Relaxing at Night

We had a very full weekend and my holes got thoroughly fucked- six times!  Thanks to Master, last night my pussy was so sore that every time he touched it I was wincing and shrinking away.  I think he was having fun poking me and then say "Oh, did that hurt?  Is the cunny cunt sore?"   And then I would make faces (shooting daggers? pouts? some of each?) before saying "Yes, Master, sore".

He said he'd give me the night off anyway, because he was tired.  We headed up to bed, but then he thought a nice flogging might relax him, so I got naked and got in position.  The flogging was really light, except for sometimes, but then he used the whip and the cane some, and even the belt.  Finally he took the cane and stuck it between my legs, then lifted up, hard.  I squeaked and grabbed him, trying to get up on my toes to avoid the stick. 

Which did not work.  At all.

He took the cane away, and pulled my hair back, lifting my face, to kiss me.

"Good slave" he said.

Now he was all relaxed and ready for bed.   

 

Bad Orgasm

Bad Orgasm
Can there be such a thing?  Yes, if Master tortures you while forcing you to cum!

Today, after some really hot morning sex, and apropos of nothing, little slave girl said to Master, "I know what your thinking about now!"

I looked at her with bemusement, so she continued, "You're thinking about blowing on my tummy!"

As you all know this is something I love, and she hates.  I replied that I wasn't thinking about it then, but now I was, but this time it was going to be interesting.  I know about ksst's desire to service multiple cocks at the same time.  Not even men, or guys, just their cocks; to be surrounded by hard cocks, demanding her attention, and getting them off in in all her holes, their cum splattering ksst's face, tits, and belly.  I proceded to describe ksst tied on her back on a spanking bench, surrounded by hard cocks, covered and dripping with cum, and  forced to get them off, but not allowed to cum until someone blew on her tummy.  "What do you think of that?"  I asked.  "Whatever Master wants."  she replied, but I looked at her face and just laughed.  The shock and horror were clearly visible.

"I can make you cum when someone blows on your tummy."  I now asserted.  "I can make that your trigger!"  Then I started giving ksst the hand sign to orgasm while nibbling on her nipples.  The jutted hard from her chest, and she  had a huge orgasm.  See, I said, a huge orgasm while I was blowing on your tummy!  Foolishly, little ksst replied, "But you didn't blow on my tummy."  I took this as a further challenge and began sucking on her tits and nipples, nibbling on her tummy, and licking her navel without blowing while giving ksst the hand signal to orgasm over and over again.  You want to be a pirate princess?  I asked, well after being fucked by the entire crew, they all get to blow on your tummy.  "Count the tummy blows!"  and he blew 4 times on my stomach in rapid succession.  Only 200 crewmen I chortled.  196 tummy blows to go!

ksst was now seriously squirming and wiggling, but I had ordered her to hold on to the headboard's spindles, so she was helpless.  Finally, I nibbled and kissed all around her belly button while she wiggled and moaned starting, but not completing, the signal to orgasm.  With a huge raspberry on her belly, I closed my fist triggering an orgasm that lasted almost a minute.  A bad orgasm.

DM

Pirate Whore

Master sent me upstairs to wait for him.  I thought he'd be awhile longer than he was, so I was on the bed when he came in.

"Why aren't you kneeling on the floor waiting for me, is this some sort of slave revolt?"

"No, Master, I was working on a fantasy story I'm writing."

This still wasn't very acceptable, but was better than just being in revolt.  He spanked me and laid on top of me as I lay on my stomach, pressing me down. 

"You're wearing too much". 

I pushed up to my knees and removed my robe.  He pressed me down again and entered me from behind.  He held my wrists pinned.  He whispered threats in my ear.   My head hung over the side of the bed.  I pushed my ass up into him to receive him eagerly.

Eventually I ended up tied spread eagled on the bed while he cropped most of my body.  It is such a different, more helpless feeling to be tied down well during the beating than just being expected to lie still.  I found that my definition of "lying still" the way I normally do it was nothing like as still as I had to be this time.   When he hit my cunt I couldn't close my legs.  I could try, but ineffectually.   When he hit my face or stomach I couldn't flap my hands in the way.  I could turn the other cheek but that just left the other cheek to be smacked.   I was open.  Exposed.  Totally vulnerable.  

He knelt over my face and told me to beg him not to rape me.   I did, really getting into my part of the innocent maiden captured by pirates.  Role playing can be fun.  He slapped me, and threatened to make it a lot worse if I didn't obey.  He grabbed my chin and turned my head back to him, forced his cock down my throat.  

He face fucked me as I lay tied, going down my throat until I couldn't breath, then backing out a second while I gulped some air.

He moved down between my legs.  I begged some more, pleading most earnestly not to be a "ruined woman".   He made more vile threats.  He said I'd be so degraded that even being a whore would be a step up.  Men would see me in the street and just fuck me right there, without asking or paying, and I would thank them for noticing me.   Then I was begging him to take me away with his pirate band to be the crew whore, and not to leave me on the streets like that.  

He made no promises, but slapped my face and tits, and fucked me instead.     

He fucked me long and hard with many things- the anal beads in my ass, the handle of a paddle, his fingers, his cock.  I must have had over a dozen or two orgasms but I didn't count them.  

And that was only the first session of the day.   Later on he would fuck me twice more.   

I may be happiest "ruined woman/pirate whore" around.  :)

A Whole Lot of Fantasy

The last few days I have had a whole series of fantasies floating around in my head.  They are kind of begging to be written, but at the same time, I don't really want to let them out.  They are almost a romantic little treasure floating around half formed.  But if I wrote one down, it would be fully formed, set in print would lose some of the romance of being unformed.  

Most of them involve going on a road trip to visit people and the kinky events that ensue...


---------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night it was very good to have Master home again.  We made sweet tender love in the deep of night.  Ok, really, it started sweet but then we got to the good parts of tit-and face-slapping/his fist trying to get in my mouth/hard pounding/spanking sexy good times. 

At 5:00 I was woken up by his alarm, and him telling me to get up.  Before I could move he was on top of me, nudging my legs apart with his knee and entering me, no preamble necessary.

I was reading a thing on Fet yesterday about "How do you set the mood?"   

This is pretty much it.  I'm awake, I'm in the mood.   

Then I got up and made breakfast.

Just waiting....

...for Master to get home.  He's been gone since early Tuesday morning, which seems like an eternity.   I get to talk to him a few times a day, for a few minutes, but since mostly he's working or sleeping, not much more than that. 

I should probably pick up the kitchen a little bit- it is pretty much a disaster from cooking dinner and with boots and shoes all over the place.   I did the vacuuming and sweeping and cleaned the bathroom earlier.  Yesterday I cleaned Master's bathroom thoroughly.   

