Sunday, March 23, 2014

Things are looking up

Master told me that I AM talking to a therapist on Monday, since he has a special service on his new insurance.  I didn't want to put it off over the weekend because I was afraid by Monday I'd be ready to chicken out, but he told me he's going to make me call anyway.  

I suspect that I have PMDD  which I actually just looked up the other day when someone else was talking about it.  (Nothing like self diagnosis, huh?)  Or possibly regular old PMS which is getting worse due to other life stresses. 

I am totally paranoid about psychologists/therapists/all that though.  I'm afraid many of them are very fucked up people in their own way who won't help me at all, and may hurt me (I have heard horror stories).  I'm afraid I'll say the wrong things and get Master in trouble/arrested.  Or I'll be afraid to open up and say anything at all.  I can be rather clam-like.  

He says I need to start out right away saying things like "I'm in a consensual BDSM power exchange relationship, is that going to be an issue for you?" But the thought of saying something like that out loud to someone who may judge me for it absolutely petrifies me to death.  Which are just some of the reasons I am afraid I would chicken out on this if it were optional.   

A few months ago I actually had found a therapist for these same issues and talked on the phone to her about maybe making an appointment.  She was kink-friendly, and seemed to understand my various issues that have to do with being a slave, but the downside was that I'd have to drive an hour and a half each way to see her (no phone therapy would be possible) and no insurance would cover it.  Because it wasn't life and death, I just couldn't see justifying the expense for my stupid moods.    However, my latest episode scared me.  It scared Master too.  But I think it scared me even more how out of control I felt, how desperate.  I feel deeply ashamed, and weak, and ungrateful, about the whole thing, but something has to be done.  

It was suggested that I just talk to my GP about this, but I don't actually have one that I like.  I'm thinking about changing clinics completely.   

In other news, we have two offers on our house now, but we put in some seriously much higher counter offers with major contingencies.   So we'll see what happens.

This was supposed to be an all kinky sex blog today, and turned out into a long emotion vent, but oh well.  Maybe next I'll write something kinky... because it has been GOOOOD the last few days.


  1. ((((hugs))))
    really hope you find a therapist who's a good fit for you, sounds like a daunting task to find one! xx

    1. I have an appointment, so we'll see. I feel great today, but it is rather cyclical.

  2. I'd be real careful about bring up the relationship dynamics to a GP. The topic of PMS to GP, fine, but I'd leave out the relationship dynamics completely. Just my opinion.

    1. I have heard from others that as a masochist I should at least be open about that part. In case there are marks so they will know it is consensual. So far that has never been a problem- if Master knows I have an appt. coming up he won't put marks on me beforehand.


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