Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Rise of Insecurity Again

I thought I had gotten over my mild panic/anxiety at having Master gone some nights every week a few months ago.  I had settled into the new normal.

People who don't live together may not understand this, but I had gone from being actually physically with him nearly all the time when we worked together, drove together, ate lunch together, to not working with him, then to having him gone 2-4 nights every week and never being able to eat lunch with him.  
 It was a hard adjustment, but I thought I had made it.

Then his schedule changed again, so it is likely that he will be gone even more nights, and I won't know which night he might get home until the last possible minute, depending on when he gets done and how tired he is.  He's also possibly adding another day of work to his week.   

I thought to myself this weekend "Ok, fine, it is what it is, I can deal with it".  It is not like I have a choice.  Then yesterday, when he was gone, I had a minor panic attack in the grocery store.  I am not really prone to panic attacks (except at Walmart), and this was mild compared to the ones people talk about having when they feel like they are having a heart attack, can't breathe, etc.

But I just wanted out of there, and I hadn't finished my shopping, so I talked myself through it, and it went away.   Then later on that night, I began fearing that he was never coming back, that he'd moved out.  Which is as much of a stupid, irrational fear as can be imagined.  He's given me no reason to think that.  He wants to be here more than anything.   I talked to him last night, and he reassured me.  He wants me to imagine his voice in my head telling me certain things.  

So I'm imagining, and trying not to feel despair.

 

5 comments:

  1. This change in work schedule is very difficult for you both. I am sending positive thoughts.

    Hug,
    joey

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  2. oh that's so hard, especially going from being together 24/7 xxx

    (((hugs)))

    how are the sheep btw?

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    Replies
    1. The sheep are doing fine right now. We have two more babies, a boy and a girl, who are now almost a week old and looking really healthy.

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  3. I know how you feel.. D leaves for month and months at a time and it's soo hard we do talk about every thing that I could or he could feel while he's gone it does help.. We are limited to emails only sometimes ;( I watch him pack his stuff for months gone that always makes me feel like he's leaving me .. Even though I know he isn't it's human to have these feelings . When he's home we are together 24/7 so him being away is awful ... I think your feeling are ones we all feel and it's ok go feel that way :)

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We've been on vacation

Mexico! I may get back to blogging eventually, but for now there is laundry to do, food to restock in the kitchen, things to put away......