Tomorrow is my therapist appointment, and I talked to Master last night about what I was going to say right at first.  He even had me write it down in case I get tongue tied.  I can just give the person the note.  I really am the worst at this talking to strangers about personal stuff.   Too bad I can't just have them read my blog.  I feel more like I'm going to be on trial than I'm going to have them help me.   Argh.   I worry about stuff too much. 

Kink of the Week- Dildos

Dildos- What Can I Say?

I do not have a dildo.  What, what?  
What, you say?  
How can that be? 

It just happens that Master never bought me one, so I don't have a plain dildo of any sort, that's all.   

I have a couple of insertable vibrators that he bought for me, which I really don't use any more since I got the Hitachi magic wand.  It really is that magic to me, that it replaced the other, lesser toys.   

When I want to come while masturbating (I am allowed once per day when he's not home without asking- if he is home I'd have to ask first) I much prefer the exterior vibration to having anything inserted.   If I want to get really elaborate, or am having trouble reaching an orgasm on my own (it happens) I'll use anal beads on myself.  I like those.   

Master also uses the magic wand on me often, but if he's going to insert something in me it will usually be a part of him.  Or on rare occasions the handle of a paddle or other more random item. 

I wouldn't call using a dildo, vibrator or other similar sex toys kinky at all.  To me that is just part of a normal nilla sex life.    What do you think?  Kinky or vanilla?

Snippet

One morning last weekend Master called me over to stand beside his seat at the kitchen table, as he often does. 

He parted my robe and lifted my shirt, which is also not unheard of.

Then he took his hot mug of tea and pressed it up against my stomach.  My stomach is my weak spot.  It is like a great big ball of tenderness and I always want to protect it from being touched.   Or especially from being hurt.

I shrieked, but didn't jump away because his other arm was around me, holding me still.

He laughed and asked how I was going to stand being branded if I couldn't even stand a little warm tea.  He even put the mug against his cheek afterward to show that it wasn't burning hot.   I think his stubble insulated him, though, since it felt plenty burning to me.

I said I guessed I would take branding with a lot of screaming.  And he'd have to tied me down first. 

Back To Work

Master headed back to work, leaving me with a sore and bruised butt after much playing this long weekend.   He caned and paddled me again last night before we turned in.   

There is a very bright spot for both of us, which is not for sure yet, but he may be able to work closer to home eventually.   I'm terribly excited, but trying to rein it in until we know for sure. 

Who is pouncing on whom?

"Master, can I pounce on you?" I asked playfully as he climbed into bed last night.  

"Roll over, slave", he answered, and I immediately rolled away from him.   Then I heard him rummage in his night stand.  

Well, hmm.  What could he be looking for?  This certainly wasn't going according to my pouncing plans.

"Where's the lube?" he says.  That usually only means one thing.

"I think it might still be in our bag?" I said. That is the bag we take when we go out.

"Oh well, doesn't matter", he said.

My butt cheeks clenched a bit... doesn't matter?

He fished a short paddle out of the drawer. 

He began humming a little tune, and whacking my butt.  Whacking and humming.   When I was good and sore he had me flip over and spread my legs.  A few dozen solid thwaps on my pussy and thighs, then he told me to cum.  I did.

He turned me back onto my stomach and spanked me thoroughly, getting harder and harder blows with the paddle until I was whimpering quietly.  Then after a bit I think I was still, quiet and probably in subspace.

The spanking was done and he said it was time for sleep.  He had already used my cunt and then cum in my mouth earlier that afternoon and evidently he didn't need anything more.

I rolled over into cuddling position and went immediately to sleep. 


--------------------

This morning I was up bright and early to make biscuits and bacon.  After breakfast Master had me suck his cock for a good long time while he played on the computer.  I couldn't see what he was playing or watching.   A few times I asked if we could go upstairs, but he merely pulled me back down and said that I had to wait.  Waiting is good for me.  Evidently.

I was so turned on I was dripping wet.  I came several times just while sucking him.

Finally he said to go upstairs.  He told me to get a towel and lie on it, on the bed.  I did this and he brought over an assortment of fun things:  the lube (which he found in the main toy drawer in my dresser), the long wavy paddle, and the magic wand (yay!).

He paddled me again on my already VERY sore ass (I STILL can't sit on a hard chair- I'm carrying my cushion around) and fucked me long and hard.  He shoved some things in my ass and fucked me more.  He had me use the magic wand and forced orgasms out of me until I reached incoherence.  It was marvelous.  Then we  cuddled up in that perfect afterward glowing spot with my head nestled on his arm. I sometimes wish I could just stay in that place forever.  I'll carry the memory of it in my mind anyway.   Such a good spot.

 So, things really HAVE been looking up for me.
 

 

Things are looking up

Master told me that I AM talking to a therapist on Monday, since he has a special service on his new insurance.  I didn't want to put it off over the weekend because I was afraid by Monday I'd be ready to chicken out, but he told me he's going to make me call anyway.  

I suspect that I have PMDD  which I actually just looked up the other day when someone else was talking about it.  (Nothing like self diagnosis, huh?)  Or possibly regular old PMS which is getting worse due to other life stresses. 

I am totally paranoid about psychologists/therapists/all that though.  I'm afraid many of them are very fucked up people in their own way who won't help me at all, and may hurt me (I have heard horror stories).  I'm afraid I'll say the wrong things and get Master in trouble/arrested.  Or I'll be afraid to open up and say anything at all.  I can be rather clam-like.  

He says I need to start out right away saying things like "I'm in a consensual BDSM power exchange relationship, is that going to be an issue for you?" But the thought of saying something like that out loud to someone who may judge me for it absolutely petrifies me to death.  Which are just some of the reasons I am afraid I would chicken out on this if it were optional.   

A few months ago I actually had found a therapist for these same issues and talked on the phone to her about maybe making an appointment.  She was kink-friendly, and seemed to understand my various issues that have to do with being a slave, but the downside was that I'd have to drive an hour and a half each way to see her (no phone therapy would be possible) and no insurance would cover it.  Because it wasn't life and death, I just couldn't see justifying the expense for my stupid moods.    However, my latest episode scared me.  It scared Master too.  But I think it scared me even more how out of control I felt, how desperate.  I feel deeply ashamed, and weak, and ungrateful, about the whole thing, but something has to be done.  

It was suggested that I just talk to my GP about this, but I don't actually have one that I like.  I'm thinking about changing clinics completely.   

In other news, we have two offers on our house now, but we put in some seriously much higher counter offers with major contingencies.   So we'll see what happens.

This was supposed to be an all kinky sex blog today, and turned out into a long emotion vent, but oh well.  Maybe next I'll write something kinky... because it has been GOOOOD the last few days.

I'm not mine to hurt

I'm not really up for writing everything in the blog, but just wanted to write this here as a reminder.

Master owns me.  I'm his property.  I don't get to hurt his property.  

 I failed in this yesterday, and he forgave me because there were circumstances... but anyway, I am still not allowed to do that for any reason, nor to ask him if I can hurt myself for any reason, and he still punished me for breaking a rule.    

