With all the writings and groups that discuss the subjects of polyamory, polyfuckery, jealousy, and cuckqueaning out there I don't feel like I fit in anywhere with my feelings. Which is ok. I'm working on being better at letting myself accept my own feelings without thinking they have to be the mirror of anyone else. The problem comes when I try to express them, I have no mirror to help me, and I worry that it will come out sounding all wrong or really messed up. Because of that, I have really avoided the topic of how Master deals with this issue. I also haven't found any group where I really fit in to discuss this, and I'm naturally a joiner, not a loner.
So, just to start out with this: my feelings are complicated, but they are not really messed up in the sense of torturing or upsetting me. This piece of writing is intended to be an exploration of my feelings.
A discussion with my Master recently (while we were in the woods that one day) provided me with some much appreciated clarity on his motives and what he's been doing to me, which in turn provided me with relief that my own feelings were not confused for no purpose. He has a definite purpose, and hearing it made me get the butterflies in the tummy and a dampness in the panties.
It comes down to one simple word: power.
Having it gives him a hard-on.
Not having it, and especially having him rub in my face that I don't have it, gives me the lady equivalent.
So many times when you read about poly, it is all about fairness. How the s-type will feel horrible things if they aren't allowed the same freedom in relationships outside the M/s relationship if they aren't allowed some sort of equality there. I don't feel that way. Others might, but I don't. Don't want it, don't need it. He can tell me to fuck others or not (which is a total kick for him, btw), but I have no desire to go out on my own.
On the opposite side, when the writing from a cuckquean point of view, it is always about how much they desire to see their Master off with someone else, how much they want to feel the pain of being rejected/humiliated, how they hope for it, long for it. I have toyed around with those feelings, but I feel like a reluctant masochist at best there. Very reluctant.
I love the fact that he can do what ever he wants without consulting me, and he can rub it in my face. He can talk about others, and make comparisons and I hate that part, hate being compared in any way, but at the same time I love my powerlessness in that situation. I just have to take what he's dishing out in terms of emotional sadism. I have to feel those feelings. Maybe sometimes it is hot (ok, it is always hot, but for different reasons) but other times it makes me sad. But either way, I have absolutely no say. And THAT is what turns me on. He knows all this, and in fact he explained it to me. He explained my feelings better than I could myself.
I asked him if he'd always longed to have this power over me. He said yes, but he'd always tried to squash it down before I asked him to take me over, to be my Dom. Just as I'd tried to get rid of my submissive feelings! It seems silly now, but after all it is how we were brought up.
From his end, when he sees me not showing any overt jealousy, being positive and encouraging, he knows it is still there under the surface. And the slightly twisted thing is, it turns him on to know that I'm submitting myself in that way- that I'm not saying anything, or that I'm encouraging him to do whatever he wants out of a pure submissive impulse. He pokes at my feelings just slightly, whenever they seem too blase, because he wants to know that they are still there. And he reads the truth in my face. I will never be unfeeling or purely altruistic. Yes, I have felt compersion a lot, but I also even more strongly have that emotional masochism that says "Yes, debase me in every way possible!" Even though I try to deny it.
It is a complicated dance of emotional sadism/masochism. His explanations really helped me know my part in all of this a little more clearly.
I'm going to differentiate here between times I feel jealousy (perhaps envy is a better word?) and the times we have had group scenes or swapping or group sex. None of those cause me jealousy/envy because I am right in there having ALL THE FUNS! with him. It is the times when he tells me he's going to go off and do things with someone else without me that I have a hard time with my feelings.
It doesn't matter if that "thing" is lunch or sex. I still have a hard time with it either way. I told you I'm not altruistic. And I'm just going to say that the times he talks about doing those things without me outnumber the times that he actually does them, by like 100 to 1.
I find it fascinating that my number one all time popular blog post continues to be Cuckquean Fantasy
so a lot of people must be searching for that sort of thing. I wrote it back a little over two years ago and since then I have searching myself for a better understanding of what is going on inside my murky innards.
I feel like I have a much better grasp on those feelings now and their relationship to power, and also more comfort in knowing more about Master's desires and objectives. My feelings are distinctly less mixed up.
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