were able to bury it several days later, even through the snow and frozen ground.
So, I'm not a perfect human or perfect slave. I never thought I
was. So, I couldn't do one thing. So what? I can still do/have done a
lot of other things.
I did talk to my Master after I wrote the post, and he hadn't even
given that day one more thought, other than feeling bad that he wasn't
there with me. There is nothing to forgive, nothing has changed, he
said. He said he tried to get me to do one thing, and then seeing the
state of mind I was in (panic/hysterical) he decided he would be unwise
to continue pushing for that and he gave me another option. He didn't
think I was able, in my frame of mind, to do what he was telling me to
do. There was no option of force because we were on the phone. He
couldn't leave work (in the middle of surgery).
Possibly, it is a limitation, or maybe just being a human and having human type reactions to things that are traumatic. I'm not worried anymore, but for a few days I was unsettled. It gave me a sense of worry about "How could he tell me to do that?"
But I know that he could do it himself. I've seen him.
then finally it gave me a sense of confidence in him, that if I can't
do something one way I'm not failing him, he will simply come up with another
option and we will go on just as strongly.
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