After that was done came the very good kind of play.   He broke the next to last cane we have- time to buy more, and maybe upgrade to sturdier ones.   A helpful friend suggested carbon fiber or steel.   The longer stripes are from his whip.  Also, I got a seriously good fucking.  

Master's fingers appear in the blog!

Obedience

mcKitten's comment reminded me of this passage from Slavecraft:

For slaves, our obedience determines what can be enjoyed.  It gives us our self esteem and pleasure.  It connects us. It gives us purpose.  It validates us.  i have come to believe that obedience is the very spirit of slavery; it is the special charisma of slave creatures.  Obedience is the structural steel of our slave identity, and the spine of the slave's conviction.  Obedience alone determines what is right and what is wrong.  It frees a slave to be what only a slave can be- one whose will has been replaced by that of another.  Obedience is usually the single most important concern of a slave, and this frees us from almost all other concerns.  It is the overarching principle through which right and wrong is assessed by us, and by Those we serve.   

The slave asks himself only, "Did I obey?"  If the answer is "yes", then he did everything he could or should do.   If the answer is no, then, at best, he did nothing worth noting.  At worst, he was disobedient and perhaps even insolent.

While some of this may be hyperbolic fantasy (ie. the slave's will being replaced entirely by another's is just not happening to most of us, I am betting, except in limited doses), for me realizing the core of what the author is saying IS liberating. 

Say I feel guilt for not doing something I think I ought to do, but then Master says "I order you" not to do that thing.  I have obeyed him, so why should I feel guilty for not doing something I was ordered not to do?  I can't anymore, because obedience is the main thing, not doing what I think I ought. 

 It is freeing.    

If my orders for the day were A, B and C, and I did those things, I don't feel guilty for not doing D, E and F as well. 

It takes away some of the wondering and doubt. 

Toes in the Water, Ass in the Sand

Last night after the kids were in bed and the chores were done we sat on the couch and had a good talk about what was up with me (uncertainty about the future and whoremoans mainly, the same old stuff).

We talked about what is going on in the rest of our lives.  We have two offers on our house this week but Master doesn't think he wants to move or sell it anymore.   So we talked about that.   Real life stuff.  Ugh.   I floated the idea of selling everything, moving to a tropical island and selling shell necklaces on the beach for a living.  He could doctor the island's puppies and kitties in exchange for weed. 

"I've got my toes in the water and and my ass in the sand..."

Anyway, such are the daydreams of a frozen Northlander.  

I told him I felt guilty about not having a job.  He told me to quit that.  He didn't see any way that I could work outside the home and still take care of everything here, and he would not allow it anyway.  He needs me to be here at home.  This has been decided.  I don't have to feel guilty if it is an order. 

After that he took me upstairs, gave me a hard and very pleasurable/painful caning, and I sucked him off.  

It is a bit surreal in a weird and wonderful way being made to sing along to "Rainbow Connection" while the cane stings ones ass.

 



 

Spin Doc

I have to admit I will try to put a positive spin on getting a splinter.  I do this because I think if I complain too much everyone will vanish and I won't have friends.  Really.   

And then there is Master.   He sent me to bed last night with the command "Be Happy" after finding me crying when he called me (I had sent him the message of only "I need you").

He called again this morning.  I was in the middle of crying as I cleaned up the kitchen.  
 
He said "I'm coming home tonight".   He wasn't supposed to be back until tomorrow night.   

Perspective

Master told me that before he got to know how masochists (me, and others) think, he always had assumed that S&M was about the Top's pleasure, and the only thing the bottom got out of it was the pleasure of having submitted and pleased their Top.

I had always thought the opposite, before learning more about sadists.   I always thought the majority of pleasure must being going to the one on the bottom.   

It is funny how this perspective was in place before we even started doing this ourselves.

Now, I think we both rationally, on the surface, understand that both sides are getting something good out of it, but what that something is, I'm not sure either of us can really understand at a deep level. 

Just Plain Life

We got a bunch of things accomplished yesterday.   I woke early, maybe 6:30 or so, as usual, and tried to get up but Master was all wrapped around me.  It was so cuddly and nice to be held tight, but at the same time I'm thinking "coffee, coffee, coffee..."

I tried to get up again after a little while and Master said "Roll over and let me warm up on you."  We stayed like that for a long time, him gently snoring and me lying there thinking about whether I should stay or get up without asking.

Around 7:30 he told me I could get up.  

When he got up I made blueberry pancakes, then started some laundry after I cleaned the kitchen.  We sneaked off upstairs for a quick fuck, then Master fixed a basement light fixture while I cleaned our room.  After lunch, and after I'd started some potato soup in the crockpot for dinner, we broke the ice out of the sidewalk.  With the melting and freezing it had accumulated about three inches of solid ice and it was time to break it out.  

We started at each end with shovels and got down to a really stubborn patch in the middle when he looked at it and said "Wait, I have a plan."

I looked up at him expectantly.

"Slave, break out all that ice" he said.  Then he laughed and went to get a sledgehammer.  He broke the rest with that, and we can now get from driveway to the house without all the slippery ice. 

Then we got the saw and wheelbarrow and went out to the woods to cut deadwood for the stove.  He did the cutting and I did the hauling and stacking in the wheelbarrow, as well as wheeling it back to the house and dumping it on the back porch.   The snow is deep and tricky out in the snowy woods.  Sometimes you can stay on top and sometimes you sink in about a foot.  I kept thinking I should have taken my snowshoes, but never did go back for them.

That pretty well wore us out.  We got back inside, Master built a fire and I finished up making the soup.  It turned out great. 

Here is the recipe:  BBQ soup 
 
After dinner we played Settlers of Cataan with the kids, which turned into Family Feud as the older kid picked on the younger.  Arg.  Master won the game of course.

 He has to work today, but next weekend he'll have 4 days in a row off.  This morning was my last chance to see him until possibly Thursday late, so I made sure to get up with him at 5:30 and make his tea and breakfast.  Normally when he gets up that early he'd let me have the extra 1/2 hour of sleep. 


 

 

Master's Guest Blog

Master's Guest Blog

Anonymous asked what I was like, and I thought that you would get a better idea from my writings.  ksst's writings tend to give me a wholly inappropriate halo.  So, to quote a famous Homer, I am a kind man, a simple man.   A man who loves the simple pleasures of being served by his slave, and beating her in return.

My philosophies tend to be rational and pragmatic.  The distilled essence of everything I believe can be summed up as, "Cheer up!  Things will get worse!"  My official philosophy I call enlightened self interest, which means that I look to my own self interest first, but in a big picture way.  I don't lie, cheat, or steal because ultimately people find out that you do this and treat you differently and worse.  At its core is the belief that the world would be a better and happier place if we all looked a little more long term for our own best interests, but that seems beyond most people.

I am of course arrogant with the arrogance of the intellectual who rarely has to do anything practical.  I quote Shakespeare because I like Shakespeare, not just because I am pretentious.  My theme song is a lovely WW II ditty called "Fuck 'Em All."  Fuck 'Em All

DM

Interlude

I brought Master his tea, and stood next to his chair with my coffee in hand.

"Put that down" he said.

I put the coffee on the counter, and as I did he stood up and grabbed me by the throat with one hand and by the front of my robe with the other.    Shoving me hard up into a corner he growled at me,

"Thinking about you makes me so hard."

Eeee! Squish!  And my fuzzy pjs were wet, just that fast.  No underwear at the time, I just had my pj bottoms on.  

He pulled apart my robe and took the old cami with the frayed lace edgings in both hands.

Rrrrrippppp!  Torn in half, the edges dangled apart.   

"Slut. Whore. Cunt.  I bet you are all wet now."

"Yes, Master".   It was a major understatement. I think there was a  flood down there and FEMA would probably have to be brought in with their sand bags and shacks.  

He pressed into my neck again with his hand, pinning me harder against the wall.   Then he moved his grip to my hair and shoved me ahead of him, guiding me toward the stairs.   Halfway up I could feel the tension in his whole body mounting and I got ready to be thrown on the stairs.  He did so, pushing me to all fours there and grinding against me, before ordering me to hurry up to our room. I had lost my houseshoe, and I as felt around for it he smacked me a few times and told me to hurry up.   But house shoe!

I hurried up.   He had me on the floor and was thrusting into me immediately.  He took the remnants of my shirt and stuffed it in my mouth, flipping me over to fuck me on all fours.

   Then we moved to the bed.  He removed the shirt gag and told me to get the vibrator.  I laid it on the bed, then sucked him until he pulled me on top to fuck him.   He grabbed both my wrists and told me to use the vibrator.  

Well, I can't really now, can I?  You've got me.  Which I didn't say outloud because it was obvious what he wanted.  He wanted me to fight.   I struggled against his hold, trying to get away as he commanded over and over in tones of increasing sternness 

"Pick it up!  Why aren't you getting it?"  

  Finally he released my wrists and as I turned the vibrator on he raised his hand for a tremendous smack on my tit.   Without thinking, my arm came up and blocked him as his hand fell.   

"Are you blocking me?" Slightly incredulously.

"Yes, Master".   Very sheepishly.

He pinned both my wrists in his one hand, and with the other delivered very hard smacks to both tits, leaving handprints, and to my face, a little less hard.

This continued on, with many intense orgasms that all ran together into one big slush of delicious, until he was ready to cum, and he pushed my head down to take his cock in my mouth.  He told me to keep using the vibrator.  As he came, enveloped in my mouth, I also came hard, again.  

Afterward, he gave me a good smacking with the crop, just because.   

I love my life.

 



 

Questions Part 16

 Which of your life passions have been put on-hold to currently live in the lifestyle? 

Training the dogs had been put on hold almost completely.  I trained working stockdogs (herding sheep,cattle, even ducks), and trialed them, for years.  Now, I'm just not interested in traveling, and Master has never really gone with me on those trips, so the training went on hold too because I lacked motivation.  I talked to him about this a lot, and it was making him a bit sad, that I was giving it up, so I asked him to help me get back on a training schedule, at least back before the fields were too snowy to work in.  So I was doing a bit more with the dogs last fall, and it was good.  I'll start up on my schedule again when spring gets here. 

What is one thing you think your readers would be surprised to learn about you? 

Probably that five years ago I couldn't hardly bring myself to say "cunt" "cock" or "cum", much less write a whole blog about sex.


 Are you able to spend ANY money freely such as a weekly type of allowance? 

I don't have any kind of allowance.   I have pretty much free rein on necessities such as groceries, gas, and things for the kids that they really need.  For anything a little more expensive, anything optional that is more than a few bucks or for eating out, I have to ask.    

 What are your pet peeves in general (not necessarily related to M/s lifestyle) 

My big peeve is pet stores that sell puppies.  They come from the worst kinds of places- puppy mills- that treat animals horribly.  That is probably the big one- that people buy those puppies and thus they are the ones supporting this abysmal practice.  Adopt a shelter dog or buy a puppy from a good breeder where you can visit their home and see how the dogs live. 


 What is one of your favorite songs or quotes?

I really like the words to this song:  Lifes a Dance.

Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go.

It sums up a lot of things for me and about me.  Right now I mostly follow, but there are still times when I have to step up and lead others besides my Master.  And for sure I'm always learning as I go.

Thank you so much!   

And now I must head off for my beating.

Questions Number 15

Questions from MKstubborngirl: 

We are new to this. We have a six year old and we are wondering how it works for you and your Master? My Master is nervous about the pain aspect. I have a high tolerance for pain. I have severe migraines so I don't process pain normally. Any advice?

About having kids, the main thing is just common sense as far as not doing things that you wouldn't want bantered around the school in front of them.  

I made this post also on how it is going for us:  M/s and kids in the house.

 I don't get migraines, so I don't really know how that would affect pain, but I guess if he just starts slow where he is comfortable and sees how you react that would be my best advice.  Keep the communication level high, so you are telling him how you feel and how things are affecting you.   

Question 14 (part 2)

I was so excited about getting to the store and making pie I forgot the last question:   

Also, how did you go about getting involved in BDSM Community things?

I had belonged to another BDSM site, not Fetlife, for a few months when one of the members on there convinced me to look for munches and get involved locally.  That was when I joined Fetlife to look for these "munches".   

Master was very wary, but he let me go to the first one alone (we didn't have a babysitter or he would have gone too), after giving me strict instructions on what I was allowed to do and not do there.  I was utterly terrified at first, and barely made in the door without running off.  But I found just a very welcoming and relatively ordinary group of people there, having fun, and they welcomed me right in.   The next one, Master came with me.  After a few months of munches we were invited to a private party. 

It took a long time before he decided he would be comfortable going to a bigger event, and our first one ended up being Twisted Tryst in 2012 (talk about into the fire!).

 

Question 14 (set)

Anonymous asks:

Do you have a certain list of daily rules or chores? How controlling is your M when it comes to such daily decisions as dinner menus etc? Is there any rule or expectation that you wouldn't mind getting rid of? 


I do have a daily schedule of chores.  I also have a list of written rules, which I started writing down when they starting getting to be too many for me to quickly name off the top of my head.  

He has me do all the shopping and meal planning, so unless he has a craving for a certain food and tells me, I figure out what we are having and make it.   Right now he's told me he wants a cherry pie, for Pi Day, so in a few minutes I'm heading to the store for ingredients.   All I'm missing is the cherries, and the ice cream.  I also want to make a potato soup sometime soon, so I'll get those too.

The rule or expectation I'd most like to get rid of?   Probably all the phone calls I make, to set up various things for him.  I tend to procrastinate on those the most.   I get nervous about them to an unreasonable degree, not knowing what to say, and afraid  I'll forget important parts of the calls, or get stuck on hold for an hour.

For the most part I feel good about having all the rules and chores clearly laid out for me.  It keeps me organized and from letting the household go to pot.  


Are you happier now in the marriage since becoming M/s, and also is he? How would you describe His personality in general terms? Also, how did you go about getting involved in BDSM Community things?

Yes, we are both happier in our relationship now.  There is much less strife and contention, and I think less hurt feelings too.   His being gone so much is not exactly happy for either of us, but that is a work thing and has nothing to do with M/s.  

His personality in general terms?  That is the hardest question yet.  I'd say he's pretty much your typical boy scout if you take out a couple of the words that don't apply:  He is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind,  cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean.

  He is neither obedient nor reverent in any way, though. 

He is also very intelligent, and has a crazy-good memory for random trivia, facts and poems he learned 30 years ago.

His sense humor tends toward Calvin and Hobbes and Monty Python, bad puns and making up wild stories to entertain people (did you know the Mongols had their horses trained to poop only in one spot to prevent enemies from following the trail of horseshit across the plains).

If you meet him casually he will seem quiet and reserved, and it is only the people who get to know him better who see his more goofy side.  Though you all here have a sneak peak from some of the funny things I relate in the blog.  

He's the kind of person who will show up to his first munch and announce "I'm vanilla", to everyone's shock and horror, including his slave's.   Then later ask a question about what to do when his slave goes non verbal while in subspace.    

Thank you! Great questions!  

Dreaming

I'm pretty sure I dream-orgasmed last night.  I was sleeping, and remember cumming a couple of times with his fingers inside me.  Did I dream he was telling me to cum?   Then I woke up and his fingers were still inside me.  He pulled the covers away and fucked me, just long enough to get me good and wide awake.   

That was after a nice fucking/ass paddling session at bedtime.  

 

Question Number 13!

Anonymous asks,

Do you think your relationship would survive if one of you wanted out of the m/s lifestyle? Would you guys be able to go back to a vanilla marriage or would it be over?

I have no doubt we could survive that together, but I'd be miserable if he decided not to be my Master, or if we gradually slipped back to vanilla.  He's told me several times that I can't just stop being his slave, I don't have that power, which makes me feel secure.


Thanks!  Still taking questions! 

Question number 12!

Danae asks: 
 
Name a quality you really like about yourself. What is your favorite food? favorite color? favorite book? What is something you miss about your life before M/s?

I really like the way I consider all viewpoints and give people the benefit of the doubt.  I consider myself easy going and tolerant that way.   I don't get worked up about this or that, or go around creating drama in my personal life.

My favorite food would be a chocolate eclair from a Parisian bakery, eaten at a sidewalk cafe.   With an espresso with two sugar cubes and a lump of chocolate in it.   Sitting across from my Master, who is having the same.

My favorite color is blue, like the sky.

I don't have a favorite book.  There are just too many of them that I like, so that I can't pick just one.   

Something I miss about my life before M/s?   I guess I might say my ability to get up at 5 am (or whatever time, but I like to get an early start) and get the hell out of Dodge on a road trip without regrets.   I used to do that quite a bit.  I didn't ask, I'd just say "I'm going to Alabama (or Colorado, or...) for a week on such and such a date, see ya when I get back."  

Then I'd plan my trip and just go.   

Now it is impossible, for all intents and purposes.  I psychologically simply could not do it.  I think it was an unintended consequence of the internal enslavement.  

 

Question Day Number 11

Betsy asks:


Which pain is worse for you, physical or psychological?

Boy, that is not an easy one at all, is it?   I suppose it depends mainly on the degree, but I'm going to say psychological/emotional.

  I'm still not comfortable admitting to emotional masochism, really not, even though why it should be different that physical masochism I don't know.  But I have been exploring the idea by reading about it, and I can't help but see I have similar reactions to those who claim to be emotional masochists.  At the same time, it is seriously not "anything goes" for me in that realm.   

My Master seems to have the goal of pushing me only so far, and no farther, in my emotional state.    That is, if it strikes too deep, if I have too much reaction to what he says, he doesn't like it.  He wants it to be hot and painful, not just painful and painful.    

Crying is sometimes what he is aiming for, and sometimes not. 
 I just go with the flow, really.  

And, the thing is, it depends on my mood what is too much.  If I'm feeling needy and vulnerable I can take a whole lot less emotionally than if I'm feeling sexy and light hearted.   

Someone asked a question on Fet this week :  "Is your Master responsible for your feelings?" and my mind immediately jumped into these waters, where yes, yes he is.

Ordinarily, if I'm grouchy for some reason, that is all on me.  But if he's doing something like this, you bet your sweet bippy he is partly responsible.   

Also, I rarely write with any depth on these scenes because I don't want my readers thinking my Master is a meanie head.  Mostly I just skip over those parts completely.   

Question Day number 10!

What advice would you give to someone who Is just starting out in the lifestyle? Any tips or advice?

This is a really big topic, since I don't know what part of the lifestyle you are entering, or if this is a more generic question.  

But my main advice would be that there is no one true way of doing this.  Many people will tell you otherwise:  "This is how you can be a slave/sub/Dom/Master, and if you don't do it this way you are not true/real/whatever".   

Don't believe them. 

 You and the person in the relationship with you are the only ones you have to satisfy with regard to just about anything.  It is also not a contest.  Being a slave is not better than being a sub.  Being an extreme masochist is not better than being a mild masochist, or not being a masochist at all.  It is about finding the way that works for you.  

The other place I frequently see people making mistakes:  make sure someone is compatible with you before you make a commitment to them.   If you are wanting on line play only, that is one thing and I don't have much for you there, but if you want to do this in real space, make sure you meet that person in real space and spend some time getting to know them before you promise to be ANYTHING to them.  Really.   If you have niggling doubts about that person's character, pay attention to those.  Don't ignore your gut feelings and get swept up in the romance of it all.   This is not a fairy story, and there is no great prince to carry you off and live happily ever after.   There is still going to be real life to deal with forever and ever.  I just find it so much better to be owned during it all.  It is not better for everyone. 

Rise of Insecurity Again

I thought I had gotten over my mild panic/anxiety at having Master gone some nights every week a few months ago.  I had settled into the new normal.

People who don't live together may not understand this, but I had gone from being actually physically with him nearly all the time when we worked together, drove together, ate lunch together, to not working with him, then to having him gone 2-4 nights every week and never being able to eat lunch with him.  
 It was a hard adjustment, but I thought I had made it.

Then his schedule changed again, so it is likely that he will be gone even more nights, and I won't know which night he might get home until the last possible minute, depending on when he gets done and how tired he is.  He's also possibly adding another day of work to his week.   

I thought to myself this weekend "Ok, fine, it is what it is, I can deal with it".  It is not like I have a choice.  Then yesterday, when he was gone, I had a minor panic attack in the grocery store.  I am not really prone to panic attacks (except at Walmart), and this was mild compared to the ones people talk about having when they feel like they are having a heart attack, can't breathe, etc.

But I just wanted out of there, and I hadn't finished my shopping, so I talked myself through it, and it went away.   Then later on that night, I began fearing that he was never coming back, that he'd moved out.  Which is as much of a stupid, irrational fear as can be imagined.  He's given me no reason to think that.  He wants to be here more than anything.   I talked to him last night, and he reassured me.  He wants me to imagine his voice in my head telling me certain things.  

So I'm imagining, and trying not to feel despair.

 

Any more questions?

Any more burning, or not so burning, questions?   Please ask. 

Tit Picture Day

He had some fun with the magnets today.  Those are the kind that are normally used for cleaning aquariums. 

Earlier in the evening

Earlier in the evening, when I was "asking for it":

Me:   "Master, do you think you will beat me tonight?" 

Him:  "Yes, probably.  Slaves need to be beaten a lot so they learn not to fuck with their Master".

Me:  "Was I fucking with you, Master?"

Him:  "No, this is just preventative".  

Safeword? Nope.

Our relationship with safewords has long been somewhat complicated.  He doesn't follow either of the established BDSM "laws" or "true ways" on safewords.  On one hand, some people state that you must have one which is honored 100% or you are just with a dangerous abuser.  

Or, on the other side, others say either that safewords are entirely useless (just communicate!) or a slave should never have one because it takes away the Master's absolute power.  

My Master has his own way.  I can have a safeword until he says I can't.  Because property.  

Last night Master began flogging me, and I don't know if my tolerance was especially light for some reason, he was especially strong with it, or I'm just out of practice in being flogged, but it was really stinging.  He used the wood paddle on me then and damn it, that really hurt.  I was trying to shrink out of the way, though I didn't mean to; my body kept try to sag and squirm and avoid it.

He stopped and gripped me by the throat.  

"Are you trying to avoid the beating you wanted?"

"Yes, Master", I said sheepishly, not trying to explain.

"Well, tonight your safeword won't work.  The paddle is going to beat you as much as it wants, and 'red' is not going to stop it."

I went all squishy at the thought.

He went on "Try it, say red now". 

He smacked me again really hard with the paddle. 


"Red".   


Smack! Smack! Smack!  


Nope.  Doesn't work.  


I buoyed myself up with the thought that I can take this.  I can take it and eventually will reach subspace and I will enjoy it.


When I started to get shaky on my feet he told me to lie down on the floor face down.  My wrists were tied.   


He caned me, paddled me and used the single tail whip on me until I was deep in space.  My butt, my thighs, my calves, the soles of my feet.  Turn over.  My cunt ("SPREAD!"), inner thighs, my breasts (oh, I tried to hide them but that didn't work).  Turn over again.  My butt, my thighs, and so on, and on. 

  Then he propped me up on my hands and knees and fucked me hard.  It was So. Damn. Good.   I was moaning and bucking and coming, my sore ass being pounded over and over by his hips. 


He had me get in bed and ride on top of him, using the vibrator to make me come over and over.  Each time he made me wait until he commanded it.  It is so hard to wait right on the verge of orgasm.  He pinched and flicked my nipples until I could barely stand it, which just made me want to come more.  I soaked the towel I had been allowed to lay underneath him.  


When he was done with me and rolled me off to lie next to him, I was an unresponsive blob of nothingness.  I pretty much passed out straight away.   


God, what a great night!  

Answers: Number Nine. Number nine. Number nine....

 Fiona asks "What does ancilla ksst mean"?  

The second part, ksst, came about when I first joined a BDSM forum website and needed a screen name.  I had just watched the South Park episode "Tsst" where Cesar Milan (cartoon version) comes in and trains Cartman.   It was hilarious; I just loved it.   I'm not a fan of Cesar's methods, but the episode tickled me just right.  (Training fetish, heh).    Anyway, I made a bit of a pun out of that to sound like "kissed".   Tsst is the noise that Cesar uses to correct the dogs on his show.  Which I find a bit ironic since I use the same noise with my dogs to encourage them to bite an angry or stubborn cow or sheep. All a matter of conditioning, I suppose. 

Tsst episode

Short clip of Tsst   if you don't want to see the whole thing.

A few months after that, Master was looking for a nickname for me, and he chose "ancilla" which is Latin for maid or serving girl.  He had me add that to my name.    Serving girl ksst.

Joey asks,
What is your favorite erotic novel? 

I have to say the one that made me most tingly in my bits was The Story of O.  However, as a novel I don't think it is that great, especially the weird ending.  I love some of the specific sex and whipping scenes, and the way he shares her around: HOT. 
For a good novel that is also erotic, I really like The Slave, by Laura Antoniou.  

You have progressed very rapidly since 2011. How does Master develop new experiences for you? Blogs? BDSM community?

He hardly ever reads any blogs, usually only if I point them out to him (sometimes not even then) or happen to be reading them when he comes up behind me.   He participates on Fetlife a little bit, and follows some of the pictures and sometimes gets ideas from our friends that way (kaya!).   But mostly he's learned stuff from our local community, munches and demos, parties and events.  We have been to classes and such, for many play techniques, or he asks other doms to help him learn something, like using two floggers at once.    He lets me play with other doms, in part because he thinks it is fun to watch and also because he always learns things from seeing different ways of playing and how I respond (vs. how some other sub or slave responds).   

He also has a wicked and creative mind, so some of the things he thinks up come out of there, such as mindfucks.  Recently someone asked him to teach a class on doing mindfucks, but he declined, saying there was really nothing to teach, these things just come to him and he doesn't know how to explain.    




Question month is still on, please feel free to ask anything.  I'll answer as long as it is not verboten.
Thank you for all the great questions so far, this is great fun.

Answers -Number Eight!

After reading another blogger, Submissive Sanctuary,  I want a re-do on the question about M/s and kids, feeling like I didn't fully answer it.  And since it is my blog, I get do-overs! 

Truth is, I'm not exactly sure how it will all work out in the end, as far as how the kids perceive us and how they turn out, except that we are far more of an old fashioned household as far as who is ultimately in charge, than most others they know. 

 Yeah, they know their Dad is in charge, but they also know that mom won't put up with anything from them either, and Dad will almost always weigh in on mom's side, especially when they try to expect service like Dad gets.   And they have-- much to my shock and chagrin-- said things like "Dad, make mom do.... such and such" but he quickly stomped out that notion- "Ask your mother politely and maybe she will get that for you". 

I want them to be able to function on their own when they grow up, not be waited on hand and foot and expect that.   It always seems to be a balance of helping them, doing things for them, and expecting them to do things on their own, which I guess a lot of parents have as well as us.  

The positive side is that we are a very loving couple, and we get along great.   We are frequently affectionate (without being R rated), holding hands or snuggling on the couch, or me rubbing his back, with the kids around.  I think that is a good positive example to set.    

As far as our relationship with Mystique, to them she is a good friend.  We spend time over there a lot, but they don't know anything of the sex aspect.   She did fall asleep on my lap last night when we were watching TV!   The kids don't seem to see anything unusual about it.  She is more strict with them in terms of behavior than I am.   She doesn't hesitate to tell them to behave, and I'm fine with that.  

New Question!

Anonymous asks:

How did you choose your blog name and what does it mean?

I chose it by agonizing for hours/days over what to call the thing, as one does.   I wanted to clearly explain what the blog was about in a few words.   So it had to have Master and slave in there.   It kind of popped up to me that this particular phrase has a double meaning which I thought was entertaining. 

A slave to Master, in that I am a slave (enslaved) to him.
And also, one must Master a slave, so I am a slave to Master, a slave that needs to be Mastered.    

Thank you!  And please ask more!  Did I mention I have a question fetish?

Questions Part 7

Little girl asks: 

Has there ever been a time that your Master asked or commanded you to do something way out of your comfort zone and you refused. What was the result?

Oh yes, there have been a few.  I'm really more of a hem and haw'er, a waffler, or trying to plead off, rather than risking outright refusal most times. 

  One time that I remember really well was the second play party we ever attended.   As soon as we got inside he told me to take off my clothes. 

 Well.   

I'd NEVER done that before in front of a whole crowd of strangers.  But I went ahead and took my shirt and bra off, that was fine.  I just couldn't do the rest, so I begged to keep my skirt on.  He said it was ok for now, but very soon he had me tied up to a couple of support pillars and simply removed the skirt and underwear when I was helpless.   I was a little embarrassed, but it was not too bad.   Then he and another Dom co-topped me and I had a fantastic experience.  

Another time I got a little squeamish about taking my underwear off in front of people he threatened to cut it off with his knife.  Sometimes it is just really hard to let go of that last shred of clothes, like somehow one little pair of panties makes so much difference to my modesty and dignity.  

He has no desire to see my modesty and dignity in these situations, he wants to see me bare ass naked! 

I think these episodes give me a great deal of confidence that he means what he says and isn't going to change his mind even if I squirrel around and try to get out of doing it.   It makes being obedient the next time much easier.   Even though it is not really a formal training process, it is something of a lifetime training process.

Feel free to ask lots more questions!

Answers Part 6!

From Anonymous, Thank you! 

1. What was your and your husband's majors in college? 

He majored in Biology and I majored in Zoology, which is essentially the same thing except without the plants.   I was especially interested in animal behavior.   

2. What line of work you used to be in? What line of work your husband is in now? 

I was a technician in a research laboratory.   Master is a veterinarian.   

I think you were an English or elementary education major and used to work as a teacher. And he is probably an electric engineer.


Nope, not at all.  We are science geeks.  I did enjoy English classes, and also was almost an Anthropology major, but ended up in Zoology. 

3. Did you both grew up in rural area?


Actually, neither of us did.  His family moved around a lot, from small towns to big cities, but never lived on a farm.   I grew up in St. Louis, which is also where we met.  My parents moved to a farm later, after I had moved out, but while I was in high school they owned the place in the country too, and we spent weekends out there.   Well, my mom and I did-- (Dad and brother were not interested) riding horses, building fences, taking care of sheep, gardening and stuff, then we were back in the city during the week.   There were some amusing stories of bringing lambs into the city house with us and having the police called in the middle of the night for "baa'ing". 

4. Are you both close to your families?


We don't live close to them- it is a full day's drive to the closest of our immediate family members, but we all get along pretty well when we see them.  Master's mom can be somewhat difficult to take for long periods, but he does his best to maintain a good relationship with her, mainly by not telling her anything that might worry her, as she gets way over excited by the smallest things.   She also likes to try to constantly improve everything I do, which can be helpful up to a point ("Let's paint this room!") but annoying after a short time ("You should change this and this and this....").

I am very close to my mom, and have always discussed everything with her.  I even asked her once how to get an orgasm, back when I a was a teenager, because I wasn't having them.  And she told me as much as she could. 
 Being kinky is the one exception though.  I haven't done more than admit to reading "Shades of Grey" and offered to lend them to her.  She said "I heard that was full of deviant sex.  I don't want to read that!"   She does have good taste in books, what can I say.  

5. Do you have a lot of regrets? Like not starting this lifestyle 10 years ago?

That is my one big regret.  I don't have a lot of others, really.  A few little ones, but I don't like to dwell on them.   

Answers Part 5

Diane asked:  

 Tongue caned, really? Would never have thought of that. Did you like it?


Masters can pick up ever so many bad ideas from each other.   And masochist slaves have the bad habit of helping them by saying things like "Hey, Master, did you see that video of kaya getting her tongue cropped"?   Or merely leaving some breadcrumbs on Fet...

Yeah, I liked it.  It made blowing him afterward interesting because my tongue was sore.  

Thank you so much! 
 Please ask more questions at any time, I love this!

Questions Part 4

DelFonte asks:

Do you make your own implements and if so, which is your favourite home made one?


Yes, we do.  Last fall Master had me go out and cut some canes and switches from the willow trees in our little spot of forest.  The switches don't last long- they are very swishy and whip-like in feel, but quickly become brittle and break.  The canes are made from thicker branches and I'd say those are my favorite homemade implements.   They last pretty well, though he breaks them on me occasionally.  At least it is easy and free to make more.  I cut them, strip the bark and carve off any sharp projections with a knife.  

Master read your question and also wanted me to mention the toy I made from a radio antennae, our "red neck cane".    All I did was wrap some duct tape around the end for a handle.  That thing is pretty painful for me with very little effort on his part.  It hardly ever gets used though; I'm not really sure why.  

The most elaborate creation was a bullwhip made from rope, chain and tape.   You can see it HERE.


Thank you so much! 
 Please ask more questions at any time, I love this!

Moar Answers! Part 3

For Fiona's questions,



1. What is most difficult about your 24/7 slavery with Children in the house?


Slavery with children in the house is perfectly easy.  Master simply phrases his orders as requests and they are none the wiser.  We save any noisy kinky stuff for when they are not around or asleep. The hard part is all the extras of being kinky- like going to events or play parties- pretty much the same issue any parents who want a social life apart from their kids would have.  Baby sitters are hard to find when you want them to be available and they are expensive.   

2. What do you wish your Master would do that he doesn't?


Oh, do we have room for a book?  I am so not the decider of which fantasies get realized here.   I'd like him to tie me down so I'm immobile more, I'd like to be tied up in bed to sleep, I'd like just a lot more bondage at every opportunity.  He generally prefers just to position me and tell me not to move.   

I'd like to be beaten every day, or more frequently.  I'd like never to have to give blowjobs while he plays video games.  

I'd like more micromanagement when he's home - like having to ask to go to the bathroom, or have him tell me what to wear, or just about any kinds of rules like that that he wanted to think up. 

I'd like to go back to our old welcome home ritual when he used to take me upstairs and do various painful/humiliating/degrading things to me for a brief few minutes, just to get into my head immediately.     

I'd like a lot more breath play.

Ok, I think that is enough for now.

3. What was your first time with your Master like?


I'm not sure what you mean by first time here?  If you would like to clarify I can try to answer the right question.  Anyway, I'm going to take a few stabs at various firsts.  

-The first time I met him we were both in high school.   My parents told me I had to join some extra curricular activities so I could get into college.  I joined the D&D club because I played that game, and Master was the president of it.   He was nice to me, and he made me step up and talk to the group instead of hanging back shyly. 
 I got a big old crush on him that day and even wrote in my diary about it.  

-The first time we had sex was in his college dorm room.  We had talked about it in our letters and decided that when I went to visit him, he was going to have my virginity.   It was difficult and painful, and he was the only one who had any fun that first time.  But I was glad to get that whole "being a virgin" thing over and done with.


-The first time I called him Master was in the summer of 2011.  This is too bad, but I don't remember a single specific thing about it.  He started with some hand spanking and he tied my hands with a leather strap for those first few sessions of kinky sex.   We were "bedroom only" at that time.   I never thought then that I would be his slave 24/7 as I am now. 

4. What's your favorite song to scene to?

I don't have any songs I like to scene to.   Something energetic and not too loud is better than easy listening music.  Master likes to sing, or beat out drum tunes on me.  I can ask him when he gets home for some of his favorites.   "Yellow Submarine" is a favorite one for him to beat out with sticks on my butt.  Then he plays "name that tune" with me, which I am perfectly horrible at.   I never have any idea what song it is, so I always just guess "Yellow Submarine".


Thank you so much!  Please ask more questions at any time, I love this!

More Answers (part 2)

For kaya's questions:


1) I don't understand why we are not neighbors. How can we make this happen?

First you guys move to somewhere nice that has a job nearby for my Master (NOT UP) and then we move next to you.   It could work!

2) Outside of the kinky play and the sexin' bit, what's been the biggest change to your 'vanilla' life since you two have come to the dark side?

What vanilla life?   I'd say the big difference is that he makes all the decisions (unless he tells me to decide- like what's for dinner) and I accept his way without a fuss.    This extends to everything, from what video games the kids are allowed to buy, to when we go out to eat or not.  


3) Prior to making it 'formal' with DM, how kinky were you two? Did you do bondage or play? Was there already a sort of power exchange at work in your relationship? How hard was it for him to hit you that first time?

We were not that kinky, not really kinky at all if you ask me.  Totally vanilla if you ask him.   We had done a bit of rape play and a bit of bondage, but not on a regular basis at all.  No impact play.  

  It was very hard for him to hit me at first.  It was not something he'd ever done, or ever thought was right to do (Don't hit girls!).   He'd give me a little tap and say "Was that too hard?" and I'd say "No, harder!"  LOL- pretty awful to think about now, but we were both totally new to this, and trying things out.   It took about a month actually before I figured out that I might be a masochist because the harder he did it the better I liked it.   I really hadn't ever wanted or craved pain before that.  When I told him I thought I might be a masochist he said "No shit!" and laughed. 

As far as power exchange, that is more tricky for me to see.  I'm going to say maybe, but not really.  In a few cases he simply made decrees "This is how it is going to be" and I'd give in with much internal gnashing of teeth.  As when, about 4 or 5 years ago, he took over all the finances from me.  It wasn't so much that I liked being in charge of them, but having him just take it away felt humiliating, and not in the hot way.    Most of the time, though, when things went wrong we'd argue and struggle over it.  Sex was actually a huge power struggle area.  I barely ever wanted it and he always did, and we'd end up getting angry and with hurt feelings over that issue.  He never forced himself on me before we started an official M/s relationship.  The rape play was always very much by mutual agreement.  (ie. "You try to get away now".  "OK".)

We had never had anal sex before because I just knew it would be horrible and painful and I always said no.  He kept trying, though, until I was his sub and then I could not say no anymore.   

We were both brought up very much with the egalitarian ideals for marriage, and I often struggled against anything that felt at all like submission because I believed it was wrong to be that way.   I was supposed to be my own woman!!  When I worked full time, for example, we split all the chores at home evenly.  But after I became a stay at home mom, all that got shifted on to me.   Some of it gradually, and some of it he'd just say "You're doing this now."  

Sometimes I think that being at home, having him making all the money, and being dependent on him that way, did something to me subconsciously, but I don't really know.  Like it was right that he be the head of the household now, and make the big decisions.   But there was almost no service aspect to me until it became official D/s and he declared that I would serve him in several ways.  He had for a long time been saying we should become Baptists or Muslims (even though he's an atheist) because in those religions wives had to be submissive to their husbands, so I think that was always something he'd wanted, though without the kink and beatings part.   He just wanted me to do as I was told.   And I was VERY stubborn about that, resisting and being contrary at every turn, out of a fear of being submissive, feeling that was weak and "less than".   

I think he's always been a bit of a sadist though.   Take this game he used to play with me, back when I was 16 and he was 18.   We'd be under the covers, and he'd make his hand creep up me like it was a tarantula, saying "The big hairy tarantula is creeping up the little girl..."  a few times before it got to a sensitive spot and then he'd grab me and say "FANGS!"     He thought it was hilarious, me, not so much.   Ok, he still does it, except now it is sometimes a centipede because I HATE those things.  

4) I know you two met when you were young. Was he your first? 

He was my second boyfriend.  I had gone out with another guy for just one month before we broke up (mutually agreeable, no hard feelings, breakup).   DM was the first guy I had sex with.   We dated actually about 8 months before "going all the way".  

5) Which of you found the online kink world first? Did you keep it secret from the other? Was there any shame or embarrassment to show what you'd found?

That would be me.  He had always watched porn and shared it with me (no secrets there) and it was just vanilla fucking and sucking sorts of things.    And yeah I had a lot of shame and embarrassment over the kinky stuff, or anything sexual, but I told him each time anyway because I can't keep secrets from him.  The first time was way back when we first got the internet, and I found an online story of M/s with a strong humiliation element and was really fascinated.   I read it to him, and he was sort of like "ho hum" so that was pretty much that.   I figured it was just interesting fiction.  I did not think that people actually lived this way.

Then I joined a web forum for BDSM, and I told him all about that also, this was in 2011.   I asked to become his submissive and he said he'd try it out.  

That escalated quickly! 


Thank you so much!  Please ask more questions at any time, I love this!